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Overwhelmed by kindness but so very confused!


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5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – ...
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – Spotting A True Friend

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I have a friend who started out as a "dating interest". After we both figured out that we had way too much in common to be a suitable match (this is both our strong points + our flaws), we decided not to date and just be friends. There was a little tension in the friendship because he liked me.

 

We've had 2 major falling outs and they've always been over the same thing;

 

We're both the same ethnicity but we're both very detached from our culture, so detached we're kind of ANTI our own culture. He's very aggressive in his negative attitude towards it, I'm not as aggressive. If I date a guy from the same culture, or he sees me being very cordial to someone of the same culture, or thinks I'm dressing too much like other girls in the same culture etc... He gets really angry, tells me "YOURE A FAKE" blablabla. Both times we've stopped talking, he's contacted me and apologized. He's older than me by a few years but I think a hell of a lot less mature. Either way, i'm not really phased by 99.99999% of what people think so i've forgiven him, because in general he's a good friend & he's always been there for me through family turmoil.

 

Including now.

 

I've been meaning to move out for a long time but i havent been able to because of family drama, not having somewhere to go etc.. He's invited me to be his roommate. He says I don't have to pay till i'm on my feet because he's not actually paying for the place.. and yeah.

 

It's an incredibly generous offer of him to make. But I don't think my boyfriend would be happy about it at all (he doesnt know that this friend used to like me- I dont plan on telling him). My boyfriend's very conservative and just wouldnt think it was "right". But whilst I care for my boyfriend and he's an amazing person.. he's not very understanding of my family situation.

 

What does everyone think? =\

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Honestly I think your friend asking you to move in is probably hoping it will lead to something romantic.. It sounds like he's obsessed with you and willing to be "just friends". I've been there, not being able to let go, and feeling so hurt inside because she didnt feel the same way about me, just wanted to be my "friend". She made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her, inadequate. This sounds like an unhealthy situation. Please dont use this poor boy for a place to live you'll only end up hurting his feelings even more in the long run.

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Honestly I think your friend asking you to move in is probably hoping it will lead to something romantic.. It sounds like he's obsessed with you and willing to be "just friends". I've been there, not being able to let go, and feeling so hurt inside because she didnt feel the same way about me, just wanted to be my "friend". She made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her, inadequate. This sounds like an unhealthy situation. Please dont use this poor boy for a place to live you'll only end up hurting his feelings even more in the long run.

 

But I don't think he likes me anymore at all =\ And I'm by no means going to use him. I value his friendship immensely, like i said, hes always been there for me (NOT in a financial way, as moral and emotional support). He's dating now quite extensively.

 

I don't make him feel inadequate in any way. He's one of the most self assured people I know. He knows that the reason I don't ever want to be romantically involved with him is because when i WAS interested, he'd be like "We'd never make a good couple, we're really not relationship material, you're really not my type physically", and eventually I just started to agree with him.

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I'll bite. I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear, it's ok for you to use this guy knowing he has a crush on you and to hide very relevant facts from your boyfriend. And before you deny either one of these, once a guy becomes attracted to a girl (immediately upon seeing her), he never loses interest and stays in touch just as a friend. If a man really loses interest, he stops talking to you period. This is the way all men work.

 

As for letting your man know, if you really didn't think there was anything wrong with it, you would've come clean already. If he had a problem with it, you could stick up for yourself. But I predict that you'll do what you want to do in any case.

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I am going to agree. I would advise you not to as it is going to be very difficult for you to get move out if things get uncomfortable. I think the anger part may be a red flag about jealousy. I also think not paying til you are on your feet sort of makes you dependent on him . It is better to look in the paper for someone looking for a female roommate or advertise to find someone who is also in your situation looking for an apartment. Start saving up now even if its just $20 a week towards your future moving out and skip this one.

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Ask yourself this.. Why would he still be friends or roomates with you after you rejected him then started going out with some other guy?

 

Answer: because he thinks he still has a chance with you.

 

If you have potential romantic interest in him, id say go for it. If not, you may be leading him on without realizing it. What if he gets pissed and you have to leave? then could you move back with your parents? your boyfriend will certainly be jealous when he realized you dated this guy before. I would be outraged if I was your b/f and you were going to go live with some guy you used to date. I think it would be a selfish move on your part to go through with this. You should stick it out with your folks, it doesnt sound like they abuse you or anything. Get a job, and find a roomate. Dont be a spoiled brat that someone always has to take care of financially. Take a stand for yourself, become independent and earn yourself a good life. It will be much more enjoyable that way. If you just let people take care of you your whole life your gonna end up a really shallow person.

