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Won't be crushed


metrogirl

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I read a lot of threads where a breakup has occurred and the OP states things like;

 

I can't live without them

 

They are my everything

 

Ok, that's fair enough as I assume different people love differently. So I am wrong if I know in my heart that I wouldn't feel like that if my relationship ended?

 

I feel almost indifferent when it comes to relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I of course would feel some degree of hurt if the relationship ended, I just don't see myself being obsessed with it.

 

Someone said to me, maybe you really don't love your boyfriend. Not true, I just don't see him as the center of my universe.

 

Are there others that feel this way? I feel kinda abnormal in a sense.

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Not abnormal, just pragmatic. Relationships can end. It happens, and life goes on.

 

Personally, while I fully intend to stay married to the end, I also know that I have no control over DH's choices, nor do I know what the future will bring. So I have always had a "plan B", meaning a clearly thought out plan of what I would do, and what my life would look life without him, whether he left me, or was taken from me.

 

It's the only way I can cope with the thought. But knowing that I can and would survive and be happy again prevents me from getting paranoid about the possibility that it could happen.

 

It how I deal with the unknown. So I too, have gotten to the point where I realize that if he left, or was taken, I'd be crushed, I'd grieve, my heart would break....Then I would pick myself up and carry on and build a different life.

 

I mean really, what else would there be to do? Waste the rest of my life crying about what I'd lost? Seems a horrible waste to me...

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i feel thats a more healthy way of viewing relationships - i think when we feel like our life would end without that person ... thats more of an addiction then it is love.

 

I believe now, that i was addicted to my fiance and not really in love with him.

 

something about him triggered things in me that i'm trying to fulfill in myself- and thats not love.

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I recently have had my heart smashed to pieces and actually find this post quite offensive! Good for you if that's how you feel..but I AM one of these people you talk of.

 

I have felt so low at times i feel i don't want to go on! A huge part of my life has crumbled and on top of that ive lost my father & nana to cancer! Im not sure what this post is actually to achieve apart from a 'ooo well done you and a pat on the back' !!

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You said it better that I ever could. My theory is that nothing is forever. Why attach myself to something that I may not have tomorrow and then suffer as a result because I no longer have it?

 

I hope that doesn't sound callous because that's not what I'm aiming for. I'm just realistic. Yes I love him, he's special to me in my own personal way but I can't see myself being grief stricken and unable to go on with life if we were no longer together.

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I recently have had my heart smashed to pieces and actually find this post quite offensive! Good for you if that's how you feel..but I AM one of these ''abnormal'' people you talk of.

 

I have felt so low at times i feel i don't want to go on! A huge part of my life has crumbled and on top of that ive lost my father & nana to cancer! Im not sure what this post is actually to achieve apart from a 'ooo well done you and a pat on the back' !!

 

The OP didn't say you were 'abnormal'. On the contrary, she was asking if SHE was abnormal for not thinking she would feel exactly as you do.

 

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that I'd just shrug it off and say "oh well". What I am saying is that I have to envision myself healing and moving on and finding happiness again, so I am not terrified of a potential outcome I would have no control over.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. You're in the right place for support. You just misinterpreted the OP's point. No one is slagging you or anyone else who is struggling with having their heart "smashed"

 

We're just saying we don't choose to live in fear of the moment you currently find yourself in. You WILL heal, and you WILL move on in time. We choose to focus on that moment, rather than this one.

 

But of course it's painful to you right now. Have you thought about what's next?

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You said it better that I ever could. My theory is that nothing is forever. Why attach myself to something that I may not have tomorrow and then suffer as a result because I no longer have it?

 

I hope that doesn't sound callous because that's not what I'm aiming for. I'm just realistic. Yes I love him, he's special to me in my own personal way but I can't see myself being grief stricken and unable to go on with life if we were no longer together.

 

If you really feel that way, you're not abnormal. You just have a wall up. Lots of people do in order to protect themselves from future pain. Unfortunately, being that way will eventually end up hurting your relationship.

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I recently have had my heart smashed to pieces and actually find this post quite offensive! Good for you if that's how you feel..but I AM one of these people you talk of.

 

I have felt so low at times i feel i don't want to go on! A huge part of my life has crumbled and on top of that ive lost my father & nana to cancer! Im not sure what this post is actually to achieve apart from a 'ooo well done you and a pat on the back' !!

 

Listen, i have had my heart crushed to pieces 1 week ago- so i understand pain.. i'm in it...

 

I always felt that if things didn't work out with me and my ex that i wouldn't survive.. and here i am .. a week later still standing.

