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Help - keep him or let him go!!!


Should You Forgive a Cheater (Serio...
Should You Forgive a Cheater (Seriously!?)

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I am completely and udderly distraught. The man I have been dating the past year and 1/2 has totally lost my trust and I don't know whether I should continue to try to work on us or just let him go.

 

I love him very much and am willing to forgive him, but it is going to take a lot on his part to earn my trust back and he keeps screwing it up.

 

Here's the story, back in December I found out he had been posting personal ads on a local website, when I confronted him he had an excuse (of course) but I believed him and let it go. He said his friends were over and while online he was signed into his email and they were bored and were just messing around. It was mostly his stupid immature buddies (his words). The 4 months later he asked me to get him a number out of his email. When I signed on I saw a message from an alternate email address that was his name. Anyway, I snooped found this new email, hacked into it and there were hundreds of personal ads posted. He was talking really vulgar and dirty and had sent his number to some and some said call to meet on certain days, etc.

 

As you can imagine I was furious. I confronted him, again! He tried to come up with some lame excuse but I wasnt having it. We fought, broke up for a day then decide to work things out. Over the next couple of months I kept catching him in little lies and he was just a pain to be around, so we broke up, again. This time he moved out and a week went by. We were talking on the phone and I had went out of town for a family reunion. I really love him and didn't think he was actually cheating, but definitely thought he had issues and was in fact a liar. For whatever reason! so I came home on a Sunday and we had talked via text and on the phone every day 20 + times a day. That Monday he went out of town and returned the following day. I called him that following Friday. I was truly miserable without him and wanted him to come over so we could talk. Well he did and we did talk for hours. We decided to give it another try. Come to find out 3 days later he had given some girl his phone number and they were texting back and forth while he was out of town. He says nothing happened and he thought we were through so he was not doing anything wrong. True, we were broke up, but if I was the love of his life and we were talking 20 x's a day why would he risk messing it up for some one night stand? Basically I feel like I am being stupid. I keep letting him talk his way out of things and letting him back in my life.

 

So I gues my question is, is this all a long line of misunderstanding that I have blown up into something huge or do I need to just wake up and let this one go? Even though I love him he's had plenty of chances to make it up to me and it seems I keep getting * * * * on.

 

Please help, I can't talk to my friends because they all hate him anyway so their advice will be biast.

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Thats screwed up, id instantly leave him.

 

Think about this for a second, he lied once, was caught, proceeded to lie again, after the fact that he had contacted numerous women, provided his phone number to them!

 

Hes displaying 0 respect for your, your feelings, or you as a person. Hes using you and will lie again.

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I don't think you can really trust this guy at all. You broke up and so he went out giving his number to some girl and was texting her the day after he was texting you?! I think this shows how much he values you and your relationship.

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someone who loves and respects you would not do this to you.

 

If you want to live the rest of your life with constant anxiety... checking up on him... not know what is true and what isn't.. then stay and work it out- (although i'm not sure what there is to "work out" but thats your choice)

 

but if the kind of relationship you want is one where you are loved and respected and not lied to .. then leave .. now.

 

he has got to be pretty manipulative to convince you to stick around after finding 100's of personal ad responses - start asking yourself if you are happy in this situation.

 

Seriously- its very easy to want to believe someone because you love them.. you want to believe they are honest to you- you don't want to believe that someone is that cruel... but yes.. someone CAN be that cruel... its unfortunate but true.

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I feel like everyone makes mistakes and sometimes people lie to avoid confrontation. I know if I made a mistake I wouldn't want to lose someone I love over it. We are all human and inevitably will screw up now and then. This is my rational to why I have stayed with him. Not to mention there is a lot of good times. We enjoy everything together and have all the same hobbies and love the same things. I agree he is showing me 0 respect and doesn't deserve me, it just is driving me crazy that he is screwing "us" up when we could be so happy together.

 

Some one slap some reality in me PLEASE! I know how I sound, like the weak little abused girl who keeps making excuses for her abusive boyfriend. Why! Why am I stuck on this guy when I know he is poison!

