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He's lost interest? Or just too busy?


Nixee

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12 Signs He's a Player - Beginn...
12 Signs He's a Player - Beginners Guide

So I'm starting to wonder if I should feel like a schmuck here with a guy I've been dating for the better part of a month or so.

 

Because of my lousy track record with guys (been hurt badly a few times), my walls don't come down easy. But I liked this guy right from the start and we've just clicked and had chemistry - this felt great!

 

From before the first date even he was very attentive and would communicate a lot and often, so I never doubted his interest. I never had to ask that dreaded "is he just not that into me?" question.

 

Then after we began dating nothing changed really... still consistent, still regular, even daily contact... even if we were both busy and it was only to send a text telling me he hoped my day was good. He made it very clear how attracted to me he was/is - giving me many compliments, and he is not shy with small touches/affection, but he didn't overdo it either. In other words, things felt like they were going well.

 

So...things got more physical. This honestly happened faster than I probably would have liked, yet at the same time he'd never made me believe that this was his only interest. We've spent a decent amount of time sharing interests and backgrounds and just generally getting to know each other.

 

But naturally, after this happened, I was feeling anxious. But he was still in contact with me. However this contact has now lessened dramatically and we've not gone out again since.

 

He was still trying to send me little texts here and there to maintain contact, but his response time has dramatically slowed. He says he has just been insanely busy with work, renovations at his house and an upcoming custody hearing for his son stressing him out. Of course I believe all of this is true and I am not trying to demand too much of his attention... but at the same time, some of this stuff was known about and going on even before he knew and was seeing me and it didn't stop him from finding a way to make time to let me know he was interested.

 

Since I pretty much hate playing games and dancing around things, a few days ago I decided to just call him on it and ask him if things were alright. I told him that I've noticed that he's seemed quieter and less interested lately and that I've kinda felt left hanging. He responded almost instantly saying no that wasn't it and that he was just insanely busy, and he apologized.

 

So I felt relief, and I thought I'd try to just be patient, give him space to get through this stress and see if he contacts me. But it has been 3 days now and not a peep. Last message he sent me said "talk to you soon pretty girl"... I sent him one awhile ago just saying hi and haven't heard anything however.

 

Could this really be just a hectic time in his life and should I be more patient and believe him when he says he is interested (even though he's stopped showing it suddenly)?

Or do I throw in the towel and move on?

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I don't like the "I"m just so busy" excuse. We're all busy and one person's business does not trump someone else's. I know doctors who work literally 24 hour shifts and manage to make time for dating, friends and doing what they enjoy.

That's my opinion, whether anyone agrees with me or not.

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I don't like the "I"m just so busy" excuse. We're all busy and one person's business does not trump someone else's. I know doctors who work literally 24 hour shifts and manage to make time for dating, friends and doing what they enjoy.

That's my opinion, whether anyone agrees with me or not.

 

Yeah well, I don't know anyone who can pull that off, so I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. Most people I know are lucky if they can schedule time to sleep. The older you get, the less you want to find time to "do it all"

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So am I understanding right that he hasn't been out with you since the first time he slept with you? How long has that been?

 

Some guys put a big push on to the get to the sex, then back off afterwards if they don't want a close or serious dating relationship.

 

I hate to say this but the guys i've known who used the 'too busy' excuse have either been juggling multiple women (and not being honest about it), or else they would make concrete plans, i.e., say, i'll be busy until the 21st, and after that we can go out once a week (or whatever fits their schedule). So they give you more information about what is going on and when you can expect to see them again, at the first opportunity, rather than just an 'i'm busy' nebulous excuse. Those nebulous excuses frequently mean they are drifting off or only want casual dating once in a blue moon and not a relationship.

 

I'd quit sending him texts/emails entirely and see how long it is before he contacts you. And I know people are busy, but they can meet you for lunch, or for a quick coffee, or for a couple hours on a Saturday. The 'busy' excuse works for a while, but if there are no concrete plans being made, and no indication of when he will see you again, you probably need to keep dating other guys and assume he's not all that interested, for whatever reason.

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I think I'd relax if I were you. He sounds like he's still into you, IMO.

 

Relax? How does one do that!? haha .... Yes, I've counciled myself to do that many times... and I'm trying. It is a new dating thing... not a serious relationship or anything so I'm really not freaking out here. I suppose it is just the frustration of wanting to bang my head against the wall yet AGAIN because we got off to such a great start and things just can't seem to ever go smoothly.

 

But thank you... his words say he is into me. His actions just aren't now. He's not consistent lately, and I notice it. But I hope you are right.

