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Put yourself in their shoes!


nicknick

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I've been thinking about this for a while.

 

If you are dumped by someone who no longer has feelings for you is it anybody's fault?!

 

Some relationships just fizzle out. People can't help it if they no longer love someone.....should we be so hard on dumpers when this happens.....they can't help what they feel (who can?).

 

Sue it's not nice to be told your oppo no longer loves you but it's not their fault...there is no one to blame. Emotions and feelings come and go and there is no guarantee with anything...i've learnt that much at least in my life so far (i did get a 12month guarantee with my flat screen TV though and i do love it!).

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People come here because they are hurt and want advice when they get dumped. Its hard to understand your SO's reasons for a break up sometimes. Yes the other person broke up with them for their own reasons and it was probably for the best. But it still hurts, and there is always blame at the end of the relationship. Of course there is.

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I don't the get "feelings" part of relationships. Why are there no guarantees? Where's loyalty? What's the point of all of this getting to know one another * * * * ? What exactly are we doing here, just following our "feelings" as they come and go?

 

Seems insane.

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Hm my ex left me a while ago. I was mad for a good bit, don't really care much anymore because I know good things are around the corner. I will say tho I don't really know that there is no "fault" in a lot of breakups. I mean looking back on my relationship at the end there was a severe lack of communication. I think if she could have communicated a lot of her concerns to me from the get go it would have solved a lot of problems... and I could have done the same.

 

So I don't blame her for it, I made mistakes also... and the end of that relationship wasn't the end of the world... but I don't believe things just fizzled out without underlying problems that were never brought up.

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Um...ideally, from a spiritual perspective, you're right. It's not technically their "fault" if they decide they don't have feelings for you and don't want to work on rekindling them.

 

But I do think it's kind of messed up for a person to constantly tell you that they love you, make plans to marry you, etc., then suddenly decide they don't want to work on things.

 

It's like with a job--you make a committment to working for a company. You sell yourself--basically tell the company you can be relied upon, etc. Then you change your mind and decide you no longer want to work there. Sure, you're not a bad person, but the company was counting on you and you bailed out. Now they have to find another worker because you are leaving them high and dry.

 

And actually...leaving someone is worse than leaving a job. At least with a job, you are replaceable. You are just there to get the job done. It's about what you do, not who you are. But in a relationship, you are irreplaceable.

 

How come ditching a friend or family member is considered "disloyal" but ditching a faithful partner who has done nothing "wrong" to merit being dumped is considered absolutely fine?

 

You have a connection to someone and you just decide you don't want it anymore.

 

I think there is something wrong with that personally, but that's just me.

 

Now if the person was toxic or abusive, etc. and you've tried (I mean *actually* tried) to do something about it, then I can understand bailing out.

 

But you just got bored and want to move on? That's your right, but you're still not doing something very kind. You don't just leave your kids when you feel like it (well, you could, but that would definitely be irresponsible). So why can you just ditch your partner? Can you ditch loyal friends, family, job?

 

It may be permissable in our society, but I don't think it's anything to condone.

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I don't the get "feelings" part of relationships. Why are there no guarantees? Where's loyalty? What's the point of all of this getting to know one another * * * * ? What exactly are we doing here, just following our "feelings" as they come and go?

 

Seems insane.

 

YOU SAID IT ALL!

 

What if I don't "feel" like going to work or paying my taxes?

 

People base too much on temporary feelings and not on things like loyalty and effort.

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I've been thinking about this for a while.

 

If you are dumped by someone who no longer has feelings for you is it anybody's fault?!

 

Some relationships just fizzle out. People can't help it if they no longer love someone.....should we be so hard on dumpers when this happens.....they can't help what they feel (who can?).

Sue it's not nice to be told your oppo no longer loves you but it's not their fault...there is no one to blame. Emotions and feelings come and go and there is no guarantee with anything...i've learnt that much at least in my life so far (i did get a 12month guarantee with my flat screen TV though and i do love it!).

 

This is probably the worst mis-information that our ego's have ever tried to pass off as true.

 

Who is charge of the way we feel? We are and no one is repsonsibile for that. Feelings are emotional reactions to our thoughts and from other emotions that we are experiencing. Love is one of the emotions that we can experience that we are responsible for creating. Not some force that compels us to feel.

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But I do think it's kind of messed up for a person to constantly tell you that they love you, make plans to marry you, etc., then suddenly decide they don't want to work on things.

 

Sometimes I think that people are too quick to open their mouths with the promises of this and that.....and then further down the line it can turn out to not be what they want and they regret it. Lots of lovey dovey things are said in the 'honeymoon period' and a period when things are all star spangled banners and misty eyes....lol

Things are said in 'lust' and before love has even started to develop....

Some people think with their groins....

 

Gawd, how many times was I promised this and that and by different men who wanted to marry me and swore they would love me forever and ever Amen....lol. If all had to keep their promises and stood by their promises of undying and lasting love, Id have around ten different husbands now....

