Confused And Lost

[Dean_Wincheste]

Hi everyone. Here's my problem. I met this girl around 3 months ago, totally randomly. On the night I met her I walked her home, we stayed up all night talking in her kitchen. We became friends, and started hanging out a lot. She doesn't have many good friends, neither do I, though we're both very sociable people.

 

One evening, I made a 'move'. I held her hand while we were watching a movie on her laptop, on her bed. The next time we saw each other, as I was about to leave, knowing I wouldn't see her for at least a week, I told her I'd miss her. She came up to me and kissed me. A week later, I cooked dinner at my flat, and we spent the whole evening cuddling and kissing, we later went to hers and kissed some more. We wouldn't see each other for two weeks after that, but I could rest easy this time, knowing we were officially together. She even referred to me as 'her man'.

 

Two weeks later we go to a concert together, and I sleep at her parents' place. I get on really well with them. After I go home, I feel uneasy about something. She had acted a bit cold and distant towards me while I was at her parents'. I text her asking her if I had done or said something wrong. No answer. It was clear something was wrong. A few days later she initiates a conversation on MSN and tells me that indeed we need to talk. She gives me a number of reasons for which she is supposedly angry at me (though they were bull * * * * reasons), I might give you the details in another post if anyone is interested. So she says she would rather we didn't see each other for a 'small while'. I didn't argue, I said fine.

 

A couple of weeks later I send her an email casually suggesting that we meet up for a drink. She says it's a good idea. When I see her she tells me I'm the dream guy for three quarters of girls out there, but she just can't do this. I say 'fine, let's just stay friends then' obviously not meaning a word.

 

I last saw her a few days ago, we had lunch together and it was really nice. She has been showing some interest in me, phoning me, IMing me... I never asked her for a straight answer because I didn't want to come accross as needy. But I would really like to know where I went wrong, or if it's just her who has issues.

 

She does have issues in fact. First, I'm 24, she's 18. Her father committed suicide last summer and she is still getting psychological help, though on surface she comes accross as an extremely balanced, in control kind of person. And she has her life totally under control, when it comes to her studies, health, organisation etc... She is very intelligent and has amazing knowledge about the world.

 

She has had a high number of boyfriends for someone her age (in my view), and the last one before me (whom she was still seeing when I first met her) was twice her age, 36!

 

So clearly she has issues. I know I didn't necessarily do much wrong. Yet I failed and am now in what appears to be the friends zone. What can, should I do? And any suggestions why one week she was crazy about me and the next she was cold and distant?

[anonguy77]

I am a little concerned about her distance. Have you been treating her the same this whole time? If so, it was something on her end that changed. From what you say, you may be one of a few or many current prospects which might explain the "I need space" thing. Best thing to do is back off a little. It will make her either miss or forget you. If she forgets you, then forget her. If she misses you, then maybe it's on! Good luck.

[D_Lish]

And any suggestions why one week she was crazy about me and the next she was cold and distant?

 

Yes....it's known as an interest that 'waned'.

 

My guess is, is that she hasnt been into you, in the way you'd assumed. Sort of like the guy who shows a massive interest one week and then POOF GONE....the next...- he had little interest also.

[Dean_Wincheste]

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if she had a few prospects and was still debating who to 'choose'. Back off for a while is exactly what I did, and she did get back to me recently and started showing interest that was somewhat similar to the kind she was showing in the early days.

 

But at the end of the day, it's only kisses on the cheek now and we're just friends, plus I am not going to see her for a few weeks, possibly more, as we are both busy and in different places. I can't help but think that it's over between us. We clearly like each other, we are physically and intellectually attracted to each other, but she doesn't want to be with me, apparently. It's strange, given that she made the first move, not me. You now, usually it's the guy who makes the first move.

 

I made what I think is a potentially lethal mistake though. As I was telling her a story about something that happened to me on that magical night when I cooked dinner and we spent the whole evening kissing, I casually mentioned that I was still a virgin. Do you think that might have freaked her out a little? (she is not a virgin).

 

Anyway, although I am hurting A LOT, I have never begged her to give me reasons or to get back with me. I just said 'fine, see ya, let's stay friends'. Not in these words obviously. But I think I may be in love with her, and although I have come to terms with the 'break-up', I still don't understand how she could break up with me so early on, when she had no obvious reason to.

 

I think she is emotionally messed up, immature, and confused. I played it cool all along. I tried very hard never to be needy. One other thing: she was doing all the chasing in the early stages, not me. And as soon as I showed her a little more interest and that I was starting to get attached to her, that's when she changed.

 

I really appreciate your help. It's great to have a community like this, where we can help each other out through difficult times, and where the more experienced can give sound advice to the less experienced like me. This was the first relationship I've been in by the way, which is why I am so upset and so affected by it. I'm also frustrated, because it was my first relationship and it had to end so soon and abruptly, for no apparent reason.

 

Cheers.

