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So I want to break NC...


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I really have no reason other then to get validation that I can still hold on to the hope I have. I know that sounds crazy, but I know he's still in love with me he's just in a miserable place right now. I have been NC for 40 days now. The uncertainty of it all is killing me. Back, right after the break up he recieved a letter from me about everything and all he could respond with was "I don't deserve you" and I know he really feels that way.

 

I know what some will say, "That's just a line" or "If he loved you he wouldn't leave" - I don't want to hear that because I know that's not the truth. Not everyone's situation is the same as some people on ENA make them out to be. Feelings are not black and white - love is way more complicated, esp when dealing with someone who doesn't like themselves at the moment (my ex, not me).

 

I just want to tell him I love him or something to that effect but I know the only reason I would be doing it is to get a reaction from him that would validate my hope. It feels the longer I am NC the less hope I can see for a reconcilliation. Though that is also fear talking.

 

Bleh...I don't know what to think or do at this point.

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I personally don't understand all this "NC" stuff here on ENA... Like it's a rule of the universe of something. The only thing I see it accomplishing for the dumpee is giving the dumper the space that may or may not help... Notice, MAY or MAY NOT help. Yes, it might give them space enough to come back to you, but you never know, they can also meet someone during the NC and forget all about you. I agree not everything is as black and white as people here on ENA make it seem but I believe that is because people here tend to want to give you advice that you want to hear, not advice that's really realistic because this is a forum to "console" people and make people feel better. (Although most advice here accomplishes the opposite by talking so much crap... usually the same judgmental posters.)

 

I personally don't agree with the NC. I think it's a bunch of bull and if people wanna get mad, let em. If your heart needs validation, then I say contact him and get your validation or your closure.

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Although I believe that NC is the most likely way for an ex to come back, NC is for the person who was left. If someone has broken up with you and can't/wont be with you for whatever reason, what else is left to say? My gues is nothing, which is what NC is all about. It is a tool for the person dumped to move on, I don't believe people can move on or heal if they are in contact with their ex.

 

And if not NC, what's the alternative? Begging? Crying? Things that will push your ex further away if anything. This is why I believe NC is the way to go.

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Yes, it might give them space enough to come back to you, but you never know, they can also meet someone during the NC and forget all about you.

 

That's part of it too, JM. Let me qualify by saying that I'm not in any way a hardcore advocate of NC. At first I was totally against it. But after thinking about it, I can see its usefulness and its effectiveness.

 

So if they dumped you, then they go off and find someone else, what good would it have done to remain in contact? As if that would stop someone from moving on? And even if that were the case, I would argue that someone who would find someone else for those reasons isn't someone worth waiting for.

 

Just my two cents.

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i know i'm going to be very unpopular here but i am bind by my belief:

If you have something nice to say to the person, let them know.

 

saying "i love you" to a person is a nice thing to say.

 

do it when you're ready. take a deep breath and count your blessings when you're without that person (the last 40 days) before you call him up.

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I'm torn - but I truly think I can't contact him because I'm not in a place where I will be okay with no contact back or if the contact is vague. I mean - in my head this is what I want to happen "I am still in love with you too, let's take things slow and rebuild our relationship." But alas...this is in my head and if he wanted to say these things I would think and hope that he would contact me because he knows how I feel, no questions about that.

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I would say move on....close your eyes...think if it's really worth it...think if you want to go through the same pain and misery that you went through...evaluate if it's worth it. If he hasn't called you...why would you lower your self esteem and call him.

What if you call him and he dosen't want to be with you...what are you going to do then??

You will be back to Square 1

If you really loved him let him go and if they love you enough they will come back...in the mean time focus on yourself and get on with your life with no expectations....

Don't belittle yourself....We are here to heal and be a new self

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I'm torn - but I truly think I can't contact him because I'm not in a place where I will be okay with no contact back or if the contact is vague. I mean - in my head this is what I want to happen "I am still in love with you too, let's take things slow and rebuild our relationship." But alas...this is in my head and if he wanted to say these things I would think and hope that he would contact me because he knows how I feel, no questions about that.

