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I am very embarrased to post this, because I am an addict. I quit using crack 8 months ago.....I have 3 kids and my fiancee helped me get off the crack but he had to spend 6 months at home with me to make sure i did it and I did! BUT, and its a big HUGE BUT: yesterday I got a can of solvent and inhaled it (yes, I sniffed it and got high).... my daughter who is 11 caught me and text messaged her step-dad and told him what I was doing. He is gone for 20 days to a place that is 6 hours from us. When this happened I realized what I was doing and how gross it is and I threw the can in the dumpster and called him to explain. I also got very angry at my daughter for telling him because I believe he is going to leave us now. He assured her that he isn't going to leave and said that he made a promise that he would be with me for the rest of our lives.

 

My fiancee is a straight shooter - doesn't do any drugs or drinking ever. He is a great guy a real family man and a wonderful partner. I don't undertand why I am doing this. I know I am not going to do it again, but I think that is past the point because I just did this inhalant without thinking about what the consiquences to my body and to my family would be. It's like at that point I just didn't give a * * * * , I just wanted to be high. (I am also at my mothers house for the past week and I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE).

 

In the past, I was sexually abused by 2 men in this house (visitors of my parents, once when I was 6 then by the other when I was 9, I was also abused by cousins when I was 5). I was also living with my daughters father here from age 15-19 and he abused me emotionally, mentally and physically before I finally left. My mother always smoked pot when I was growing up, and I began to steal her pot from the age of 12. I started using cocaine at 14, acid and mushrooms at 13 and later, when I left home I used extacy and meth at the age of 20......this drug thing has always been a part of my life. I have seen many therapists and have been in rehab 2times. Once back in 1999 and again I did a day program when My finacee caught me buying crack. I have a hard time believing I am anything but a worthless * * * * * . I have always seeked out love from men and never got it before now.

 

The problem is that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't feel like I deserve him. I think that I am self-sabotaging because this seems to be my pattern. I don't want to do it, but it seems like I just don't think of those things when I want to get high. I just do it because at the time it seems so easy to get away from my thoughts, and insicurities by getting high......I don't know what to do now. He is really hurt. I told him when I quit the crack that i wouldn't do anything to hurt him ever again, and yet here I am and I messed up again.

 

I am wondering if anyone can offer insight as to what I can do now......what should I do? should I break it off before he breaks it off with me? how am I going to get respect/trust back? Please help!

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Also: I forgot to mention that I did speak to my daughter, and she knew what I was doing, and she asked me why......I had no answer. I told her that I have problems I have to deal with and that it was so stupid of me and it was wrong and bad. I think I scared her and I don't know what to say. I am very ashamed and I told her that, and that I don't want her to do stupid things I have done. I hate myself more and more with each minute

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Hi CG.... i can totally relate to you because i am a recovering addict myself. I have been clean for 8 months now. Addiction is a disease. you and i both have it. we didnt choose this... who would? its terrible. i am alot like you. i am an equal opportunity drug user. i liked it all and MORE MORE MORE. Honestly the only reason i am alive and clean is because i lost the man i was dating to a drug overdose. it was enough to get me to see that this will kill us. as an adult i have never been sober and clean.. and everyday is a struggle. i had serious cravings last night, on the floor in tears because i know i cant get high, but wanted to so bad it hurt me emotionally and physically. we have to learn to live one minute at a time as addicts. we cant think to far ahead to the future because you never know what obstacle you will face and how it will impact our sobriety. you are NOT worthless. i know exactly how you are feeling but WE are not worthless. we just struggle differently then others do. we have to learn to live our lives sober. and so far it has been the biggest struggle of my life. I would suggest, if you are truly ready to get help.. find another program. you need to get back into rehab... give yourself a fresh start. It will show your daughter and your fiance just how committed you are to cleaning up. get educated on addiction and the disease. maybe even get a support group or AA so you can be around like minded people. The biggest thing i deal with is loneliness. i have lost all my friends. they are all users and dont really want to be around me now. but i know that i am doing the right thing by turning my life around. and lastly, dont be so hard on yourself. YOU didnt choose this disease as i said. its a chronic and progressive illness that will kill us. and you want to be there for your daughter. be open with her. keep communicating like you have. that way she doesnt ever want to try it. its going to be OK. please seek treatment. before its too late. i should have died a million times over but i am still here for a reason. you are too.

