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Just wants sex or just a complex guy?


Wundrin

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Hi guys... sorry, but this will be a bit long... I'd like to get advice from guys as I'd like to know what's up with this guy... First of all, I met this guy online about a month ago, let's call him Jay. Jay and I met on the plentyoffish dating site. My profile says dating, his says long term relationships. OK, right off the bat, he was very honest with me and told me he's a very sexual person and if it bothered me to let him know. I myself am a very sexual person as well, but I asked him if he was looking for only sex, or a relationship as well. He assured me that was looking for a relationship with a lot of sex (serious, but jokingly).

 

OK, so we start talking online for a bit the first day then I give him my phone number and we end up texting. The texting started bothering me as that's all we ever did and we'd barely talked on the phone and he ended up telling me one day after "bickering" about a few things that he hated talking on the phone. What we bickered about was how 90% of his texts are sex related or how we never talk on the phone, he's always going MIA in the middle of conversations, etc... Don't get me wrong, I'm not nagging him about any of these. If anything, from day one he's questioned me about how many guys I'm talking to, why I'm not quick to answer his texts, yadda yadda yadda... He's VERY sensitive, clingy and seems to be really insecure. The bickering we do is when I finally tell him hellooooo, why are you tripping on me, when you do all this stuff! Like he'll complain when I don't text him back after a couple minutes and questions me but he does it all the time... So sometimes when he questions me I'll reply back telling him of his faults too. I know it's not the best thing to do but hell, don't whine to me about something that you do too!

 

Anyway, a lot of things bother me about him like his lack of communication, pushiness and temper tantrums! He has admitted to me though that he hates talking on the phone, is very quiet and doesn't talk much, doesn't have many friends, is a homebody and spends most of his time with his son... He's a Marine so I have these automatic thoughts that he's just a horny jerk but then again I think about how many of them aren't so I don't really know what to think... I definitely would have classified him as a jerk by now but being that I know he's busy and lonely, it might explain his behavior and I gave him the benefit of a doubt.

 

Anyway, long story short, after a month of a lot of texting and very little talking, he finally convinces me to meet up. He's been asking about meeting since day one and I've put it off pretending to be busy because I wanted to see how long he'll stick around just in case it was only about sex. And to add, we are both single parents. So me, I don't play games but I'm very careful who I hang around with. I told him from the beginning that I won't involve my children in our dating until I was ready... but he was ready for me to meet his son since day one... He's been VERY pushy on meeting and "getting into a relationship" and I've pretty much just brushed that off as actually being a bit comical for the first couple of weeks.

 

Anyway, so yesterday since it's been a month I'm like hell, we've at least become comfortable enough with each other to meet up, even with kids... at least for a playdate. So we plan a day at the park with our kids. Well when I get there we end up fooling around a bit... or a lot. During all this his phone is ringing off the hook. The kicker is when we're done doing what we're doing, he listens to his messages and frantically tells me he has to cancel on the park because his work called and he had to take care of something at work. My first thought is YEAH, RIGHT! So he tells me he wants me to come over with the kids next weekend and yadda yadda yadda... What the hell? Is he just being nice and booting me out of the house? The messed up part is I told him from the beginning it can be a FWB thing but he insisted on more. I told him I wouldn't involve my kids if it's a FWB but let me know straight up so I know what I need to do... He kept assuring me he's looking for more than a FWB. That's why I thought it would be ok since we'd gotten to know each other a bit to have a playdate with the kids on our first meeting. Was that stupid? I already know the answer to that I think. Anyway, he's barely answered my texts since then (that was yesterday) and I feel as if he's avoiding me now. (It wasn't a problem in the bedroom as I'm 100% sure he enjoyed that...)

