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How to deal with loss of attraction and falling out of love?


Jm2056

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I realize this is one of the worst cases to deal with when trying to get back together besides abuse and cheating. My question is what are the best things to do from now on?

 

I've decided moving on and time are my best options at the moment. I figured I'd date around for a few months and if I still feel like I want to be with her I'd test the waters.

 

Yes? No?

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I think you have a lot of people in similar situations to you. My ex told me that was her reasons, but looking back, I think there was more. Ask yourself questions as to why she fell out of love, because it may help you in future relationships. Did you relax on your physical appearance? Did you start to change your personality for the relationship? Are you the same person you were before you dated? What changed? Did you become dependent on your relationship? Then as most people advocate, don't talk to your ex (NC) for a long period. Work on yourself with physical activity and try to work on your emotions. Finally, I'd recommend not focusing on getting back together while you heal.

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We stopped having sex in the few months leading to the break up. i was still attracted to her but somewhere along the line she lost attraction. We saw each other at weekends, so wasnt as easy to notice the problem. sometimes it was hangovers,time of the month, we were up early to do things,out late drinking..etc easy to see it now but at the time not as easy. plus she had external stress going on. it was always something i though would return once things outside the relationship got sorted out.

 

Then came her distancing herself,going out with friends more and less time withme. staying over less often. We had a lot of things going on outside the relationship which made things less clear. plus she was still talking about buying a house together even though we had no sex for while. all mixed signals. then she started to nitpick at little things that were never a problem before.

 

Anyway eventually she split up with me, she said she wasnt attracted to me anymore amongst other things.said we didnt have much in common(after 3 years) i guess womens attraction to a man is emotional. with men i think its more physical attraction.

 

But next time i know what to watch out for and nip things in the bud far sooner. dont let things drag on

 

I believe once that attraction is gone it never comes back.

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I think you have a lot of people in similar situations to you. My ex told me that was her reasons, but looking back, I think there was more. Ask yourself questions as to why she fell out of love, because it may help you in future relationships. Did you relax on your physical appearance? Did you start to change your personality for the relationship? Are you the same person you were before you dated? What changed? Did you become dependent on your relationship? Then as most people advocate, don't talk to your ex (NC) for a long period. Work on yourself with physical activity and try to work on your emotions. Finally, I'd recommend not focusing on getting back together while you heal.

 

It's been 2 months and I've healed. I want her back, but I won't make any effort. I don't need anymore NC. I was just wondering what is the best approach to rekindling something. Do I just be myself when I see her and see if she likes the new me or should I invite her for coffee and start rebuilding our friendship? I guess I'm just wondering if putting in effort to open communication is the best or just let the communication happen on its own.

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Anyway eventually she split up with me, she said she wasnt attracted to me anymore amongst other things.said we didnt have much in common(after 3 years) i guess womens attraction to a man is emotional. with men i think its more physical attraction.

 

But next time i know what to watch out for and nip things in the bud far sooner. dont let things drag on

 

I believe once that attraction is gone it never comes back.

It is definitely hard to see signs. Too be honest, I didn't see any signs near the end of my relationship, but had seen some many months before, which was when I actually thought about ending it (long story). Looking back, I still don't see any signs. In future relationships, I recommend trying to keep the excitement once and awhile rather than waiting for signs of failure. With girls, the signs seem to mean it's too late.

 

My ex also gave the excuse that we didn't have much in common. I'm sure it is total BS in both of our cases, as you probably have something in common after 3 years of being together (4-1/2 in my case). Yes, women's attraction to men is emotional... no question.

 

I don't believe that the end of attraction is a permanent end. In my case, there was a lot of things I did psychologically that caused the end of emotional attraction. Again, long story. Anyhow, I am pretty sure that if my ex met me now, a lot of the things she wasn't attracted to are gone or almost gone. I could personally see it coming back. Unfortunately, our relationship was a LDR, so that whole process is unlikely. However, I point this out because your ex lost attraction because of reasons. Figure those out if you are still interested in reconciling. If not, figure them out anyway because it could save a future relationship.

