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Hey everyone,

 

So I've been seeing my current girlfriend since early May, and some things have happened recently that have sort of scared me a bit. Now before I go further I feel like the majority of this is all in my head; I've been cheated on before and it was one of the worst experiences in my life, and I think I have a lot of unresolved insecurities as a result.

 

Now with my current girlfriend, things have just started getting more serious, as we recently have started introducing one another to each others families. Currently the relationship is a bit long distance, as she is working at a summer program for high school students at a university, and staying in a dorm with her coworkers.

 

A few nights ago, she was telling me about her past relationships. I'm not exactly sure why either, as I did not bring it up, the conversation began with how we each interpret sex.

 

She says she has always looked at sex as a more purely physical thing, while I think of as not only physical but deeply emotional as well. Now she says this is one of the reasons why shes so attracted to me, as she has never really been with anyone in the past so emotionally and physically attracted to her.

 

But when she started talking about her past relationships, this is what bothered me. First, most of the men she has been with were guys who were cheating on their girlfriends/fiances/wives. To add to that, she told me that about 4 years ago she was in a relationship and wasn't "exactly faithful," because she was really only looking for a physical relationship and nothing serious. This conversation took place about three nights ago, and again, I do not know why she brought up her past relationships.

 

Two nights ago, when we were talking over the phone, it was late, and she said she was going to take a show to "get ready for s-... to go to sleep." Then last night, we were talking late again, and at around 12:45 she said she was really tired and was going to go to sleep. Then just today we spoke briefly, and she said she did not get to sleep until after 2 am.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like since she mentioned she was unfaithful in a past relationship that I've been interpreting everything in the worst way possible. Since I was cheated on before, I've always believed "once a cheater, always a cheater." What if she is looking to me for a more serious emotional relationship and just to some other guy for more physical pleasures?

 

Again, I feel like I've cooked most of this up in my head. All of a sudden, in the last few days, I feel like everything has just turned upside down on me.

 

I feel like I should give her a subtle hint or something that its on my mind. I really don't want to just bring it up outright, as I really do believe that this is all in my head. Any suggestions or advice would be most welcome.

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She is telling you, clearly and unequivocally, that she has no problem with being with someone who cheats and in cheating on her partner herself because she sees sex as no more than scratching an itch.

 

It is a warning - and you need to pay attention to it.

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She sounds like the type who will cheat and justify it by this to herself:

 

"Well, he isn't around and I am horny.. He won't know"

 

Basically, she doesn't put any importance on sex (outside the physical) so she'll have no trouble sleeping with someone when the need arises and you aren't around.

 

Problem? You obviously are not around. She has already lied to you twice. (Told you she was getting a shower before she went to sleep, but slipped up and revealed she had to do; hanging up on you to hang out with people(s))

 

Everyone is different, but this situation sounds like the start of something I wouldn't want to stick around for. I'd walk away with my head held high, can't tell you to do anything else other than that, sorry.

 

Best of luck, and if you do stay... protect your heart.

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DN is right. She wants to lower your expectations regarding her faithfulness. YOU NEED TO LOOK HER IN THE EYE AND SAY.

 

"When you brought up the fact that you were OK going with guys that cheated on their girls and then brought up the fact that you cheated......were you trying to lower my expectations that you would be faithful to me? Now that you have alerted me to these facts, what exactly am I supposed to believe now?

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I've learned one thing over the years; trust your gut feeling more often than not and you'll more often be correct.

 

Don't ignore your intuition. She sounds like she is trying to explain away her character flaws by being liberal about ideas. It doesn't sound like she has much conviction or self esteem.

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I agree with abouttime.

 

But I also don't take much stake in the her telling you she is going to bed and not going right away. I got off the phone last night at 12:30. Did I go to bed right away? No. Lately, I have found it takes a long time to get to sleep. I tend to read. And a friend who is dealing with a death in the family called me and chatted for a bit. When you start analyzing every moment of someone's day, that causes all sorts of unrest. You will be jumpy around her and that is going to push her away even more and make you miserable.

 

Well, she may have said that sex was only physical to her in the past, and now she is saying that she is attracted to you because you are attracted to her. When someone is young, there is room for growth. The first things someone learns about sex sometimes is that is physical and then they grow up.

 

I am not saying you have to stay with her, but in a mature and adult like way, discuss your feelings with her and lay it all out on the table versus just freaking out privately. There are many fish in the sea and many girls out there who who would feel lucky to have a guy who believes he doesn't have sex unless his heart is there too. Picking a mate is not like picking a friend. If their convictions don't match with yours, that there is a dealbreaker in there, they might not be the one for you. We are taught to be 'accepting' of people, but I think we can be picky when potentially looking for someone we may have a future with.

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