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a mistake goes like this:

 

i'm late??? i thought we were meeting at 8!!! I'm so sorry - i'll be right there.. my mistake..

 

or a mistake is this..

 

"you wanted Rye bread not white??? i'm so sorry .. my mistake"

 

a mistake is not:

 

oops i just spent 20 minutes filling out an online dating questionaire and responding to over 100 of them and talking dirty! i'm not suppose to do that when i'm in a committed relationship?? really? OMG my bad ..so sorry"

 

what he did is not a mistake.. its deceitful, its planned, its manipulative and its for his own benefit - he has no care for how you feel- he has no concern for what that would do to you.

 

its not a mistake .. he didn't make a mistake.. what he did was hurtful and not what you do when you love somebody.

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Some one slap some reality in me PLEASE! I know how I sound, like the weak little abused girl who keeps making excuses for her abusive boyfriend.

 

Yes you do.

 

He isn't making mistakes. He's doing exactly as he wants to do and then telling you whatever to shut you up. And it's working. He's having his cake and eating it.

 

Do you need to get an sti before it sinks in?

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It sounds like at least you are conciously perceiving the reality of the situation accurately and acknowledging it. That is half the battle, so good for you, you're on your way to being done with this guy.

 

From what you've said, my guess is this guy was like this before you met, and will continue this behavior in the future, whether its with you or not. So, if you're ok with being cheated on, by all means pursue the relationship. If not, the sooner you cut ties ALTOGETHER, the sooner you can begin to heal your heart. But you MUST CUT ALL TIES. There is no "friendship" to be had once you're done with this guy. I say this because its obvious you're relationship lacked fundamental trust and respect. These same things are fundamental in any kind of friendship, so don't let him talk you into being "friends".

 

You know what must be done. It will not be easy and it may even feel like you're world is ending for a bit. But time will pass and you will be swept off your feet by someone who is 10 times the man as this moron you're describing.

 

DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO!

 

Best wishes,

 

Whisperhawk

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I feel like everyone makes mistakes and sometimes people lie to avoid confrontation. I know if I made a mistake I wouldn't want to lose someone I love over it. We are all human and inevitably will screw up now and then. This is my rational to why I have stayed with him. Not to mention there is a lot of good times. We enjoy everything together and have all the same hobbies and love the same things. I agree he is showing me 0 respect and doesn't deserve me, it just is driving me crazy that he is screwing "us" up when we could be so happy together.

 

Some one slap some reality in me PLEASE! I know how I sound, like the weak little abused girl who keeps making excuses for her abusive boyfriend. Why! Why am I stuck on this guy when I know he is poison!

 

Okay, this guy is not making mistakes. He is doing things behind your back and then lying to cover them up. He is not showing you or your relationship the respect it deserves. To me it doesn't seem that he is "screwing 'us' up" it's more like he is being so blasé with your feeling towards him that he thinks it is okay to act the way he does.

 

He is taking your love and trust and he is abusing it.

 

If you brake up with this guy now it is going to upset you and it will without a doubt break your heart but if you stay with him then he is only going to carry on doing what he is doing and you are going to get hurt.

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I feel like everyone makes mistakes and sometimes people lie to avoid confrontation. I know if I made a mistake I wouldn't want to lose someone I love over it.

 

Do people cheat to avoid confrontations? No that doesnt even make sense... And how could he love you if hes hiding the fact that hes trying to hook up with other women, not you.

 

His rational for staying with you is the reason your here right now. You love him, you wont leave him even though he is abusing you. So it works out good in his mind, new girls on call, old girl at home that he can get with when things arnt working out. Dont be that girl. *slap*

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Do people cheat to avoid confrontations? No that doesnt even make sense... And how could he love you if hes hiding the fact that hes trying to hook up with other women, not you.

