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What in the world am I hanging onto??! Hope?!


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So I've been doing well lately. Seeing friends, doing what I like, taking better care of myself, basically being good to myself and looking out for me. I'm learning to be a more assertive person and set boundaries for the people who constantly break them. I've gone and flirted with a couple of girls as well. I've always been a loner, so it's not much trouble for me to enjoy life on my own.

 

The same day I do all of that, however, it all comes back to one person: My ex. I mean, I have a GOOD TIME on my own, and I don't need people around to make myself feel good. However, at the end of the day, it always comes back to me...hoping that this person I haven't even spoken to in 7 months will get her stuff straight down the line and not only hoping that she'll come around to see me when that happens, but that we'll even be together someday as better people.

 

People say "Work on you, forget about them." I AM working on me. I HAVE been. And it's done good things for me. But it's like I still have a special space for her. When things have gotten better for me like this, I can't help but wonder why the heck I still make a space in my mind to fit her into? Why bother hoping?

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I think because you haven't dated or involved yourself (from what it sounds) with other women a whole ton, you're still locked in the past.

 

You've done a good job on yourself and experiencing growth, but when you think of women and love you only have her as your most recent memory.

 

It's hard because who is to say you need to date right now? It might not be right.

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Sometimes it just takes longer than we think it should. It was over a year before I was able to actually sit down and even think about dating again, and even then, I didn't declare myself ready. It's been over two years now, and I'm now ready and able to move on. Some folks just take longer than others.

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The thing is, she could come up to me right now and say "let's give it another shot" and I wouldn't, because she could NOT get better in that period of time. So I know it's done, at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel that by feeling that, I've moved on because I know what was wrong, I know what needs to be done. I'm not sitting on my step waiting for her to show up anytime soon. And I flirt with these other girls and might even like to go out with one, but even if they're on my mind, there is that hope in the back of it.

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I think no matter how much you "work on yourself" or "have fun alone", you will always have a special place for someone you once loved and shared your life with. At least until you find someone else just as special as your ex, but in a different way.

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You know I use to feel the same way about my ex. I felt that if he came to me right now and said, "I love you. Let's get back together." I'd tell him to go shove it. However, if he came back to me a year or two from now, and he left the cult and was making his life better, I wouldn't mind starting over with him.

 

Now, I've convinced myself that I don't ever want to get back together with him. The fact that I want him as a "changed man", means I don't want him. If he changes, he's not him anymore, so it shouldn't matter whether I'm with him or someone else.

 

I think you need to let go of the fantasy of her. I'm sure you have this fantasy in your head where she'll become a brand new person down the road, come knocking at your door and jump into your arms and you both can pick up where you left off. That's a wonderful fantasy, but it's never going to happen. Even if your ex changes into a better person, who's to say she'll want to get back together with you.

 

I think the hardest part is accepting that the person is out of your life FOR GOOD and you'll never see them again. Even if that may not be true, accepting that and living like it's true, will help you move on. Otherwise, you'll always have her at the back of your mind along with all these "maybe one day . . .".

 

You've been doing really well. I think you just need to get over this last hump to completely let go of her. You can do it my friend. You're a strong person.

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The thing is, she could come up to me right now and say "let's give it another shot" and I wouldn't, because she could NOT get better in that period of time. So I know it's done, at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel that by feeling that, I've moved on because I know what was wrong, I know what needs to be done. I'm not sitting on my step waiting for her to show up anytime soon. And I flirt with these other girls and might even like to go out with one, but even if they're on my mind, there is that hope in the back of it.

 

there's a difference between believing something and knowing something. you believe that it's done...but you don't know it. that's where the hope comes in. there's still that little bit of resistance within you that is fighting against where you're at. doesn't sound like you're fighting the breakup itself...but you're still fighting the fact that she may never be a part of your life. would you say there's an element of pain involved? it might not be intense...just a little flicker when she crosses your mind?

 

are these other girls possibly a way to prove to yourself that you've moved on? but a part of you isn't completely accepting of moving on...it's still holding on. i don't think you need someone else to prove it to you. you just need to find it within yourself.

 

just my thoughts.

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I feel the same way, Seymore. I've always been a loner too...I spend hours reading, writing, studying, working on things and am pretty much OK with that. I am used to eating lunch alone in school at times, focusing on my work at work, and just generally going places by myself, even though I do have some friends I see every now and then.

 

But it comes to down to my ex too. I guess for some people, it's different...they miss having someone around. I guess I miss that in a way, but it's not really that. I could have people around if I call them, but I really don't just want *anyone* around. I'm also not really interested in having a new relationship, to be honest, even though it feels so urgent and I want to get married and settled. My heart isn't in it and I really don't care to spend my time with others 24/7.

