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Relationship over after 5 years, I can't cope...help


arpegio
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hi Everyone,

 

I'll try not to bore u all with my problems and try and keep it short, just would love to hear that i'll be fine and i'll get through this.

 

I'm 33 and been with this girl since i was 28. First 6 months were great then she showed a very nasty side while she was drunk. I accepted her apology and let it go. However, this kind of behaviour has been ongoing from then right up to now. Example of the many things that happened:

 

- My mum was hospitalised for about a year. After work each day, I visited my mum for an hour and then back to my girlfriend for the rest of the day and weekends. After the first 4 weeks of me visiting my mum, my gf went crazy sayin that I should be spending more time with her and not running to my mum all the time. I'm not a "mummy's boy" but I do love my mum, surely i was doing no wrong. What did i do? I spent less time seeing my mum to keep the peace.

 

- Every week she would complain i didnt give her enough money. Some weeks id give her £40 (UK) and some weeks it could be over £100. Bare in mind, I did not eat at her house, I didn't keep my clothes at her house (Because she would throw me out every weekend when she was drunk, so after 2 years of that I kept my clothes at mum and dads), I didnt watch TV there (As the remote was always in her hands or her kids - i would never be asked wat i wanted to watch). I stayed in her house most of during the week but I certainly created no or little expense. Despite that I still give her money anyway. She demanded that I gave her £100 every week anyway for rent and bills. She was always very materialistic. By the way, I work and give my job 100% committment. She doesn't work, she claims benefits, housing benefit which means she lives rent free, disability benefit (fraudulently as she made up a load of lies for her claim). Think she feels the world owes her everything.

 

- After year 1, I dreaded weekends as i knew she'd get drunk and Id be in for a hard time and it always happened every weekend without fail. She name call, hit me, say things about my mum (e.g. call her physcho because she was previously hospitalised in a mental health hospital due to a burn out/depression). She would shout things out on the street that were totally untrue. One occasion she hit me, then her son came down to see what was going on and she said i was being nasty and then he thumped me and both left me outside in the rain, on the ground bleeding.

 

- I lost all contact with my friends as she would go mental if I went to a friends house. She would say things like "You like them more than me", or "I needed you more but you thought of yourself and went to your friends house"

 

- I stopped all my hobbies and she put them all down too.

 

- The rest of her family, brothers and sisters, her 2 sons behave in a similar manner to her. They all have drink problems and are very abusive. She always argues with me for not going to her brothers house. The reason why i dont is because her brother and his partner do nothing but drink, get abusive while their 5 year old and 1 year old baby is upstairs in bed. Everytime my gf goes there, her and her brother end up fighting. I don't agree with all this drinking and fighting as it is so unfair on the children. Not one of them care - i dont want to be part of that, aint my scene.

 

- Her 2 sons drink and do drugs and are known as thugs around this area. They are constantly being lifted by police and in/out of court. I guess it was hard for her bringing up 2 kids on her own, but i see alot of aggression and nastiness in them that's identical to the way in which she behaves.

 

- Theres lots of more things that she done on me. I honestly would be here typing for another 2 hours and it hurts for me going over all this stuff.

 

My family and my friends are sick saying to me to wise up and get the hell out of there. But everytime I wanted to leave, it hurt and so I would end up going back as while it still hurt, it was less hurt - sounds stupid i know. There was people that i didnt know very well, actually came up to me and said things like "You came from a better background to end up with the likes of her" or "Are you mad going out with her, you'll end up getting in an early grave". I did listen, but ended up going back as im too soft.

 

So its the weekend now and as usual she got drunk last nite and just bang out of the blue her nasty side came out and started shouting, smashing and throwing me out shouting nonsense all over the street. And as usual, she called today apologising saying that she was out of order and then as usual i said its ok, and told her she has a drink problem. At this, she then started shouting at me over the phone, told me where to go and said its over - for the millionth time.

 

This time, I want to have the guts to stay away, to not contact her. I want my life back but I end up getting down thinking im 33 now, id be too old for most single women now. Maybe i have lost alot of self confidence. Right now, im hurting, hurting bad and I can't concentrate on anything. I can't eat, i can't sleep. I've actually went to this forum before and was going to write so many times but i ended up going back to her. This is the first time ive actually registered and posted on here because I want help and let someone else look at what the relationship was and help me get through this hard time. The way i feel now is that i'll never get through it.

 

I love her, but wish i didn't. I care for her, but wish i didnt. I want to be free of her as i know i will end up in an early grave if i dont.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my words, and can only hope that you can help me through this.

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Hang in there. I recently broke up with my boyfriend on 5 1/2 years and I understand how difficult it is to feel the pain and loss. It will get easier. When I posted some one said to me, "It is always best to settle for less...right?" I was sent into tears. That is what I was doing, settling. Don't settle...there is someone wonderful for you who will make your life a more wonder filled experience instead of a dreaded one. Have faith... ((hugs))

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Well you know that you need to get out of there. That much is obvious to you. Clearly the problem is that you cannot cope with breakup pain, to the point that you end up having to go back and enduring some more punishment. In that case, I would strongly recommend that you go to counselling, to discuss with the counsellor finding a coping strategy that will allow you to handle the pain of breakup without going back.

 

In addition to that, there are the usual things, for example, write down a list of all of the bad points of the relationship (which could take a while from your description!), and stick on your wall. As far as possible (but within the limits of self-control) you must channel your frustration into anger towards her rather than pain towards yourself.

 

Depending on your work and financial situation, you could consider having some time off to help get past this really painful first couple of weeks, and even getting out of there and going on holiday, or to stay with friends.

