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Boyfriend asking about the attractiveness of his male friends...


The Sleeper

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Today when I went to visit my boyfriend, we began to talk about one of our friends, Rachel, and who out of his friends might be good for her.

 

From there the conversation took a turn to him asking me my opinion on the physical attractiveness of his friends. He basically named people and asked me to rate them. At first it wasn't a problem because the first person he named was not very attractive in my opinion, so I said 4/10 no harm done. I thought he was just going to stop at that. Turns out he planned on giving me the names of various other people that he and I both knew. He then named his best friend, one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in my life and I tried to get out of it and tell him that was enough, and I didn't feel like discussing this with him. He replied with "Oh, c'mon, I won't care" so I was forced into naming Richard a 9/10. I really wanted to lie, but 1.) I'm the worst liar, I really can't lie it's always really obvious and 2.) it would just look ridiculous to name this guy anything less than that, as he obviously looks great and gets a lot of female approval. He's really a 10/10 I could only get away with bringing it one notch down without getting caught in the lie.

 

Of course, despite his "I won't care" statement, my boyfriend got all upset that I thought so highly of his friend, despite the fact that I explained to him that he himself is a 10/10 and no one else could compare to him and that I adore the way he looks.

 

When I love someone, they look better than everyone else to me, and there's no on the planet I'd rather look at then them. That's just how I am. I know the general consensus among females would be that Richard looks 10 times better than my boyfriend, but I don't have the same opinion as all the other females do, so it doesn't matter.

 

Anyway, I hate the fact that I made him upset, and I also hate the fact that he asked me a question like that. I feel like we'd both be happier had Richards incredible handsomeness gone unsaid.

 

Was I supposed to lie? I feel really bad that I hurt his feelings, but since he told me he wouldn't care I thought it would be okay to give my honest opinion. Besides, my only option when faced with a question like that is to either give my honest opinion or not answer, because like I stated above, I really can't lie.

 

Can you people tell me what I was supposed to have done?

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IMO he asked, you tried to dodge it, he persisted and you told him. If he is upset about it, then it is on him at this point. I think you did what anyone would have done, it sucks, but it is completely his fault.

 

Probably though, if I was in that situation, I wouldn't actually rate them. I would just say, she is unattractive, she is attractive (but not as attractive as you) and not go into anymore detail than that. Oh well, you live and you learn.

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Can you people tell me what I was supposed to have done?

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. He pushed and pushed for answers and then gets upset with you? If he didn't want to hear the truth then he shouldn't push you to be honest.

 

This reminds me of when girls ask their boyfriend's questions like: "Do you think I'm getting fat?", or "Do these jeans make me look fat?", and when he says yes, she gets all upset and angry at him. It's ridiculous (imo).

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. If he insists on sulking about it, I would say he's being rather immature.

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This reminds me of when girls ask their boyfriend's questions like: "Do you think I'm getting fat?", or "Do these jeans make me look fat?", and when he says yes, she gets all upset and angry at him. It's ridiculous (imo).

 

Lol, I just say I like everything that they show me. If it really did make them look terrible, which is unlikely, I would say something like, "I like those pants better." dodging the question.

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You didn't do anything wrong. He was foolish to ask. My motto is "never ask a question unless you can handle the truth".

 

For myself, I would have said something like "I'm not going to get into that; it's never productive." And then simply refused to "rate" anyone.

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Agreed with the others -- you didn't do anything wrong. And pressed in that situation, I think I'd do what you did. Too much dodging only makes a person even more insecure.

 

Which is one reason I've been guilty of similar types of things as what he did. I try not to go there, but sometimes I feel the need to know something, even if it feels wrongly masochistic to fish around for that. And when someone starts to evade me, I feel I'm being dismissed and patronized. So it sucks from start to finish, the whole dynamic. The difference is, I really don't hold it against the person, and try to keep to my end of the bargain by dealing with whatever is told to me within myself. I figure, I brought this upon myself, I'd better not put the other person in this no-win bind.

 

 

When I love someone, they look better than everyone else to me, and there's no on the planet I'd rather look at then them. That's just how I am. I know the general consensus among females would be that Richard looks 10 times better than my boyfriend, but I don't have the same opinion as all the other females do, so it doesn't matter.

 

Wow, this is exactly how I feel too, when I'm with someone. EXACTLY to the letter.

 

If he continues to feel bad, why don't you tell him this:

 

"Richard's a 9, but you are a 10. A ten, a ten, a ten. I don't want Richard when I look at him. I want YOU when I look at you."

 

And that's the truth. Because even though Richard may be a 10/10, your bf is a 20/10 to you.

 

Maybe you can even say THIS.

 

It's totally honest.