 

It's just that I miss my ex. And I feel like he and some other people don't really get it. I mean, I'm not sitting here longing for my ex day in and day out (except today is a bit harder being that it's Saturday and I don't have plans)...but it's like I think about him and things I'd like to do with him. I know I could do stuff alone (sometimes I do), but it's not the same. I can go to the movies by myself or with friends and family or with a date, but we won't talk about the same things. With my ex, we'd laugh out loud during certain scenes, then we'd discuss things. My friends are cool but we don't do that. It's like a different "culture." There was a sense of beloning or shared "inside" identity with my ex.

 

It saddens me that my ex seemed to think we lost ourselves in the relationship. I admit that we both were feeling depressed, so we needed to do more about our situations. We DID need to grow. I realize now that i DID rely too much on him for my happiness. I should be more well-rounded, even now. I see myself staying in my comfort zones in many ways.

 

But at the same time, I loved him. I wasn't just with him for comfort. I liked being with him. We used to always say "I like you"...I'd even say that more than "I love you" even though I felt both. I just wanted to do more stuff together and he didn't want to.

 

These past two days I just keep thinking it's a shame that we can't get together and go for a hike or hit up the county fair like we used to. I mean, why do we have to set up these artificial boundaries or limits?

 

Why is life like this? We needlessly put up walls. I mean, you can't help it if the other person wants to be unhealthy or they don't want to try to make things better for themslves or the relationship...it's just, WHY?

 

I like to think you can do anything if you REALLY want to. Well, I really want to be with my ex and I am willing to work through things. But he's not. I guess he doesn't REALLY want to. But part of me feels like he still loves me, though he doesn't seem to want to be with me. I think talking to me or the thought of being with me makes him feel pain and restriction and reminds him of depresion.

 

I wish he could break those associations to me and just open his heart.

 

Sometimes things in life seem so unnecessary, so preventable. But people say stuff happens for a reason. I hope that's true.

 

I think we just have to let time do its thing if we're actively trying to get better (new hobbies, work, etc.). What else can we do? I pray, I read, I have taken up some new activities....but there is always downtime and the reality is that you get tired of trying to stay busy...sometimes you want to relax...I do...I've done a lot this week and now it's like I have no one to relax with. I know I have to live with that and just be happy alone for the most part, but I'm not going to say it's the best thing. We were made to be with other people, afterall.

 

I guess these feelings will go away when they're ready to. But I feel the same way...like I'm no longer actively thinking or hoping we'll get back together BUT part of me feels like there was so much potential...you know? A lot of love there that could have been used to work out the problems. I'm not an unreasonable person and my ex should have known that. I mean, he used to tell me how level-headed I was, but the way he ended it, it was like suddenly I felt like he saw me as someone who pressured him and burdened him.

I hated feeling like that. I just wanted him to communicate better with me and not dump stuff on me at the last minute like he did. I didn't know how much he was suffering. And I felt guilty for a long time because I thought his suffering was my fault.

 

I wish he would have told me how he felt, because I wanted to be supportive. But it was hard to be supportive when he basically broke off our enagagement at the last minuute and I didn't even see it coming.

 

I'm just sad this happened...it all seems like a misunderstanding or miscommunication. I have regrets too...I should have said and done different things...but I did the best I could and it wasn't enough for him. So I guess, with that, I have no choice but to just make the best of it.

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The thing is, she could come up to me right now and say "let's give it another shot" and I wouldn't, because she could NOT get better in that period of time. So I know it's done, at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel that by feeling that, I've moved on because I know what was wrong, I know what needs to be done. I'm not sitting on my step waiting for her to show up anytime soon. And I flirt with these other girls and might even like to go out with one, but even if they're on my mind, there is that hope in the back of it.

 

What can I say.... I've been in your shoes. I'm a loner too.

It's all so frustrating to go thru. One ex springs to mind right away. I also would never want to get back with him, and what's worse is that I'm in a relationship. But:

From time to time (this is years later) I find past painfull but also fun occurances/memories floating thru my mind and it still stings a bit. The other day we bumped into each other and it just hurt a bit, even though I was with my current bf (and things are great between us).

 

I guess when someone hurts us, sometimes it's just hard to move on? No matter how happy we are with life and/or love at that moment.

 

Hang in there.

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Thanks, guys. I guess I just really like the idea that she may still be thinking about me and that she might have the intention of looking me up down the road. If she just wasn't so nasty to me and got help sooner or at all for her issues, this could all have been avoided. I don't want to let go of that idea that I may still be in her heart and on her mind. I don't want to be forgotten.

 

The "new" girls - I'm not going out with, just flirting. I still feel like it's not time yet and that's why I don't get involved.

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I think you always have that special place in your heart for someone who you shared fond memories with. Be it family, friends, even exes. However, one big step to healing is to accept that you will never be "together" again, and that the break up is a break up for a reason. It is meant to be.

