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Broken heart for the first time :/


nickfat

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Hi everyone. My girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up a couple of times in the past... but after we were past those things, we felt as if we were meant for each other forever. In the past couple of months, I hurt her over and over without even realizing it... I did not put enough into the relationship.

 

We broke up 3 nights ago. We are also going to college (different schools) in about a month. We thought we were gonna make it through. She fell out of love with me about a month ago and we have been trying to fix things ever since but it wasn't working and we figured it would be better to stop now and start healing before we leave for college.

 

Before we broke up, she acted as if things were getting back to normal. At one point, she freaked out about a girl on my facebook and logged into mine to "stalk her". She told me that the thought of me being with or having sex with someone else makes her sick... and I feel the same way about her. She told me that maybe we will be brought back together in the future. I told her I want to come back to her as a better guy and she asked if I meant it and said she wanted to make sure I knew she hoped for the same thing.

 

Yesterday, I texted her... I couldn't stop myself. I poured my heart out to her and told her how much she means to me and asked if there is anything I can do to fix things. She just kept telling me she was sorry and that it had to be like this and she wanted me to grow and find myself.

 

I'm so upset. I can't stop thinking about her. Every night, I worry she is with another guy. I'm so scared.

 

Thanks for any replies or thoughts. I hope I can get through this before college.

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Your going to college bro. You will meet people and probably remain in contact with her. That is up to you. If you aren't, and you go to college she will be wondering who you are with etc. if no contact is there.

 

I'd just be weary of future relationships, as there will be no relationship like the one you just had. My ex of three years left me bc I wasn't putting enough in either but there were things that I couldnt deal with anymore either. Since I have had my heart broken since that ended.

 

Dont end up like me. I almost feel washed up in relationships.

Just be weary of future girls bc by the sounds of it you had a really good girl who committed to you which is hard to find. Be careful in college bud, your going to meet a plenty.

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That's the rub heh? If a woman feels threatened by you romantically, or worries too much that you may cheat, or that you don't really love her, or that you don't value the relationships as much as she does, then she'll try, but only for a while, to do everything she can to make it work better in the hopes that she can hold onto that "feeling" inside her.

 

But if the mountain gets too tall, the ascent too steep, the journey too taxing, the only thing she can do is, eventually, let go of all those feelings so she doesn't have to feel so crappy anymore. And heh, this is why it can be soooo difficult to date a wonderful but otherwise insecure person. An insecure person will detach much easier then a secure person would once they've felt like they "can't win". And if you go too out of your way to make them feel secure then they are going to take you for granted and then feel like you're too focused on them and not living for yourself enough. Either way, you will lose in the end.

 

And it's also true that 3 years is well past that baby-making cutoff period of love. Once you venture past that threshold, both people have to really respect and trust each other on deep, deep levels to carry on much further. At your ages, it's so hard to hold onto such stuff because, again, there is so much more things to be insecure about at that age.

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I think what you said sums her up perfectly... she tried so hard and I kept failing her and now I am paying for it.

 

No, realistically, you probably didn't keep failing her. She probably kept failing herself by demanding more then you were capable of giving so that she would always feel disappointed and let down on some levels. And really, this hurts you even worse because it means that the outcome was out of your control, and that you have to relinquish the Universe in that sense.

 

Romantically, we can't stand being so vulnerable and out of control, and we always want to convince ourselves that there was something that could have been done, especially on our part, to make it better. You tell yourself this stuff so that "next time, that won't happen to me." The problem is though that you can't beat romantic insecurity. Sure, you can luck out for awhile and go pretty far with someone who would have otherwise stood no chance, but in the end, a person has a certain makeup, and it stays with them until they are ready to really grow.

 

For all the people on ENA who claim, "Well I've finally done it. I've lost them. It was all my fault", most of the time they are just trying to claim responsiblity because it's much more comfortable on our psyche that way. "If I would have just taken this step, it would have been different." That feels so much better in our hearts then, "They just didn't love me anymore, and there was nothing I could have done about it." We don't like that one bit, but in reality, it's more realisitc.

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Your going to college bro. You will meet people and probably remain in contact with her. That is up to you. If you aren't, and you go to college she will be wondering who you are with etc. if no contact is there.

 

I'd just be weary of future relationships, as there will be no relationship like the one you just had. My ex of three years left me bc I wasn't putting enough in either but there were things that I couldnt deal with anymore either. Since I have had my heart broken since that ended.

 

Dont end up like me. I almost feel washed up in relationships.

Just be weary of future girls bc by the sounds of it you had a really good girl who committed to you which is hard to find. Be careful in college bud, your going to meet a plenty.

What do you mean when you say "be careful"?

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I think what you said sums her up perfectly... she tried so hard and I kept failing her and now I am paying for it.

 

From a woman's perspective, I think it's probably a combination of factors. Perhaps you gave too little; perhaps she expected too much. Also, don't underestimate the impact of your youth. You are both so young, too young to have to fight to keep a relationship that has been on and off. You are going off to college to have more experience and it's not a bad thing to enter college when single. You will have many opportunities to meet new women.

 

What do you think of what she said to me about perhaps having another chance in the future? Should I even bother keeping my hopes up or try to let her go completely?

 

I would move on. Don't hold out hope for the future. It may happen years down the road, but if you hold on to that hope, you won't leave yourself open to finding love again with someone else.

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From a woman's perspective, I think it's probably a combination of factors. Perhaps you gave too little; perhaps she expected too much. Also, don't underestimate the impact of your youth. You are both so young, too young to have to fight to keep a relationship that has been on and off. You are going off to college to have more experience and it's not a bad thing to enter college when single. You will have many opportunities to meet new women.

 

 

 

I would move on. Don't hold out hope for the future. It may happen years down the road, but if you hold on to that hope, you won't leave yourself open to finding love again with someone else.

Well... I guess I will just keep her in my thoughts then... for now at least.

 

Thanks for all the help... I am feeling much better over the past 2 days. The first few days, I just cried and wouldn't eat and felt very depressed but I'm feeling much better now. The only thing is that I worry about if she is with another guy or something like that... it's a sick feeling.

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