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Is he in it for financial gain?


catalina

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Hello All,

 

My younger sister Casselia is 25 and with limited dating experience. She has focused on school most of her life and is extremely intelligent. She graduated from law school a little over a year ago and was fortunate to find get hired at one of her professor's law firms and was made a partner about six months later. For her age, she makes a substantial amount of money. Her boyfriend, David, of about five months is a social worker and does not make much money. Casselia probably makes twice as much money as he does. Now, Casselia is aware of this... she said that David will jokingl complain about his income but always does pay for her meals when they go out, opens doors for her, initiates dates, etc. She said that since they do things multiple times per week she tries to compensate by picking up a tab or making him dinner, etc once or twice a week. Or, if she invites him to something she'll pay for the tickets, etc. Anyway, they seem to click well. I have hung out with them and have never seen him mistreat her. She really loves him, he has said and seems to show he loves her.

 

My mom, however, put some doubt in our heads because she had a friend who was a professor who made a good amount of money and ended up marrying a guy who made about half her salary and he ended up using her for her money. My mom has no reason to think this of Casselia and David's situation, but she just doesn't want Casselia to get hurt. She is worried because Casselia, although fairly confident because of her academic achievements, is a bit overweight and David is quite good looking and Casselia lacks dating experience. Mom likes David, but she just doesn't want us to be all missing something and having Casselia end up hurt.

 

Is there anyway for us to be able to tell this? Any red flags/warning signs, etc? Casselia and David have apparently discussed marriage... not soon, but maybe an engagement within a year. I like David a lot and thinks he fits well with Casselia.... I haven't noticed anything, but Mom's questioning has given me an ounce of doubt.

 

Any tips? Advice? Mom has only met him a handful of times, versus I see him about once a week since Casselia and I are very close.

 

Any input is appreciated!

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It sounds like your mom doesn't have a lot of faith in your sister. Maybe David isn't judging her on looks, or maybe he really love the way she look, or maybe they can talk for hours and have amazing sex.

 

He is doing okay on his own right? He takes her out? Hasn't asked to borrow money?

 

Be happy for your sister, don't worry so much.

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If he really does have unfortunate motives, and if he's patient, there isn't really any way to immediately tell. But if she hits him up with a prenup and he doesn't like it, that would be a good sign that something foul is afoot.

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Rosephase-- I agree. I want to just be happy and not worry! But Mom put doubt in my head!!!

 

InBruges -- My family's religion prohibits prenups so that won't be an option. Any other way to tell?

 

Hmm... nothing conventional that I can think of. Now, if she wants to go the route of medieval chivalry and ask him to complete some task that requires him to risk his life, then chances are he won't do it if his motives are off (you know, swim the English Channel or something to that effect).

 

Other than that, it's a risk. No way to tell.

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she said that David will jokingl complain about his income but always does pay for her meals when they go out, opens doors for her, initiates dates, etc. She said that since they do things multiple times per week she tries to compensate by picking up a tab or making him dinner, etc once or twice a week. Or, if she invites him to something she'll pay for the tickets, etc. Anyway, they seem to click well.

If he plans on taking advantage of her financially he must have a long-term plan to do it - and is making an investment now for the future.

 

I doubt that he would be that calculating.

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Is it a bad thing that he lets her pay for his stuff occassionally? Or just a part of a normal healthy relationship?

It isn't bad at all - it would be bad if she didn't. How could she take advantage of him financially like that with a clear conscience? She should be paying equally and if she isn't then she is taking advantage of him.

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My mom has no reason to think this of Casselia and David's situation, but she just doesn't want Casselia to get hurt. She is worried because Casselia, although fairly confident because of her academic achievements, is a bit overweight and David is quite good looking and Casselia lacks dating experience.

 

Perhaps your mother shouldn't be so quick to make stereotyped judgements based on appearances and lack of dating experience. There are many very experienced people AND/OR thin people who have been taken in by someone looking for money. I think your sister can take care of herself and knows what kind of relationship she has with her boyfriend.

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The fact that he chose a helping professions, social work, as a career would make me think he is not all that motivated by money or he would have chosen something different. in fact, he might be someone of good character who wants to help other people rather than take advantage of him.

 

Most of the 'gold diggers' of either sex i've known tend to not put any emphasis at all on work, because they are looking for someone else to support them. So they may be in professions one just drifts into (i.e., sales, personal shopper, etc.) rather than a career that requires a lot of education.

 

Regardless of his own looks, if he is a person of depth, he may go for someone whom he likes and admires vs. a hottie type, so i don't hold that against him either.

 

And if your sister has a high powered career, perhaps he is the perfect person to complement her, since his career won't conflict with hers, and he might put more effort into the kids etc. if he has a helper type personality.

 

And frankly if she is happy and they seem compatible, i doubt he is 'using' her, anymore than she is using him. I'd just stay out of it unless you hear he's cheating with someone or a crook, which it doesn't sound like he is.

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Being in a relationship is a risk no matter what the circumstances are. That is why dating is an exploratory stage in relationships and when loving trust has been established couples will then choose to take it to another level.

