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Confused about what to do...


stephiewoo

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For the past couple of months i have been meeting up with a guy at work on his break. He works nights and ususally has his break at about 12 which is about the time i would leave my now ex boyfriends house.

 

We have a spot where we meet up every night. at first we would just sit and al and then things started to lead onto other things. he has said me that he thinks he is falling in love with me and has never felt like this before.

 

the only trouble is he is in a long term relationship and has a 5 month old baby. the baby is the only reason they are together. he has liked me ever since i started at the job 18 months ago.

 

things were really great...until recently. we ended up going to his house when his partner was out for the night and ended up having sex..

 

we both felt really bad after but at the time we both said it felt right. but since then he has hardly spoken too me and has been avoiding me at work.

 

i recently broke up wth my boyfriend as i wasnt happy any more and didnt want to be with him. i told this guy this and he hasnt said anything.i didnt tell my boyfriend that i had cheated on him as it would crush him.

 

im more cut up about the guy at work not talking to me then i am breaking up with my boyfriend.

ive tried to get this guy to talk to me but feel like im coming accross too obsessive.

i know hes probably feeling terrible and his mind is a mess but i think i at least need an explanation. i feel a bit used. and mabe hes got a bit freaked out that im single now. i dont know but its so frustrating!

 

i really like this guy but i dont know what to do! any advice?

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This hits close to home for me. You have a couple of issues here. One, you were in a relationship, two he was/is in a relationship and has a kid, three you two work together. That is a recipe for a very large explosion of negative consequences usually. I know a lot about this stuff as I have been both on the rejector and rejectee end of relationships with coworkers. Sounds like this guy is suffering tremendous guilt for doing it with you while his partner was out of the house. The intensity and reality of what happens is magnified by desecrating the sacred place of another relationship. That's not a knock on you at all. It's just the facts.

 

I might recommend talking to him about the weirdness and avoidance once but if he isn't receptive, I'd leave it at that. And when you do talk to him, you must be in a good state of calmness. You cannot be on the verge of breaking down because that will make it go much worse. I know it's hard but you need to preserve some dignity so if he continues the avoidance after you confront him directly, then let it go. It is unbelievably painful when you have completely fallen for someone and they simply reject you. I know. I have been there very recently. But chasing after the person who rejects you only drains you and prevents moving forward so if he doesn't truly want to be friends or more after you talk to him, you have to leave him alone until if and when he comes to you. Anything is possible, but I wouldn't hold out hope because that keeps you stuck in the mud. Best of luck and hang in there. You are not a bad person for being in this situation.

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Why do you feel used?

 

You knew that he was in a relationship, and had a baby, yet you agreed to have sex with him anyway.

 

Since you cheated on your boyfriend, and dumped him, did you think this guy would leave his partner for a one night stand with you?

 

Please don't say that you had sex in the same bed that he shares with his girlfriend.

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I agree with everyone else on here....i would just back off. Hearing from your story, and I am sorry if I upset you or am totally off here, but maybe he was using you. You created an illusion of something he couldn't have. Maybe it was fun for him because he "couldnt" do anything with you based on relationships you both had. Could you maybe have given him what he wanted and now you are experiencing the whole "I lied to you about my feelings just to get you into bed" thing?

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Why do you feel used?

 

Ive been used before so i guess im paranoid. but i know what you mean.

 

he has talked about leaving his partner to be with me but im not pushing him to do it as i can imagine how hard it would be to leave his son.

 

i swore to myself that i didnt want to have sex with him with this situation but when the infatuation is as strong as it was between us it just sort of happened. and no it wasnt in the same bed... i feel guilty enough as it is.

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Steph, I applaud you for going 2 days. Clearly that is a tough thing to do when you have these feelings for someone. And the ironic thing is that perhaps he did use you (I am not sure, maybe the feelings were real or he thought they were) which usually makes people want the user more because it makes the person who was used doubt their self worth. You are doing great so far. Keep it up. If he does not want to associate with you, then that's his loss. I also don't want to stereotype and say that there was no meaning behind this as you both did feel something very strong. It's just that things are drastically different now. If you can hold out until god knows when without contacting him, then do so. If you cannot and need answers on the avoidance, then I would talk to him once as I said before but no more than that. Then after that he would really have to make an effort to regain you as a friend or more. Keep in mind though, all the complications that would come along with you trying to pursue this with all the landmines that you have identified in the circumstances.

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Ive been used before so i guess im paranoid. but i know what you mean.

 

he has talked about leaving his partner to be with me but im not pushing him to do it as i can imagine how hard it would be to leave his son.

 

i swore to myself that i didnt want to have sex with him with this situation but when the infatuation is as strong as it was between us it just sort of happened. and no it wasnt in the same bed... i feel guilty enough as it is.

 

 

Not to sound harsh, but never trust anyone that would leave their partner to be with you. The majority of the time it's nothing but words they use to hook you.

 

Also, would you want to be with a guy that walked away from his girlfriend, and 5 month old baby to be with you? If he can cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.

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heartgoeson raises good points, but i disagree with the "if he cheats with you he can cheat on you" thing. While this is certainly a good possibility, I think cheating has to do more with unhappiness in a relationship than someone with "the mind of a cheater" who will always do the same thing over and over no matter what. There are some serial cheaters out there who cannot function without committing adultery. Others are very specific to their own situations. That said, it is usually very difficult to make a good, healthy relationship out of an affair because it is such an upheaval to the committed person(s) relationships that it leaves a bad taste and aftermath so that does leave the door open for more cheating, but there are exceptions.

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