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Need advice really bad- im torn


worriedme

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Ok, here goes.. Im really upset and very confused... im almost 39 years old with a 19 year old and 14 year old. Im about 2 months pregnant and scared out of my mind. We are very low income, and I cannot afford this child..not to mention my age. My boyfriend of almost 2 years wants this child...i made an appointment for a termination..but i saw the baby on an ultrasound today. the babys arm moved..im so torn up, this has never happened to me before. I know that if we have the baby, somehow, though low income, we will make it. But it will really be hard. And having a baby at almost 40 is really hard on my body. I can already feel pains and aches where they should not be. I dont know if i can do this. I dont know what to do. My appointment is in one day. I need advice, im so confused and depressed....

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wow the only thing i can really say is the only one that can help u with such a decision is you and if you let someone else influence that decision you will recent them for it you just need to be strong and make an informed decision that only you can live with no one elses judgement or opinion should count in this matter. wish you the best

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Geez, sounds like you really don't have much time to process everything that's going on.

 

The only thing you can really do is weigh out the consequences of either action and whether or not those consequences are something you can handle. Both would be extremely difficult, but which one is the most viable physically, mentally/emotionally, and financially. I almost hate to even suggest this for such a significant decision, but maybe a pros/cons list is in order.

 

I really hope things work out for you and your family

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That is very tough. I recommend not having a termination until you are absolutely sure it's what you want. Call the clinic and see what your options are as for rescheduling and how much time you can get in order to have more time to think. You need time to weigh these options and your own feelings.

 

Remember, the discomfort of pregnancy is a temporary thing. Having a termination for this reason doesn't sound like it's solid enough of a reason for you. Is your boyfriend going to be there for you if you carry the baby to term, is he solid? Is adoption a possibility? If the boyfriend's not willing to sign the papers, can he raise the child? There ARE options, you've just got to buy yourself some more time to look at them.

 

An abortion will be permanent, and it's not for me to say if it's right or wrong, but I would say make sure that what you decide is *really* what YOU want and be true to yourself.

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I understand your scared bc of your age and i could imagine the pains your feeling but I am in my 20's w/5 yr. old and pregnant...trust me you can get through the pains...I'm in backache hell!! You mention you know that even low income ya'll would make it....Life is hard it's never a reason to give up. Only you know if you can handle this child...I don't want to tell you not to terminate even though It saddens me especially bc your bf wants the baby. You know There is assistance for raising children. It's work to find it and get it but it can be done. Think of these Two questions...#1. Do u see yourself regretting the termination ever? and #2. Do u see yourself regretting the little baby u and your bf can share a bond with even though it may be very tough? I feel like I'm being one-sided but honestly Whatever your decision I hope you are at peace with it in the end. Good Luck!!!

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In some ways i can see myself feeling regret if i go ahead with it. The thing is, i can also see that down the line, i would be ok with it. But when i look at my bf, i know that this child is a product of us, of our love, he really wants a child, he has made comments to me, "I cant wait for the baby". I know it is going to be hard. Everyone is against me.. my brother says "Jesus Christ! Get rid of it, you dont need anymore kids!!!!" "Get a fuc*&^% life!" and my eldest daughter, she says, "Mom, this is a mistake. You cannot afford it. We can barely afford to live! Just get rid of it." and my parents, I have not even told them. Although I am almost 40, (yah, grown, i know) my father will tell me how very disappointed he is in me. Yet, through all of that, should I say screw everyone, screw my freedom that i am used to, my kids are almost grown, but i can do it again..? I am also the only one working to support my bf and i and i just bought a house. You see, many things are working against us.. yet, it is a life....it is a child. For God's sake, do i have the right to have it killed and sucked out of me just because i feel selfesh, because i want to work really hard to pay for my new house and not deal with a crying baby ? My boyfriend and i are in love and value our time together., we like to spend hours alone. All that is going to change when a new baby and then a growing toddler comes into the picture. This is SO hard. I am running out of time to deciede.

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ok...first thing you should do is call and reschedule the abortion appointment. Give yourself 2 more weeks. Go ahead and schedule the appt for 2 weeks from now. And really think about it. Talk to your kids and tell them that you are considering having the baby. See if they will be able to help out and support you. Talk to your parents and tell them that you are considering keeping the baby.