 

If he knows how you feel then there is nothing more you can do.

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Indian and theshoefairy -

 

You two are def right. There is nothing more I can do. He DOES know how I feel and for me to reiterate that would be pointless. I NC isn't used to get people back and that's not why I am doing it - I need to heal cause any reminder of him for me is so painful. BUT there is that part of me that feels NC gives me hope in terms of, he will now see what life is like without the person he says he's still in love with and wants to be with. So, only time will tell - I think because I am such an impatient person and I like to have control of things in my life that this is really getting to me. I want to let go and I feel as though I am trying, not let go of love for him but let go of the need to put things how I want them to be right now. Because that's not going to happen right now.

 

I know if I did text or call I would feel better at first and then cry and cry and cry and want to kick myself because then I know that he REALLY knows that I am still here, waiting in the wings. Even though part of me is waiting I don't want him to know that...is that wrong?

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Peterson, this is not about the relationship or you, it's about your ex being broken right now. It takes two reasonably healthy people to have a healthy relationship and he is clearly not in a healthy place right now.

 

What is he doing as far as psychological work on himself if any?

 

Following your story, it seems as though both of you have had dependancy type issues in your relationship at various times and that usually comes about when on or both of the people in the relationship are not happy with themselves and are looking for external validation.

 

when you took time out from the relationship, it clearly triggered hiw own abandonment fears and his walls went straight up. You can't just expect him to jump straight back in to something despite him saying that he loves you. There may be a lot of love between you both but there is also a lot of need there and that brings a lot of fear with it.

 

It's not easy, but he needs psychological work.

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Peterson, I feel like our situations are very similar and even though I don't like NC, it has helped me heal a bit...not completely, but I am doing better somewhat. Our exes KNOW how we feel. They have told us they love us, but they are not coming around. If they wanted to come around or were in a place to come around (or both), I assume they would. They know our email addresses, our numbers.

 

No matter how depressed or whatever it is they are, we can't make excuses for them any longer. They may love us, they may not. I admit I felt the same way you did for the longest time...my ex said he loved me and wanted to still marry me but he "couldn't" because he wasn't ready. I believed that...but as time goes on, part of me doesn't even know if HE knew what he meant.

 

Maybe the point for us is not whether or not they love us, but the fact that despite how they feel, they choose to stay away. They obviously do not want us in their life for whatveer reason (unhealthy, shame, whatever)...so I think contacting them would not be beneficial.

 

I think atelis is right too...I see dependency issues in your situation. I think that, until we get in a place where we feel less needy and totally unconcerned about whether they respond the way we want or not, we oughta just move on.

 

Don't worry...we can contact them again someday.

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I am an impatient person too, and hated not having control of my life and the situation I was in when I was going through my break up, but there comes a point when you realise there really is nothing that can be done and it is all out of your control. I think as soon as that sinks in properly that is when you learn to accept it for what it is and just let it play out the way it is supposed to.

 

Allowing him to see what life is like without you is the only way I think. And if he doesn't, at least you will be taking the necessary steps to move on with your own life. It definitely does get better with time.

 

I used to question how to let go. I don't think that is something you can make yourself do. I think it happens naturally and will happen only when you are ready. When you have let go you will know it.

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Peterson, me and my ex are broke up through her depression and other issues she has, well supossedly any way , i do believe them to be true, it is a diffrent kind of break up because we can see no sense in it, as we think if we are there for them they should be able to work through it. But my ex and your`s bythe sounds of it just dont want us to be there for them.

my ex has put up various reasons why we should not be together, but the only problem being that when we were speaking a few weeks ago as friends she told me all about this. So that has left me in a very confused state as i kind of know what she is doing.

