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Can't think rationally right now


StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903

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To preface: I'm a 23-year-old male virgin. Mostly it has not been by choice, although on some level I don't think I was ready until about a year and a half ago to have sex. At any rate, pretty much since this past New Year's, it's been much more nervewracking for me than ever before, largely because I've also realized that I suffer from social anxiety. I've realized that, on their own, neither virginity nor social anxiety is that insuperable. But the combination of the two is what does it for me. It's torture because both of these issues antagonize one another.

 

It's not that I've never been in a relationship before; I've even engaged in heavy petting and oral sex (giving), but whether it's my own insecurities around sex or other people's, intercourse has never happened. There have been two women this year who I thought might be able to take my virginity, and both times things went sour.

 

For my own reasons, I don't think my first time should be with someone "special," but I'm fairly opposed to hiring a prostitute.

 

Anyway, one of my dilemmas has been whether or not to tell women I may be with that I've never had sex. It's sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't. I didn't tell the two aforementioned women, and the ambiguity was so distressing to me that I decided after the last time that I would be open about it from then on just to avoid that kind of ambiguity.

 

So, on to the problem at hand. Recently I was talking to a female co-worker of mine about my struggles with virginity and social anxiety. She confessed to me that she had actually deflowered a friend of hers in a similar situation (though he was about 28). I haven't harboured any illusions about a relationship with this friend, as she's moving quite far away in a few weeks, but I brought up the situation with her over Facebook and she asked me whether I might like her to take my virginity, to which I readily agreed.

 

Here's the problem: with everything that's happened with my sex life, I can't shake this irrational feeling that something's going to go sour this time too. She's going to get cold feet, I'm going to say something insensitive, or the universe is going to conspire against me to make this not happen yet again. I've been really nervous about making her feel in any way "loose" (she even said half-jokingly in her email to me that she might be evolving into the sex-for-compassion lady).

 

I've been hoping to see her at work, and when I spoke to her on the phone last, she told me she was supposed to come in today, but I didn't see her at all today.

 

I feel like I want to tell her what I'm feeling right now about this, but I can't find her online, I can't find her in real life, and I have to be very careful about when I call her. In the meantime, I'm driving myself half crazy worrying that something's going to go wrong YET AGAIN. I really need someone to bring me back to reality right now.

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I don't know if this is really a good idea if you have social anxiety--I have it, too, and I can tell you that it was much better for me to lose my virginity in the context of a relationship where I could take it sloooow with the guy and get really comfortable with elevating levels of contact. I lost mine fairly late (mid-20s) and was tempted by a similar offer to the one you're describing a few years before that, but I'm glad I decided against it.

 

If you're determined that this is really what you want your "how I lost my virginity" story to look like, though, I would take this girl at her word--she wouldn't have made the offer if it was going to make her feel "loose." And she'll be expecting you to be nervous and for her to have to take the lead, so you don't have to worry about that either.

 

And if she backs out, you'll be no worse off than before...It won't mean that you've failed, and other opportunities will come along sooner or later.

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Yeah, my mind's pretty made up on this one. The way I see it, all my virginity and social anxiety are doing is making it harder for me to develop and maintain relationships. If I'm with someone special, I don't want something like that getting in the way.

 

Basically I sort of needed to get all this out there, before spilling my guts to her. It's a LITTLE clearer to me now how I should go about this. One way or another, I'm getting in touch with her tomorrow and taking steps to resolve this. Thanks to everyone for the advice!

 

And condom usage goes without saying.

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Ain't it the truth.

 

I'll update on the situation over the next week, as I'm pretty sure that's the timeframe I'm working within. I texted her last night and we're going to meet up for drinks after she gets off work tonight. I wouldn't expect it to happen tonight, but at least I hope to get some things finalized.

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I don't believe it.

 

SHE WENT BACK ON HER OFFER.

 

She had apparently made the decision that since she's leaving so soon, she can't schedule it, and that she can't handle the responsibility of being my first because she doesn't feel she can make it good for me at this point.

 

She didn't even bother to warn me over email or anything.

 

I cannot remember the last time I was this angry.

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Thanks. I've been getting over it the past few days -- taking a few days in the country to unwind.

 

I don't think I'm very in danger of getting attached if it's obvious that it's not going to evolve into a relationship (as was fairly obvious here). But this is a topic that has crossed my mind over the past few days since this happened. I'm curious to get a sense of whether men are more or less likely to get attached to their first partner than women are. A few women have discussed this with me and I've never really had a clear answer.

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I'm curious to get a sense of whether men are more or less likely to get attached to their first partner than women are. A few women have discussed this with me and I've never really had a clear answer.

 

Men are less likely to get attached I think. Guys aren't generally taught the idea that "virginity is so important" and this is drilled into girls' brains. Also, I believe we release more of a certain chemical in our brains during orgasm that causes feelings on love which leads to attachment.

 

Why don't you just find someone you like and want to date? And date her. Sex will develop from that relationship and I doubt she will be bothered by you being a virgin. Actually, I would like to meet a guy who was a virgin, because then I wouldn't be worried about STIs.

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