A personal blog I wrote to give myself a wake-up call. Thought I'd share.

[TBE_1989]

I wrote the following piece for myself and never intended it to share it here. I wanted to write something to force myself into realising that my ex does not want me back and to stop myself from holding onto false hope. As I said, I intended it to be personal and private, locked away in a password protected document on my computer, but I've decided to share it here for a few reasons.

 

I want to post it online so every time I come to ENA or look at my bookmarks online I can snap out of hoping for reconciliation.

 

I want to help others who may be going through the same thing - reading into small things your ex does in the hope that it means that they want you back. It's tough reading, but - trust me- the pain of realising they don't want you back is a lot less severe than the pain of being strung along, hoping they want you back when they actually don't.

 

Some of what I've written may seem a bit disjointed as I wrote it strictly for myself so obviously I don't go into much background detail but I hope it's still helpful for those going through the same thing. I've copied and pasted it exactly from my word file, I've just replaced the people's names with stars.

This has been long overdue. The purpose of writing this is to finally break free and move on. Finally. After thirteen months.

 

I am not writing this for anyone else so there is no need to go into detail and explain how it began, etc, etc. What I will say – and what I need to constantly remind myself (and my close friends and family members) – is that it is very, very easy to twist a situation so that you only see one side of it. It is very easy – and understandable for a dumpee – to only see what you want to see post-breakup, despite vast amounts of evidence to the contrary.

It’s natural that I want him to want me back. He put me through hell. I lived – and to a certain extent STILL live – my life around him. He broke my heart. He decided he would be happier without having me as a girlfriend. It is only understandable that six, ten, thirteen months on, it would give my ego a massive boost and be a big ‘F YOU!’ to him, if he were to turn around and say, ‘*my name*, I’m sorry. I regret breaking up with you. I want you back as my girlfriend. I love you.’ This may sound a bit selfish as I’m not in love with him, but I know it’s natural. Someone tells you they don’t want you; you get happy when they realise they were wrong. It’s human. It’s natural. And I’m not going to apologise for it.

 

I’m not even going to say that I’m going to stop wishing that he wanted me back. If, in 50 years time, I find out that he regrets breaking up with me, I’ll still be delighted, however stupid or selfish that may be. The thing is to not expect this, to not play on it, to not talk, think, obsess, and fantasise about getting back together.

 

Have there been signs that he wants me back? Most definitely. Have the signs that he’s wanted me back outweighed the signs that indicate he doesn’t? NO. And that’s what I’ve realised. For every day spent texting me, there’s been a fortnight with no contact. For every flirtatious text sent in this past week, there was an ambivalent/narky/unreciprocated text this morning. For every complaint there is about ME not texting HIM back, there’s weeks that go by with him evidently being completely ok without hearing from me.

 

As I said, there have been signs. There’s been constant, long contact. There’s been flirting, there’s been compliments. There’s been him remembering X and y from our relationship. There’s been ‘dude you gotta come to this!’’ invitations. There’s been phone calls. There’s been online contact. There’s been hearing things from *mutual friend* about him saying I’m pretty. Blah, blah, blah.

 

However –THIS is what I’ve realised. Amidst all this, there’s been weeks of no texting. There’s been texts sent by me that haven’t been replied to. There’s been not looking at my MySpace. There’s been no REAL effort to see me, certainly not one-on-one. There’s been no formal, deep, or serious conversation. There’s been him saying he was out and not saying who with – date maybe?! There’s been him joking about porn and him going to fetish clubs.

 

In other words, there has been complete f-ing inconsistency.

 

Not only does this indicate that I shouldn’t get back with him, it also indicates that he has no real desire to get back with me either. If he wanted me back, the overwhelming chances are a) he’d have figured that out by now and have a plan about it, and b) I’d know about it. In other words, if he wanted me back, we’d be back together by now (if I agreed, lol). It’s very, very easy for me to twist all this crap into moulding some reconciliatory hope. It’s not made harder by the fact he’s so complicated, so neurotic, and so bad at showing his feelings. But I can’t take him having difficulty showing his feelings to assume that he wants me back and is just afraid to show it.

 

It’s easy to have an idea of how someone feels about you, and it’s easy to assume that this is set in stone. It’s so easy to interpret someone’s behaviour towards you as consistently mirroring the way you think they feel about you. Eg, I know *male friend* feels awkward around me at the moment. I am therefore prone to interpret 99% of his actions towards me as being based on this awkwardness, even if I am completely and utterly wrong. I’m pretty sure *college aquaintance* has a crush on me. I am therefore prone to interpret 99% of his actions towards me as being based on him liking me, even if I am completely and utterly wrong. If I think someone is angry at me, it’s so easy to see all their actions towards me as hostile, even if I’m wrong. If I think someone respects or disrespects me, it’s easy to see all their actions towards me as respectful/disrespectful. It’s natural.

 

If I think he wants to get back together with me, then it’s very easy for me to interpret every tiny little thing he does – even not contacting me!! – as being a manifestation of this longing for me and this sure regret that he has of breaking up with me. Harsh and horrible as it is to admit, he may not want me back. I have to realise this. Even if he misses me or regrets breaking up with me – IT’S STILL NOT THE SAME AS HIM WANTING TO GET BACK TOGETHER. There is a difference!! Mum thinks he wants me back, *friend* does, *other friend* does sometimes, but no one knows except him – and I sure don’t. To assume he wants me back is to ignore substantial evidence to the contrary. It’s also vital to remember that – rightly or wrongly - he speaks to all his female friends in this charming-type manner, and I’m sure a lot of his female friends have wondered the same things as I did at some point. Also, to say ‘’he texted me weekly two summers when he first got a crush on me and he’s doing the same thing now –OMGG!!’’ – ridiculous. People who want to get back together with their exes generally go about it in a different way than the way they pursued the ex in the first place. They seem similar, but organising a first date and talking about reconciliation are two very, very different things.

 

I have to move on, now. Go out with other guys, lose this weight, throw myself back into college, fall in love with my hobbies again, and put these past six month of love-hate, hope-loss and spiralling emotions due to a complicated, f-ed up ex, behind me. I also need to stop being so soft on him. I have to stop getting angry if someone criticises him. I don’t know why I’m so immune to being angry at him, but this could in itself be the problem. The guy broke my heart. Gently, but he still did it. He didn’t properly thank me when I put myself out there to help him through a rough time. Expensive (relatively – more than *two close friends* present...) bday present, no real thank you. I take an interest in his life and support him a year after he breaks up with me, and he takes this for granted, too.

 

Time to move on and see things for what they really are. You’ve been broken up for far longer than you were together. He doesn’t want you back. Deal with it.

[Elektro]

after reading the above there is only one thing i can say, this is what i have learnt from my former relationship and subsequent break up...

 

TALK IS CHEAP! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

 

simple as... all those texts he sends just satisfy that part of him that still wants to know you are in his life somewhat, even if just a little. You are satisfy this part by replying and not going NC! This part of him will probably fade even more if you carry on indulging his texts, especially if he finds someone else... show him what he's lost, back off!!

[TBE_1989]

Thanks Elektro, you're so right. He hasn't *done* ANYTHING to suggest he wants me back at all, he's just danced around it with flirtatious words! I'm so glad I've realised this.