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I think tiredofvampires gives some good advice on how to reassure him, but I did want to add something. After reassuring him, try to let it go. Don't fuss over him/this topic too much, or (in a very real sense) you're actually rewarding his insecurity (with extra love, attention, praise, etc). If he already has a predilection for this kind of overreaction, it won't help him overcome it if he begins to associate such outbursts with praise and support; indeed, it will only encourage him. I know this from experience - my own fiancee has only recently admitted/realized that part of the reason she allows her jealousy to become an "outburst" (so to speak) is because she knew (subconsciously) that she would be given extra emotional support, reassurance, validation, and attention by doing so. It's a crappy way to go about getting those things, but there it is. It can become a habit, one that you're not quite aware of.

 

So keep in mind that how you deal with this does, to some extent, set a precedent (at least in your partner's own mind). Set a standard that you're happy to maintain, not one that would weary you to revisit.

 

Just something to keep in mind...

 

Good luck.

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Thank you all for your thoughts/advice. I’m happy to be reassured that I didn’t do anything wrong, because I feel guilty that he’s upset. After I said it, he got sulky and kept bringing it up and I could tell it got to him. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, because you guys are right in that he totally brought it upon himself. People shouldn’t ask questions they don’t want to hear the answers to, and he had to have seen that one coming anyway. That, and it annoys me that he doesn’t realize how much I love him and how highly I think of him, and his looks. I tell him all the time.

I think the situation is slightly amplified by the fact that this guy has been his best friend for a long time, and he’s one of those golden people that’s perfect at everything and he’s always better at everything than my boyfriend. I’ve personally never experienced having such a person as a best friend, but I have empathy, and I know that it must feel horrible.

My boyfriend stopped talking about it and sulking towards the end of the night, so I’m not sure if bringing it up again randomly would be a good idea, but then again, I’m not sure if he’s stopped thinking about it, or if he just chose to stop talking about it.

 

 

Probably though, if I was in that situation, I wouldn't actually rate them. I would just say, she is unattractive, she is attractive (but not as attractive as you) and not go into anymore detail than that. Oh well, you live and you learn.

 

Lol, I would have done so as well, except he specifically asked me “On a scale of 1-10 how attractive is so and so.” (He’s real big on scales).

 

For myself, I would have said something like "I'm not going to get into that; it's never productive." And then simply refused to "rate" anyone.

 

At first I tried going that route, but I think along the same lines as tiredofvampires. I knew that refusing to would only make it obvious that I think highly of him, especially since I screwed myself over by having no problem in rating the first guy he mentioned (I wasn’t aware there was more to come).

 

Wow, this is exactly how I feel too, when I'm with someone. EXACTLY to the letter.

 

That’s crazy. Glad you share the opinion. I wish there were more people on the planet that thought that way. I personally have yet to meet a male who does…

 

this is the same style of questioning as 'do these jeans make me look fat?' etc. etc.

 

We guys learn to lie because the truth is not worth the hassle.

 

I think it’s too late for me to start learning how to lie though. I’m usually pretty big on honesty, however, if I were good at lying, I totally would have lied in this situation.

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At first I tried going that route, but I think along the same lines as tiredofvampires. I knew that refusing to would only make it obvious that I think highly of him, especially since I screwed myself over by having no problem in rating the first guy he mentioned (I wasn’t aware there was more to come).

 

Yes, I understand. Your approach made sense. My point was that this is the approach to take straight away, rather than waiting until the sore point (the rating of the attractive friend). He wouldn't have been insecure if you'd shut him down right away, because he would know you weren't so into this 4/10 guy that you wouldn't answer...

 

Anyway, what's done is done. You were honest, and you didn't mean to hurt his feelings. Those are good things. He, on the other hand, is being unfair to you - by badgering you for honesty, and then punishing you for giving it. How do you solve this? If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up. If he does, don't bite. Allow yourself to be mildly irritated, rather than apologetic; that communicates that you don't take this other guy (nor the topic) seriously. If you get into it, start apologizing, etc, then in a way you're magnifying the whole thing in his mind. So yeah. I'd act like it's nothing - a slightly irritating nothing. Put the focus, should it come up, on his unfair expectations, and not on the guy.

 

My two cents...

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After reassuring him, try to let it go. Don't fuss over him/this topic too much, or (in a very real sense) you're actually rewarding his insecurity (with extra love, attention, praise, etc). If he already has a predilection for this kind of overreaction, it won't help him overcome it if he begins to associate such outbursts with praise and support; indeed, it will only encourage him.

 

So keep in mind that how you deal with this does, to some extent, set a precedent (at least in your partner's own mind). Set a standard that you're happy to maintain, not one that would weary you to revisit.QUOTE]

 

This is an excellent point. I am glad that you empathize and understand his point of view; I would also encourage you to remember (in general) not to reward his insecurity as it will likely pop up in other places. If he happens to bring this up again, I would calmly but firmly assert that he asked the question and you gave the answer honestly and that your rating on others has any bearing on your feelings for him.

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