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I'm having issues with my boyfriend and my mother. She was supportive up until about the time we hit our year and a half mark. It will be 2 years this october that we've been dating. I really love him, I think i would be hard pressed to find another guy who is as sensitive, intelligent, funny, and similar to me. He is absolutly my best friend. And I don't know yet if he is the one, but I really would like to think so. Every once in a while I get this panic of doubt though. I don't know what either of us would do if we weren't together, we seem so great together, and I am happy. Yes, we have our fights, everyone does. but they never last, and we don't hold grudges about them. He's all that I could ask for. He's very smart, and is getting better and better about prioritizing and making the grades he needs to (while I on the other hand still suck at that). He's an engineering student like me, he grew up on a farm like I did, he supports my horse habit, he listens to my problems, he makes me laugh every day, he loves family, he worries if I don't call to tell him goodnight, the list goes on... He has the best sense of humor of anyone I know. I am generally hard to deal with, I can be obnoxious and demanding at times. I must admit, I like attention.

Right now my heart is breaking. I get to see him for the first time in a long time (we're in different states for the summer again), but I can't be excited like I was.

See, I just got this email from my mom:

 

"

 

I really want you praying about your future. please....

Is tom* the ONE. because you have never dated anyone else.

 

I want your future to be full of joy. and I'm only thinking of your best interest because you are all I care about. I only have your best interest in mind. he is very immature still. I know you see a different side. and he has many good qualities but... Maybe you and he could be amazing friends. to continue dating because you don't want to hurt someones feelings would be selfish on your part.

I worry about this all the time. please pray about it and don't repeat to sally* because she will tell him even if she says she won't. if tom is the One you have decided on this would hurt our relationship in the future.

 

I Love you very much

Mom

 

"

 

It really hurt me. I cried and had another one of those panics of doubt. I think everyone has those though, right? I mean... everything is so right.... There are a few things about him that I wish I could change, but I still love him and accept those traits as a part of him. He's much more of a realist than I am, and sometimes he gets in a bitter mood, but he gets over it. I dunno, I love him, I really really don't want to think about not being with him. And this is not the first time she's done this. She makes comments all the time. Like I was looking thru a magazine and saw a really pretty place where they do weddings, and she was like, "I'll pay for you to get married there if you don't marry tom"... and i was really hurt by that. I know she just wants what's best, but she doesn't know him like I do.

 

I emailed her back:

 

"

 

Mom, it really hurts me when you talk like this. Everyone is immature still. i know we both have growing up to do. I would hate for you to regret saying these things later. I am happy, I really am. I enjoy being around him, I love him, and he loves me. I can't think of being with anyone else. I wouldn't date someone I couldn't see myself with. I don't know, my future is not set in stone yet. I really just don't want to talk about this. It puts way too much of a burden on me, and I dread talking to you about me and tom because of it. tom has matured a lot in the past quarter as far as some things are concerned. Mom, I'm happy, please don't make me stress out like this. It puts me in a panic. All I can think about is that you might not aprove of the guy that I am in love with. I can tell you that I do love him, but I can't tell you if he is the one, i won't be able to yet. I'm not mature enough myself to decide something like that. I cannot deal with this. I just... It hurts me. It hurts my feelings when you say you don't want me spending time with him this summer, that you want me to look around more. It just hurts my feelings and makes me cry. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I don't want to miss out on what could be wonderful just because i wanted to date more. I think things will work out in their own time. Neither of us is going to be doing anything dumb, I'm not in a race here. I just want to have fun and enjoy this relationship...is that wrong? I don't want to cut this off, I really don't. Just please, ease up a little. I am only 21, I have plenty of time to think. I know you are looking out for me, but please, don't say things that you might regret saying, and don't tell me to choose between the two of you. I'd like to at least pretend that you approve of my boyfriend. Just...I dunno, I'm sorry.... I know that there's a chance that you could be right, that he might not be the perfect guy for me, but I can't know that yet. There are so many things that are so right it's just...I just don't want to talk about it. It messes with my judgement when guilt is involved.

I love you

 

"

 

I just don't know what to do.... :sad:

 

*names changed

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hmmm... this is a tough one.

 

Honestly, your mother needs to butt out of your relationship. How you two handle your relationship is yours and "Tom's" business. I think your mom is concerned about "Tom" never growing up, but that's really for you to decide. I don't know how old you both are OP, but if you're in college and are about to leave school then I'd say you're pretty mature to handle a relationship. Also, the line that really struck me in her e-mail was:

 

"Maybe you and he could be amazing friends. to continue dating because you don't want to hurt someones feelings would be selfish on your part. I worry about this all the time."

 

I maybe over analyzing here, but it almost sounds like she "knows" you don't have feelings for him. She's twisting the e-mail to make it sound like you're better off without him because you only see him as a friend. At least that's the entire message I am getting.

 

What also gets me is that she didn't have the courage to tell you this in person. It's funny that she's telling you to not stick around in fear of hurting his feelings, but she doesn't have the guts to face you and make these suggestions in fear of hurting your feelings. Not a very adult way of handling this if you ask me. You don't deserve an e-mail from your own mother asking you to break up; you deserve a face-to-face discussion as to why she has a problem with the relationship and how you both can work things out. Unless your life is in danger by being around Tom, it's not appropriate for your mom to ask you to break up and play a matchmaker.