 

So, I think I already know the answer... but was he using me for sex? I mean I TOLD him I didn't mind FWB but HE was the one insisting on more! I wanted to not involve my kids if it was just sex between us but he was the one insisting he wanted a relationship. He even kept asking me to be his girlfriend but being as we hadn't met I kept telling him to chill out... I guess that's what pisses me off is I hate when I tell someone to just be honest and they bold face lie to you even after I tell him either answer is ok. What the hell... So guys... is he really as "quiet and withdrawn" like he says he is or is he tryin to play me. I've been putting off quiet a few guys for this guy in the last month and the nerve if he's just being a jerk...

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Liars and cheats aren't going to be truthful just b/c you ask them to be. Where were your kids while you were in his bedroom? You had some red flags right from the start and I think you tricked yourself into thinking you were being "nice" instead of a little foolish by giving him the "benefit of the doubt". You said you wouldn't put your kids into it and you did, you said you wouldn't meet up for sex and you did...my point being we all start out with certain intentions that we don't always follow. He started out (MAYBE) with the intention of looking for a girlfriend and now maybe he's going back on his intention.

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Liars and cheats aren't going to be truthful just b/c you ask them to be. Where were your kids while you were in his bedroom? You had some red flags right from the start and I think you tricked yourself into thinking you were being "nice" instead of a little foolish by giving him the "benefit of the doubt". You said you wouldn't put your kids into it and you did, you said you wouldn't meet up for sex and you did...my point being we all start out with certain intentions that we don't always follow. He started out (MAYBE) with the intention of looking for a girlfriend and now maybe he's going back on his intention.

 

Yeah. The thing is I've been told by more than one person that I'm a little overboard on the "what ifs" all the time and I need to learn to just relax and make mistakes. I'm a VERY cautious person and that makes me out to be a pretty negative and uptight person... I guess in a way I was using this experience as a "live and learn" one and decided to take a chance anyway and it ended up being one that I got screwed on. I went into it hoping for the best but fearing the worst so I guess I'm not all that disappointed.

 

I guess one of the reasons I went ahead and did it was because I figured you know hey, we were both free and I was going to take my kids to the park anyway, why not invite him too ya know... Kinda like a friendly picnic at the park with the guy and his kid, I thought it would be cool. I'm not an idiot so I already knew there was a chance something would happen and I was prepared for that... I just wasn't all that prepared for him to make up a boldfaced lie about why he had to cancel. (If he was lying) The thing is I'm the type of person to give people that benefit until proven wrong... I guess I'm a little bass ackwards...

 

Oh and to add, I guess one of the reasons I felt comfortable enough with him was because of his son. I just assume that most people aren't that horribly messed up enough to use their children as pawns in their games. He's all gung ho about me meeting his son and all so I assumed the best rather than the worst. It's sad if he's using that child to draw women in (he knew I love children) and putting women in and out of that child's life. I find that absolutely horrible and can't imagine someone doing that...

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So, where were the kids while you two were being intimate?

 

They were in his son's room playing. I know that sounds horrible. I feel horrible about it. But to be honest, it only lasted a few minutes (it wasn't a full on session or anything... just a "quickie"... sorry for the details). And yes, I know what everyone will say. That's obviously a booty call. But my question and what bothered me was the fact he could have told me from the beginning that's what it is when I'd asked, therefore I would not have planned a day with our kids to begin with. That's what it ended up being, or so I felt and that's why I ask the questions I ask now. Who knows, it could all be a misunderstanding and he could have been telling the truth about the work call but... I'm figuring it's not as I'm not that naive... (Unfortunately I am a little but fortunately, not enough to fall for the same thing twice...)

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Well, first & foremost I would not introduce your kid to some internet stranger on your first date. I don't care how many texts or emails you've exchanged; when you've never met in person, he's still a stranger. I think it's ill-advised to let any new love interest near your kids until you're pretty sure the relationship has a future. Making mistakes is understandable and human, but don't let your kid get caught in the middle of it.

 

That you ended up having sex on your first meeting strongly suggests that he cares more about sex than a relationship. But if you want a chance to discover if more is possible, then start dating for real and see where things go. But get a babysitter, and don't let him hang out with your kid till you know for sure that he's a keeper.

