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My life is suffering a major crisis


BusyNAbroad
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...and I am realizing this only now, when the rest of my classmates are graduating from university and being phoned by companies and getting top quality jobs and internships.

 

I helped many of these people get where they are and they used to see me as a "guru" or "big brother". I also used to be among the top achievers in the first year.

 

Then I had an accident and many months passed until I recovered psychologically. I became more active in the field of extracurriculars and more practical stuff (leading student organizations, organizing events, concerts, nightlife, etc.), doing several non-specialized jobs, but thereby also lost a lot of time and energy to devote to my studies.

 

I kind of got too seduced by the people saying things such as "practice is more important theory" and "no company cares about the grades but the practical things you do". Turns out to be entirely wrong.

 

Then, in my final year, I had an emotional storm that dealt me a big blow of uncertainty in my life. I couldn't understand anything anymore. My entire way of looking at people changed, and that's one of the reasons I registered on this forum: a girl who seduced me into a long-term relationship/affair while secretly being in a relationship with a married man 30 years older than her.

That event destroyed my confidence and self-esteem for many months and I still can't figure out why that happened, or whether there is any point in believing or expecting anything from relationship life.

 

I had many different developments in entirely different directions trying to understand women and their contraddictions, but all of that just added to the distraction. (Actually, right now I am slowly getting fed up with women or relationships in any kind. I hate love, sex and anything like that. I might consider truly entering the world of celibacy and chastity.)

 

Result: I haven't finished all exams and might have to stay one year extra in order to graduate.

 

All of this is very demotivating to me, as I really like what I study and am ambitious... but every day there is something new that distracts me and brings me back to the thoughts about women: this includes what I am studying as well (Economics & Social Sciences, which includes a lot of Psychology).

 

I am not depressed, but I have to take some recovery measures that I am not very happy about, such as entirely sacrificing social life, and - as already mentioned above - entirely forgetting women, perhaps even becoming a bit more hard. Hard in a sense that I might come through as unfriendly and unwilling to compromise. These are necessary steps if I have to carry on reaching my objectives.

In my mind I am starting to crush and destroy all girls whom I meet on the road and make eye contact with me, so they don't contaminate my thoughts anymore.

 

I am also experiencing many disappointments from people whom I considered my friends. Mainly because I am behind and my friends are probably starting new lives in their careers and I am still trying to graduate.

 

Sigh yeah. Any advice or comments appreciated

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It sounds like you've had a really tough year. It must be very difficult to watch your friends going out into the world while you are left behind.

 

But you haven't ruined your life. You've still got time to turn this around. And honestly, in this economy, taking an additional year before you hit the job market may not be the worst thing in the world. It's really ugly out there.

 

What I'd suggest is that you meet with your academic advisor right away and map out what you need to do to get back on track with your education. Explain that you had some difficult experiences (the accident, etc.) but that you are ready to turn things around now. If your school has counselors to help with personal issues, talk to them too. They're there to help you.

 

But please don't let the actions of one woman poison you against all women. It's fine to take a break from dating & relationships, especially now when you need to concentrate on your academic life. But women are not the enemy, and letting yourself turn into a misogynist because one woman cheated & deceived you is not healthy for you. There are plenty of good, caring, honest women in the world who don't deserve that kind of scorn.

 

It sounds like you have the ambition and talent to turn things around and get your life back on track. Good luck!

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It's easy to assume that all your friends have a wonderful yellow-brick-road laying before them, but trust me, I doubt it's as structured as you believe...

 

As for you, well, it's obvious that you're still learning a lot about yourself. I would agree that there's a fine line between theory and experience, however, at least over here in the States, I would wager that experience is winning most of the time (at least nowadays). It will be the deciding factor that gets you the job. The good thing, though, is that the theory will determine how far you get in most cases simply because it represents years of study and "well rounding." Ha.

 

Try to go see a counselor or psychologist if you can. If you can't, hey, you'll still get through all this. Stop worrying about what other people are doing. To hell with them. Worry about yourself and only yourself for the time being and get in a direction where you know what you want, how you need to go about getting it, etc. It's not going to be easy, but I think that's about the best advice I can give (not that you need my advice, of course).

