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Breakups and Reconciliations-Gender Driven?


moonbug

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Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

I noticed that a large proportion of the active members seeking reconciliation with their exes here on ENA, seem to be men. I don't have a no. on this, but thats the general feeling I get when I go through the different threads. I am not saying there are no women here, but they look kinda outnumbered. Which led me to another thought: Is it possible that men who have been dumped, seek reconciliations more than women? Based on the proportion of guys vs girls here, a few trends I think might exist are:

 

1. When men are dumped, they want to get back more than the women who have been dumped. Probably it is trust thing. Men are willing to trust someone who broke their hearts once. But women aren't and so not too many of them seek reconciliations. Probably because they are generally more insecure? I dunno

 

2. Could this also be a reason for relatively low proportion of success stories here on ENA? Because there are more men seeking reconciliation, it makes me feel like when women end things, there is a certain finality. When men dump women, the chances of getting back are higher? Any truth? Or am I just typing rubbish now?

 

3. Is there any particular trend you people have noticed about dumpers coming back? From the stories I have read here, I get the feeling that male dumpers are the ones who will usually come back and reach out to their exes. Not too many female dumpers seem to come back. Which is ironic, because if there are more dumped men seeking reconciliation here, then one would expect more stories of female dumpers coming back. Does that mean that men are not sure of what they want when they end things with women?

 

There are a few more things I noticed. But based on the response this thread gets, I will put up more. Why am I getting the feeling that a lot of people are going to get on my case for reading into something that doesn't exist?

 

So what do you guys think? Are their distinct gender based traits any of you have noticed when it comes to breakups and reconciliations?

 

PS: Keep the moonbug bashing at a minimum if possible. I am a sweet guy...really.

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i like your first thought.. about women not wanting to bite it again.

but it could be for a large number of reasons.

i've also noticed the majority of men who want the women back.. the woman is usually unworthy of a second chance or even the longing the man has for them.

i dont have a number on that either, but it seems like a common theme.

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I think there is a higher proportion that the dumpers are women. A man will stay in a relationship longer until he finds someone else aslong as he is still getting regular sex. A man might suddenly jump ship and later realise it wasnt as good. i think women base the relationship more on emotions and compatability so once they dump someone they know for sure and rarely get back together. They might have been thinking about it for a while. There is a higher chance of them getting back together if the dumper is a man. Thats just my opinion as amongst my friends it seem mostly the women who have doen the dumping.

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I find that women guard their emotions like a pitbull with a bone, and once you hurt them its pretty much it. Also, I find alot of times a once a woman's feelings are gone they are gone. A female friend recently told me, guys remember the good, girls remember the hurt. I think thats pretty accurate.

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I just think women tend to put their ALL into a relationship and makes efforts to make it work during the relationship.Not to say that men don't, but for me, once I am done and have given it my all, there is no reason to go back for more anguish. Plus women process breakups much sooner after a breakup than men do, whereas men don't process it till much later, thus changing his mind.

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Ok. So then whatever be the reasons, you guys agree that the chances of a male dumper coming back and regretting it are considerably higher than women dumpers coming back? Because a lot of stuff I read elsewhere suggests that women make decisions with their hearts and so later on realize that they actually want something different. Contradicting really.

 

Well, but if we go by the numbers here, where we see very few female dumpers coming back and wanting to reconcile, well, my chances are screwed. Thats for sure.

 

Not surprisingly, most of the people who have responded here so far are guys too! I was expecting the women to all come screaming 'we want our exes back too!' Well, just goes on to prove there is some sense to the trends I imagined, eh?

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it's hard for me to imagine being the dumper (i'm a female). i've been dumped by both my boyfriends. the first one had a crush on someone else and started dating her.. but got really mad at me when i was dating someone else. the second one... well he up and disappeared and i think i want him back but not sure. my confidence with him is shattered.

 

i do think women mostly remember the hurt and put their all into relationships. i don't understand male or female who leaves out of the blue. one of my friends that's a girl is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend to test the waters and maybe be with this other guy. similar to why my ex (male) left me.

 

honestly, i think it has to do with maturity. women mature faster and know what they do or don't want MOST of the time... not ALL women. men take longer to mature.. thus don't know what they want etc.

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one of my friends that's a girl is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend to test the waters and maybe be with this other guy.

 

Is this other guy her ex? If not, it is not really a reconciliation. Its not a female dumper coming back.

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Well more women file for divorce now than men so it could be that more women are doing breakups all together leaving more men as dumpees.

 

I ran accross one stat that mention that divorces with college educated women, 90% of those were filed by the woman. I guess women are no longer putting up with our nonsense and feel more confident with being single than before.

 

It's much harder to get a woman back than a man since women tend to check out long before leaving. In my case, my wife was pressured out by another man before she was completely detached from me which may have helped her come back when she did.

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I'd be shy to say 'considerably higher' just because thats a bold statement founded on no solid statistic or evidence.

ena only displays a specific populace of people.

Yea I agree its not the largest sample set. But if you notice over the years, even in the old threads, the same trend shows. I know its not the smartest thing to make predictions without solid figures. But well, who is gonna wait for them lol!

