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Quick question about breakup timing


monstermash

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I decided this week that I need to end my current relationship (thank you to those who helped by replying to my post a few days ago!). I've been so busy and haven't had much of a chance to even see him, and haven't had a chance to end things in a fair, manner where we have time to talk.

 

Tonight he DROVE HOME after an evening of drinking with his friends. He wasn't buzzed, he was drunk. He then turned it on me, saying he tried to call me for a ride but I didn't answer the phone, and it is my fault me was forced to drive home. My phone shows no record of him calling. Somehow he can afford to drink at a bar for hours but can't come up with cab fare? I'm furious. Our relationship has been going downhill slowly, but that is the last straw for me. I can't stand to be with a person who would do something like that. He stumbled into bed, I would prefer not to end my 2 year relationship tonight while I am raging mad and he is intoxicated.

 

We have had plans for over a week with his parents to go out for dinner tomorrow night. They are taking us out because my boyfriend had a birthday this week. They are lovely sweet people and I would not want to offend them. I'm not sure what is the appropriate thing to do here. Hold off on the break-up, and go to dinner...only to break up later that night or the next day, or break up with him when I get home from work tomorrow and not go to dinner.

 

Do I fake it to his parents and pretend I'm happy with this guy at dinner? Or is it more offensive to break up with him a couple hours before we would have met for dinner and ruin the evening?

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I had an ex come over to my parents house for dinner one night--my mom went all-out cooking for him, he sat down and acted perfectly happy and appeared to be having a great time--and then he took me on a walk behind my house right after dinner and dumped me. The thing that pissed me off the most is that he allowed my mom to do something so nice for him, and acted like nothing was wrong, and THEN dumped me. I was so angry he didn't do it before my mom went to all that trouble.

 

At the same time, it might ruin the family dinner if you do it beforehand. Hmmm...

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Your situation is exactly why I don't know what to do! I'm a jerk if I go and pretend everything is fine and then break up with him, I'm a jerk if I do it before dinner, knowing they had made reservations and had a special night planned for their son.

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Okay, so now I'm just thinking up anything that might "ease" the situation...but could you go to dinner, play pretend while you're there, and then after you break up with him call his family and offer to pay them back for your portion of the dinner tab? That way you don't ruin anything before the big dinner--yet, you also don't look like you were just taking advantage of a free meal right before breaking up with their son.

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Well there's never a perfect time to break up; breakups are usually messy. That being said, I am going through a strangely similar situation. I was at a party where my boyfriend got intoxicated and acted in a way that made me not want to date him any longer but we had plans to go on a trip a few days later. I still went on the trip with him. I plan to break up with him officially when he gets back from the trip (I came back before he planned to)

 

I think for you, if the parents are coming from far away or something where they are going the extra mile then you might want to break it off before the dinner. But honestly, in the long run, it won't matter WHEN you broke up just that you did.

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I think the more important question is, are you ready to act on the breakup? It sounds like you two live together. So do you have a plan for what happens after you say, "I'm sorry, we're through"?

 

I'd probably wait until the next morning after the parent dinner at least. If you do it beforehand, he immediately has to tell his parents why you're not there for dinner--which will make him feel humiliated, and that's not going to help his temper. You still have to deal with him for as long as it takes to get your living arrangements & stuff separated. Why make things worse?

 

And then, by the time you get home from dinner, it's probably late & a difficult time of night to get into tough subjects unless you've got somebody nearby that you could stay with if things get ugly.

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I actually vote for before, even if it will make the evening awkward for the family--it might actually be good for him to have plans for the evening after being broken up with, especially if drinking is a problem for him.

 

The evening is honestly going to be "ruined" no matter what you do at this point, because you will either have just broken up with him or he'll always remember that you broke up with him right afterward.

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Don't wait. Skip the birthday dinner and save yourself from putting on a false front, a charade.

 

As for the drunk driving: Your breaking up with him is his first big wake-up call. If he keeps it up, he will get a DUII, or worse, be in a crash. I actually think you are doing him a favor by dumping him.

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