[D_Lish]

I can't and don't see why your being a virgin would freak her out to be honest. My first love, or the guy I consider to be my first love was a virgin, I wasn't....and it didn't put me off him.

 

When you say that you don't understand why she she was all over you one minute, cold and distant the next, I'm finding that hard to understand also. Because as a female and if I have strong feelings for a guy....they are feelings I am not able to just switch off and in the course of a week. This is why I'd said, that I think it was merely an interest that 'waned'. Anything stronger than an interest, isn't easy to switch off....

 

You will also find that with both sexes and in instances where one was the heavy pursuer and came on strong, they can turn their feelings just as quickly...

Don't ask me why because Im not one of those kinds of people....

 

End of day, only she knows why she did, what she did.....

[Dean_Wincheste]

You're right D-Lish. Thanks for your time. I think maybe she herself doesn't really know what she is doing. Oh well.

 

The thing is I'm not the kind of guy who settles for anyone. I'd rather be on my own than be with someone I wasn't crazy about. That wouldn't be fair to either the other person, or myself. The problem is when you meet someone you're crazy about, you tend to drive them away, as it is it is difficult to hide feelings.

 

Now I'm comfortable with the fact that what I truly want is a relationship and not a one night stand. However, some people argue sometimes you have to settle for less, so that you can 'train' or 'practice' for the time when you do meet that special person.

 

The problem is I know exactly what I want, and when I find someone I like, I couldn't imagine myself just suddenly changing my mind about that person. But many other people, it seems to me, are not like me. Many people don't know what they want, are insecure, and change their minds quickly.

 

If I dated a person I only kind of liked, but didn't see a future with them, I'd feel like I'd be dishonest and wasting both our times. However, loads of people seem to do this nowadays because it's all 'part of the fun' of being young and and dating loads of different people and experimenting without getting attached etc... I just can't do that. If I find someone I really like, I want to keep them. I am not going to start thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. Maybe it is, but so what? If I'm happy with that one particular person at one particular time, that's good enough for me. Rant over.

[D_Lish]

Well...she may go on to discover that the grass isn't greener and be back.

Then you have to decide whether or not, you want her back....

 

I'm the same. I couldn't string anyone along and in pretence it would lead to more....that aint my style. I'd also rather be alone, than have someone in my life for the sake of it, but not everyone is like that as you say. Some just have to have someone and because they are insecure, afraid to be alone, dont feel complete alone, etc...

I don't think it's a case of she didn't have feelings because at one time there may well have been feelings. But feelings can and do die. Some relationships just don't go on to stand the test of time and most of us have been in relationships that just didn't work out in the long run and for one reason or another.

 

It all adds to life experience.

[Ms Darcy]

Dean, I must say that you sound like you have some maturity and clarity in yourself so what baffles me is why you hooked up with this girl to begin with. She's very very young compared to you, with a different set of life experiences, and mostly she had a bf at the time that you two really started. Honestly, bud, you should have avoided that. Naturally, she's testing the waters and most likely just found someone else that fit her fancy. I would strongly encourage you to put thoughts of her out of your mind ... even if she were to come back. Best.

[Dean_Wincheste]

Ms Darcy: She had a boyfriend when we first met, but she soon broke up with him (he lived like 500 miles away and was twice her age). I am 100% certain that when we started going out, she was only seeing me. To this day I still don't know why after just one month she decided it was over between us, even though she made the first move. It's not like I'd been chasing her all the time and she grew tired and became bored...

 

She is indeed very young compared to me, but she is very mature for her age, and we enjoy each other's company. I know maturity when I see it. The problem is she is very complicated because on the one hand she is very mature and strong, and on the other she is vulnerable, hurting and lost (for reasons that I outlined in a previous post).

 

Now I don't know what I should do. If I leave her alone, she will probably get back to me in a matter of weeks, because she likes me, I have no doubts about that. She is currently away on holidays and is only coming back home at the end of the month. And God knows where I'll then be. So we will probably not see each other for a good while.

 

My problem is I'm now in the friends zone, meaning she will contact me when she sees fit, when she's bored or whatever, and that means I run the risk of being in a situation where I'm being 'used' by her emotionally. And of course, I don't want that to happen. Should I tell her how I feel next time I see her and say something like 'Look, I'm not sure I can go on with this. I'm not sure I want to just be friends with you. I need time to think. Bye.' Just to see how she would react?

 

On the other hand she is a great person, I really admire her, and it would be a real shame if I cut her off completely. So I'm torn between bidding her farewell for good, or keeping her as a friend, at the risk of suffering more in the future.

 

I also don't know if I should ask her why she wanted to end things with me. I never asked her, because I didn't want to come accross as needy or desperate to get her back. Do you think I could try to ask her, once the dust has settled, in a casual way? Saying that I would like to know if I went wrong somewhere along the line, so that I don't make the same mistake again with the next girl who comes along, for example?

 

I read an excellent thread that talks about 'Grass is Greener' syndrome. This is possibly what happened in my case.