 

Moreover, if the trends point towards really bad chances for me, something tells me its going to be true. Nothing works out for me ever haha!

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I'd be shy to say 'considerably higher' just because thats a bold statement founded on no solid statistic or evidence.

ena only displays a specific populace of people.

 

I agree, there is also the case that alot of men will result to annonomyus discussion over the Internet where women will fall back to their friends.

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maybe its also because women tend to turn to other women with their torment. whereas a man would be considered less manly and even annoying by his "braughs" if he harped like a female would about a breakup.

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I agree, there is also the case that alot of men will result to annonomyus discussion over the Internet where women will fall back to their friends.

 

 

ha! we just posted the same idea at the same time. jinx!! :splat:

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maybe its also because women tend to turn to other women with their torment. whereas a man would be considered less manly and even annoying by his "braughs" if he harped like a female would about a breakup.

True. But because women open up to their friends lot more than men, would that keep them from coming on here too? The way I see it, post breakup, you want all the sympathy and comfort you can get, from wherever you can get. I can't imagine a woman saying to herself, 'well, I have opened up to my friends. I don't need to log on to ENA to feel good now' Lol

 

Anyway, I get your point. Very Valid.

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For those of us who are the DUMPEES I think we are just as likely to want our ex's back whatever the gender ... but for those who are the DUMPERS it does seem to swing more towards the men who want their ex's back. As EQD pointed out there are no solid statistics to back this up but it has come up in several discussions on this forum.

 

If it is true I think the reason is because men act more on impulse and on a whim and in my experience regret their actions not long afterwards. I think women tend to hang on for longer trying to make it work before finally giving in to the obvious. But, of course, whatever the reality there would always be exceptions to the rules.

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True. But because women open up to their friends lot more than men, would that keep them from coming on here too? The way I see it, post breakup, you want all the sympathy and comfort you can get, from wherever you can get. I can't imagine a woman saying to herself, 'well, I have opened up to my friends. I don't need to log on to ENA to feel good now' Lol

 

Anyway, I get your point. Very Valid.

 

Well I opened up to my friends (and still do) and I still came on here!!

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My friends are being butt heads right now. The are giving me the "you need to move on" crap. Im a female and this is the best place I have found. My ex is very very closed off. He wont even talk to his mom about this. I dont think he is talking to anybody. Its just going to bubble up in his stomach one day until it explodes!

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My friends are being butt heads right now. The are giving me the "you need to move on" crap. Im a female and this is the best place I have found. My ex is very very closed off. He wont even talk to his mom about this. I dont think he is talking to anybody. Its just going to bubble up in his stomach one day until it explodes!

 

Well, you do kinda need to move on a little Amanda. You havent shown much progress in 6 weeks. I know its hard and I dont mean to be harsh.

 

My ex is doing the same thing. To the point where she is starting to do things that insult our friends, and blaming me for their response. It will crumble down on both of them one day, and thats when they come knocking on the door....and we wont be home because we are out with the new person.

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Ok. So broadly, people seem to agree that women dumpers rarely come back. Women put in more heart in a relationship so they are not likely to want a dumper back (highly debatable but whatever). Men dumpers on the other hand don't understand what they are giving up till they feel the loss. So men are more likely to come back after dumping someone.

 

Noticing that there are a lot more guys here than girls, that is not good news. But then, I wonder why it is said that women think with their hearts and men with their brains. If women indeed did think with their hearts, wouldn't you expect more women to be erratic dumpers? Wouldn't you expect to see more women wanting their exes back? Or is it the post-breakup behavior of men that totally ruins chances for a reconciliation? Like after a breakup, a woman sees a side of her man that makes her feel 'Good Riddance'? Because I think there is a stark difference in the behavior that guys and girls exhibit right after they are dumped. Now I don't know if this really is true. But I think more guys will be likely to beg, plead, stalk etc after being dumped (truly ugly behavior). Whereas girls will probably just go and cry alone or open up to their friends or maybe go through the gifts, letters etc of the past, write love letters (basically more 'hurt' behavior) etc. Now this is completely my feeling and I am not sure this is how it is. But does the difference in post breakup behavior have a role to play in guys taking their girls back?

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Well, you do kinda need to move on a little Amanda. You havent shown much progress in 6 weeks. I know its hard and I dont mean to be harsh.

 

My ex is doing the same thing. To the point where she is starting to do things that insult our friends, and blaming me for their response. It will crumble down on both of them one day, and thats when they come knocking on the door....and we wont be home because we are out with the new person.

 

Im talking about they want me to move onto somebody else. Get started with dating and seeing other people. I have made progress but its a slow go right now. We were together for 6 years, best friends for 8. You cant just sweep that under the rug. Im just not ready to date so im tired of friends telling me to start dating. I will not just hook up to hook up. That is not who I am. I have integrity.

 

I dont know if you can put a gender on it. It depends on the person. Not sure but I find it interesting.

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Men are often taught by society to do the pursuing and women are often taught that pursuing a man in any way is considered desperate.

 

So, it's no wonder that many women will not try and pursue an ex even if they want them back, and a man would be more in the position of wanting to pursue an ex.

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