 

I wish well on my exes, despite the wrong they have done to me to result in a break up, and I do hope that they emerge as better individuals. But I do not care to see that change in them because I have to move on as well and learn from my experiences. I hope you continue your moving on process since it appears that you are doing a good job so far.

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I can understand this. I don't know if I entertain hope anymore for getting back "together", yet sense that we "could" be better people down the road, making our interactions positive, and somehow honoring our connection in a way that supports each of us. I'm confused even writing that, so please don't ask me to explain.

 

I know I want to be better without him that I was with him. I'm doing the same things you are, and basically feeling better about myself, and it's been about that long, 7 or 8 months since our break up.

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It's just that I miss my ex. And I feel like he and some other people don't really get it. I mean, I'm not sitting here longing for my ex day in and day out (except today is a bit harder being that it's Saturday and I don't have plans)...but it's like I think about him and things I'd like to do with him. I know I could do stuff alone (sometimes I do), but it's not the same. I can go to the movies by myself or with friends and family or with a date, but we won't talk about the same things. With my ex, we'd laugh out loud during certain scenes, then we'd discuss things. My friends are cool but we don't do that. It's like a different "culture." There was a sense of beloning or shared "inside" identity with my ex.

 

I know just how that feels. For the first time since the breakup, last night I REALLY wanted her in bed, just to hold. I'm one of those people who will find a good side to anything - after the breakup it was "Now I have the other 9/10ths of the bed to myself too, and don't have to sleep on the edge of my side". So I saw the positive in an empty bed. But last night I didn't NEED her in the bed, I WANTED her there. It kind of scared me, but I knew it was only going to last for that night. Still, it's one of the little things I miss. And I tried thinking to myself: "Would you want this girl instead? How about that one?", but no, it was her I thought about.

 

And I know what you mean by "better people", journey. I just wish the future would hold two "better people" that didn't really grow that far apart and could still start new together. There were some ways that we were so different, yet it still worked well.

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Seymore, you've come a long way here. I can understand how you feel, because as proud and stupid I am... I still cry in bed at night. It's a whole new life for us being single, especially after such a long relationship has ended. You're doing a good job going out and meeting new people, but I know how it is to have that "What if?" in the back of your mind. It takes some people much longer to move on, and it's not a bad thing, so don't worry! Some people take years to move on, so you're not alone. I am at 4 and a 1/2 months broken up with my ex, with on and off NC and LC and FC and blah blah blah!

 

In the end, remember these: NC, a change of scenery (join a new club, get a new haircut, etc), and trying to move on to other women. You don't have to have a relationship straight away. Just go out and have fun with women.

 

Good luck!

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Yep I'm a loner as well. I've never had a problem being alone...I thought. All alone today. Now I'm not so sure. When I read things like 'happiness is only real when shared' or 'only a life lived for others is worth living' I wonder about the loner tag. Anyhoo, somehow I think the 'what if's' and hope never goes away. Just fades a little with time, so hopefully less painful.

 

JW

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And I know what you mean by "better people", journey. I just wish the future would hold two "better people" that didn't really grow that far apart and could still start new together. There were some ways that we were so different, yet it still worked well.

 

i take it that's not a possibility?

 

have to admit...i've been subject to that particular thought on a few occasions.

 

seems like it's always a possibility...but whether or not you choose to hope for that is up to you. hope is a strange phenomenon. in one respect...it feels

good to know that you haven't given up...but there's always the other side of the coin. if you have hope...it means you're holding onto some kind of resistance...and that always hurts...even if it just a little.

 

you ever think about contacting her, seymore?

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Try to be emotionally clear...what did the good times/the good memories with your ex trigger or awake in what you needed but didn't get in the past? A lot of our emotional ties hurts yearnings and expectations lie there.

 

How can we get them met now in other ways?

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i take it that's not a possibility?

 

have to admit...i've been subject to that particular thought on a few occasions.

 

seems like it's always a possibility...but whether or not you choose to hope for that is up to you. hope is a strange phenomenon. in one respect...it feels

good to know that you haven't given up...but there's always the other side of the coin. if you have hope...it means you're holding onto some kind of resistance...and that always hurts...even if it just a little.

 

you ever think about contacting her, seymore?

 

It is a possibility, but her problems would require possibly years of therapy. The hope does not lie in the now. Besides, from what I hear, she ships out to the Marines in less than a month. But I'm not contacting her. When she gets her stuff straight, she knows how to find me. She needs to find herself and get help...herself. It's been too short of a time period for any major changes to have taken place, and I most certainly don't want to end up in an abusive relationship again.

 

Canali, the good times triggered a feeling of closeness, a feeling of peace, almost. Unfortunately, all too often the other shoe would drop, often times the same day, and I was met with yelling and fits of anger or a flat-out crap attitude, often times with me not even knowing where it came from. But just to see her smile and feel that connection while she was feeling ok, it felt like all was right with the world, like it was just us, and everyone else played the background.

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