 

His rational for staying with you is the reason your here right now. You love him, you wont leave him even though he is abusing you. So it works out good in his mind, new girls on call, old girl at home that he can get with when things arnt working out. Dont be that girl. *slap*

 

Hits nail on head...very good!

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I have been making excuses for him that he just isn't that bright and he's making these stupid mistakes because basically he just doesn't see the magnitude of what damage it is doing. Seriously, his excuse for the personal ads the second time was "I was bored, it did't mean anything and none of them are real anyway." The excuse for the girl he was texting "I thought you were through with me and I was just gonna take her to lunch. I was looking for a friend nothing more" Not to mention all the other lies I've caught him in. Like he told me he stayed at his dads when he went out of town, then the story was, oh I was drunk and slept in my truck in the parking lot. When I asked him why he lied he said "I didn't want you to think I was a loser" Oh and did I mention that he refuses to drink with me? He says he's not a drinker and he doesn't like that whole party scene, but as soon as he leaves town he gets so wasted he sleeps in a HOTEL parking lot.

 

Why do I feel so confused about this? It's pretty cut and dry, He's a dousche, I deserve better the end. So why is it I have been checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he called, text or emailed! Argh! I hate it!

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Apart from what everyone else has said, doesn't it tell you something that your friends all hate him? The people who know you, love you and care about you don't want to see you with him?

 

The last sentence paragraph of your post suggests you are addicted to him, and to the relationship. There are loads of online resources around co-dependency, which is what relationship addiction is, and if you have a long-term pattern of not being able to end relationships with losers, they may be useful to you.

 

Good luck!

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Why do I feel so confused about this? It's pretty cut and dry, He's a dousche, I deserve better the end. So why is it I have been checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he called, text or emailed! Argh! I hate it!

 

I don't think that you are confused. I think that you see exactly what is going on and what you need to do. You realize that he is not treating you properly and know that you deserve better. Those are great first steps. Now, you need to cultivate the strength, resources, and support to take the next step.... breaking up with him and staying away. Keep coming here to vent, seek support, pass the time, or stay busy. Whatever you need to keep from tolerating this further, do it!

 

Best wishes,

Sami

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Why do I feel so confused about this? It's pretty cut and dry, He's a dousche, I deserve better the end. So why is it I have been checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he called, text or emailed! Argh! I hate it!

 

 

You need to make the decision to end it and then do so. Tell him it's over and take his number out of your phone. Then, talk to your friends. You really need their support right now. They will provide you with verbal affirmation, physical affection, and much needed advising direction. They can hold you accountable for not seeing him and getting back with him. Also, post your feelings here. Just stop connecting with him when the pain starts because that connecting conversation makes it harder to let him go.

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Your friends probably don't like him because they know something is up with him.

 

He can only continue to manipulate and lie to you as long as you let him.

 

If he lies to you about placing ads online and then comes up with some BS excuse and you say "it's ok", BOOM you have just given him a free pass to do it again. From what I have read, you have given him quite a few free passes. Of course he's gonna keep lying to you because you let him do it.

 

Kick his ass to the curb and find someone worthy.

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Well I had no contact with him until Sunday. He text me and said he was sorry I freaked out on him and he knows he F'd up with the internet thing, but he's not a liar and he's sorry I can't believe him. He also said he loves me and hates this but he figured I was over him anyway. I just said whatever when are you getting the rest of your things. He said he was moving back to his old town and he hopes I find someone that can make me happy. I haven't talked to him since.

 

I'm heart broke, but I am sticking to my decision this time and not even going to try to explain my actions to him. He knows if he gets me talking then he will be able to pull my heart strings. Well, I'm not going to even engage in conversation with him, because I'm not going to give him the chance to explain his behavior.

 

Wish me luck!

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He probably loves you very much - but he is also a cheater.

 

Being a cheater does not negate the cheater's ability to love their partner.

 

What you need to decide is - how long are you willing to stay with a cheater, regardless of how much he loves you or you love him.

 

Love does not conquer all.... and a love relationship without trust is probably one of the most painful experiences most of us can endure in life.

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