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if you think your SO would NOT be a good parent..


thistime

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just a random thread to see if there are any others out there in a serious relationship, but-based on conversations about raising children, or how to deal with children- definitely believe your SO would be a bad parent?

 

My BF was raised to believe that Fathers should NOT show physical or verbal affection towards their sons-as that make them "weak". And the obvious scars have been left by that! Also he thinks children should be "seen and not heard" and that when a children asks "why?" it is being disobedient and questioning authority. He feels that children do NOT need explanations for decisions the parents make.

 

I have a 12 year old daughter, and come from a large family, ...he is the oldest of 3, and up until his nephew was born in November, has never really been around children. He has dated woman with children, and has said that b/c they were not his...he did not discipline them, but disagreed with the way they were being raised most often.

 

personally, I dont think he would be a good Father. I also believe that if he and I were to have a child together, that the child would be more "attached" to me, and my SO may resent that fact...especially if it were a son.

 

your thought....

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i KNOW my ex was a horrible father... absolutely horrible. He would tell you differently ... but he was horrible.

 

He would forget his kids birthdays- wouldn't return their calls.. would make promises he couldn't keep - he would be late with their support payments.

 

He would never see them... never call them.... never reach out to them.. yet when he did call which was every few months- he would tell them "i love you son" ... blah blah- and the kids are getting to an age where they know he isn't a good father.. but unfortunately, like all children they have a need to be loved and accepted by their father.

 

no he was not a good father to his children .. and it was always something that bothered me about him... and it was yet another thing i didn't like about him that i chose to ignore.

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I think my SO would make .. I won't say "bad"... but a different type of parent.. to the one I'd prefer he make.. in one particular area only. Academic and professional achievement. I'd think he'd push our kid to be an achiever, as recognised by society.. than push him/her to do what really made them happy.

 

Whereas I firmly believe they need to find a passion.. whether that be white collar or blue collar.. whether it be lucrative or just average pay. Whether it be glamerous or overlooked and understated.

 

Apart from that one fact (which I actually think is a major one) I think he'd make a fantastic dad.

 

He's a rational, sensible person though so I think this is something we can ultimately work on together.. without screwing up our kid(s).

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he stays out of the way I raise my daughter for the most part...prby b/c she really is a very good kid, and mature, so there is very little conflict. I just know that if he and I were to have child(ren) together that most situations would become an disagreement btwn the two of us, as I would feel he was being unreasonable or unfair, and I know that in order to raise children well the parents need a united front. I could not stand by, tho...and let my child be treated unfairly, or made to feel unloved.

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I think my boyfriend would be a good father but I'm a little scared about having girls. He is very overprotective of his sisters and he won't let them date anyone. He told me he doesn't want any girls because he doesn't want them to grow up and have annoying perverted guys hitting on them and trying to take them out. He said he would be overly cautious of where they go because he would be scared of them getting kidnapped. He doesn't let his sisters wear skirts above knees or show cleavage.

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If I ever want to have children, it goes without saying that I would want the absolute best for them. I don't care how much I "loved" the guy. If I thought he would be a bad father (distant, sexist, too strict, a drunk or whatever), no way. I wouldn't even entertain the thought of getting married to him. I would probably be so turned off by it I wouldn't even want to sleep with him.

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I have said some pretty hurtful things during discussions about raising children...like it's prby divine intervention that he has no children (he is 36) or that he shouldnt father children, as he wouldnt be good at it. I feel bad for saying those things...but honestly, thats how I feel.

He is a good man, but he just has not been raised by a good Father, so it doesnt know how to be a good parent.

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Saying that he doesn't know, because he wasn't raised by one is lie. My parents have their moments and strengths, but overall, they have been pretty lousy. That is a huge understatement. No amount of therapy is ever going to erase the damage they have done. Regardless, I do know how to treat people and children. People CAN go against how they were raised and there are plenty of examples. He is an adult now. His beliefs and his actions are a result of him buying into it.

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I wouldn't be with my boyfriend if I thought him to be a horrible father in the future.