 

I don't like the "I"m just so busy" excuse. We're all busy and one person's business does not trump someone else's. I know doctors who work literally 24 hour shifts and manage to make time for dating, friends and doing what they enjoy.

That's my opinion, whether anyone agrees with me or not.

 

I guess that is why I'm bothered a bit too. I get very busy sometimes too, but if I'm really into someone, even if I can't make time for a date, I will still make time to call or text or respond to them and make sure they know I am thinking of them and very interested. He has tried to do that to some extent, but it has also dropped off. I also would have thought it would pick up some more after I flat out told him that I felt left hanging and he apologized... but it hasn't really.

 

He told me by Wednesday next week his workload will be lighter and his house renovations should be done, so maybe I'll see a difference then. I don't know.

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It has been I guess a week and a half? Two weeks?

 

It is quite possible that he could be dating others, and I would have to be ok with this, as I had been dating others as well. We haven't really had that talk yet, and with him not giving me much chance to talk to him lately, well how can we get to that point?

 

But when we first started dating he did state clearly that he is very much looking for love, not casual flings. He is a single father, crazy about his son, and right now his life kinda revolves around keeping custody of his son whose mother is trying to get full custody (they share joint now, so often the set schedule of "I'm free this date thru this date" has to do with the dates his son is at his mother's house). But still, I guess anything is possible. And I definitely don't feel secure lately.

 

I probably will be cutting off contact on my end, sadly, since I feel it is on his shoulders to be pursuing me at this point. I just am wondering where the interest went because there honestly seemed to be a lot there that was more than just physical.

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From the timelines you give, the only difference seems to be the fact that you two got intimate. As you said, his life was as hectic before as it is now. Then, after you called him on it, you have three days of no contact? I'm sorry but this does not look good. I think he's lost interest.

 

I personally like to take things slower in a relationship in the beginning to try to avoid this as much as possible. I'm sorry hon!

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Yikes, dating sux!!

 

No one can really decipher if it is YOU that he has lost interest in specifically, or if it's more along the lines of not having his priorities in order to back up his words("looking for love/relationship). I'd like to think of it being more of the latter, and that he would be capable of being honest if he did not want to date YOU per se....so I'd chalk it up to him not willing/knowing how to appropriately juggle and balance the hectic things going on in his life, atm...

 

Either case, I'd back off. I would keep his behavior during this time in mind, as this could be indicative of how his priorites go astray whenever he gets "busy" which is not good..

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From the timelines you give, the only difference seems to be the fact that you two got intimate. As you said, his life was as hectic before as it is now. Then, after you called him on it, you have three days of no contact? I'm sorry but this does not look good. I think he's lost interest.

 

I personally like to take things slower in a relationship in the beginning to try to avoid this as much as possible. I'm sorry hon!

 

Well his life wasn't quite as hectic before.

 

Yes he had work that constantly is a source of stress... but more recently he has had additional training and re-certifications going on which have been keeping him late and basically been giving him homework. He also didn't have the home renovations until recently, which literally have torn his house apart. So he gets the benefit of the doubt there for sure.

 

And we DID have contact after I called him on it, for a couple of days. We just haven't had any contact for the past 3 days.

 

I don't disagree on the going slow though, and that is why I had anxiety after things moved a bit fast with us... but I guess everything was going so well up until then that I wasn't too worried. I hadn't seen any red flags.

 

I'm either a classic fool, and he has lost interest.... or maybe he just needs the space to sort out his personal life. Sigh.

 

Keeping options open I suppose.

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you should read 'mars and venus on a date.' it has a section on when men go back into the cave. basically, it says to give him space. and if you haven't heard for a while, to call him with a friendly sounding call, not to interrogate him.

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Oh yeah... I think I've learned my lessons on being pushy and naggy (even if totally unintentionally) at younger dating ages.... men don't like that so much.

 

I mean, we can all fall victim to being over-sensitive and snippy sometimes when we are feeling on edge or having a bad day, and that happens... but generally I try to be just as pleasant and light-hearted as possible.

 

The one message I sent him earlier today that I didn't get a response to yet was just a simple "hope you are having a nice weekend sort of message to stay on the radar after 3 days.

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I dunno but this doesn't sound good. I'm only basing this on my past bad experience though. Guys (ok women too?) wil come up with anything to say they're suddenly so busy.

 

I had this happen a few times in the past with me and it's NOT fun. You're sitting there hoping for the best and hoping they're really so busy they literally have no time to pick up the phone.

