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I need Life Advice Please ASAP


mike2009
Just Going Through The Motions?
Just Going Through The Motions?

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Hello I am 21 year old male studying electrical engineering at a UC; I just finished all my GE's and barely starting to get into my tougher classes. I feel stuck not really knowing what to do with my life and I was wondering if I describe my point of view to you guys that maybe someone out there can give me the wisdom I need, or guidance to find my solution to my set backs. First off, I grew up in south central los angles with many ignorant people. Just recently a close friend a mind was killed and another close friend was sentenced to life in jail for murder. They were both good people that just made bad choices that have me feeling like edit. My best friend or “Road DOG” is in debt over 25000 for a car accident he had due to driving intoxicated. Two other friends I consider close, one of them in unemployed and the other one is working with someone else’s social since he does not have papers. I realize my close friends attract a lot of bad vibes so I think every night that I should get away from them for good but its hard since when I was more ignorant I taught them a bunch of ignorant things when I did not know better. I have the option to live with my family in a nice neighborhood away from everything but I still find myself going back to the hood to hang out when I know I have something better. I have been caught by my family smoking weed many times and been given many opportunities to be forgiven; and not kicked out since I always tell them that I am going to change and that I wish to continue and finish school. I am very smart and I know it I get out of shape here and there but 2 month of good working out I know ill have girls on me again. I procrastinate a lot and I just want to really change my ways and I try to work on it everyday, but there’s something that triggers me to go back to the hood time after time again and I am tired of it. I also feel like I need a girlfriend but many successful people tell me since I am going to be an engineer that I will make money and that I am to young and well put together so they think to have one girl… On a different note my older sister tells me to get over my self pity and hold my own weight that I am not a teenager anymore. My mother spoils me with anything I basically ask her for but I try not to take advantage even though I have in the past. I just feel like I am a burden to my family and I hate it. I make my family proud for a month or two then disappoint the entire family and make them worry and cry over me for the next 2 months and so forth and I do not want to continue that ugly way of life. I read many self help books, articles online since 2007 and it had helped but this is my first post and I am hoping someone out there can guide me with some good wisdom. I want to feel in control of my life and be proactive, I know I can do it, and I am doing it but still I just need some advice. HELP.

 

edit: i do work on saturdayonly and i just find it hard to leave the ignorant respect i gained in the hood from all my friends there but i also hate the fact that living that ugly life brings sadness to my family, and i hate that i procrastinate a lot.....

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Hi Mike and welcome to ENA!

 

It sounds to me that you are having a tough time trying to get away from your old ways and keep having urges to go back to it. It is tough to change but it can happen. The best way to go about this is to get away from your friends that are a bad influence. I think the reason you keep going back is because they are really your only friends you have at this time...? I know it's not always easy to make new friends but that is one thing that you will have to do. It can be easier then you think.

 

In order for you to get away and stay away from the life that you are familiar with you will need support from your family and friends. Your old friends don't sound like they are the right support that you need to change.

 

It will take a lot of willpower but if you set your mind to it you can "turn a new leaf" as they say. Don't think of the BIG picture. Just start with small steps into what you need to do to change your ways for a better you.

 

Do you have a job? That can be a good way to make friends PLUS help you out in feeling that you are worth something better.

Have you thought about therapy? It can really help as they can show you new things that you could try to fight the urge to go back to your old ways.

Going back to college is a very good start. Also something that will help you and motivate you.

 

As far as having a girlfriend and relationship... let that come as it comes. Right now is the time you should focus on YOU. Once you get your life on track to what you want then would be the time to think about having a relationship.

 

My sister is going through some similar things you are. Trying to get away from the drugs, over drinking and the bad influences in her life. She has had some setbacks but is really trying to better herself. She wants to go to college and have a career and one day have a family.

 

Just keep telling yourself that "I Can DO this!"

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i been enrolled in school since 2006 and i work on saturdays only but i also have smart freinds i could start to hang out with more in school i just seem to do my own thing with friends i grew up with but i understandthat i need to leave them behind and move on tomorrow i will change my number to really lose contact with them..

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i been enrolled in school since 2006 and i work on saturdays only but i also have smart freinds i could start to hang out with more in school i just seem to do my own thing with friends i grew up with but i understandthat i need to leave them behind and move on tomorrow i will change my number to really lose contact with them..

 

That is a good start. I know it has to be hard and may feel like you are losing your childhood friends... but you need to look at it as you are bettering yourself for you. There are so many things you can do with your life, and maybe even some of your old friends will look at you and see how much you have changed and proven that you can get out of the bad habits in your life and make the decision to change themselves also.

 

I am a procrastinator myself so that is why I suggested taking small steps and not looking at the whole thing dead on. Because I know when I look at something that needs to be done I tend to put it off if I start thinking of the big picture. It can be overwhelming. So best to just take it a step at a time.

 

Remember, you can do whatever you put your mind to.