 

Him being so great with kids is one of the reasons why I love him so much.

 

Also, my parents were pretty bad. Made a lot of mistakes. But, I turned out with a great sense of how to parent and treat children. I agree with SuzyQ that choice has a lot more to do with it than how you are brought up. Your boyfriend is choosing to have the stern, abusive father mindset when raising kids.

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Saying that he doesn't know, because he wasn't raised by one is lie. My parents have their moments and strengths, but overall, they have been pretty lousy. That is a huge understatement. No amount of therapy is ever going to erase the damage they have done. Regardless, I do know how to treat people and children. People CAN go against how they were raised and there are plenty of examples. He is an adult now. His beliefs and his actions are a result of him buying into it.

 

I agree.

 

There are enough books, other people, movies, tv shows, websites, whatever, to show people what proper conduct is.

 

My SO believes in hitting children for discipline. If someone ever slapped my kids I'd leave them. So i'm working hard at changing him.

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His beliefs and his actions are a result of him buying into it.

 

I fully agree with that. Part of me hopes that just maybe...when he actually expiriences the love and thrill of fatherhood, he would change...but that is a pretty big risk to take.

I just know I would NOT want my son raised that way...

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It is a hard pill to swallow, but I wouldn't count on him changing. Usually problems like these don't get better but only get amplified when the situation arises.

 

Case and point: many parents have similar beliefs to him. They also had children and experienced their version of a thrill. It didn't change them. It is wishful thinking to hope his case would be different. And, his beliefs sound well thought out... not wishy washy or with a "maybe" status.

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Just assume he won't change (since that is probably what is going to happen) and wouldn't risk having a child with him until you know he'll be a good dad.

 

Have you tried to get him to parenting classes? Do you have any relatives with children that you can have come and visit for a weekend?

 

Is HE up for learning proper parenting skills?

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Part of what I personally think makes a good father is a maturity about oneself. Y'know, taking responsibility for one's own issues and actions, being open to learning and getting a good outcome over trying to be 'right' all the time, being able to think of things from other's point of view and consider other people.

 

I mean, even before the baby arrives, it's not just about you anymore. Being willing to embrace that and take pride in that is important, I think, to being a good parent.

 

It's also a lot of the stuff that makes someone a good partner. So, they do intertwine for me - even though I don't have kids.

 

I wouldn't have a child with someone hoping he'd change along the way. I probably wouldn't even stick around to that.

 

It'd be brought up - look, I love you but this one particular issue with you concerns me and is a problem for me. Are you open to looking at it and maybe trying something else.

 

If you can - and you can - talk about it and sort it during the only considering starting a family together time, that's ideal. It's important stuff to know going in to making a decision one way or another of whether both are willing to be parents. And if you want to have another child or even have a hope for it - - it might also be something to consider on whether you stay in the relationship or not.

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to be perfectly honest...I seriously doubt we will ever have children, and I am OK with that. I like my only child, and feel I have done a very good job of parenting so far, and even tho her father and I are divorced, he is equally as good a parent. We have no issues with each other in that dept. The other reason I doubt my SO and I will have children is that I am already 38 1/2 years old, and he and I have dated almost 2 years, and he has not even said he loves me. in discussing the length of time he feels people should be together prior to marriage, his feelings are 3-5 years...putting me between 41-44 years old. I have told him that i would not have a child at that age, for several reasons. Sooo...honestly, he has, I think resolved himself to the fact that the possibility of having kids has passed him. And if he would chose to end the relationship with me, and find someone else (younger perhaps) to have a child with...then it really wouldnt be my problem anymore anyway.

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I dont think that there is one way to raise a child, I think that his is a very subjective issue. While I do not agree with his parenting style and theories, I do not think that such views will make him a bad parent. Children need to be loved, supported and taught the fundamentals of right and wrong from their parents. If a parent is providing all of those then I will not label them a bad parent instead I would believe that my parenting style is better suited to develop additional qualities that I believe children should be taught.

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