Under pressure to break up

[Shy_30]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years. We've been through our tough times with money worries etc. but we've come through it all and our relationship is stronger than ever.

 

My parents told me last week that they don't approve of our relationship. They can see that i'm more financially stable than he is, and they think he's taking advantage of that. I own my own house, and although he's older than i am he doesn't have many assets. They also think that he is difficult to like, that no-matter what that he acts like his opinion is always right, they feel that it's hard work to get on with him. They just don't like him.

 

They think i can do so much better. They've told me that they've worried about me alot and had often prayed (!) that i'd see sense!! I turned 30 recently and they said that they would have been disgusted if we were to have gotten engaged for it.

 

I'm so upset to hear that my parents feel this way. They're forcing me to break up with him.

 

Do i listen to them and trust them? I know they told me all this because they worry and care for me. Or do i just go with my heart, and stay with him because i love him? Is love enough? I'll lose family support if i stay with him.

 

I'm heartbroken to be in this position.

If i stay with him then my family will probably disown me.

But i don't want to break up with him. I really do love him. I can't picture life withouth him. Things would be tough, but we have so much love and friendship in our relationship. Is that enough?

[woahisme13]

It's your life. You need to do what makes you happy. It's not your parents choice to make. If you love him and want to be with him then that is great. If he treats you well and makes you happy then your parents should be happy for you. I think they are being selfish by trying to break you two up.

[mr.mac]

But i don't want to break up with him. I really do love him. I can't picture life without him. Things would be tough, but we have so much love and friendship in our relationship. Is that enough?

 

This is your answer! I believe in love and you obviously do too. Follow your heart!

[Sunflour]

Do you see any truth in your parents' criticisms, or do you believe they are being unfair to your BF?

[Kumatora]

8 years is a very long time to be in a relationship. I'm sure you both have worked things out and been through hell and back.

 

Just a curious question: are you both planning on getting married? 8 years is a very long time.

 

As for your parents... I would take their advice as a grain of salt. It's like coming here and asking for advice from people you don't know; you either agree with it or not. However, you should consider some of their points and see how (or if) it helps with your relationship and well being. Your well being comes first.

 

Honestly, I can relate with you. I am dating interracially and my parents do not like it because my boyfriend grew up with a different culture and doesn't have his US citizenship yet. What I've done is that I politely, but firmly, remind them that I respect their opinions about my boyfriend, but me handling his differences are my business. It shows them that I am considering what they say (instead of ignoring them), and that I am capable of making my own decisions as an adult. May want to try that to get them to stop.

[Shy_30]

Thanks everyone. It's a horrible situation to be honest. I'm so torn between what people want for me and what i want for me. My heart says stay with him but my head is more aprehensive! My heart's side of the argument is winning.

I have been so upset since Friday's revelations and i've thought long and hard about what to do.... and i'm still no closer to making the decision.

 

I can see where my parents are coming from with their criticisms, and in one sense i even appreciate them saying all this to me. It's always nice to know people care and they want the best for you. I know he could make more of an effort when we visit my family.... but what can i do? He can be seem very quiet and uninterested when he has nothing to contribute to a conversation. He gets on their nerves.

 

8 years is a long time, and as well as being my boyfriend he's also my best friend. I don't want to break up with him. But if there realistically isn't a future for us it isn't fair to keep seeing him. Money and family are two big problems.

[Kumatora]

As mr.mac said, you got to do what makes you happy. At the age of 30 you shouldn't have to have your parents tell you who to marry or not. What does strike me is that you said you don't see yourself being with your boyfriend in the future. That's another commitment issue that needs to be worked out.

[Shy_30]

This day last week i would have said that we definitely had a long future together. I thought we were moving toward marriage (and i secretly hoped we'd get engaged for my birthday on sunday!) but since my mother told me how she felt on Friday i am feeling so unsure about things.

I'm meeting him this evening.... i'm going to talk to him about everything, about how i'm feeling, and see how he's feeling. We need to figure out if we can resolve anything.

I don't think i should tell him about what my mother has said to me.... i think that would be best kept to myself. It would really hurt him, and he doesn't deserve that.

