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Feeling Guilty About Heirloom Ring


Phantoness

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Hello All,

Today I found myself in an interesting predicament. My mom called to tell me yesterday to tell me she has a ring to give me that belonged to my grandmother. When I went to my parent's house today she gave me the ring and I asked why my grandmother just decided she wanted me to have it. (My grandmother is still alive. I thought maybe she was clearing out her house again and wanted to pass on some of her things to ensure they went to the person she wanted them to go to.).

 

My mom proceeds to tell me that when her and my sister were visiting her last week, my grandmother told her she did not want my uncles' wives going through her things after she was gone and taking everything. (My mom is her only daughter.) She then proceeds to give my sister a wedding/engagement ring set that my grandfather had bought for her. So far, so good.

 

Then she tells my mom that she wants me to have a ring that she had previously already given to my mom. She tells her to give it to me. Now as my mom is telling me this, I can tell it hurt her feelings to have my grandmother basically take the ring back from her to give to me.

 

I thanked her for the ring and told her she should keep it but she kept saying my grandmother wants me to have it. She said it was not the first time and it wouldn't be the last time that my grandmother hurt her feelings.

 

Now I don't know what to do. My mom won't take the ring back and I don't think I could tell my grandmother how much she hurt my mom's feelings. I love both my mom and grandmother and would like to have something to remember my grandmother by when she is gone. But right now everytime I look at the ring, I think of my mom and how hurt she felt.

Any advice for what to do?

 

Some more background for you. My grandmother isn't a mean person. Sometimes she just acts before she thinks. In fact, I think she probably only mentioned this ring after she gave my sister the ring set because she didn't want me to feel left out. My sister sees her more than I do due to me working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and living further away.

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Are you sure your grandmother wanted you to have it right now? Maybe she said it not for her to give it to you NOW, but just letting her know her future intentions. Maybe she thought your mom would give your sis that ring then your sister would have two rings and you would be left out.

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Are you sure your grandmother wanted you to have it right now? Maybe she said it not for her to give it to you NOW, but just letting her know her future intentions. Maybe she thought your mom would give your sis that ring then your sister would have two rings and you would be left out.

That's what I thought too. I told my mom to keep it and she could pass it along to me later if she wanted. But she refuses to take it back now.

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It may be that your grandmother forgot the circumstances. My mother-in-law gave my wife a badly tarnished silver salver and thought later than she had just given it to us for cleaning and thought it was still hers.

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67 isn't really that elderly. Unless she's ill, it's odd for your grandmother to be going through things to pass along now. Can she be manipulative sometimes? Your mother's comment about being hurt before would point to that. I think maybe if your mom took it back, she'd feel guilty. It's ounds like this is their problem--something between them that they haven't worked out. Giving you the ring sort of brings you into the drama of it. I'd probably put it away in a safe place and see how it feels to have the ring in the future, when the drama blows over.

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If your mom has decided you should keep the ring, then respect her decision. It is hers to make. Let her know that you understand that that is her choice for now but if she wishes to change her mind, you are ok with that, since you understand that your grandma's decision hurt her. Remind her that eventually, it will come to you anyway. And then let her decide, and let that be that.

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This is a very sad thing that happened to your mom.

 

My mom decided to give my inheritance to my kids and that put me in a situation where I was jealous of my own kids. That is just plain sick. And my mom knew full well what she was doing because her mom did it to her.

 

Please don't under-estimate the pain your mom is feeling about this. It is very very painful to have this happen.

 

The sentiment of the ring is ruined, if your mom won't take the ring back, my suggestion is for you to sell the ring as soon as possible, and donate the money to a charity in honor of your grandmother.

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Don't sell the ring....

 

How old are you? I'm guessing that if grandma is only 67, you're still young.

 

Here's my suggestion. Talk to grandma. Tell her that you appreciate the gesture, and that you'd like to have the ring ONE DAY, but for now, you are concerned that the responsibility of having such an important heirloom worries you, and you are afraid to wear it because you are afraid to lose it. Tell her you would like to YOUR mom to continue to have, wear and keep the ring safe until such time as you and your mom feel you should have it. Let her know it will be even MORE treasured having gone through 2 generations: her, your mom, then you.

 

Then tell her your mom is insisting you keep the ring, because grandma said it was for you. Ask Grandma to tell mom, that while it was her intent that you receive the ring ONE DAY, she had hoped only to convey to your mom, that it should eventually be given to you. Maybe Grandma can then convince her daughter to accept the ring back from you, and keep it for the time being, with the mutual understanding that it is to go to you when your mom is ready to part with it, and you can enjoy it instead of feeling guilt...

 

Don't sell the ring. That's something you will definitely regret.

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