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(Very) Short-term relationships


Chao99

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Every relationship I've had has lasted for at least one year. They've been great and fulfilling (until the very end, of course) - no long, drawn out unhappy lengths of time. However, I was recently given the "It's not you, it's me" / "I have a lot of things to do right now and can't put enough effort into a relationship" / "I'm not sure there's a future for us together" / etc. after only two months. I can come to terms with that. To each his own.

 

In some ways it feels easier to break up after this short of time. I'm still into my own schedule, did not develop as deep of a connection (which I gradually ease into - not that I didn't really like him), have not been crying as much, and although it still hurts, I imagine it will not take nearly as long to "recover" myself ("time heals all wounds").

 

But in other ways, I feel cheated out of the chance to make anything happen, to actually have a relationship. Neither one of us considered this a fling. But I am still thinking about how quickly he could dismiss being together. There was no screaming or fighting. There was a bit of crying on both our parts during the actual conversation. He said he is still physically and mentally attracted to me, and I feel the same about him. Although (because of the limited length of time) it is easier to be letting those feeling go. He did give the standard "I'd still like to be friends" speech, and did mention specific things he'd still like to do together. He said he has not done this for other girls in the past, so I do believe he has some kind of friendly feeling for me. However, as far as this is concerned, I feel I'm doing the proper thing right now by requesting some time with no contact. I believe he wanted to start being friends right away. He seemed a bit surprised and saddened when I asked to hold off. But I know that it is almost a guarantee that nothing good will happen if I don't spend some time processing all this for myself, and if he doesn't get time to think about whatever it is he is thinking right now.

 

I'm posting this because, like I mentioned, I have not had this short of a relationship before. Nearly all other postings I read on the forum under the "Breaking Up" or "Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships" categories deal with long-term couples, and from my own experience I know that being in that situation makes it (slightly) easier to "know" if it is either over for good or if you can possibly get along. Can anyone give me any advice/plans/stories/etc.? Is it more likely to just move on and let it go because I did not become as emotionally invested, or is this an opportunity to make a new/unique type of friendship? What is the likelihood he will change his mind and want to try again (READ - I'm not "hoping" or "planning" or "scheming" for this, it's just a question!) I'm still processing the typical breakup feelings - in between "I never want to think about him again!" and "Maybe we should try to be friends?" Anything differences you've noticed between (the ending of/getting along after) short and long-term relationships would be helpful. Thanks!

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I've dated a guy for a couple months only to have him decide to end things abruptly for no apparent reason. I totally didn't even see it coming until the words were coming out of his mouth; that's how unexpected it was. Looking back, it makes sense I guess. He had already been married & divorced, and had gone through a string of dating slightly younger girls, just like me, right before me. I can now see he wasn't looking for a relationship; he was looking for fun and I was just someone along that string in his life. Which would have been fine, if he had told me that in the first place. I assumed when you date someone, you ultimately want it to lead to more. Apparently all he wanted was casual dating. Wish I knew that from the start.

 

There are some ways you can tell what a person is looking for. If you have been dating a couple months and you still have no sign of even talking about meeting his friends or family, or making plans together that are more than a week away, then ask him where he thinks it's going. Some people just like to stay in limbo like that. When you ask them where it's going, they've gotta get off the fence, one way or another. It may not be the answer you wanted but at least it's not dragging on, only to lead to no where.

 

In my experience:

-He will not change his mind

-I would not want to be friends or still hang out together. I've heard that plenty of times "oh yeah, we can still hang out & stuff" Yeah right, it will never happens. Even if it did, I'm not sure I'd want it to. At the very least, give yourself some space for a couple months before trying to hang out again. But really, spending time with someone that you want more than you can have with is about as pleasant as shooting yourself in the foot. Spare yourself and hang out with someone else who you might possibly have a future with.

 

It did really suck when that guy ended it with me after a couple months. The first week or two were hard. I felt completely fine after that. So yeah, it really hurts at first but you will heal much quicker than you would with a LTR ending.

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Thanks alli. I was once in a year-long relationship where I never met any of my boyfriend's friends and only met his parents once (they all live only about an hour and a half away). I completely understand how it feels to figure out what that means.