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I'll bite. I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear, it's ok for you to use this guy knowing he has a crush on you and to hide very relevant facts from your boyfriend. And before you deny either one of these, once a guy becomes attracted to a girl (immediately upon seeing her), he never loses interest and stays in touch just as a friend. If a man really loses interest, he stops talking to you period. This is the way all men work.

 

As for letting your man know, if you really didn't think there was anything wrong with it, you would've come clean already. If he had a problem with it, you could stick up for yourself. But I predict that you'll do what you want to do in any case.

 

Ugh.

 

 

I am going to agree. I would advise you not to as it is going to be very difficult for you to get move out if things get uncomfortable. I think the anger part may be a red flag about jealousy. I also think not paying til you are on your feet sort of makes you dependent on him . It is better to look in the paper for someone looking for a female roommate or advertise to find someone who is also in your situation looking for an apartment. Start saving up now even if its just $20 a week towards your future moving out and skip this one.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

Ask yourself this.. Why would he still be friends or roomates with you after you rejected him then started going out with some other guy?

 

Answer: because he thinks he still has a chance with you.

 

If you have potential romantic interest in him, id say go for it. If not, you may be leading him on without realizing it. What if he gets pissed and you have to leave? then could you move back with your parents? your boyfriend will certainly be jealous when he realized you dated this guy before. I would be outraged if I was your b/f and you were going to go live with some guy you used to date. I think it would be a selfish move on your part to go through with this. You should stick it out with your folks, it doesnt sound like they abuse you or anything. Get a job, and find a roomate. Dont be a spoiled brat that someone always has to take care of financially. Take a stand for yourself, become independent and earn yourself a good life. It will be much more enjoyable that way. If you just let people take care of you your whole life your gonna end up a really shallow person.

 

And thank you for yours. I didn't date this guy, but I realize the same logic is applied. I'm not too good at seeing alterior motives, especially when it comes to guys.

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once a guy becomes attracted to a girl (immediately upon seeing her), he never loses interest and stays in touch just as a friend. If a man really loses interest, he stops talking to you period. This is the way all men work.

 

To quote Dr. Cox:

 

Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. You're wrong (x4).

 

Maybe you work that way, maybe your friends work that way, but kindly leave me out of your stereotyping.

 

As for the OP, the situation does seem to be in your favour but would it be worth:

 

A - The inevitable fights that, without distance previously used to cool off, may grow more volatile.

 

B - Your boyfriend's feelings on the subject. It is your life but I could understand the hesitance of your boyfriend and how he may not be comfortable with the idea, especially if he picks up even a semblance of more-than-platonic intent in the offer, even if it's just out of jealousy.

 

How long were you friends with this person before you met your SO?

 

Personally, I wouldn't do it mainly because of the clashing that could escalate to truly damaging the friendship when there's no space to cool off, it also gives him (the friend) a measure of control that can be exploited a bit when the argument reaches a peak (ie throws you out, makes you feel unwelcome, etc).

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I'll bite. I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear, it's ok for you to use this guy knowing he has a crush on you and to hide very relevant facts from your boyfriend. And before you deny either one of these, once a guy becomes attracted to a girl (immediately upon seeing her), he never loses interest and stays in touch just as a friend. If a man really loses interest, he stops talking to you period. This is the way all men work.

 

As for letting your man know, if you really didn't think there was anything wrong with it, you would've come clean already. If he had a problem with it, you could stick up for yourself. But I predict that you'll do what you want to do in any case.

 

I agree with this entire post. I think he nailed it and can't really add anymore to it.

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I agree that the "guys cant be friends with girls without wanting to do them" mentality is really off. I didn't want to start an argument.

 

I've already thought about it. I actually confronted him and asked him if he still liked me. He said he does, not as much as he did though. So I guess the other posters weren't 100% off target. Thinking into the situation more made me think that he's probably just lonely (Yeah, he has friends.. but he's lived with his grandparents for a long time now.. and I dont really think he connects to people on a deeper level). Either way all I could see stepping back from the situation is red flags.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

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