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Break up might be on the cards, really need advice.


astrobaby

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Hi all,

 

Well i never thought i'd have to make another thread on ena again, but here i am. I wound up here after a bad break up and a severe broken heart back in 07. I got past it and am stronger and wiser for the experience.

 

Anyway, i've been with my current gf for about 14 months now. We love each other very much. We've had arguments and issues, but we work through them, and we're solid.

 

We both live and work in a small village, which we're both ready to leave again, and have been making plans to do so. She wants a new job as she is very fed up with the one she has, and i want to go and do teacher training at university. Start a new career. So we're planning to move and start afresh. We're almost there. Very nearly.

 

We had an argument yesterday, nothing major, just crossed wires really.

 

I go into work to see her today, and she is very cold and standoff-ish. She tells me that she doesn't know anymore, that she thinks we're not right for eachother and that we will inevitably break up sooner or later, so maybe we should go our separate ways. That she doesn't know what she wants (for months she was going on about us moving away together).She thinks we should have a 'break' from eachother for a bit so she can figure out what she wants. She also told me that im great, and that she does love me very much.

 

I told her how much i love her, that i disagree, and that it would foolish to throw in the towel now when we're so close to fulfilling our plans. I have to admit, if i lose her i willl be broken hearted again, very sad, and very lonely. I could feel that heartbreak feeling just having the conversation.

 

So, she's coming round tonight for dinner and we're going to talk about it.

 

Obviously im hoping to talk her round and get us past this, but if anyone has experienced something similar, any advice would be greatly appreciated, or any ideas what i should say to her. And if we do go on a 'break' from eachother, how should i behave? Total no contact(hard as we work together, but outside of that)? Grand romantic gestures? Occasional small gestures (i miss you texts etc)?

 

Thanks.

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I'm sorry your heart is hurting. I don't believe that there's a "right thing" to say that will make her stay or change her mind if she wants to go. It sounds like you're good at speaking from your heart and I imagine you'll do more of that tonight. Whether it will tug at her heart strings is another issue. Since she says she loves you, it's likely not "You" but rather all the big changes that getting her a little scared and hesitant. As the converstaion progresses, you might find that she doesn't want to leave home and either you'll end up going on ahead without her or sticking around. Or you may go and she may decide to follow. There's no way of knowing and you'll find out a lot more tonight. I imagine the waiting is killer and I'd be really anxious myself in your shoes.

Prepare a nice dinner, try to understand where she's coming from (without getting angry or judgemental) and speak from your heart. Whatever will be, will be.

*Best wishes*

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Just try your best not to be nervous, and if she does want to break up then all you can do is agree with her. Say something along the lines of "I really don't want this for us but if you think this is what we need then I have to respect your decision". And then you go NC. But you can't really do much until you talk. You haven't broken up yet. Just be yourself and don't fight her, coz you will push her into her corner she doesn't want to be in. Empathise, and you won't go down in her estimation.

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Thank you for those kind words. I know there isn't a right thing to say as such, just wondered if anything occurred to someone, a point i should raise perhaps, i'm not sure. I'm just trying to get any ammo i can scrape together i think. Erratic, i know.

 

I know she does really want to go, and she will most definitely go on somewhere else whether we're apart or together. I think one issue is that she's not sure i really want to, and that if we don't work out i'll blame her for making me move. Which isn't the case. I guess one thing i should assure her of is that then. I think it's many small things.

 

It just seems so daft and foolish to me, seeing as we love eachother.

 

Yes the waiting is a killer.

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Ok just wanted to say thanks again for the advice from both of you, i followed it to the letter. Think i just needed a steadying hand to guide me along.

 

It went ok. Not great, but not bad. I spoke from the heart (she got all teary) and she basically said she's still not sure but she would see me tomorrow. She still needed to think. I said i respect your wishes if that's what you need to do. The general vibe was encouraging. Better by the end of the visit than at the beginning anyway. As she left she gave me a big cuddle and a nice kiss.

 

So no guarantee yet, but at least i feel better than i did. If anyone has any other advice on how to proceed from here, i'm all ears.

 

If it all goes awry, then im sure i'll be back on here soon enough lamenting and licking my wounds.

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Hi Ms Darcy. No massive issues. It seems she's just worried that in some ways we're not right for eachother. I'm a very laidback guy, where as she's used to more.... not sure how to put this... constantly on the go kind of guys, more spontaneous maybe?

 

Not that i dont have those attributes, but i had a traumatic experience in the couple years before i met her (2 years caring for my terminally ill mother, she died 2 months before i met her) which did somewhat alter my personality, though i do try to bring the 'old' me back. My confidence seemed to suffer, for whatever reason.

 

Though she has said previously im the first guy in a long time she can see a future with, now she says she's not sure if she can.

 

But she does love me very much. Like i said the outcome of last night seemed positive so maybe she's just having a jittery phase where we're concerned. Later on last night she sent me a text saying 'goodnight babe will c u soon xx' so at least i know she was thinking about me, and also seems positive.

 

If anyone has any thoughts, im still all ears.

 

I'm still nervous though. I really don't want to lose her. I've been though heartbreak enough already and to see the plans i've made dashed yet again....

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