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A pattern emerging?


Ammy

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Okay guys, you have all heard the woes of my dating history... but I have realised now it's not meeting the guys that I am having difficulty with.. I am continuously meeting a string of guys who are interested... but these guys are either:

 

a) too shy to ever do ANYTHING... ie. they contact me, stay in touch, but won't proceed to a proper date (this is both internet and in person people I know).

 

b) tell me how great I am, put me on this pedastal.. saying I'm smart, sweet, gorgeous etc etc... feed my ego NO end... and then within a day, without any precursor or trigger, say they're not ready to date me?

 

Now the thing is, this is not a one off occurrence anymore.. it's almost like I'm wearing a magnet that attracts them, but when they get close there's this repellant.. their own fear? I've thought and thought about what I'm doing to change their feelings for me... but in all cases where this has happened, I have no changed, acted differently etc... and yet one guy after another seems to snap from TOTALLY into me to bye bye in a matter of a day.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining this right... but hope you catch my drift.

 

I'm wondering a few things.. guys, what could be the possible explanations for this?

 

Also, are guys REALLY that intimidated by a smart girl? Intimidated enough to not pursue her even though she is caring, equally responsive to them and compliments them as much as they do her?

 

Finally... would you guys ever pass up the opportunity to be with the

"perfect" girl just because you had been in relationships for a long time and wanted a break and some "alone time"? I recently got told by a guy that he has huge feelings for me... but he's just not in that stage of his life right now that he can give what he should to a relationship... he says he is confused and likes m so much (can't stop thinking about me), but feels he needs more time on his own before committing.. to me this is rubbish.. if you meet the person of your dreams, no matter what is going on in your life (bar serious illness/injury to yourself or loved ones), you pursue it and at least give it a chance.. and certainly don't let it slip away??

 

Ammy

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don't worry, i've met a lot of flaky girls lately. some are just looking for fun, some just aren't ready to be serious, some are scared, etc. so many reasons. just have to keep looking. but you do have a lot of posts about your woes, so i'm thinking you might be coming off a little desperate and clingy. guys HATE that.

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You just haven't met the right guy. That's why.

The excuses are just excuses and it's pointless analysing them. They are basically a nice way of saying no thanks.

 

At least you are putting yourself out there to meet people. As Ghost says, maybe you are coming accross as desperate and perhaps you should slow down with the dating stuff.

 

Stop comparing yourself to others; we never measure up and it's just putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

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I don't read desperation OP, what I read is that it seems you are waiting for HIM to make the first move, take the next step, etc. Where does it say that you can't ask a guy out?

 

It's ironic because you mention on point 'a' that these suitors of yours won't "proceed to a proper date." Then at the very end you criticize someone for not pursuing love and giving it a chance and not slipping away, etc.

 

So again, I have to wonder why YOU aren't making the next move.

 

-Kevin

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For whatever reason, both men and women tend to seek relationships where both feel the guy is taller, bigger, older, more successful... and smarter. One woman said to me she felt she was near the top of the pyramid, looking up at a tiny pool of men, all of whom were looking down the pyramid, looking at a much larger pool of women.

 

Some of the men you're dating probably belong to this group. Whatever they may say, they don't date you and instead go off looking for a woman who is, to be blunt, less intelligent or otherwise competent than themselves.

 

There are guys who genuinely do appreciate intelligent women, but their own intelligence has isolated them, and they've been pretty badly damaged socially. I didn't get past my own emotional damage from being sneered at as a "nerd" until my 20's. I know I blew at least one opportunity in college because I simply did not follow up. Some guys may take longer than that, depending on their own level of self-confidence.

 

As for needing to be alone, I've never been in that position personally, but I've known people who have. It's not rubbish if you've got a dependent personality type, the kind of person who goes from relationship directly to relationship without ever living on their own.

 

Usually, when you see a pattern in your relationships, it's you. You are the one thing all your relationships have in common. Thinking about what you've said, it may be that you're attracted to men who lack self-confidence. The guy who needs "alone time" is someone who has always shaped himself to fit his relationships, and needs some time to define what he wants without a woman's influence. Which is again, a guy who has self-confidence and self-image issues.