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Hello I am 21 year old male studying electrical engineering at a UC; I just finished all my GE's and barely starting to get into my tougher classes. I feel stuck not really knowing what to do with my life and I was wondering if I describe my point of view to you guys that maybe someone out there can give me the wisdom I need, or guidance to find my solution to my set backs. First off, I grew up in south central los angles with many ignorant people. Just recently a close friend a mind was killed and another close friend was sentenced to life in jail for murder. They were both good people that just made bad choices that have me feeling like * * * * . My best friend or “Road DOG” is in debt over 25000 for a car accident he had due to driving intoxicated. Two other friends I consider close, one of them in unemployed and the other one is working with someone else’s social since he does not have papers. I realize my close friends attract a lot of bad vibes so I think every night that I should get away from them for good but its hard since when I was more ignorant I taught them a bunch of ignorant things when I did not know better. I have the option to live with my family in a nice neighborhood away from everything but I still find myself going back to the hood to hang out when I know I have something better. I have been caught by my family smoking weed many times and been given many opportunities to be forgiven; and not kicked out since I always tell them that I am going to change and that I wish to continue and finish school. I am very smart and I know it I get out of shape here and there but 2 month of good working out I know ill have girls on me again. I procrastinate a lot and I just want to really change my ways and I try to work on it everyday, but there’s something that triggers me to go back to the hood time after time again and I am tired of it. I also feel like I need a girlfriend but many successful people tell me since I am going to be an engineer that I will make money and that I am to young and well put together so they think to have one girl… On a different note my older sister tells me to get over my self pity and hold my own weight that I am not a teenager anymore. My mother spoils me with anything I basically ask her for but I try not to take advantage even though I have in the past. I just feel like I am a burden to my family and I hate it. I make my family proud for a month or two then disappoint the entire family and make them worry and cry over me for the next 2 months and so forth and I do not want to continue that ugly way of life. I read many self help books, articles online since 2007 and it had helped but this is my first post and I am hoping someone out there can guide me with some good wisdom. I want to feel in control of my life and be proactive, I know I can do it, and I am doing it but still I just need some advice. HELP.

 

 

edit: i do work on saturdays and i try to workout here at there to stay ready for anything.

 

edit: (think this might help evaluate me more thanks for the advice)

Thank you for your recognition, I know I have come a long way, I am the only one who “kicked it in the hood” that is in a university. I guess its hard for me to leave all the respect I earned in the streets from my “little homies and big homies” it is maybe the hardest thing I ever had to do, which is leave my old friends. In college when I started in 2006 I hung out with the same stereo typical friends I grew up with in the hood, and I spent my financial aid and scholarship money all in weed smoking my life away for 2 years until all of them got kicked out and I was left there alone; and I still continue to smoke my life away…. I have other friends there too but its not the same maybe because I been used to the fast life since I was 13 years old. I lost contact with the mentors that got me into college or made sure I stayed there because they do not work for the program that got me there in the first place anymore since all the budget cuts and stuff. I guess now that I think about it its just the respect that keeps me going back “I light up more trees than Christmas time and all my hood homies know it, I get girls in the clubs; I have an image that I worked so hard to build I know its an ignorant image but I worked and put my life on the line many times to have that respect and a part of me wants the entire world to know it but I also know that will hurt me in the long run some how. I also hate making my family suffer over my dumb choices that could end in tragedy.

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Hey man its all right there for you on the screen. You know what you have to do: stop hanging out with people that drag you down, stay out of the hood, keep up your studies, do your best to hold your own and get a job, and go to the gym. Sounds like the only thing that is stopping you is that it is hard to let go of old habits. You just have to do it, and if you mess up then forgive yourself and try harder the next time. If you mess up never let yourself completely give up, just say ok I messed up I'm going to get back on track. It isn't always easy, but the people that fail are the people that quit when something goes wrong. The truth is something will always go on, true strength is if you quit or keep trying after that happens. It can be hard to find a new group of friends when you are trying to ditch ones that you know are bringing bad stuff into your life. It can be lonely to start with, but you just have to give it some time.

 

Good luck

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First of all, give yourself credit for what you've achieved! You come from a rough place, one of the roughest in the country, with many influences that could've dragged you down into the gutter: drugs, crime, prison. That you've instead ended up in college studying a tough subject like engineering speaks so well of you. Congratulations! Don't beat yourself up so much that you forget to honor your own achievements in coming so far.

 

Second, recognize that where you come from is part of you. Whether it sucked in a lot of ways or not, that place and those people helped shape who you are today. They're the soil you grew in. So it's natural that you would find it hard to completely turn your back on them, even though you recognize that they may be a danger to your success in life. Being back there with them may even feel more comfortable and natural sometimes than the college environment, where you're surrounded by people who don't entirely understand you or where you're from. That can make the old neighborhood very seductive.

 

So I wonder...have those ties with the old place & people made it difficult for you to completely bond with your new place & people? Have you gotten involved with college social activities, formed a group of college friends? You can do your best to cut the old ties, but until you form new ones, you're likely to drift back to what's familiar.

 

If you want a girlfriend, what's stopping you? College is just about the last time in your life when you will be completely surrounded by a gazillion single people your own age. Ask out a girl, have a little (safe) fun--just do it at college and not back in your old neighborhood.