 

 

It's like with a job--you make a committment to working for a company. You sell yourself--basically tell the company you can be relied upon, etc. Then you change your mind and decide you no longer want to work there. Sure, you're not a bad person, but the company was counting on you and you bailed out. Now they have to find another worker because you are leaving them high and dry.

 

 

Fact is, people are not obligated to remain where they no longer want to be and it's a not law or a requirement that they do....

What people want now, may not be what they want in six weeks, six months or six years....

 

Life is too short, to remain in a situation and whereby one is not happy....

 

If I had to think along the lines of your above post quoted, then Id be saying that my ex H should be still with me, despite the fact he was miserable. Would I really want to be with someone who was unhappy with me, yet who had made a committment to me?

 

No, I wouldn't.....because that is 'selfish'...

 

Id rather be set free and to be with someone, who would be happy with me....

 

Unfortunatley, some relationships will work and some won't.....that is the way of relationships and has been since the dawn of time.

 

We go into them and not knowing if it will work.....but people go on and continue to take that chance it will.

 

My favourite quote 'Nothing is guaranteed in life, cept for death and taxes'....

 

 

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This is probably the worst mis-information that our ego's have ever tried to pass off as true.

 

Who is charge of the way we feel? We are and no one is repsonsibile for that. Feelings are emotional reactions to our thoughts and from other emotions that we are experiencing. Love is one of the emotions that we can experience that we are responsible for creating. Not some force that compels us to feel.

 

 

I don't see how a person can be responsible for falling in love or for that matter falling out of love...maybe i misread/misunderstood your comment.

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I don't see how a person can be responsible for falling in love or for that matter falling out of love...maybe i misread/misunderstood your comment.

 

I think that commitment is about still sticking with a person even if you fall out of love with them and work on getting that love back.

 

Love fades in and out but real partnership and commitment is what is going to hold you together.

 

So, if you bail every time you "fall out of love", you won't be with people for that long. You have to stick it out and trust that it'll come back.

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I think that commitment is about still sticking with a person even if you fall out of love with them and work on getting that love back.

 

Love fades in and out but real partnership and commitment is what is going to hold you together.

 

So, if you bail every time you "fall out of love", you won't be with people for that long. You have to stick it out and trust that it'll come back.

 

Yes, I wonder if people actually fall out of 'enchantment'.

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I think people fall out of the fantasy... and when the crap hits the fan, they would rather run than get down in the dirt and cultivate the seeds.

 

 

I agree. Also, most of the time the dumpees are upset because the dumping was not done with kindness and empathy. In many cases the actual dumping and/or what preceded and followed the dumping was done with cruelty, deception and dishonesty. complete lack of regard for the other person's feelings...treating them like a lower form of plant life. That is why the dumpees get angry... ultimately it is not so much losing the dumper, it is losing dreams and hopes, and it is about the way the dumper treated you.

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I agree. Also, most of the time the dumpees are upset because the dumping was not done with kindness and empathy. In many cases the actual dumping and/or what preceded and followed the dumping was done with cruelty, deception and dishonesty. complete lack of regard for the other person's feelings...treating them like a lower form of plan life. That is why the dumpees get angry... ultimately it is not so much losing the dumper, it is losing dreams and hopes, and it is about the way the dumper treated you.

 

I think the worst is that you feel like they "turned on you".

 

Here is this person that once unconditionally loved me and ended up kicking me to the curb. How do I know that the next won't do that?

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I think the worst is that you feel like they "turned on you".

 

Here is this person that once unconditionally loved me and ended up kicking me to the curb. How do I know that the next won't do that?

 

Yes..and like you never really knew them at all...you don't recognize who this person is anymore.

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For me I understand that my ex still harbored feelings for his long-gone ex, which I wasn't aware when we were together. This made me mad at him. Also the way he handled the breakup was very painful and he even wanted to discuss testing waters with her and if it didn't work he would stay with me. Nobody is going to accept the terms like this except a doormat. This is how I felt hurt, invalidated, resentful, and betrayed.

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I've been thinking about this for a while.

 

If you are dumped by someone who no longer has feelings for you is it anybody's fault?!

 

Some relationships just fizzle out. People can't help it if they no longer love someone.....should we be so hard on dumpers when this happens.....they can't help what they feel (who can?).

 

Sue it's not nice to be told your oppo no longer loves you but it's not their fault...there is no one to blame. Emotions and feelings come and go and there is no guarantee with anything...i've learnt that much at least in my life so far (i did get a 12month guarantee with my flat screen TV though and i do love it!).

 

 

Im in somewhat of a similar situation, except I broke up with my ex-gf because I came to realize she did not care about me enough and the relationship, which makes me think she fell out of love naturally. I feel like it's more painful to go thru this because you feel like you have given that person everything you could have, but they couldnt show you the same respect in return.

 

But in terms of fault, I guess you cant really blame the person, as they probably fell out of it on account of how the relationship was going.

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5 Mistakes People Make When A Loved...
5 Mistakes People Make When A Loved One lets them Down

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