 

All of these, and many more, can be discussed with a counsellor who will be able to give you a more in-depth plan to cope with the pain without giving in and going back for more. You really do need this to be the final time. I should finally add that 33 isn't too old for more single women by any means, but the longer you leave it, the harder it will become. You need to be available for the person that you will really spend your life with, as soon as possible.

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I didn't even have to read the entire post as I immediately became disgusted by some of the toxic behavior you mentioned your ex girlfriend dished out. I can guaruntee you, your life can be so much more positive and prosperous without this woman being a part of it. Sometimes we can't always help how we feel about a person, that's normal, you shouldn't feel bad about that. But that's when our logical skills come to mind and we have to really ask ourselves if this is what we want.

 

5 years is a long time indeed, but trust me you will be much better off leaving her behind in the rearview mirror and getting on with your life.

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Get your life back - its ROUGH i know. I'm going through it right now myself.

 

Similar situation but different.

 

He was also jealous and had these crazy bouts of jealousy - i gave up friends, hobbies, EVERYTHING. I have no idea who i am right now.

 

Its hard.. today for me has been rough- i'm kinda wandering around .. not sure what to do.... or where to go .. my old interests don't interest me right now- my old habits .. don't work anymore- I'm very lost.

 

The thing is ... if i stayed with my ex i would have NO hope.. it would NEVER change.. it would always be dark and gloomy- i would always have that voice in my head saying- I have to get out ..but i would be afraid....

 

now... now i don't feel so great.. right now i have tear stained eyes.. i'm not sure if i'm coming or i'm going ...but i KNOW a year from now ... ill be WAY better then i would be if i were still with him ... there is a light at the end of the tunnel that wasn't there a week ago.

 

so my advice, bite the bullet- make a life for yourself... don't go back- at least now you have an opportunity to find love.. real love .. with someone who will respect you and want you to grow and be a human...

 

so hold onto that... change your number.. in these situations we have to go complete and total NC.

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Thank you for taking the time to post.

 

Thats exactly what I was doing i.e. settling for less when I know I deserve much much better.

 

Perhaps, its best, as you suggest to seek counselling. I don't think taking a break from work would help me, as I actually feel better at work as im 100% committed to my work and it takes my mind off thinking about how nasty ive been treated over this long period of time. I know if i took time off work, id spend more time feeling sorry for myself and probably end up going back - I cant do that this time, I have to stay away. I will seek counselling as you have suggested.

 

I can't channel my hurt an pain into anger against her as I don't like getting angry with anyone. Yeah im very hurt and very annoyed at what she has done to me, but I feel it wrong that i get angry towards her - even though what you say its probably the best thing to do. Its just im not an angry sort of person. I treat everyone the way i like to be treated, depite what they have done to me. My mum and dad have been married almost 40 years now and I can honestly tell you that they have not once had an argument and it has been a true loving relationship. If there is such thing as saints, then they will definetly get that title. There was no anger shown in my life, hence, its hard for me to show any toward anyone else.

 

I'll never understand how someone can be so hurtful and nasty and get a kick out of being so at the expense of totally destroying another person's life. I just feel so empty and alone and very down. Im smart enough to know time is a healer, but also know my weakness is coping with this break up even though its obvious that the relationship is killing me anyway.

 

Im great at giving advice to others, but Im the worst at practicing what i preach,

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I can't channel my hurt an pain into anger against her as I don't like getting angry with anyone. Yeah im very hurt and very annoyed at what she has done to me, but I feel it wrong that i get angry towards her - even though what you say its probably the best thing to do. Its just im not an angry sort of person. I treat everyone the way i like to be treated, depite what they have done to me. My mum and dad have been married almost 40 years now and I can honestly tell you that they have not once had an argument and it has been a true loving relationship. If there is such thing as saints, then they will definetly get that title. There was no anger shown in my life, hence, its hard for me to show any toward anyone else.

 

I understand that, and it's laudable, but there is one person you're not treating fairly - yourself. When we are put in extremely difficult situations, as you have been, and we can't get out of them, we realise our lack of control. That creates enormous frustration inside us; this happens in all sorts of situations. The frustration can come out in only two ways; either externalised, in which case it is expressed as anger against someone or something else, or internalised in which case it is expressed as sadness/depression/emotional pain within ourselves. You don't have a third choice; either you feel the pain, or you express it towards a more deserving target. I think in this case, the latter would be more constructive. I understand your upbringing makes that terribly difficult though (which is another reason you've been in this situation for so long), and your parents sound like ideal people, so perhaps the counsellor will be able to help you work through that too.

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you have EVERY right to feel anger towards her. She took something from you. YOU.

 

anger is a natural emotion .. its a real emotion and it can not be denied.

 

she is wrong.. she is hurtful..and you SHOULD be angry with her.

 

i would strongly suggest you get into counseling.

 

I'm currently in counseling and i dont know what i would do without my counselor.

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I promise on monday i will be contacting a counsellor for helping me through this. I have just taken the sim card out of my phone, broke it in 2 and threw it in the bin. I'll get another number. I'll just have to take measures to ensure i stay away and do not contact her.

 

Someone posted that maybe i have some sort of emotional dependency - I see what you mean and this could be true. Although, i have to add, I do always end up feeling sorry for people that have physcological problems and give them the benefit of the doubt. I knew what my mum went through, although mum never ever showed any nasty side. I think that it could be true that I was in love with her and then developed in to some sort of dependency. But you are right, I need to seek professional help, to ensure I get me back and be free from any hurt and dependencies.

 

Thanks again for your help and support.

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