But at the momment and maybe permanantly she has pushed me away, we havent fallen out, and the last time she spoke to me she admitted she still loved me , but didnt want a relationship, even though she was making all the noises that she did up until i asked her back.I know she knows how i feel about her so the ball is in her court.

I cant contact her, because i know my self if there is only one thing that may push away a persistent ex for what ever reason, that would be to commit a deal breaker if you know what i mean. My ex came back last time after 10 weeks n/c but she wasnt ready for it, not sure if she will this time, all i can do is get on with my life and if the time arises look at it then.

FRUSTRATING!

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I am almost 3 years of NC, and I am thinking of breaking it. It has helped me heal, yes, but obviously I am not 100% and I don't see NC doing anymore for me. We haven't broken it once, I haven't checked out her myspace or facebook either. I originally stayed in NC so that I wouldn't take a step back.

 

But obviously something needs to happen for me to move on. Maybe the rejection is something I need to move on... I guess it depends where our goals are. My goal is to move on, not to win her back.

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I am also currently dealing with a break-up where the break-up occurred because the other person has their own problems to sort out and could not give energy to the relationship.

 

As painful as it is, I believe we do need to let these people go - and let them have the space to come to terms with their own issues in their own time.

 

I didn't do pure NC - after our last phone calls in the days after the initial break up, I sent a letter about a week and a half later, and then I sent a longer email focusing on my feelings of hurt/confusion as well as positives in our relationship. I felt like I needed to be able to share that with him so that I knew I had been completely clear and honest with him. That was important to me.

 

Other than that though I have been totally NC.

 

I think it can help if we try to shift our feelings to compassion for our ex (in break ups like this where the person is consumed with other issues unrelated to us). If we really love them, then we need to be able to say to ourselves, its really unfortunate that they are so caught up in their own problems that they feel trapped and helpless and unable to give and receive love. Wouldn't it be painful to be trapped in such a state of mind? I think most of us can agree it would even if we think we can't ever imagine feeling that way.

 

At least for me, I feel better when I focus on having compassion rather than anger.

 

But, regardless, in our actions, I think giving them space is the best decision. They are adults and truly, they do need to face their own demons and come to terms with them. It is not our job or role to fix this for them. If they asked for help, then certainly we could provide that, but if they do not, then we act disrespectfully if we ignore their wishes. And if their demons are so strong that these people can't be our partners, then isn't it best that they let us go so we can find someone who is ready to be a partner?

 

There doesn't have to be judgment and hurt here - there is a loss of course, but we need to realize that their actions are about THEM and not about us. We should not take their actions personally.

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I think it can help if we try to shift our feelings to compassion for our ex (in break ups like this where the person is consumed with other issues unrelated to us). If we really love them, then we need to be able to say to ourselves, its really unfortunate that they are so caught up in their own problems that they feel trapped and helpless and unable to give and receive love. Wouldn't it be painful to be trapped in such a state of mind? I think most of us can agree it would even if we think we can't ever imagine feeling that way.

 

At least for me, I feel better when I focus on having compassion rather than anger.

 

+ 1000. Bravo.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I want to thank everyone for the great posts, I did end up breaking NC and I was rejected - of course not in a very direct way but I'm actually now okay with everything and truly have let go of having control of the situation. I actually feel sorry for my ex, not just because he has lost me but because he's so lost himself.

 

If he comes back, at this point, I don't know what I would do. My feelings for him are weird now, I just see him as a different person, not the guy I was in love with or who was in love with me. So only time will tell, but till then I am done with contact and done with him.

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i think sometimes it helps to break NC and get things out in the open. I guess as times passes by, you will probably lose attraction for him........it takes courage and determination to face one's issues and he doesn't appear to want to do that and that's not a very attractive quality in a person IMO. You were prepared to face your issues and fight for him, but he doesn't appear to want to do the same. Keep healing and if he turns his life around, then you can make a decision at that time.

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Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

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