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First love getting married...feeling down


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Hi everyone,

 

I just found out that my first love, the girl that I lost my virginity (and she lost hers to me) to, is getting married. It just hurts and I'm not sure why. We dated for 2.5 years, and we broke up about 4 years ago. She and her fiancee have dated roughly that long too. We had always talked about getting married and having kids, and then we broke up. I had thought I was over her, but the way I'm feeling right now makes me think I was wrong.

 

I'm not sure why I'm feeling depressed about this. Maybe its because that door is officially being closed and in my mind I had thought there was a slight chance of it being open. Maybe its because she found happiness before I did, since she's getting married and I've never told anyone else that I love them, and I'm in a relationship that I'm really not sure why I'm even staying in it. Maybe its because I'm idealizing what we had had into something so much more perfect than it really was. Our relationship was amazing at times, but we did get into a lot of little squabbles. And then she treated me like crap in the last 3 months, and left me for someone else (not this guy). Then a year later during winter break (college), she contacted me (on what would have been our anniversary) and we started talking again, went out on a few dates, everything seemed like it was going back on track, and then when she went back to school she just stopped responding to my phone calls and texts. I felt like my feelings were just stomped on and she didn't even care.

 

Maybe it hurts because I feel like somehow, at certain moments I could have changed all this from happening. Although I know the fights were started equally, I feel like I could have done more to avoid them. Also, during the break up process (happened over the course a month) I let my emotions get the best of me and I said some really stupid things that I'm sure hurt/destroyed the chances of us ever getting back together. Since then, I deliberately don't ever let my emotions come into my decision making.

 

Ugh...I'm rambling probably, but does anyone have any experiences with this? Any insight would be great as to how I can stop feeling this way, or at least why I'm feeling this way. Thanks

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I think it is natural to feel sad when someone you once loved gets married while you feel like you are just plodding along. It is like they have moved on with their life while you feel stuck in a rut. This too shall pass. Once they are actually married you will forget about it as you move on with your life.

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It sounds like you have a really good handle on why this is all happening. I think it's perfectly natural to feel the way you're feeling. Maybe it'll be the catalyst for moving on in a truer sense and finding someone you're really happy with, love and want to spend your life with.

Best wishes.

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Wow, there are so many parallels to your story that I can think of.

 

Basically, I dated a girl for roughly 3 years. The last few months were awful -- she turned completely cold and cheated on me. I broke it off and moved away, quickly.

 

It's been about 3 years since the end of that relationship, and I find out two lovely bits of information the other day that really threw me for a loop:

 

First, she's pregnant. Second, she's getting married.

 

Post-relationship I was cordial. She even admitted to me that she wanted to come back, but as I had moved away -- this was a near impossibility. I played along for about two years, keeping in touch with her semi-regularly. Then, I find out last year that she's seeing someone else. Yep, you better believe that one hurt. I decided NC was the right thing to do.

 

That worked reasonably well for a while. She'd wish me a happy birthday/happy holidays/etc.. I wouldn't answer. Then, I broke down and responded to her. Definite mistake. We'd talk once every couple months, and only for short "Hope all is well" conversations. I didn't want to know anything about her life and I made that clear to her. Fast forward to last week, and I find out she's getting married, etc..

 

Yeah man, that one hurt quite nicely. I can reasonably say that it was an ego bomb. And you know what? I tell her that I heard she's getting married, and I wish her well (hoping that would end any future conversations). She tells me that, essentially, "she still thinks about me a lot." What does that mean?? I tell her to absolutely stop contacting me. Two days later, she finds a way to contact me - and I haven't/won't respond.

 

I'll be the first to admit that for 3 years, I have thought about her every single day. I have to reconcile the fact that she cheated on me (and, therefore is not good for me) with the fact that I loved her dearly.

 

Let's go through some of your stuff:

 

 

Maybe its because that door is officially being closed and in my mind I had thought there was a slight chance of it being open. Maybe its because she found happiness before I did, since she's getting married

 

EXACTLY. I feel the same way. Coupled with the fact that she's pregnant really knocked me down. (Not to sound barbaric, but who wants to think of their ex having sex with someone else?) I haven't dated anyone seriously since we broke up -- and it almost feels like I was left behind.

 

 

Maybe its because I'm idealizing what we had had into something so much more perfect than it really was.

 

I would bet that it's something like this. I still idealize our relationship -- even though it was seriously broken.

 

 

Our relationship was amazing at times, but we did get into a lot of little squabbles. And then she treated me like crap in the last 3 months

 

Yup. Same. Exact. Thing.

 

 

then when she went back to school she just stopped responding to my phone calls and texts

 

I would think of this as a godsend. I wish my ex would leave me alone, seriously. NC. NC. NC.

 

Maybe it hurts because I feel like somehow, at certain moments I could have changed all this from happening

 

I feel like this, too.

---

 

I don't know if I helped you too much, as I'm really dealing with the same thing. Perhaps a little bit of insight on my part might help.

 

I sleep at night knowing that while she's getting married and pregnant, she still thinks of me -- and how truly wrong that is. I mean, how wrong is that? I almost feel sorry for her fiancé. Poor guy, he has to marry this crazy one -- who still desires some connection and feeling for her ex.

 

It's a bit late, so I'll expound more later, for sure.

 

Oh, and I learned something new:

 

From now on, anytime I hear the words "God's plan" - I'm going to automatically assume "Birth-control failure".

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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