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But please don't let the actions of one woman poison you against all women. It's fine to take a break from dating & relationships, especially now when you need to concentrate on your academic life. But women are not the enemy, and letting yourself turn into a misogynist because one woman cheated & deceived you is not healthy for you. There are plenty of good, caring, honest women in the world who don't deserve that kind of scorn.

 

I'm not hating women as people, but "women" in the sense of subjects of relationships and romantic or sexual thoughts. I see and will always see women as all other human beings and can work with them perfectly (I have also organized emancipation events in, well, "developing countries" - but I am starting to see no point anymore in creating a romantic or sexual relationship with them.

It wasn't only that one womans' actions. It is the thoughts and ideas that came along with her. I thought of her as a very bright and intelligent person (and still don't know whether she truly was or was pretending - because if she was, then she had really nice ideas about life, but somehow wanted to poison me and only me for reasons I will never know) and some of my personality traits had developed through my long conversations with her last year, and four years ago when we knew each other at school time.

Following my discovery of her secret behavior and our "No Contact" period I was first confused about everything. About the ideas we shared and that she said to represent. And this confusion led me to several "changes of lifestyle" over the past 7-8 months. All of which seemed to confirm one thing:

Love has nothing to do with being good and ethical or morals.

Love is a competition in which only the fittest survive, but the worst thing is nobody would admit it and instead paint it as something good. Even the most brilliant and good-hearted women I met in my life seem to behave according to the rules of animals when it comes to relationships.

The problem is I am a highly moral and ethical person, I do a lot of volunteering, help those who are in difficulty etc. which is - as far as I am experiencing - very unattractive to the animal instincts of most women.

So this is why I am suffering. The contraddiction between the tales about love and the reality of an instinct-driven world in which hot girls go with hot guys and the good/altruistic guys are able to attract only average or less than average looking girls.

These seem to be unwritten but universal laws, and the only way to escape those laws is to entirely remove oneself from the "game of love" or turn unethical and become a "bad guy".

 

Again, it's not women I hate, but relationships with them/romantic life/love, etc.

 

It sounds like you have the ambition and talent to turn things around and get your life back on track. Good luck!

 

Thanks

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I'm not hating women as people, but "women" in the sense of subjects of relationships and romantic or sexual thoughts.

 

I can totally relate to this from the other side - as in, this works both ways. After being hurt by several men who have, or tried to, take advantage of me - I've had enough! Like you, I subscribed to the "practice" theory in my professional as well as personal life. I believed that if you're a good, altruistic person that good things will come to you. I've learned the hard way that this is not always true. In the last year I've been disappointed and/or hurt by my relationship partners (ex-husband) as well as colleagues (one of whom stole and tried to take credit for my work) and friends (several of whom flaked out on me after my divorce). It's made me a harder person, which I didn't like at first, but also stronger. No one is going to take advantage of me again, not if I can help it! But it's also put me in a place where I'm having an incredibly difficult time trusting anyone, and it's going to be a while before I can again.

 

I'm also at a point now where I'm having to throw myself 110% into my work, in part because of emotional distractions. It keeps me too busy to have time for relationships, which is good on one hand, but also lonely and frustrating at times. But it is what it is, and this time will not last forever. There will be time again in the future - when ready - to go out and be social again. Just remember that this extra year is just that - just one year - after which you can fully re-enter life.

 

Also as for this:

The problem is I am a highly moral and ethical person, I do a lot of volunteering, help those who are in difficulty etc. which is - as far as I am experiencing - very unattractive to the animal instincts of most women.

So this is why I am suffering. The contraddiction between the tales about love and the reality of an instinct-driven world in which hot girls go with hot guys and the good/altruistic guys are able to attract only average or less than average looking girls.

 

Don't you think you're being a little unfair and hypocritical here? It seems to me you're saying that women should respect and be attracted to you for your goodness and altruism (which I interpret to mean regardless of looks), yet you're judging the quality of women you can attract solely by their looks? Why can't you be attracted to and judge women for their goodness as well, instead of solely how hot they are? You're missing out on a lot of good people that way, and doing to other women exactly what you're complaining that they're doing to you!