 

It's perfectly fine not to know exactly what you want to do with your life right now. You're young. You don't have to have all the answers yet. You just have to be brave enough to live with the questions until the answers come along.

 

College is a big adjustment even for students who come from a milktoast middle-class neighborhood. Remember that your college has lots of services to help students who are struggling, for whatever reason: personal issues, academic issues, tutoring needs, or just somebody to talk to. They're paid to help you with that stuff; make 'em earn their keep and don't be afraid to ask for a helping hand if you need it.

 

Congratulations again on all you've achieved.

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Thank you for your recognition, I know I have come a long way, I am the only one who “kicked it in the hood” that is in a university. I guess its hard for me to leave all the respect I earned in the streets from my “little homies and big homies” it is maybe the hardest thing I ever had to do, which is leave my old friends. In college when I started in 2006 I hung out with the same stereo typical friends I grew up with in the hood, and I spent my financial aid and scholarship money all in weed smoking my life away for 2 years until all of them got kicked out and I was left there alone; and I still continue to smoke my life away…. I have other friends there too but its not the same maybe because I been used to the fast life since I was 13 years old. I lost contact with the mentors that got me into college or made sure I stayed there because they do not work for the program that got me there in the first place anymore since all the budget cuts and stuff. I guess now that I think about it its just the respect that keeps me going back “I light up more trees than Christmas time and all my hood homies know it, I get girls in the clubs; I have an image that I worked so hard to build I know its an ignorant image but I worked and put my life on the line many times to have that respect and a part of me wants the entire world to know it but I also know that will hurt me in the long run some how. I also hate making my family suffer over my dumb choices that could end in tragedy.

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You seem to know that going back to your past is bad, so I don't understand why you are doing it. You say you built up respect, but look at the people you have respect from...Is that REALLY respect? I don't know how it is fulfilling to have respect from people who do drugs and are going nowhere in life. Doesn't it sound so much better to have respect from colleagues, professors, people you work with, etc....It sounds like maybe you are too lazy to get to get to that point, which is why you are making excuses to go back to the "hood." You have an amazing opportunity right in front of you being in the UC system. Do you know how many people all over the country try to get into UC's? I am at a UC as well, and trust me, it is hard work, especially upper division. It's competitive and definitely not an easy road, but it makes you feel so accomplished. You have it in you to go places in life, not get killed on the streets.

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What you have to come to terms with is that the lifestyle (the hood lifestyle) you had is very addicting and it will always be something you will tend to fall back into when you are feeling low and insecure. You felt empowered in that lifestlye, now it's time to become empowered in a new better lifestyle, which is getting your education and building a respectable life for yourself.

 

You went from a place of being respected and knew where you stood which made you confident to a UC where you can feel insecure and not the top dog anymore. You aren't alone in that, many college students experience this in that they were top of their class in high school, and now are competing in the middle of the pack.

 

It's difficult to escape the street life, but you need to do it. That way of life has only two futures, death or prison, and if you have all this opportunity to get out of it, you should. Many don't have the opportunity you have to get out of the hood, it's a far tougher struggle for them. You have a lot going for you in that you had mentors and support to get you out, don't waste this opportunity by slipping back into the life, one slip too many and you can end up dead or in jail.

 

What you need to do is actively seek people out at university to hang out with and study with. Engineering is a difficult major, and you should now set a goal to do exceptionally well, get good grades, and study as opposed to partying. Surround yourself with new people who have goals and aspirations to achieve in school, find new mentors to keep you on track, use the resources of the college to find them...

 

Don't throw away what you have by slipping back into the life you are trying to get out of, you can do it, you have to this point, keep moving forward..

 

I wish you all the best You have accomplished a lot so far, keep going forward in a positive way!

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You know, your situation is a lot like that of a high school hero who goes off to a big college where nobody knows that he used to be a big deal back home. You were a big fish in a small pond; now you're a small fish in a big pond. That's a big adjustment. It's not surprising that you sometimes miss being a big deal, instead of just another college student working for a grade.

 

But the trouble with small ponds is that they tend to dry up. Pretty soon nobody is going to care what a big deal you were in high school, because after a few years nobody cares about high school. If you mess up this opportunity for a good education, you'll have plenty of time to hang with your old friends--but you'll be hanging with them as a college dropout, a guy who couldn't make it out there. You'll be the guy who tried for a better life and failed. I don't think that's what you want. That road leads you nowhere good.

 

Instead, think about the life you can have if you stick with it and do this right. A real career. Making something real of yourself in the world. Decent income. Decent places to live. Friends who won't drag you back down into a world full of crime and drugs and dead ends.

 

And if you make a success of yourself, you can give something back to your old neighborhood, too. You don't have to forget where you came from. You just need to stay clear of its bad influences so that you can make a better life for yourself.

 

Maybe start small. Make a promise to yourself that for the next month, you will not go near the old neighborhood. Concentrate on hitting the books and working out and spending time with people who won't tempt you into bad old habits.

 

You were smart enough to get into college. You're smart enough to get through this too.

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