I Have Problems..

[Hockey.Chick]

I know I do. I'll even be the first person to admit that I have relationship problems. I just don't know how to handle them. I've tried things...and nothing seems to help.

 

I'm a jealous, obsessive, easily upset, and easily distressed person. When I'm with my boyfriend, I feel great. Everything is perfect, yadda yadda blah blah blah. But when I'm not with him, no matter who else I'm with, I feel anxious, worried, suspicious, anti-social, and depressed. I have a very high level of attachment to him. I love him very much and I know he loves me, but the types of anxiety I experience are not normal and I know they're not. I am absolutely jealous of anyone he has dated or slept with in his past, he knows this; I am always wondering what he is doing 24/7 when I'm not actually with him; I get upset over the slightest sign of any girl showing interest in him; when I wait for him to call me or whatever I feel anxious and moody because I hate the waiting and wondering.

 

The thing is, my boyfriend doesn't even give me reasons to be jealous, worried, suspicious, or upset. I cause problems between us occasionally because I fly off the handle for little things. I love him alot and I want to be with him forever, but the way I behave in relationships puts a lot of stress on everyone involved.

 

I don't act this way for no reason. Of course it is because of two past experiences I have had, both of which were LDRs. The first guy randomly vanished and stopped calling me and talking to me completely. That freaked me out a whole bunch (obviously) and made me feel horrible for months. Then the next guy I was in a LDR with cheated on me multiple times and after he visited me, went home and stopped talking to me as well. Once again I felt unloved, unwanted, and as if no guy ever wanted to be with me or cared about me. That's why I have developed intense trust issues and anxiety problems with relationships. My boyfriend feels at a loss because on those nights when I lie in his arms and cry for a long time about how messed up I am, the only thing he can do is reassure me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I believe him, but my issues still arise every day, for various reasons. I know I need help, but I don't know how to get it.

 

Some days it gets so bad, like when we have fights, that it makes me just hate everything and not know where to turn(and NO, I am not thinking about suicide, and I never have thought about it).

 

If anyone has any advice on how I can overcome my problems and live a happier life and not be stressed out with the person I love, it would be much appreciated.

[metrogirl]

Wow, that has got to be taking a toll on your relationship I would assume....

 

This boyfriend is not long distance correct?

 

Have you thought about seeking the help of a counselor to learn how to deal with these destructive feelings?

[annie24]

i think first off, you have to remember that your bf is not your exes. just because your exes were jerks doesn't mean that your current bf is.

 

next, do you have a full life? lots of friends, family, hobbies, career? you should focus on that. and perhaps talk to a therapist too to deal with the anxiety issues.

[Hockey.Chick]

 

This boyfriend is not long distance correct?

 

Have you thought about seeking the help of a counselor to learn how to deal with these destructive feelings?

 

 

Correct. In fact, he lives right accross the street from me. Which is physically easier but mentally more challenging to deal with at times, especially when I know that he's home but he's busy and not with me.

 

Gosh I'm awful....

[Hockey.Chick]

i think first off, you have to remember that your bf is not your exes. just because your exes were jerks doesn't mean that your current bf is.

 

next, do you have a full life? lots of friends, family, hobbies, career? you should focus on that. and perhaps talk to a therapist too to deal with the anxiety issues.

 

I have friends but they are growing apart from me...I do love my family and I have a few things that I like doing in my spare time. But the majority of my energy and attention is devoted to my boyfriend.

 

I've considered therapy. I have been to therapy in my younger years and it didn't really seem to help.

[annie24]

i think you need to get your life back in balance. i think your life should be like a meal - you know, a bit of salad, a bit of protein, a bit of bread or rice, and a nice dessert. not just one thing or the other exclusively. romance is like the dessert. really nice, but you can't make an entire meal of it. so try to cultivate some of your friendships again, reconnect with old friends, make new ones, and focus on some hobbies too.

[Ms Darcy]

I have friends but they are growing apart from me...I do love my family and I have a few things that I like doing in my spare time. But the majority of my energy and attention is devoted to my boyfriend.

 

I've considered therapy. I have been to therapy in my younger years and it didn't really seem to help.

 

 

I think the first thing that you need to do is to get into therapy. Your bf is not your therapist and he will eventually resent playing that role. It would make me wonder about the long term emotional stability of my partner if they were crying to me frequently seeking reassurance. That's not to say he doesn't love you but that he's not your healer; you are your own best healer. Therapy doesn't cure you. Therapy gives you tools to help cure yourself. I would suggest giving it another try and finding a counselor who gives you homework, doing the homework, and keeping a progress journal.

 

Second, try to start conducting your life as if you were happily single. Reconnect with your friends, spend more time with family, and focus on the things you like to do. I would also suggest maintaining a journal about your feelings. You don't need to share this with your bf but do note when you feel anxious, what triggers it, how long it lasts, and what is most helpful in stopping that feeling. Your bf is a real trooper for hanging in there, but I don't know if one can really hang in there with that much baggage forever. You are punishing your present due to sins of the past.