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Usually, when you see a pattern in your relationships, it's you. You are the one thing all your relationships have in common. Thinking about what you've said, it may be that you're attracted to men who lack self-confidence. The guy who needs "alone time" is someone who has always shaped himself to fit his relationships, and needs some time to define what he wants without a woman's influence. Which is again, a guy who has self-confidence and self-image issues.

 

 

 

 

I once went to a therapist to find out why I kept attracting, and being attracted to, emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic men. I expected advice along the lines of - if you do this, they do this or if they do this, you do this and this is how you feel better.

 

Fortunately this therapist was very good, and she said that she makes it a point to not talk to people about these types of relationships. And I asked why - and she said that more often than not, the people we attract and are attracted to are a reflection of ourselves, so if there is a pattern emerging, its a pattern is about you, not other people, and when you correct your own pattern, relationship problems often tend to go away.

 

I'm not going to analyze what is going on with you, but I will give myself as an example - like I said, I have a real history of meeting and falling for very emotionally unavailable men. When we started talking, the therapist pointed out that I have a very strained and superficial relationship with my parents - I never have more than very basic conversations with them and don't really let them into my life. On top of that, they were never around when I was growing up, so I've learned to be very independent and now that they have more leisure time and are trying to become more involved in my life, I am very resentful of them and whenever we fight I always blurt out - oh, so now you care. The therapist made me realize that my whole relationship with all of my family is based on me being emotionally unavailable to them and them pursuing me while I only give them enough to keep peace in the family, instead of having a real and open relationship.

 

So is it any wonder having spent so many years in this type of dynamic that I was ending up in similar relationships with others - in types of relationships that was almost mimicking my family dynamic, what I knew best? It wasn't until I became aware of these patterns in myself and how unattractive and unhealthy they are that I stopped finding them attractive in other people, and since I was less responsive to them, I've stopped meeting the unavailable guys, and interestingly enough, started meeting guys who have really good and healthy relationships with their parents.

 

After having read some of your posts, I think you are too focusing dating and relationships - which is very very superficial, b/c if the same thing is happening over and over again for an extended period of time, I think that you have to take a much closer look at yourself, your closest relationships, and maybe even your childhood, and fixing dating issues should be the last thing on your mind. I mean - I would have never thought that talking about my parents would help me in terms of finding a bf, but it ended up being more helpful than all the dating and relationship advice I had in the past.

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Finally... would you guys ever pass up the opportunity to be with the

"perfect" girl just because you had been in relationships for a long time and wanted a break and some "alone time"? I recently got told by a guy that he has huge feelings for me... but he's just not in that stage of his life right now that he can give what he should to a relationship... he says he is confused and likes m so much (can't stop thinking about me), but feels he needs more time on his own before committing.. to me this is rubbish.. if you meet the person of your dreams, no matter what is going on in your life (bar serious illness/injury to yourself or loved ones), you pursue it and at least give it a chance.. and certainly don't let it slip away??

 

Ammy

 

This one is a tough one and I'd have to say yes. It has taken me over two years to get to the point to where I feel I'm ready for another relationship and can commit myself totally to it. Even with the support of someone great, I'm not sure I could have allowed myself to enter into something I had deep rooted doubts on my ability to contribute fully. And with those doubts present, it wouldn't be fair at all for my significant other.

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like I said, I have a real history of meeting and falling for very emotionally unavailable men.

 

This came up in a relationship seminar I attended. The discussion there went in a somewhat similar direction, but not quite the same.

 

The reasoning there was that we often pattern our romantic relationships after our relationships with our parents. For example, if your father is gruff and abusive, you come to associate that with love, since (presumably) our parents love us. If you then encounter a guy who is not gruff and abusive, subconsciously you reject him because he doesn't match your father, and thus doesn't "really" love you.

 

The two common patterns here being women who repeatedly seek out men who are emotionally unavailable, or worse violent.

 

Yours sounds like a more complex issue, but still illustrates a point - knowing yourself and your patterns can help your relationships, because it will help you stop letting your subconscious choose unsuitable dates.

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Ammy - I think the problem is with the pond you're fishing in (online).

 

Though you can find someone of value online, I think the vast majority are phonies, married, just looking to play online, etc.

 

I don't think it's so much you, but the men you are meeting.

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Thanks so much for all the posts and responses.. As always I appreciate each and every one of them!