 

Not arranging anything for 1-2 weeks... Ehh... Not good. How often where you guys hanging out before?

And how often has the communication been now? 3 days no contact?

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Not arranging anything for 1-2 weeks... Ehh... Not good. How often where you guys hanging out before?

And how often has the communication been now? 3 days no contact?

 

Once a week was working out fine for me due to both of our schedules, so I guess getting busy and not being able to fit something in over the past couple weekends hasn't seemed too far fetched... just frustrating.

 

But tie that in with the contact and the lack of enthusiasm I feel from him lately and that is why I feel worried about anymore potential here. We were in contact pretty much every day but that has changed.

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Once a week meeting up would be great with me too. Specially if nothing serious is going on. And everyday contact is good too, but it's when that becomes less, is where the problem is.

 

It's tricky when it comes to what the next step would be.

 

In your shoes I used to always stop contacting the guy, but secretly feel sad/depressed that he wasn't into me anymore.. still hoping that I was wrong.

 

Part of me thinks standing back and waiting for him to make the moves isn't right.

Then again, if a guy is REALLY interested, and he sees you're pulling away (due to his lack of interest) I'm pretty sure he'd try and make it up.

 

 

Anything go "not so smooth" the last time you guys where together?

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I have always lived by the creed that if a man wants to be with you, he will. If I were you I would cool out for a while and allow him to do the pursuing and see what happens...see if he makes the time for you. In life we (as in people in general) will always be busy, stressed, under pressure etc. But when a person is really interested in the person who they are dating, they generally make some time.

 

I know its hard, best of luck to you!

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I have always lived by the creed that if a man wants to be with you, he will. If I were you I would cool out for a while and allow him to do the pursuing and see what happens...see if he makes the time for you. In life we (as in people in general) will always be busy, stressed, under pressure etc. But when a person is really interested in the person who they are dating, they generally make some time.

 

I know its hard, best of luck to you!

 

yes, i 100% agree.

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Once a week meeting up would be great with me too. Specially if nothing serious is going on. And everyday contact is good too, but it's when that becomes less, is where the problem is.

 

It's tricky when it comes to what the next step would be.

 

In your shoes I used to always stop contacting the guy, but secretly feel sad/depressed that he wasn't into me anymore.. still hoping that I was wrong.

 

Part of me thinks standing back and waiting for him to make the moves isn't right.

Then again, if a guy is REALLY interested, and he sees you're pulling away (due to his lack of interest) I'm pretty sure he'd try and make it up.

 

 

Anything go "not so smooth" the last time you guys where together?

 

Exactly! I dunno.... I'm a pretty go-with-the flow type person, and I gauge each budding friendship/relationship as it happens. Some people are the type who seem comfortable being in contact everyday, and some aren't. With this guy we just hit it off very well and that became our pattern.... so when the contact dropped, right away my gut told me something was off.

 

But since he has a legitimate amount of stuff going on, I don't want to be so fast to dismiss him under "well, he got what he wanted and now he's done with me" rules. Bah.

 

I also hate waiting for the guy to make all the moves, but I know it is a balance game. I don't want to put in more than my share of effort if he won't match me or is unable. I'm simply not willing to at this point.

 

The last time we were together things went very smoothly. He took me out to dinner, we talked, laughed... I had a voicemail from my mother during dinner that I checked and during that he pulled out his phone and sent a flirty sweet text to my phone that popped up as soon as I disconnected from voicemail. He's just extremely attentive to me in person. After dinner he even watched my favorite tv show with me, which he'd never watched before. When I left I had the feeling that the evening went perfectly fine, even if things were moving fast between us.

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well, worrying about it isn't going to get you anywhere. since you texted him last, i'd say that the ball is in his court. why don't you give things another week or two and if you are still not satisfied with his level of contact, you can call things off.

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Thanks Annie....

 

Yeah, I guess that is pretty much where I am at. I guess we'll see.

 

Will be funny to find out if it seems he HAS lost interest, after I basically asked him point blank if that was the case and he said no

 

Actions always speak louder than words. ](*,)

 

 

This dating thing is exhausting.

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It doesn't seem like a good sign to me, especially since it happened right after you two got "physical". Personally, if I was really into a girl and we got "physical" I would want to contact her more often.

 

Hopefully it is the case that he is too busy, although sending a text message takes no time at all, so I don't really think these kind of excuses have that much validity. If I really liked someone and they contacted me, I would be extremely excited about it and respond as soon as a had a chance. All guys are different though, but I would try to moderate your hopes at this point.

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