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Feeling lonely and lethargic


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Hi all,

 

It's been 60 days or so of NC with my ex of 3.5 years. I've been making a lot of progress these last two months. I have lost a lot of weight. I've made many new friends. I've been going out. I've picked up new hobbies. However, right now, everything seems so dark and drab. I don't want to do anything. I have lots of things I SHOULD be doing, but the last few days, I just wanted to stay in bed and veg.

 

While I don't necessarily miss my ex. I miss having someone so badly. I'm so lonely and it's not lonely for friends, because I have friends that I could be with right now. I'm missing that special connection I had, when I was with my ex. I miss knowing that he loved me and I loved him in return. I miss knowing that no matter what, I had someone there I could call on at all times, someone who cares about the trivial matters in my life. I miss the companionship and the human contact.

 

I feel so pathetic for feeling this way. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't be so needy. I should be happy by myself . . . but I'm not and it's killing me. I don't want to do anything, but sit in bed and cry. I know that things will get better, but the more time that passes, the stronger this yearning for love and companionship gets. I just wish I could make this yearning go away. My life has gotten so much better since my breakup, yet I'm becoming a sobbing mess. This doesn't make any sense to me.

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Im only half way of your time.. im going on 30 days of NC, but she NC'd me..I know exactly how you feel, but picking up on your mood in the post I will say this..being happy for yourself and not having someone else or the connection to be happy is a great relief..This is the first lesson I have learned while in NC..NOT to rely on another person for my happiness.. Granted we are creatures of comfort, we love that connection, we love that feeling that someone else holds value to us and us to them. I think with time this to shall pass..when you reach that point that your happy with someone and without someone, that will be a great day..I have learned so much about myself in only 30 days, and I have such big goals headed my way..Im learning to not depend on another person for my own happiness or self esteem..just hang in there and youll be fine.

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We have all felt this way.

 

To me, I stopped concentrating my attention on what I was lacking. When we "miss" something we are really not accepting our present situation as it is right now.

 

This relates also on how we we are feeling. If we are experiencing an emotion, no matter how unpleasant it is, we need to accept that we have that feeling. Accept it for the fleeting feeling that it is, without judging it or ourselves for having it, and without the desire for it to be other than it is (for how can something be other than it is?). It is only an emotional reaction to what we are thinking. When we fight with that emotion when we experience it, we are creating thoughts again along the same lines (feedback) and the cycle continues without end. We are then caught up in a loop. In realizing this, its effects seem to diminish.

 

When thinking that things "should" be different, we are fighting with what is. That is a battle that we just cannot win. It can lead to suffering.

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Hi Effervescent, I feel the same way today. I'm a little over 2 months away from my break-up from our 2.5 year long relationship. We've been in NC or very low LC since the break.

 

"I miss knowing that no matter what, I had someone there I could call on at all times, someone who cares about the trivial matters in my life. I miss the companionship and the human contact."

 

I am right here with you on this one. The loss of my sweetheart just plain hurts. I can rationally tell myself it will be ok and I'm getting better. That I'll eventually find someone else to love, who will love me back. And yet, when things are feeling lonely and dark, I miss him and am still feeling pain and yearning.

 

It's hard not to "should all over yourself", as I've seen other posters phrase it. Yes, there are plenty of things we "should" be doing to keep moving forward with our lives. I am feeling guilty for not being out and about this beautiful Saturday morning, for example. I should be out hiking, or eating brunch with friends, or at least taking my dog to the park. I should be focused on myself and my happiness and not dwelling on my ex.

 

And yet, you know what? The only thing we "have" to do in this life is keep breathing. Really. Everything else is optional and will come with time. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway!

 

You sound like a beautiful person who is recovering from heartbreak with honesty and grace. Know that you're not alone. And thank you for sharing your pain. I am taking comfort today, knowing that you are out there somewhere feeling the same way I do.

 

be well!

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I have those days. You have the days where you know everything you need to do to feel better, and you have the happy days. Then you have the odd day where you want to veg. Nothing's wrong with vegging one in a while. But that's how I got into going for more walks. A couple times a week I'll walk, maybe for 1 mile, maybe 4 miles. Something about it just gets things out of your system.