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Don't you think you're being a little unfair and hypocritical here? It seems to me you're saying that women should respect and be attracted to you for your goodness and altruism (which I interpret to mean regardless of looks), yet you're judging the quality of women you can attract solely by their looks? Why can't you be attracted to and judge women for their goodness as well, instead of solely how hot they are? You're missing out on a lot of good people that way, and doing to other women exactly what you're complaining that they're doing to you!

 

I simply notice too clearly the status quo, the fact that it is always homogenous couples that get together. On the road I see only hot guys with hot girls, and the altruistic/good guys getting less hot girls.

I am not judging by the looks, but simply noticing that there are rarely differences in looks between the two people of a couple. It seriously makes me regurgitate.

 

If I was hot, of course, I would do my best to value a woman for only their goodness. But I am not hot - and knowing that only because of that (and because I am good/altruistic) I won't get a hot girl... makes me sick, extremely sick.

Actually the more I think about it the more I get depressed.

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Three things jump out at me if you really want to feel better and turn things around. (If that's not your goal, you won't like these too much.)

 

1) Don't use an 'all or nothing' lens. Your problem isn't with ALL women. You had a problem with one woman, who was married to someone else. So, now you know you're smart enough to ask questions and see telltale signs to determine whether a woman is married. If she is, avoid her. Your woman issue is gone.

 

2) Don't turn resolvable problems into catastrophes. To say, "I can't have ANY social life is an extreme sentence to impose on your psyche when really all you'll need to do is curb yourself to some degree and put the kind of limits on your social time that don't thrill you. It's not the end of the world.

 

3) Don't use strawman arguments to pit yourself against unknowns. Building up fabulous lives for everyone else in your own mind is only useful if you want to make yourself miserable. You're disappointed that you don't view yourself as ahead of the pack right now. That's understandable, but why tell yourself that everyone but you is out there in this recession having a killer time with wonderful opportunities? Half may be doing well, another quarter are fighting depression because their dream internships have them getting coffee for someone else, and the rest are either broke in front of video games at their parents house or enjoying some great beach time between night gigs as a waiter.

 

Point is, having a rant can be a good way to blow off steam, but make sure you're not stacking the deck against your own head. It's not profitable.

 

In your corner.

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1) Don't use an 'all or nothing' lens. Your problem isn't with ALL women. You had a problem with one woman, who was married to someone else. So, now you know you're smart enough to ask questions and see telltale signs to determine whether a woman is married. If she is, avoid her. Your woman issue is gone.

I wrote more in detail about this here:

Sure, I learned a lesson about asking more questions, etc. but I feel helpless about the fact that by doing so I will probably reduce my chances of being with a woman whom I like also esthetically (looks-wise).

 

I am not a teenager who hasn't been around in the world. I have traveled a lot since I was a kid and one thing I do is observe, observe, observe, and also speak to the most different kinds of people.

My impression grows that it is a universal law: hot girls will always go only for hot guys.

 

2) Don't turn resolvable problems into catastrophes. To say, "I can't have ANY social life is an extreme sentence to impose on your psyche when really all you'll need to do is curb yourself to some degree and put the kind of limits on your social time that don't thrill you. It's not the end of the world.

OK, this is true. Thanks.

 

3) Don't use strawman arguments to pit yourself against unknowns. Building up fabulous lives for everyone else in your own mind is only useful if you want to make yourself miserable. You're disappointed that you don't view yourself as ahead of the pack right now. That's understandable, but why tell yourself that everyone but you is out there in this recession having a killer time with wonderful opportunities? Half may be doing well, another quarter are fighting depression because their dream internships have them getting coffee for someone else, and the rest are either broke in front of video games at their parents house or enjoying some great beach time between night gigs as a waiter.

 

The point is that I am way behind than where I would be if all these things didn't happen.

