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Where to go from here


boardmor

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So me and my ex broke up about a month ago. We have stayed in contact with one another for the past month here and there mostly to just get bills since we where living together. Anyway my car broke down and she gave me a ride to the grocery store we made small talk thats about it.

Once we we got back to my place I decided I would finally say what I have been wanting to say for weeks but just have been able to. I told here that I understand why she broke up with me and that I dont blame her, since I have a real problem with communications. It was actually very hard for me to just say that much less anything more. I honestly dont have a very broad range of emotion nore do I know how to control them that well when it comes to loving situations.

I really want to show her that I am willing to change and that I would do anything to work on my lack of communication skills, I'm sure it didnt come out like that but I knew if anything just a effort is better than nothing.

Anyway she called me later tonight and talk to me for a hour and half. About many things most health issues. I also have a lot of education in personal training and agreed I would help her with get back in shape. So we are going to start on that friday.

My question is there a chance of getting her back, when she makes up her mind it is almost impossible to change. I want to show I can change and become better at communicating. Of course I dont know where to start, or what to do to work on communicating with her better or proving I can change. I think she thinks that this something that i cant change but I think you can do whatever you put your mind to. I really love this girl and just cant stand the thought of losing her.

So I would appreciate any advise on this.

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Your best chance lies in not telling her how you can or have changed. Just keep doing your thing and let her notice it on her own. She was the one who called off the relationship. Let it be that way. Don't bring up the relationship if you have to see her. Ideally, you would do well to not meet her for a while. But in case you have to, keep it totally relevant to the reason you are meeting her. Don't ever bring up the past or the relationship. That is off limit.

 

When she is comfortable and has noticed that you are different person, she will broach the subject herself. Deal with it then. For now, focus on improving yourself. Also, steer clear of being a friend to her. She may bring this up at some time. Don't take it. Don't settle for being a friend if you desire to be something more than that.

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I guess I can do that, it sounds a lot easier than it is I'm sure. Especially if I am going to be her physical trainer. Also what if she is calling me shouold I keep it short or carry on a conversation. WIth the lack of communication it seems awfully hard for her to tell I am trying to make a change since that was my problem to begin with. But I will take the word of others if it means I have a fighting chance.

For me are there things I can do to work on making I change rather than clamming up or changing the subject when I am approached with thing like that.

Also probably ankother detail I should have shared was that we have had sex since we broke up and she wants to keep our sexual relations, I like the thought of that as but should or should I not.

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WIth the lack of communication it seems awfully hard for her to tell I am trying to make a change

 

This is a misconception. You don't need overt communication to convey your thoughts in such a situation. Trust me, she will know. And better than she would if you had said so. So don't think not communicating will be a problem.

 

Secondly, whenever she calls, keep it shorter than you would want. Always. Make it look like there was something more to be discussed, but you were not keen on it. And make sure you are the one who hangs up each time. End the conversation before she ends it.

 

It might not make a lot of sense right now. But from what I have seen, the things that DO make sense to us after a break up are the things that will ruin things even more. You will realize this a few weeks into it.

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we have had sex since we broke up and she wants to keep our sexual relations, I like the thought of that as but should or should I not.

 

Completely not advisable, if you ask me. It serves to satisfy both you of you in the moment. But soon you both will start feeling sick of the relationship. And then, it will turn much more ugly. Probably beyond repair, you never know. Plus, right now, after she has broken up with you, and you continue to sleep with her, you look extremely desperate and needy. You come accross as someone who will put up with anything to get some. And will also be willing to go through all kindsa crap to be around her. Not a good position to be in.

 

The key is to come out of the break up feeling as self confident and dignified as you can. Think of how you would have behaved with this girl had you met her before having feelings for her. Do only those things. Put your feelings aside for now as they are not being reciprocated.

 

Act like you don't care and that your life is just as good and livable without her being in it.

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See I am self confident and live it like I was before she left. Its just hard to say no to someone that is asking for it. I dont really feal like I am giving in to anything, we are both doing something we enjoy and get satisfaction from. I understand where you are coming from but its not like we have sex and then hang out or anything we kinda just have sex and then go on with our lives as though it was just part of our everyday schedule at least thats what I do. I just find some of this confusing since I just dont see why or where you are getting your reasons.

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See I am self confident and live it like I was before she left. Its just hard to say no to someone that is asking for it. I dont really feal like I am giving in to anything, we are both doing something we enjoy and get satisfaction from. I understand where you are coming from but its not like we have sex and then hang out or anything we kinda just have sex and then go on with our lives as though it was just part of our everyday schedule at least thats what I do. I just find some of this confusing since I just dont see why or where you are getting your reasons.

I don't know. I just think it is very damaging to both people, after a while. You don't know what your relationship is based on. Certain feelings start creeping in, you start getting irritated when they are not reciprocated. One person starts falling for the other. The other person just stays where they are. Its all a big mess and you will regret it later. Thats my take on it.

 

But as you say, maybe you are capable of handling it well. Maybe my fears are just based on what I have seen. If you think it works for you and that doing it doesn't make you any less happy than you would be without doing it, go ahead and do it! All the best!