 

The guy I wrote this post about, however, was almost the exact opposite. He introduced me to all his friends/acquantainces in small and large group setting within the first two weeks. When I met them they already had heard key things about me, what I did, what I looked like, etc. He took me along on a trip a few hours away to hang out with his oldest/dearest guy buddies. One guy brought his wife, but I was the only other "girl" there, so I took that to mean he didn't mind being "that guy who brought his girlfriend along." (Not that I'm trying to be stereotypical, but it was their once yearly weekend get-together). It naturally made me feel special. He told me he'd like to go traveling with me someday. He'd bring up activities we could plan to do during the upcoming months. He's even in the process of looking for a house to buy and would purposefully take me along to check out places, keep me up to date on how it was talking with realtors, what he wanted in a house/what kind of work he wanted to do. I was never all over him and his schedule though. We would actually spend time together twice, maybe three times a week. It was comfortable - not too much, not too little. Check in by phone or text pretty much everyday. But then about a month and a half in, once summer came, his priority shifted to going off with friends. Any plans made were with them and not me. He also had to temporarily move out of town (about an hour away) to stay with family until he actually buys a house here in town (couldn't justify signing another lease - understandable). I can imagine it's tough not having a "home". Before I could try to find out if I could help or if I needed to be proactive in making plans or if we needed to "adjust" anything about our relationship, he told me the things I listed above. It all went from hot to cold so quickly. And it still seems like he will want to take it back to at least "warm". It is sinking in, and I'm not trying to scheme to get him back, it's just still difficult to believe he could seem so interested one minute and then give up so fast.

 

And I agree about the probably not being friends (or at least not hanging out for a good long while). Like I said above, I'm glad (and a little surprised and proud of myself ) that I was the one who insisted on no contact. I hope it works, at least for myself.

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I am dealing with being dumped after 4 months. I have been in years long relationships and this one has hurt worse than any, and I cant explain it. He introduced me to his mom, friends, family, I could go on and on with the amount of romancing he did and BOOM, he started pulling away and gave me the its not you, its me speech. He immediately began dating a much older unattractive woman and it is going strong after 3 months. I dont mean that to be catty but when you get left, you are picturing Angelina Jolie or something. Not someone who looks like she could be his mom. At any ratem thats besides the point...

 

I saw him July 4 at a party with the new woman and a week later he called twice before I was out of bed one morning, left no message. I ran into him again last night. It is all so confusing...and I wonder after he dumped me so harsh, why would he call? I am hoping it is because he is thinking of me....

 

In the meantime Im working out, learning about the Law of Attraction, and trying to regain me. I must admit I want him back badly. I dont know why since he hurt me so bad. I just really care about him and am fearful I was just a fling to him.

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i can relate where you are coming from.

 

i went out with this gorgeous older woman for 6 months.

towards the end she had a very handosme guy move into her house for 6 weeks.

you could tell she was gaga over him and she became distant towards me.

there were too many inconsistencies in a period of 7 days and I called her to break up with her. it was hard believe me but if you have the feeling that someone is going to cheat you and string you along you are in for a ride. plus it was a bit of a long distance thing. we live 60 miles apart and eventhough we saw each othere every weekend i had lost my trust in her.

 

did it hurt to break up with her - yes it did. a lot. but then again we had no future because of the age difference and her personal circumstances. through mutual friends now i know that she has been happily dating her new housemate (not long after i broke up with her) and that she had "gone off the boil" with me so she was quite happy with the break up. in a way i did the dirty work for her.

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I was involved in a 3 month relationship however knew the person for a year before.

Its taking me just as long to get over this than it did to get over my 3 year relationship I had with someone I loved.

She blamed it on commitment. It was just me expecting her to call me every 5 seconds since she did in the past.

Its really upsetting to know that someone can show so much interest and than lose it in a matter of weeks.

Theres absolutely nothing I can do, its over forever and I know that deep down.

Yet, still return to thoughts of hope.

It is easily the toughest thing I have ever been through in my life besides losing family members.

I feel like I will never completely be over it. I am in love with her really bad, and never had the chance to tell her that. I should have.

Was just afraid.

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I just ended a 2.5 month relationship because I knew it wasn't going to work out in the long run. I have strong feelings for her and I am sure she still does for me, but we were to different that we could not get along. I ended it yesterday she was mad and called me to vent after I left her house.

 

I felt relief when I did it. A sense of freedom from having to acomodate her demanding nature any longer. Today I am thinking about her but I am staying busy. She has not tried to contact me again and I will not contact her. It is over and that is it.

 

I am sure I will be a bit angry and sad at some point but I know how to deal with my emotions. Luckily they are not that strong because of the longevity of the relationship. I was in a long term relationship before this one, but saw the same signs early on that broke up my old relationship thank goodness. I am greatful for the experience and also glad I didn't put any more time into something I knew was fleeting anyway.

 

So I will stay busy, live my life, and soon enouph time will have gone by that it will just be a good memory.

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5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting ...
5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting Your Relationship

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