 

I am not comparing myself to other people (I thought everyone on this forum said that it's bad to?), but to myself and at most my best friends and my circle of acquaintances. I am already a year behind because I had to repeat a year in high school due to other personal problems. What I am saying is that I already invested in a specific plan but this investment may have no return or its return may come with a delay.

By investment I also mean in terms of real cash (elite university = more expensive; one extra year = more debt and pressure to return it, etc. not sure how this will affect my performance and motivation etc.)

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Again, you're still perpetuating the double standard. Listen to yourself:

 

On the road I see only hot guys with hot girls, and the altruistic/good guys getting less hot girls.

...

If I was hot, of course, I would do my best to value a woman for only their goodness. But I am not hot - and knowing that only because of that (and because I am good/altruistic) I won't get a hot girl... makes me sick, extremely sick.

 

You divide men into two sets of classes:

Good / not good

Hot / not hot

 

Yet women are ONLY grouped into one set of classes:

Hot / not hot

 

Women - just like men - are more than their looks alone. This is a very superficial way of looking at the world.

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...and yes, I do see couples that - when looked at purely superficially - are mismatched by looks. I know several very overweight men with skinny, beautiful women, and I know hot men with overweight or otherwise conventionally average-looking women. Because not everyone judges their partners by their looks alone!

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You divide men into two sets of classes:

Good / not good

Hot / not hot

 

Yet women are ONLY grouped into one set of classes:

Hot / not hot

 

Wrong. Please read again what I wrote:

"If I was hot, of course, I would do my best to value a woman for only their goodness."

 

I am simply saying that, since I am not hot, I am compensating this with the hotness of a hot woman.

 

Anyway, double-standard or not, fact remains that because I am not hot, I will not get a hot girl.

 

Regardless of whether I am good or not good.

 

The only solution would be money.

 

And to get money I need to get a good job in banking.

 

And to get that I first need to get good grades.

 

etc.

 

You just don't realize how utterly bad I feel right now. Really miserably bad because of my limited chances in the short term.

 

For all I know, I may never get a hot woman.

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Good news is, you're open-minded when someone's playing devil's advocate for your benefit. I can appreciate that you're disappointed and facing a setback, and my heart goes out to you. Not trying to feed you a load of goo about pasting on a happy face about it, but rather speaking strictly from the POV of minimizing damage and approaching this from a problem-solving mentality.

 

I understand it's hard to juggle plates, especially when going through an emotional upset. You've already faced a delay in high school, so you've learned three things from both of these delays. First, that it's not ideal but it doesn't end your future possibilities. Second, this won't be the last time you're positioned to manage emotional difficulties on top of tough workloads. So you'll need to adopt a better approach to handling the emotional side of your life to avoid crashing your functional abilities. Third, waving a victim flag at the actions of another will gain you zero. It's a form of mental catastophizing, and it won't work any better going forward than it did through your last school year. Please consider that no matter how 'wronged' any of us may feel, sabotaging our own capabilities because of it is a choice, and one that doesn't gain you a thing--it doesn't win you enough sympathy to get you what you want, and it doesn't buy you back any time.

 

You write:

 

[...] Sure, I learned a lesson about asking more questions, etc. but I feel helpless about the fact that by doing so I will probably reduce my chances of being with a woman whom I like also esthetically (looks-wise).

 

Helplessness is not exactly a girl magnet, either. In fact, it's the very thing that repels healthy people and attracts users and con artists. No woman worth a brain in her head is going to be turned off by a man who uses his. You can find out plenty about people without being accusatory or hurtful. Again, this 'all or nothing' thinking with you is a barrier to reasonable problem solving.

 

I am not a teenager who hasn't been around in the world. I have traveled a lot since I was a kid and one thing I do is observe, observe, observe, and also speak to the most different kinds of people.

My impression grows that it is a universal law: hot girls will always go only for hot guys.

 

If that's true, I wonder why I see so many really hot girls with dogly men all the time. Look, if you want to adopt mental limitations about women, then don't point to the world as any reason for your helplessness--it's right between your eyes. It will only serve you as well as the thinking that's gotten you exactly where you do not want to be thus far.