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So I am back on here again I found it hard to take the advise I have been given. I know I have been told not to be her friend but I find that hard to do. She is my friend I would have never dated her if she wasnt. We connect in a way that I dont with others. I still come to her with my problems and she tells me about hers. We usually go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and I help her with working out. I dont see her unless its the gym. We do text each other asking a favors from one another or just letting each other no whats up. I dont let it bring me down where not together I see the what I did wrong and work on that instead to better myself. I think I have done a lot of good since we split, I stop smoking I lost 30lbs and have change my bad eating habits. Unfortinitly this all stuff I was working on doing right before the break up, but I just didnt let that stop me from doing what I had started. The thing I see is that I think we are moving more and more into just friends than anything and I dont like that. I just dont have the heart to cut her off and say I dont want to be your friend anymore you have to date. That sure as h### is not going to work and is regressing back to some of my old ways.Even though I almost wanted to early this week because of frustration but I blew it off because that was one of my problems of always getting mad over little things. I know to change takes time and thats all I have now. I wish I could show that its something I am willing do forever for her but I dont really think she is looking for that or if she is she is being a little more careful about what she shows around me. Sometimes she slips and I see her of the past but she quickly regresses as though she doesnt want me to see that. Anyway I think this is more of a rant than anything else.

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So you broke up because you don't communicate well with her? Is that the main reason, or is there more to it than that? As for the sex, it sounds like your ex just wants to use you for that but not fool with being in a relationship with you. That's why moonbug is advising against that.

 

Based on you last post, here is what I would do, for what it's worth. I would not go NC. I would remain her friend. If she broke up with you mainly because of a lack of communication from you, I would say this to her:

 

"Ex, I want you to know that I will just be your friend if that's what you want, but I DON'T want to just be friends with you. I love you and want to be with you as a couple again some day. I know I get mad easily at things, but I realize that, and am working on that. I also know I often don't communicate my feelings to you that well either, and I understand why you broke up with me. All I can say is that I care about you and want to make this work. You are worth the effort I am putting into correcting these issues I have. You are special to me and I hope you will give me a chance to prove to you I'm sincere. I realize this may take time, but I wanted you to know my heart."

 

IF you say that, you are basically laying it on the line with her. IF you say that, she can't say you don't communicate well ALL the time because you JUST DID COMMUNICATE WELL! IF you say all that, you are putting your heart out there even farther, and yes, there is a chance you could be rebuffed which will cause you more pain. BUT it will put you in a better position to get back together with her. I wouldn't expect miracles right away. She will probably watch you like a hawk to see if you mean it. IF you tell her all this, don't give her this speech again. Just once.

 

But when you do meet up with her (at the gym) or wherever, FIRST ask her how her day was, and when she answers look her in the eye and show genuine interest in her! She WILL notice this. Then later, tell her her hair looks good, or tell her you like her shoes- something specific. If at the gym, you could say, "I like those workout shoes!" Girls like that. Don't say, 'You look hot!" Or you could say, "I never noticed how pretty your hands are!" Compliment just one thing. Don't do it several times in the same visit. That will look like you're trying TOO hard. Just one thing a visit, two at the most.

 

These are all ways to communicate to her and she will know you are changing without having to tell her you've changed. Seeing will be believing for her. It's not hard. Compliment specific things about her in a genuine way and she will notice and when she talks to you, LISTEN to her. Ask her questions about what she's saying. All these things tell her that she is important to you without you ever having to say it outright after that first time above.

 

If after all this over a period of time, she still doesn't want to be with you, then it will be time to move on. I think NC is a BAD idea in your case because one of the main reasons she broke up with you is because you didn't talk to her well enough. Going NC is going to reaffirm that to her and leave you out completely! Best wishes.

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Thanks guys for the advise, I am taking it into consideration, and I have tried to take more of a effort into talking to her about her life and genuine things. It wasnt as though I wasnt interested in it before, I just wasnt considerate enough for her own feeling to ask these questions and what not. I learn that is the wrong way and that it really made my day hearing about all she had to say. I also miss talking to her. We havent had sex in a while mostly between the two schedules its kinda hard to fit it in.

Another thing when I said I get mad. I get mad in the most ridiculous way, its always over little petty stuff that I had no business getting upset about. I would also just go a day or so of no talking which I know was about the worse thing I could do. That right there I have been working on breaking the habit because like I said when I did get upset earlier last week. I made sure keep talking to her not to hide the fact that I was a little upset but just to work through that lack of communication I seem to have.

To be honest I have told her I understand why she broke up with me and my feeling for her. I left it at that and from then on we communicate I think better then when we where dating somedays. Other day it there wont be any communication, I might bring something up or whatever and if I dont really get a responce from it I leave it at that and dont push it. Then there will be days we go back and forth texting and ect. We try and make it to the gym regularly. We also have talked about other things to do like going to a concert zoo sitting here and making pasta sauce. All things I know she and I both enjoy.

I really have sat down and thought this through to figure what I did and what I can improve in myself. I am not going to take all the blame but I have a understanding of why things happen the way they did. I really dont expect strangers to help me fix every little thing. It has to come from me. I do appreciate the words of wisdom giving me the chance to able to look at this way or that way.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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