 

But when you have those really rotten, cloudy days, it's tough to know what to do. I hear people on here all the time saying "Don't think about it. Don't think about him, etc.", and then I turn around and read books saying "Be with the pain, allow yourself to grieve." It's times like that when I wonder if anyone knows what the heck they're talking about anymore.

 

I hope you feel better.

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I think with time this to shall pass..when you reach that point that your happy with someone and without someone, that will be a great day..I have learned so much about myself in only 30 days, and I have such big goals headed my way..Im learning to not depend on another person for my own happiness or self esteem..just hang in there and youll be fine.

 

I've never depended on anyone for my own happiness and self-esteem. I've always depended on myself for my own happiness and right now it seems that I'm letting myself down.

 

We have all felt this way.

 

To me, I stopped concentrating my attention on what I was lacking. When we "miss" something we are really not accepting our present situation as it is right now.

 

When thinking that things "should" be different, we are fighting with what is. That is a battle that we just cannot win. It can lead to suffering.

 

That's very good advice. It seems the more I hate the way I feel, the worse I feel. It's a vicious cycle. I need to take myself back to the here and now. Life is ok. I should be happy with the here and now, instead of wishing things were different.

 

Hi Effervescent, I feel the same way today. I'm a little over 2 months away from my break-up from our 2.5 year long relationship. We've been in NC or very low LC since the break.

 

You sound like a beautiful person who is recovering from heartbreak with honesty and grace. Know that you're not alone. And thank you for sharing your pain. I am taking comfort today, knowing that you are out there somewhere feeling the same way I do.

 

be well!

 

 

Thank you. I know it sounds horrible in a way, but it's always a little comforting to know that you're not the only one in the world feeling the way you do. I hope that we both can be strong and look back on this months from now and realize how far we've made it.

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I have those days. You have the days where you know everything you need to do to feel better, and you have the happy days. Then you have the odd day where you want to veg. Nothing's wrong with vegging one in a while. But that's how I got into going for more walks. A couple times a week I'll walk, maybe for 1 mile, maybe 4 miles. Something about it just gets things out of your system.

 

But when you have those really rotten, cloudy days, it's tough to know what to do. I hear people on here all the time saying "Don't think about it. Don't think about him, etc.", and then I turn around and read books saying "Be with the pain, allow yourself to grieve." It's times like that when I wonder if anyone knows what the heck they're talking about anymore.

 

I hope you feel better.

 

Thanks Seymore. I just hate vegging. It's counter-productive. I just feel like I have no motivation to do anything anymore. It's a horrible feeling. It's like something inside of me just gave up today. I feel defeated by myself and that's not a good feeling. I'm going to force myself to do something today. I hope you feel better too!

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I had to basically yell at myself to go outside and walk 3 miles this morning. I sat around from 7-noon vegging (for the most part). Sometimes it takes a little extra to get you moving. And now I'm vegging again before I have to go out in a couple hours. I'm just glad I did something today, though.

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I feel so pathetic for feeling this way. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't be so needy. I should be happy by myself . . . but I'm not and it's killing me. I don't want to do anything, but sit in bed and cry. I know that things will get better, but the more time that passes, the stronger this yearning for love and companionship gets. I just wish I could make this yearning go away. My life has gotten so much better since my breakup, yet I'm becoming a sobbing mess. This doesn't make any sense to me.

 

 

I'm at about the 2 and half month point out of what was a very intense 6 month relationship...and I too struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to put together what feels like meaningful activities in my day...the fact is, we have been through enormous emotional and even biochemical changes because of our breakups. The depressive symptoms we have are normal, and healthy in the sense that I believe it's our body's way of recalibrating from having been connected to someone who is not there anymore. The wakefulness, the loss of appetite, the feelings of vulnerability and hopelessness...we would be crazy if we didn't feel these things.

 

I have been in this place before over the years, and have tried to "busy" away my feelings through activity and dating and so forth...and in the end, I still have to feel my feelings before I can move on. Other posters here have said great stuff...accept that is what you are doing to heal. This stuff does pass, and along the way, it makes us deeper, more self aware people with a greater capacity to love and be loved, even though now it likely feels that day will never come again. Hang in there!

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60 days is not much time really, that is why you're feeling this way. Give yourself time to let go of the relationship and you will slowly stop missing him. You may keep on missing "someone" though, I guess once you've experienced the joy of loving & being loved it is a little hard to go back to "loneliness".

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