 

I think what metrogirl is saying is that we feel like our lives would be over if our SO were to leave us or the relationship would end.

 

What she is saying ... is NOT that it wouldn't hurt - but what she is saying is that she is secure in herself to know that if her SO were to leave her or something were to happen to the relationship she doesn't feel like her life is over.

 

to me thats a sign of a healthy relationship- and for someone to feel like their world would end along with the relationship is unhealthy.

 

i dont think she mocking anyones pain- i dont think she is saying she is better then anyone- i think what she is giving is another perspective.

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Sorry maybe im just highly strung at the moment. But the first 2 weeks of being dumped I was tormented horribly...The hurt mainly comes from thinking that only the day before he dumped me he was still saying how much he loved me..and now appears to be full of the joys! While i have been in the depths of despair!

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I read a lot of threads where a breakup has occurred and the OP states things like;

 

I can't live without them

 

They are my everything

 

Ok, that's fair enough as I assume different people love differently. So I am wrong if I know in my heart that I wouldn't feel like that if my relationship ended?

 

I feel almost indifferent when it comes to relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I of course would feel some degree of hurt if the relationship ended, I just don't see myself being obsessed with it.

 

Someone said to me, maybe you really don't love your boyfriend. Not true, I just don't see him as the center of my universe.

Absolutely not! You are very independent kind of person who doesn't need to rely on a man to make you happy. This is a VERY good thing!

 

The way I see things (which has helped) is that beginning and breaking relationships are a learning experience. We grow from our mistakes and move on to either become a better person or find something we are more compatible with.

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If you really feel that way, you're not abnormal. You just have a wall up. Lots of people do in order to protect themselves from future pain. Unfortunately, being that way will eventually end up hurting your relationship.

 

I don't agree. I have a very happy, fulfilling relationship that's over 20 years old. I just realize that I cannot control him, his choices or whatever fate has in store, and I recognize that my happiness is my responsibility, not his. So if he leaves, or is taken from me, it is up to ME to find happiness again, and I have confidence in my ability to do so.

 

It doesn't mean I haven't let him in, it doesn't mean my heart can't be broken. It simply means that I believe that whatever torment anyone or anything (including the loss of the man I love truly, madly, deeply) can throw at me, I can survive, recover and rebuild my own happiness

 

I will not be destroyed by anyone. My children and I deserve nothing less.

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I recently have had my heart smashed to pieces and actually find this post quite offensive! Good for you if that's how you feel..but I AM one of these people you talk of.

 

I have felt so low at times i feel i don't want to go on! A huge part of my life has crumbled and on top of that ive lost my father & nana to cancer! Im not sure what this post is actually to achieve apart from a 'ooo well done you and a pat on the back' !!

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. Having gone through a big breakup with someone I loved deeply, I can understand your pain.

 

Please don't think that I am mocking you or anyone else for that matter nor am I seeking affirmation or atta boy's. I just don't want to ever find myself in that position where I feel that I am going to die without them.

 

Another poster said it perfectly, I have put up this wall around my heart that will probably never come down.

 

I'm comfortable enough in my relationship at the moment but given our past history maybe I feel strongly about this because another breakup could show it's ugly head.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. That is not my intention of this post.

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To an extent we "choose" how much any significant event influences our lives. This can be both with positive events and negative ones. Also in each case, a person can be locked in time... obsessed with the event. Having lost someone (my wife died of cancer 3 years ago) I can tell you that first hand that I could have easily chosen to stay locked in time. I could have sworn off dating ever again, and been jaded the rest of my life. But at the end of the day I've chosen not to be defined by that event. I've chosen to move forward and trudge ahead, to open myself up to love again. I couldn't imagine being locked in time at my age (34) just because I experienced a horrible hardship in my life. I don't feel like moving on has in any way diminished my love for my late wife... we were torn from each other with our love intact. But I also don't feel like it would be fair to myself to just stop that part of my life because she is gone. The fact of the matter is that I learned more from that experience in my life than any other. And the experience has only made me stronger and wiser. While I still make mistakes in the people I date, I make far fewer of them. My sense of what love is about is far more defined than it used to be. While some women (and some have) view me as "damaged goods" I see just the opposite... I feel I have a lot MORE to offer my next partner. At the end of the day one never knows how they are going to react to a situation until they are there in that situation. But no other person can be the center of your universe... you are the center.

 

OP, your feeling of indifference to loss are not "wrong" in any way. While they may not be accurate (again you'd have to experience the event) they are not wrong. You're not a cold or unloving person because of the way you feel. In fact, I would say your view is a healthy one.

 

-Kevin

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