 

My suggestion about this? You should make the ultimate decision of what makes you happy. If Tom makes you happy, stick with him. Will the mom be happy, who knows and people do change over time. But you happiness is most important.

 

[edit]I would not go telling this to Tom since she is your mother. It will cause a lot of awkwardness and trust issues.

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it's actually my mother, not his. But you do make a good point.

And I do love him, I do have feelings for him, but she knows that I am the person who hates to hurt anyone. I'm a worrier and a doormat at times, I am getting better about it, but I used to make myself sick making sure everyone else was happy. I really don't do that anymore, but I can see where she is coming from in that respect. If I do fall out of love with tom, then what? I would honestly hate to see him hurt. But I think that I could do it. There is no way we could still be friends though. I just don't see it. I would like for him to always be my best friend, even if for some reason things turned south, though.

But I do love him, I know that much. I think I always will, in some form or another.

 

And he's not my first boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend, but I had many crushes and such that I was very close to, and then I had one boyfriend before tom. I know what she means, but I honestly think that it would make no difference. I can't see me meeting anyone else. There aren't any other guys I know that I could see myself with.

 

Oh, and I am 21, he is 20. we are both going into our 4th year of college, but he'll have to be there an extra quarter, and I might have to be there a whole extra year.

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Kumatora, this was her mom, not his.

 

Kat, I can understand how hurt you were by this, but I think you gave your mom a very good reply. I wonder, though--do you know from previous conversations with her exactly what she doesn't like about him? Is there anything she's seen in the relationship that is triggering her overprotectiveness of you?

 

If there's nothing that's a real issue and she just doesn't care for him because he's not what she would choose for you, then I think the best you can do is ask her not to interfere and to be polite to him when he's around. Given time, maybe he'll grow on her more as she sees your happiness together.

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What kills me is my mom and I are very close. Before all this started we talked every day, now just a few times a week, and honestly when we do talk i still love talking with her and we're still super close. Tom used to pick on me, just sort of a teasing thing, he didn't mean anything by it. But she saw it sometimes and thought of it as him belittleing me. It doesn't bother me. I spoke with him about it though, and now he doesn't pick on me outside of our circle of friends, and even then doesn't do it much at all anymore. And she thinks he's immature. And I will admit, he is. I remember one time that she had a talk with me about that trait was after we were in a starbucks sort of place, about to leave, and he layed down on the bench and said he was tired. Then when I came back to sit with him he sat up. But I just thought it was silly, she thought it was rude. It's just that sort of thing. the way we act in public when we get silly is...silly. But it's not like that all the time. I dunno, she doesn't see him as much as I do, so her judgement is based on limited knowledge.

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Your mom definitely needs a more hands off approach here. That being said, mom's are usually right, and you seem to be making a lot of excuses for yourself. Namely that you are immature, if you are so self aware of this fact then stop acting immature. It also came off that you were telling her that you are still young so if you do anything stupid even if you know it is kind of stupid that is your excuse. Of course, that doesn't really matter because in the end, it really doesn't seem like your mothers place to say these things. These are lessons people tend to learn themselves, not because it is bad or wrong for parents to give advice or insight, but simply because people tend not to want to believe or listen to them and seeing/experiencing is believing not just hearing it as advice from parents. Of course, just because of that generality doesn't mean that what your mother is saying will either come true or is accurate.

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when I said I am still young I meant that I still have lots of time before I need to be making big decisions. And by "something stupid", I mean get married or pregnant or something. She worries because a lot of my friends are getting engaged, but I just do not want to deal with school and marriage at the same time. Neither tom nor i want to deal with that. Now once I get out of school, I can start thinking about it, but that's still a time when lots of changes have to happen, and lots of stress is going to be happening, and i dont know. I'm just saying I'm young and don't plan on running off and getting married any time soon.

 

eta:

also, making excuses is another bad habit, lol!

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"if tom is the One you have decided on this would hurt our relationship in the future."

 

My response to that would be;

 

"Mom, I love you but I am an adult and in the end, I need to make the decisions for my life that I feel are in my best interests. You will not always agree with me on what those decision may be, and I no doubt will make some mistakes somewhere along the line, but they are my mistakes to make and to learn from, just as the happiness that comes from my good choices will be mine to enjoy.

 

You have raised me to look after myself. It is not your responsibility or your right to make decisions about how I will live my life. I will always listen to what you have to say, and consider whether your POV should alter my choices, but in the end, if I make a choice you disagree with, and you allow that to interfere with our relationship, that is your burden to carry, not mine."

 

 

My parents didn't approve of DH for a very long time. We were young too and there were some legitimate concerns. But we made our own choices and have built a happy life and they now finally love, respect and accept him.

 

You have to live your life. Don't succumb to emotional blackmail. Break the pattern now, or she will do this to you when you plan your wedding, buy your first home, decide to have children etc.etc.

 

It is HER issue that she cannot accept your choices. She doesn't have to like the choices you make, but she has to respect your right to make them for yourself.

 

Good luck to you.

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