 

Your mother is basing her opinion on somebody else's misfortune and not by red flags set off by your sister's man. All you can do is be supportive and not poison your sister's head with your mother's nonsense. And that is exactly what it is; Nonsense. Until this guy actually starts asking your sister to pay his bills and for handouts just be happy your sister found a nice man that cares about her for who she is.

 

What is wrong with a woman making more money than a man? Of course it is natural for a mother to want her daughter to "date up" as far as financial and social status is concerned, but what should be important is that this man loves and respects your sister. From your post I can tell that there are no red flags at this time and you have nothing to worry about.

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Mom is throwing a wet blanket on her daughter's happiness for no apparent reason. I could understand if the guy was a slacker, but social work is a reasonable profession and it took a lot of hard work for him to get there.

 

Your sister is being ethical and kind by offsetting the dating expenses, and he is being reasonable in allowing her to do so. In this day and age, it's far more common for women to share even more expense than this--so it sounds as though they've found a balance that works for them. That's what counts.

 

Glad to hear that you like the BF, and I hope you'll curb your Mom. No relationship is without risk, and it would be a shame to feed the kind of doubts that could fester and cause harm. Dating is tough enough without sabotage from family. Glad she's got you in her corner.

 

My best,

Cat

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But, Catalina, is there any reason for your mother to think that David is using your sister except for this bizare application of inductive reasoning: I know a poorer man who used my richer female friend for money, so because David has less money than my daughter, he must be using her too.

 

I mean, apart from that reasoning .. is there anything else at all that makes your mum question David?

 

To be honest, intuitively, and drawing on my own issues with my parents (who thought I was unattractive all my life because my skin is darker than they would prefer) it sounds like your mum secretly is disappointed in her daughter's weight and finds it hard to believe men would not think the same.

 

I hope that's not the case. I certainly don't think you can go to your sister with this without any probative evidence of David using her. You'll just cause her to be weary of you both in the future and hurt by your interference with her happiness & relationship. And your questioning her judgment and intelligence.

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The red flag in your post is your mother's concern with your sister's weight. Or rather that she is using her weight as a reason for her possible failure, when nothing is promising it.

 

If I were your sister I would be hurt because Mom's speculations are nothing but lack of trust and love. I am sorry to say so, but that how I see it. People tend to think what they want. In my opinion if she adores her daughter, it is hard to understand how other people could not! And she seems not to be able to accept that someone might actually love her. It is sad.

 

I hope that her ideas/(hopes) will not spoil your sister's spirit. That would be a shame.

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It sounds good to me *shrugs*. Maybe it's because I like to see the best in people but it doesn't sound like there's much wrong. They sound very happy and both seem to pay for things, doesn't sound like he's using her just because she earns more than he does.

 

I've only scanned through the replies but I agree with whoever said it doesn't sound like your mum has much faith in your sister. Maybe he doesn't see that she's slightly over weight, doesn't think all that much about her earning more than him and just loves her for who she is. Your mum should be really happy about that. I'm probably in the same situation as David, I'm pretty much unemployed at the moment, doing some part time work and am struggling a bit, living with my parents etc. But my boyfriend is a doctor, obviously earns a lot more than me, is pretty stable at the moment, has his own house etc. etc. Sometimes I can't afford to do much, which he understands, so we just cook dinner for eachother or do something that won't involve him having to spend too much either or we'll take it in turns to pay for dinner if we go out or something. We've had a few ups and downs lately because he's a bit stressed with work but it's working out great. And I'd personally feel quite offended if his parents were to think I was just with him because he's got more money than I have. I am very interested in his job, I'm proud of him for what he does but I've never actually taken notice of the fact he's probably doing better than I am and earns more. I wouldn't feel all that great if I thought his friends or family or whoever thought I am just a gold digger without really knowing me.

 

How about if your mum were to spend some more time with them together and maybe she'd see for herself how much they do get on? Like you said, it seems like you are seeing how good they are together because you spend more time with them. So maybe it would help your mum too if, I dunno, they came round for dinner more often or something?

 

In my opinion as long as there isn't anything obviously wrong, which there doesn't seem to be, I don't think there's anything to worry about. What matters is that they both seem happy, that's the main thing.

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Your mum seems to be working off stereotypes too... that a man should be the one with a career and earn more money than the woman or else he is a sponger. That just isn't so anymore now that woman can and do enter high paying careers themselves.

 

Also, the other stereotype she is playing is that an overweight less pretty girl can't get an attractive guy unless the guy is interested in her money or whatever (i.e., the idea that an 'ugly' girl can't get a man, or an attractive man).

 

It is kind of sad that your mother wants for her daughter an unattractive high earner, under the false assumption that that is what she needs/deserves vs. her happiness now with her attractive social worker.

 

Your mother is operating off some archaic stereotypes that don't appear to fit the situation at all, so i'd tell her to butt out and be happy for her daughter.

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I agree with the good folks above. One more problem your Mom's presumptions could cause is a closed door on future communication. Should BF ever start causing sis unhappiness, she might be too primed to protect her pride instead of confiding anything negative to those who love her most. I'd be careful in them waters...

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