 

 

It's been 2 months and I've healed. I want her back, but I won't make any effort. I don't need anymore NC. I was just wondering what is the best approach to rekindling something. Do I just be myself when I see her and see if she likes the new me or should I invite her for coffee and start rebuilding our friendship? I guess I'm just wondering if putting in effort to open communication is the best or just let the communication happen on its own.

2 months is not a long time. It isn't long enough for her to think of you in a new light, not to mention that is a pretty quick healing time. If someone falls out of love with you, I think you have to give it time for them to "forget" about falling out of love with you. I think you should give it more time and see if she makes contact and then maybe you can slowly rekindle. If that doesn't happen, you may want to try building a friendship after AT LEAST a few more months of NC. My personal opinion is that this is the only way to get their feelings back if they had fallen out of love, because they have to see a different you. I know a lot of people oppose the friendship option, but I think these circumstances may call for it. Just don't let it happen to soon. Solidify changes in yourself. Make sure your outward appearance is a little different. Otherwise, she may think of you as she did at the end of the relationship. These things take time... more than 2 months. Patience is the key ingredient to getting back together.

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I don't want her back right now. I realize that time is the best thing right now and reconciling too soon means less chance of success. I guess you're saying its ok if I inititate communication as long as its a few more months away?

 

As far as fast healing, I think I'm right on track for healthy healing. I heard its 2 weeks for every 6 months you were together so 2 months is right on track for my 2 year relationship.

 

Also, do I go ahead and date others while we rebuild things? Can that hurt the process in anyway? If we did reconcile I would expect it to be about 6 months from now. That's a long time to wait on something that could never happen.

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2 weeks for every 6 months? I don't know where you heard that dude but for a lot of people it takes a lot longer than that.

 

I dated my ex for a year and I don't think I was over her until about 6 months after the break up...I enacted a long period of NC during this time and experienced a lot of personal growth. The guy that my ex will see tomorrow is totally different than the guy she broke up with, and I wouldn't be surprised if the attraction builds in a hurry.

 

The point is that your ex needs some significant time apart from you in order for there to be a chance at reconciliation. I made the mistake of being in contact with my ex 2 months after the breakup, during which time she started dating someone else. That's when I disappeared.

 

6 months of NC has a way of building interest again. She has experienced a new relationship and I bet she is very curious about me again. Curiosity builds attraction; and attraction is the first step.

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Originally Posted by Jm2056

I heard its 2 weeks for every 6 months you were together so 2 months is right on track for my 2 year relationship.

 

Dude! Thats so wishful. I don't know where you heard that. I would say more like a week for every month you have known here. At the least. Sometimes even more. If they come back before that period, I have heard stories where even though a reconciliation takes place, its usually on shaky grounds. It only falls apart again later.

 

Once a breakup happens, the process of healing/reconciling is going to be a long drawn and painful one. There is no escaping that. All of us want to get back together with our exes within like a week, after the breakup happens. Which leads us to doing stupid things like begging, pleading, promising unreal things. However, if you get real and understand that now that the damage has happened, the repair process will take its own course and time, a lot of mistakes can be avoided.

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My ex also gave the excuse that we didn't have much in common. I'm sure it is total BS in both of our cases, as you probably have something in common after 3 years of being together (4-1/2 in my case). Yes, women's attraction to men is emotional... no question.

 

I guess if they don't have the interest in the relationship anymore they then switch off and don't put their energy into it. its frustrating that by the time things come up its too late, why can't people bring up concerns early on? I think when someone starts to distance themselves it is the beginning of the end and them protecting their emotions when they are ready to break up. they are left high and dry ready to get back out there while the dumpee is left in shock and got to pick up the pieces and rebuild

 

not sure how long it takes to get over someone? probably varies. does it get harder the older you get because you were wanting to settle down and less choice out there? when you are younger there are a lot more choice

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