[Shy_30]

I chickened out of talking to him about it lastnight. We're getting on so well these days... i don't want to destroy what we have. I know he'll be gutted if he ever finds out my parents and sisters don't like him or approve of us.

[1MoreChance]

so far what you've said is that you are more financially stable and have more assets than he does, and that he gets quiet during conversations when he has nothing to contribute to them. are those reaosns to break up with someone?

 

You've said that you love him and that he is your best friend and that you want to be with him.

 

what are you gonna tell him? that your family dislikes him and wants you two to break up? on what grounds? how do you think he will feel?

 

unless he is ruining you financially, (has some sort of a gambling or spending problem or something), or is a jobless bum, what does it matter if he is not as well off financially as you are or as your parents think he should be?

 

I would be really concerned about needlessly hurting him when you bring this issue up with him. I think that if you know you want to stay with him, I would not bring this to him, but take it to my parents and have a private conversation with them and tell them you want to be with this person, and that you will not let them subject him to rejection and humiliation. This is your parents' issue, unless you make it yours, and you bf should not be made to suffer by being dragged into it.

[Shy_30]

BF stayed with me for the weekend. Between friends calling and other things happening over the weekend we hardly had any time to ourselves, so it was yesterday when we got a chance to talk.

 

He's very worried about work at the moment, he told me things aren't going well at all - the work is there alright, but people are so slow to pay that he's really finding it difficult. I was as supportive as i could be and we chatted about different options of what to do - whether he needs to concentrate on certain parts of the job more than others, or maybe he could do a course to build his confidence and knowledge on other parts, or whether he should consider packing things in and looking for a job elsewhere. We chatted at length about all of this.

 

I had to tell him about how his finances were also a worry to me. We have spoken about this before (last time was about a year ago) and he agreed that things can't stay like this.

 

I told him too that i was worried about how we get on with eachother's families (without telling him of my mother's thoughts on the matter naturally!).

 

We chatted and cried and had lots of silences. It was horrible.

 

I told him i loved him, and he said same back.

I told him i was having doubts about our future. He said nothing. We just sat there in silence holding hands. That's pretty much how the whole evening went. Him silent, and me feeling guilty (and rightly so) for bringing all this up.

 

We went out for a drive together, just to get out of the house... but it was mostly without talking. Lastnight he seemed to just want to forget about what we had spoken about or the fact that there was a problem at all.

 

This morning we barely spoke. We haven't broken up, but it feels like we have.

 

I thought by telling him that i was worried about us, that he'd reassure me and want to find a way to make things work. But instead there was just silence. I'm starting to wonder if he wants to finish things....

 

I cried for most of the way to work this morning. Emotions are running high after the weekend, and i'm so close to tears here in work today..... I don't know how to deal with this.

[iLiveWithMyMom]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but things will work out for the better now that you've gotten your concerns aired. I have some questions though, and I hope they're not too personal.

 

1. How is it that you've been together 8 years and just now your family is telling you they don't approve of him? Did they like him originally but got turned off by him for some reason?

 

2. Is there realistic advancement opportunities for him in his current career path? Or is his job pretty much a "dead end, make ends meet" type of job? In other words, in order to get himself to your level of financial stability, would he have to change careers, go back to school, etc?

 

3. Does he help pay your mortgage and other bills?

[MissKnowitall]

You need to decide for yourself what is best for you and the decision needs to be made without outside pressure. It needs to be your own decision.

 

Your family has some very valid points. This guy may not be using you but despite what fantasy some people live in, money does matter because security matters and money is security. He doesn't have to make as much money as you and he doesn't have to make a whole lot of money at all. What he needs is to be financially stable ie: no debts, no bankruptcy history, and financially responsible. He should have financial goals that he is "actively" working toward and I would advise not going any further if he has claimed bankruptcy or has outstanding debt.

 

The other matter is that you're 30, unmarried, and the guy has had eight years to figure out if he wants to marry you or not. He probably isn't going to marry you unless you pressure him and at this point you should probably move on and explore your options because this guy has wasted your time and if you want kids you are going to need to take action.