 

The point is that I am way behind than where I would be if all these things didn't happen.

 

Flexibility and agility are skills. Think of managing your education as managing a project. What kinds of things can derail a project, and how can you prevent that going forward short of taking draconian measures to torture yourself because you're having a temper tantrum?

 

I am not comparing myself to other people (I thought everyone on this forum said that it's bad to?), but to myself and at most my best friends and my circle of acquaintances.

 

If these are your friends and you've helped them gain their successes, then you'll gain a sense of satisfaction from that when you're in a better place. And you know you'll be in a better place as soon as you decide you're ready to step up to it. You're facing the consequences of your own choices, and you can do that with dignity and the mental focus of a laser beam. It's a decision.

 

I am already a year behind because I had to repeat a year in high school due to other personal problems. What I am saying is that I already invested in a specific plan but this investment may have no return or its return may come with a delay.

By investment I also mean in terms of real cash (elite university = more expensive; one extra year = more debt and pressure to return it, etc. not sure how this will affect my performance and motivation etc.)

 

Delays aren't ideal, but every good plan builds in room for them. What are your contingencies? What steps have you taken to develop them? Have you met with the school and asked for testing or double-tier work to move through the courses you need any faster? What are your best possible outcomes, and what are your plans for reaching them?

 

On the emotional front, have you worked with any therapists, and are you aware that mental health services are part of what your tuition pays for?

 

In your corner.

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OK, till here I agree and am thankful you assessed my situation realistically.

 

 

Sure, I agree that helplessness doesn't... help. Of course I have not lost everything but what I feel is that I have lost something unrecoverable and therefore a kind of opportunity cost.

Let me exaggerate how I feel: It's as if I'm 70 years old, have worked as a library cleaner all my life, and suddenly discover that all my life I wanted to become a pilot. I have all the enthusiasm and energy but

1) I have no money to invest in new education

2) they won't accept me to work as a pilot with my age, zero experience and condition.

This is an exaggeration, but to make more clear what I mean. I feel that I've reached a stage where certain things that I could have achieved can't be achieved anymore.

 

I could get the second best girl and settle for her and be happy with her. But I know that I could have gotten better.

 

 

The point is that these "mental limitations" and "all or nothing" thinking in part derive from an interaction of what I study. To give you an example:

a girl prefers an old rich man over me, I study that that's absolutely normal according to research in evolutionary psychology or other social sciences, I think that it will always be like that.

Now, I know that it may not always be like that, and that I might also become a lucky exception... but in a certain sense... my mind is looking for coherence between what I study and what happens in my personal life.

Social sciences and academic psychology probably influence a great part of my way of feeling things. Even in science there are exceptions (outliers), but when I keep reading the same things over and over again, I either have to decide that what I read is nonsense or that I must accept things as they are.

 

 

I know quite well how to get back on track on the academic front. My problem is more how I can deal with that while facing financial problems (accommodation for one more year), communicating my situation to parents (half Asian... you know, they have great expectations regarding grades), and a range of other practical issues that keep distracting me from the actual content of studies. I think such distractions accumulate constantly.

 

 

 

Having worked together with mental health specialists, counselors, etc. and being also a psychology student the outcome would be quite biased.

 

To sum up: my crisis is more related to moral/ethical and knowledge based decisions rather than emotions.

 

I know how to organize myself and my emotions well, once I know again that I can get back on-route and reach my objectives.

 

Example: some scientist finds out that people my height, my skin color, my hobbies, etc. and my background are more successful with women and at careers. I become super engaged again

 

What is this? I guess, my mind is creating self-fulfilling prophecies entirely based on the knowledge it gets from science books and studies.

 

And when science gives a pessimistic outlook, and I see evidence to it in my daily life, I must come to the forum and ask whether other people experienced it differently. etc. etc. etc.

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A main issue is that in such periods I become very messy.

 

I forget deadlines. I forget dates. I forget or am unwilling to talk to people for important issues.

 

For example, my parents found a person who would help me with accommodation for free, but I was reluctant to call because... of my bad mood. And thus I lost an opportunity.

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