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This guy was looking for a "booty call", and his mission ws accomplished!

 

Anytime you meet someone online, and the conversation turns sexual, you really should recognize that as a "red flag", especially since you haven't met each other.

 

If they're serious about dating you, they'll ask for a real date, and take you out in public.

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Thanks for the replies gals. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I notice the replies are all from women... Can I get some guys' opinions as well so the opinions aren't biased? Sorry gals, it's just that us women tend to think negatively when it comes to these things and that's why I'm asking the opinion of men too. Don't think I'm not grateful for the advice and answers though because I am! (It's just us women have negative experiences with men and we use that to judge others' situations... I'd like to see how men think themselves and what they think this guy's thinking too...)

 

Sunflower, thanks. Yes, I actually had what you said in mind all month but after a month of "getting to know" one another, I thought a playdate with the kids would be ok. I stuck to my "NO" answer on hanging out for so long that I felt I was being unfair to him. And not only that, but negative as well since the point of these dating sites is to meet people and I kept putting it off. I guess I felt I myself was being unfair to make him wait so long to meet me. And since I was going to the park anyway, thought I'd invite him... Thank you.

 

HeartGoesOn... Yes, understandable. But if you read what I said the only reason I had an inkling of hope that it wasn't a booty call was because I'd told him in the beginning I was ok with a FWB and HE was the one saying he wanted more. He had no mission to accomplish as I told him before it was ok to be FWB but HE kept asking me to be his girlfriend! That's what's lame about the whole situation... It's like people lie just to lie which is pretty stupid in my book as I told him from day one he had a choice... FWB, or long term? And he kept choosing long term... I mean why not just admit you want a FWB when I asked? Get it? As far as a real relationship and the whole "dating" thing... well I don't really go by that. Most of my long term relationships started out with sex from the get go, so I don't use that as a rule to figure out his intentions. Don't get me wrong, I don't go out having sex with anyone and everyone... but I'm sure some women will agree that women have needs too...

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You seem full of contradictions...you say you are very careful and yet you weren't at all careful..you had sex in a stranger's house while your child was over there. You say you would have been perfectly fine with and FWB but yet you are so anxious to discount the "negative" opinions of women. It almost sounds like you don't want to believe you got used for sex and are hoping a man would see it differently. This guy told you from day 1 what he was looking for..the minute someone on a dating site talks about sex that is the clue that they are simply looking for sex, not a relationship, no matter what they claim otherwise. The women on this forum have seen lots of women in denial about FWBs thinking they can handle it when they can't and then start crying foul when the guy disappears. When you visit a virtual stranger's house, go into their bedroom and have sex then it is a booty call, not a relationship. There are lots of women who have fallen into this trap. I would just learn from this and move on. Forget about trying to analyse him, it won't change anything.

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Have you heard from him since the get-together??

 

Yes I have.

 

Crazyabout... Well, apparently all but this one. It was a misunderstanding and was a mistake in my overanalyzing. All's fine now. I guess it sounds safe for most people to say that meeting people online and immediate sex means booty calls and being used but I'd say that's in most cases but apparently not mine. I jumped the gun to accuse of foul play when it was just a misunderstanding. We ended up rescheduling the play date and it's been fine so far.

 

Thanks everyone for your insight.

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Ok a guy here and here's my opinion.

 

I think the guy is pretty desperate, insecure and clingy, all are red flags and many women will definitely not let these type of guy go this far, Im am kinda surprised how you are able to accept him.

 

About the sex thing, since you are fine with just being a FWB, or more, both of you wanted sex, so I dont see the need to analyze too much into it.

 

As a guy, I think he really needed the sex, but at least he is making an effort to make it seem not too blatantly obvious. He is trying to be a nice guy to you, but he is also horny.

 

The guy is ok for FWB, but if you wanna go for a relationship with him, better observe him more, and for pete's sake dont bring your kids if you wanna get intimate with him, even if its just a quickie.

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