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Confused. 'The one'... but having problems!


bubbletoes9

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Hi everyone,

 

If you could read this and give me any advice it would be appreciated. I can't sleep after fight with b/f so getting things off my chest here.

 

I've been with this guy for a year now. I'm so sure he is the one. When we are together it is so natural and I feel so loved and we seem to work great. Only problem is he lives 3 hours away and runs his own business so we can only see each other every 2nd weekend. In 3 months my work contract is up, and I was planning to move down there with him. I want to, but when we do the distance I feel like I put in more effort than him, and I don't want to just make it easier for him by leaving my family and friends up here to be with him, so he never has to come up.

 

I struggle more with the distance, and miss him a lot more. He says he misses me and loves me, and I know he does, but I asked him to come up this weekend and he said he'll think about it. Anyway I rang him tonight (Friday), and he was in another state snowboarding! He sounded real guilty but said he only just decided, but I'm pretty sure he had it planned. He knows I struggle with the distance. He is hardly romantic- never remembers anniversaries or suprises me and when I see him we often end up just bumming around. Often I have to give up seeing him cos he's gotta work (which sucks even more cos he took work off to go away), and sometimes I just want to feel like I'm a top priority. He says he wants to do romantic things but I need to give him a chance. A year... how much chance does he need? We get into the biggest fights about this

 

I dont want to move down while everything seems so easy for him yet hard for me. I've tried telling him but he either doesn't listen or understand. He gets really defensive. How do I make him appreciate me more? I know he does I just think he's way too comfortable and doesn't try. When we're together he's super affectionate but he doesn't really think ahead and plan dinners or suprises. Am I being too high maitenance? Any advice?

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If he lives in another town where his business is, then practially speaking, you'll have to move there sooner or later regardless because he can't relocate. (Or make the decision to break up.) He won't be able to move to your town, so you'd best decide whether you are willing to go to his and quit torturing yourself with hypothetical situations like whether you could stay where you are and still have him.

 

Also, many men will plan dinners and surprises etc. until they get comfortable in the relationship, and once they have 'won' you, they feel they don't need to do it anymore. Some men are romantic, but honestly, most won't keep up that kind of romantic wooing all the time for the next 40 years. They will hopefully remember birthday's and wedding anniversaries and do special things then, but they won't do things to make you feel like a 'princess' every week.

 

And when you say 'anniversaries' he forgets, considering you have just barely been together a year, the only anniversary he might remember would be your first date (and a lot of guys would forget that). If you want to celebrate every little 'first' you did together, it just won't happen, especially as the years pass.

 

Most men show 'appreciation' for you in other ways rather than wanting to plan parties or big surprises like they're a party planner. They might do special things for you, like offer to take your car in to get fixed or detailed, or fix something around the house, or tell you you look beautiful, or show affection when they're with you. But if you want constant celebrations and surprises and fancy dates to equate to appreciation, then yes, that is high maintenance.

 

Or perhaps if it is extremely important to you you could look for a guy who's a party planner?? but unfortunately, most of those are gay or women...

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I've gotta say...I've finally found someone who has a similar relationship to me, even down to the distance! I feel so relieved that it's not just me. I too often feel like I miss him so much it hurts, while for him it's just a bit annoying that I'm not there. I'm really interested to see what other replies will be.

 

I had a conversation with my best friend about this the other day - she was LD with her boyfriend for awhile, I don't remember how long, they live together now. She said that it was very similar for them, and when they finally moved in and they talked about it, he said that he was so secure in their relationship that although he missed her, it didn't invade his mind so much. Or something. Our personal conclusion is that either we girls were clingy, or the boys were just being...boyish. I know this isn't much comfort.

 

Like you, I've had I don't know how many conversations I've had with him about how much of an effect it has on me that he doesn't seem to care that we're apart, and everytime he says he knows and he's sorry, but he's just not like me, he's got more distractions and stuff. Nothing really changes after those conversations. A week or so ago he decided he hadn't been treating me well and was going to change, and things have been better. Not like I'd like it to be, but I've got to accept what I can get, you know? So it might be something that he has to come to a conclusion about himself.

 

The snowboarding thing...that would tear me up. I never get to see my other half, issues with work (like you) and money to travel. If he had an available weekend, and had said he would see if he was able to come down and then decided to do something like that..I would be beyond hurt, regardless or whether he had planned it and not told me, or decided he wanted to do that over seeing me at the last minute. That I would have to have a very serious conversation with him about. He needs to see that if he's wants to let you give up your life where you are now to move to be with him then he has to give you an incentive to do that, be the better option, and flaking out on you isn't promoting that.

 

P

xx

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Thanks lavender dove- I understand that he might not do over the top special things for the next 40 years. I don't even want him to go over the top... but like parsley said if I'm going to move down I need a bit more incentive from him.

 

Parsely- thank you! I'm so glad someone else feels the same. Often people dont understand what it is like LD. I know that he got a good offer. And yes it cuts me but if he had told me straight up instead of waiting for me to call I would have been less upset. Now he just sent me a txt saying 'your right I'm wrong', but wont ring me back. How can he just do this it is killing me!

 

I want to move down there, and had been living there, but only moved back up home after we got back from overseas and I had no money and couldnt get a job down there. I dont want to move when I feel like I am compromising all the time!

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What i don't want you to miss is that you have a bigger problem than feeling you are 'compromising' all of the time... living 3 hours apart.

 

Most long distance relationships eventually end when one or both get sick of the distance, loneliness, lack of companionship and lack of regular sex. They also get tired of driving the long distances all the time. Usually they end as gradually one or both start forming more local friendships, and eventually meet someone local who is available all the time.

 

So i think part of the problem is he could be getting sick of spending 6 hours in the car coming and going, and missing out on his regular friends because he is always commuting to see you. Eventually people want a 'normal' life where maintaining a romance isn't such a big deal, and there isn't so much deprivation related to being apart.

 

I think it was wrong of him to not tell you first that he wasn't coming, but i'd take that as a sign that he knew you'd be upset and is probably avoiding an argument. It also may be a sign that he is getting tired of the long distance, and is expanding his social life to other people. The next step might be breaking up with you because you and he have no concrete plans to be in the same town anytime soon, and he's tited of the LDR.

 

So i'd start talking to him soon about what is going on with his thinking. is he getting tired of the LDR? What are your plans to move, and if you have none, how long can this relationship continue with no plans to be in the same place soon? You need to find out what is going on, and whether he is starting to slip away from the LDR because he is tired of the distance.

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I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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