 

My opinion doesn't really matter but I'm going to give it anyways. This guy doesn't deserve your hand in marriage and eight years without a wedding is grossly embarrassing. I have a family member that had to dance in a bucket in a mumu for a tradition because she's in your same situation: Eight years and no wedding. That must really hurt the self-esteem.

[Shy_30]

Thanks. It's good to talk here, and it is at least helping me to come to a decision.

 

I met him lastnight. I have decided to go with my heart and to stay with him. He was quiet the previous evening because he was so shocked at what i told him... at least that explains things. I have a sick feeling in my stomach now though, and i even woke up in middle of night stressing about how my mother will react when i tell her what i've decided. She's not going to be happy.

 

Another thing that worries me is that I have just noticed that i almost typed that i've decided to stay with him "for now." That's very wrong. That's not right or fair on him. Am i being a b*tch?

 

 

 

iLiveWithMyMom, in response to your questions:

 

1 - that's a really good question. Yes, they did like him originally, but lately seem to have been turned off him. I don't know the reason. I noticed my sister being snappy with him recently, but i shrugged it off. My mother has always had concerns to do with his age - he is 14 years older than i am. Her attitude is that if he's that bit older than i am, he should also have a bit more to show for it.

 

2 - i do genuinely thing that his business can work out well. He is self employed. this is his 4th year in business and he has really gotten himself established well. Things are so slow right now that it's beyond frustrating, but he is highly skilled and has a good client base. I do think he needs to push certain parts of business more than others. I have encouraged and supported him as best i can over the last few years.

 

3 - No, he doesn't help pay mortgage or bills. When i moved into my house we discussed whether or not we'd move in together, and we agreed that we'd wait until he could comfortably afford to pay his share. We're not living together - but he does stay every weekend. Even though he doesn't pay towards mortgage or bills he usually pays for groceries for both of us for the weekend, and he does the cooking.

 

 

Missknowitall

You've gotten me worried again.

He doesn't have any bankruptcy history or anything, but i know of a few debts that he does have - credit card, car loan, and i know he has some work related bills that he hasn't been able to afford to pay since January.

As for 8 years without wedding happening.... that really is something that has upset me so much. People used to ask alot of about when we would get engaged... but they've stopped asking a long time ago now. I felt four years ago that i was ready, but i waited patiently. My patience wore thin. We spoke about it, and i thought we were closer to it, then i waited some more, then we spoke again, i waited.... see the pattern? Oh God, what am i saying?! I'm looking at all this and i know i really shouldn't say this, but am i mad to stay with him?? If i watched a friend go through all i have then i'd be so upset for them.

 

i feel like i've just gotten a clear view of things. They're not good.

 

How can i tell him this now - especially after lastnight's decision to try to make things work?!

 

Sorry about this long post..... i'm so messed up!

[MissKnowitall]

Honestly, I think you're making the best decision if you break up with him. Not because your family dislikes him or that he has financial woes...Hasn't paid his bills since January? It's almost August! This guy isn't ready to marry anytime soon and you've already waited eight years...Do you really want to wait another 3 for him to get his act together when there's no guarantee he will be ready then either?

 

You have a mess to clean up but its not the end of the world and be happy you're seeing things with clarity now. I wish you all the best.

[Shy_30]

I feel sick.

This is going to be horrible.

[iLiveWithMyMom]

Honestly, he seems like a really good guy. Definitely not someone anyone could fairly label a loser; he's just obviously having a tough time financially right now. The fact that he has goals and doesn't mooch off of you says a lot of good things about his character.

 

Having said that, I'd agree with MissKnowitall that 8 years is a loooooooooooong time. lol. Being a guy, I can tell you with almost certainty that he's waiting until he's more financially stable before popping the big question, and although this is noble on some levels, you're not getting any younger.

 

Also, the fact that he's 44 or so isn't doing him any favors either. I don't know if you plan to have children, but if you do, he'll be in his mid-60's by the time your first child goes to college. That's definitely something you have to consider. Also, since he's so much older than you, there's a very real possibility that you'll be alone in the later parts of your life, which is also something to consider.