 

Your bf needs to get a job. Even if it's McDonald's flipping burgers...there needs to be more income, especially when you go on maternity leave. Also, you may need to take some time off during the pregnancy. It may be harder on you because you are older. I just had my first child in March and I am 35. My pregnancy was god awful. I hurt all the time, everywhere. But as soon as I had my son, most of the aches and pains went away. Also, find a GOOD ob and dont be afraid to take some meds during your pregnancy. I took more meds while I was pregnant than I ever have. I took an anti-depressant (I was on it prior to pregnancy and my docs decided it would be worse to take me off of it), I took Vicodan for migraines and severe pain, I took Phenergan for nausea and vomitting, I took Tylenol PM because I couldnt sleep and had restless leg syndrome thru the pregnancy. My son is a beautiful and very very healthy boy. The stress and pain was too much for me at times and I had to have the meds. It would have been so much worse without them.

 

Anyhow, my point is that if you are going to keep the baby, be prepared to take a sick day here and there and use meds if they will help. I even took Prednisone for 7 days while pregnant and it is NOT recommended while pregnant. When everything started "spreading" my whole chest wall became inflamed and it was agony to breathe and move. The prednisone calmed the inflammation down and I didnt have anymore probs with it.

 

I think overall you need more time to decide. This is not a snap decision to be made spur of the moment. It may seem that no one wants you to keep the baby, but you really have to put all the other opinions aside and do what YOU want.

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If you are saying things like 'it's a life' and 'it's a baby' then I strongly sense that abortion is not for you. The language you are using implies what you really want. You're not referring to this as just a choice or something like that; it sounds like you have already attached.

 

Other people can say what they want. They are not the ones who will have to live with their decision and their action. It's your choice; not theirs. Whatever you do - make sure it is what YOU really want and not what you feel pressured to do by anyone either way.

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I think that you have serious doubts about terminating and therefore you probably shouldn't. This is based on what you say about already feeling you'd regret it.

 

I can imagine that age is a concern- not only for your own body but also for the baby's health. I think you should find some extra guidance, have extra appointments with your obgyn or find others in the same situation. And probably you should consider prenatal screening, but I don't know how you feel about that. You're not the only woman out there at your age being pregnant. I don't know if these aches are age-related, every pregnancy is different. I had many aches in the beginning and still... they just worry me less now. Both my parents are the youngest in relatively large families, and were born healthily when their mothers were resp. 37 and 43 (!). It's not necessarily a problem, but it is a higher risk.

 

As for your bf, if he wants the baby, he should take up his financial responsibility.

 

Adoption could be an option, but I get the feeling that you're more scared of the pregnancy than about having the baby, but maybe I am wrong.

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Everyone is against me.. my brother says "Jesus Christ! Get rid of it, you dont need anymore kids!!!!" "Get a fuc*&^% life!" and my eldest daughter, she says, "Mom, this is a mistake. You cannot afford it. We can barely afford to live! Just get rid of it."

 

A decision like this is never made easily. I think the decision is between you and your BF though- and not any of the other people that you mentioned.

 

What stake does your brother have in all this, to have that kind of opinion? If that is how he worded it- I would question even having him in your life. He sounds insensitive and not like someone you need around you right now.

 

I'm surprised that your oldest daughter even knows about it. I'm sorry but at her young age she is likely more worried about what it might mean for HER (i.e. less money to spend on her) She should get a job, if she does not have one already, and help contribute to the family income is she is living with you.

 

This is never an easy decision- but it is one that you must make from your own heart and mind.

 

From reading what you've written so far, it sounds like you don't want to abort.

 

Don't make any rushed decisions and try to tune out the noise from everyone else while you think this through.

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I don't wish to sound pushy or to pressure you in any way. Since others have mentioned adoption I hope you won't be hurt by my offering my perspective. My husband and I are unable to have children on our own and are trying to adopt. I just wanted you to know that adoption agencies have what are called "pregnancy counselors" who can provide resources in making the right decision for YOU. They are not allowed to promote adoption. Their job is to educate women facing unplanned pregnancies. If you decide to parent your baby they will connect you with resources for meeting your family's needs. If you decide to make an adoption plan they'll thoroughly educate you at no obligation or expense. Adopters and adoption agencies want to help you make the best decision for you, not to pressure you. Open adoption is a wonderful arrangement. Adoption is no longer a closed door: birthmothers can have as little or as much contact with their child as they want. It also might reassure you to know that the cliche of the pregnant teen placing her child through adoption is actually quite rare. The majority of women who make adoption plans are college age through 45. Their reasons are usually financial. Older women have the maturity and responsibility to properly assess their resources -- physically, financially and emotionally. Teens often have no concept of the challenges of parenting. So, as you deliberate, don't feel ashamed or alone. There are many women in similar circumstances who choose adoption. Adoption is a painful choice... but it's also beautiful, loving, responsible. Adoption is the ONLY way people like me can achieve the dream of parenthood. I wish you the best, whatever you decide. If you have any questions about the adoption process, please contact me or your local agencies.

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