 

I definitely think this pattern has to do with me AND more so the people I am finding myself attracted to... and how quickly I am letting my emotions take control. Been trying to engage in some self-analysis to really figure it out... and each experience makes me think more and more about it.

 

To address a few of the issues raised. The funny thing is my family dynamic is amazing. Had 2 loving parents (my dad is now passed away), in a loving, committed relationship. Very close to my whole family. Love close emotional ties - the sort of family where we share pretty much everything with each other and are not afraid to show emotion.

 

I have great friends.. very few issues socially. I used to be very shy, but over the past 5 or so years have really come out of my shell and as such am often the social butterfly - with a few very close emotional bonds (best friends) and a circle of people I get on well with. I am the social coordinator at uni, and have no difficulty engaging with people.

 

It's just MEN! I can't explain it... I seem to attract the wrong types - the emotional types. Perhaps because I crave strong emotional connections, I go for these guys who are up and down emotionally.. Into me one minute, not into me the next without any rhyme or reason. I get sucked in by their words that appeal to my emotions... and bang... it's over... I wish I could just meet a genuine, nice guy. I agree wholeheartedly Ariel, it's the fact that the majority of men online are insecure and have issues... Definitely time to try another avenue again.

 

I also find many men are intimidated by my smartness... but seriously... I am not going to dumb myself down (as one guy told me that I should do in order to get a guy). I see plenty of smart girls with boyfriends... I am not so uber smart that I'm intimidating EVERYONE! I'm not Einstein for god's sake.

 

Arghhh I don't even know the point of what I' msaying anymore.. LOL...

 

I don't want to have to give up, because if I do that's depressing.. but feeling the highs and lows I have had over the past year is equally bad...

 

I don't know what else to do but keep trying and keep hoping that one day I will meet a genuine guy who likes me the way I am.. for more than 2 weeks!

 

Ammy

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Online dating is very superficial and encourages a shopping list approach to dating. Real life isn't like that, no-one is perfect. No doubt you filter out men that you're not interested in based on their profile as they do to you.

 

If like me, you haven't had much experience of dating, the reality isn't like the movies or in books. Maybe you need to try different types of men. Be open to those who aren't what you perceive as your type of man.

 

Why not look out for someone that shares similar interests to you. That way you've got something in common and things develop more naturally. Rather than must have higher degree, own car, own home etc which are material things not about personality and chemistry with someone. I think the issue is lack of chemistry between you and these men, you each meet the criteria on paper but nothing clicks between you.

 

Just keeping trying!

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Hmm... I get what you're saying.. and yes I screen men. But it's not based on material things and superficial things as such. I will not lie and say some degree (not a huge degree) of attractiveness (to me is important) and some degree of intellect.. I don't think that this is asking above and beyond though, as I am only asking for things that I have to offer myself.

 

There are many who fall by the wayside because there is no chemistry.. Just hi, how are you... and that's it... we have nothing to work with... But the ones who have been dating me and hurting me.. are the ones who tell me I'm the most interesting girl on the site, I crack them up.. and honestly.. we spend ages chatting, it flows, there is chemsitry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I will never meet someone just based on a profile and superificial things, they have to engage me in their emails/chat... and have to be interested and interesting.. I feel the issue is the emotionality of both parties - sometimes perhaps we're too alike, we get too wrapped up too quickly... and that leads to disaster? I also think I'm scaring men away.. they like me, want to get close, but when they do, they realise it's difficult? Not because I'm difficult, but becauise I match their intensity, and that is overwhleming? Who knows?

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But the ones who have been dating me and hurting me.. are the ones who tell me I'm the most interesting girl on the site

 

That's just flattery. They're still comparing you.

 

 

we spend ages chatting, it flows, there is chemsitry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I will never meet someone just based on a profile and superificial things, they have to engage me in their emails/chat... and have to be interested and interesting..

 

Maybe that's the problem, you're taking it much more seriously and assuming that a nice friendly chat means something more. I don't see how realistically, after 1 meeting, you're scaring people away. If someone wants to get close they will.

 

I think they, and you are making excuses. I tried online dating briefly and it didn't really work and I made all sorts of excuses (I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, I have a disability, I'm too clever) then I met someone (not online) whom I've been dating the last 18 months and none of that matters. Equally he wouldn't have met a strict set of criteria I used for online dating.

 

What you're doing isn't working so maybe try something different.

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