 

feel free to pm me if you ever need a friend. i am always here for you.

 

good luck and god bless sister.

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Thank you for your kind words. I am going to see a therapist ASAP next week. As for Rehab, I won't be able as we have a 1 yr old and an 8 year old and of course my 11 year old daughter. My fiance has to work for 20 days straight and 8 days off at least for a few months to get us back into secure financial shape so I don't have proper care for my children as everyone in our families work full time.

 

The only thing I can do is try go to some meetings and this therapist. What I am having problems with is why i choose to keep doing this?

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but sweetie that is just it... you dont CHOOSE it. its a disease. honestly, do you choose to be addicted to drugs? do you choose to huff and pollute your body? no. its not your fault. we are sick. its ok to have an illness. im sorry to hear about your lack of help. your kids really need a healthy mom and you really should be in treatment. i wish there was a way for you to get that help so you can get help. but i understand. try the meetings and the therapist... when you get a craving.. try to focus on something else. it will pass.. they always do. you are going to be OK as long as you are actively seeking help.

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I wish it were different too.....but this is how it is and I have to find a work-around. I honestly feel that I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to just leave it alone and fix myself. This inhalant was the first time I did it and I used to use crack only when I knew my kids werent around.

 

I don't feel that I am a sub-standard mother - infact I am a great mom but the pressure gets so intense when I am stressed out by all the things I have to deal with in life.............

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i know. i am sure you are a wonderful mom. its hard because the illness makes you really feel like such a horrible person. and there is a preconceived notion that addicts are the lowest of the low. its a terrible stereotype. you are doing the right thing in admitting you have a problem. that means you are moving in the right direction...

 

you are going to be OK... please try not to be so hard on yourself.

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if you quit before because of the effort and devotion your fiancee, in the name of love to the man, you might be subconsciously rebelling from this scenario, because it is wrong to do it for another. You should do it for yourself only, no matter if your man is with you or not. If you are really focused on changing your life, then use EVERYTHING to get there, even this re-lapse. Use it as a lesson, as a reminder, as a knowledge that you can not rely on other people (his presence/absence) in order to change your life. It is only your challenge, your quest.

 

I do have addictive personality myself and I am familiar with the cravings, denial, instant gratification and fear to be "present" in my head all the time, tiredness to deal with myself, when the only thing I would want is to forget. It is hard and it takes a lot of courage and faith and work.

 

I would start with a commitment: "I will deal with all my worries, fears, feelings from now on, whatever they are". By using you are shutting yourself down to prevent from dealing with all these fears, memories, emotions, pains. Just gather a courage and commit to meet all of your inner world without "hiding your head under the pillow". Give it some thinking, test yourself on this - do you WANT to know and be able to manage yourself? If yes, you can do it.

 

And then yes, take one minute at a time. I've heard about one very successful lawyer whose wrist watch would beep every 20 minutes. One guy asked why, she said that it is this way since the time she stopped using drugs. It is a reminder that another 20 minutes she was able to stay sober. Think about it. I would recommend to arrange for yourself a "safe place". Do you have a bedroom? I would redecorate it to make a little bit new and the way you like. Create an island of safety for yourself. Think, if you get on this bed and don't go, nothing bad would happen. In times when you would feel anxious, go to your room, climb on your safe bed, get your favorite ice-cream and go to this forum. You also can pm me if you think that would help.

 

With all respect for your tough journey,

 

Nina

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  • 2 weeks later...

My sister is an alcoholic and she ruined years of my life I have no sympothy for addicts you did choose this don't say you didn't nobody forced you it was choice..your hurting your children children never forget I'm sorry your childhood was * * * * ty but you have children now and there gunna have issues as an adult just like you do bout there childhood please stop being so selfish this life is no longer about you..it's about your children

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