Jump to content

My girl is constantly making new guy "friends"


They Are Breadcrumbing YOU
They Are Breadcrumbing YOU

Recommended Posts

It's funny that I just gave someone advice on here regarding a situation similar to what I'm about to describe to you. I felt it more appropriate to pose my questions on a new thread rather than on his.

 

I'll start by saying I've seen similar behavior before in a previous relationship. The nuts and bolts of the situation is that my girlfriend is constantly making new guy "friends". (never girl friends) I see myself as a fairly secure and rational person but this has been troubling me for some time now. My gf is a server at an upscale Greek restaurant and we've been together a little over a year now. She is VERY attractive so naturally gets ALOT of attention from guys. The problem is not that she gets hit on, but that in my opinion she gets TOO personal and TOO friendly with her patrons. She has mostly guy friends, some girls too, but its not the girls that are stopping in to the restaurant to see her.

 

She makes great tips and (her words self-admittedly) its her friendliness and good-looks that help her do so. The problem begins is with her crossing that line beyond just being an above average server. Many of her patrons come in just to see her routinely and in many cases, she has exchanged numbers with them. We have good communication and I have no solid reason to think she's cheating, but when I ask about her new "friend", I'm "making a big deal out of nothing!" which sets off the red flags for me. Additionally, she rarely answers her phone in front of me and with the text msgs its almost always when I'm not within viewing distance and in a secretive manner. (unless its family, then she has no problem telling me all about who she's talking to!)

 

In one instance, one of her new "friends" just happened to be a professional photographer and offered to take some photos of her for free to "enhance his resume portfolio". Now, I'm no idiot and I have friends in the entertainment industry. I told her that he's just trying to get in her pants to which she replied "you're just being possessive and insecure". She took him up on his offer, but guess what, for some reason he refused to give her the proofs or even PRINTS of the pictures and he ended up repeatedly asking her out on dates. (who would've guessed)

 

By this point hopefully you can tell I'm NOT insecure and can see why this issue is becoming a problem in our relationship. She simply explains it off that she is a very "friendly" person and that she "can't help it if people like her". My problem is that I know what lurks in the minds of men and I can't seem to get her to acknowledge or understand that, even though I know she's not that naive. We've been living together for a couple months. I work full time, often til about 8pm, whereas she works about 25 hrs a week during the day.

 

What would you think???

 

-Whisperhawk

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell her to knock it off, she is immature and full well knowing this bothers you. I also work in the public, very social, VERY pretty for 44 years old, not to mention quite intelligent, and friendly...but there are lines one must not cross. Being friendly is one thing, but you mentioned the texting, and her not wanting to acknowledge the intentions of these men...she knows full well she is pretty and wants the attention of every man she comes into contact with to boost her insecurities...and yes, good looking people have ALOT of insecurities.

 

It's okay to have friends, but I think she is carrying it a bit to far...she should be old enough to know she isn't going to get something without giving up something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she's looking for the "next best thing". Iv'e dated and been in long-term relationships with girls exactly like this, and they always have a wandering eye. You need to have a serious talk with her. And explain you understand the friendliness, and even light hearted flirting for tips, but exchanging numbers with dudes? Hell no! Don't let her manipulate the situation and make you feel like you're being insecure or obsessive, she's crossing boundaries.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think you have every right to be upset here...she's being way too friendly with these men and its giving them the idea to continue pursuing her. She's being very disrespectful by not even taking your feelings into consideration. How would she feel if you had a ton of close female friends that you talked to in private on the phone or in text.

 

I think a talk here is needed in order for her to see your side of things. Obviously, if you tell her that she can't talk to these guys or hang out with them, she'll think you're crazy and controlling. But you can tell her that some of her "friendliness" is crossing the line and very inappropriate and she needs to tone it down. I mean, she's old to enough to the difference between right and wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't be too mad. She sounds a lot like me. I am very friendly and outgoing and I always think the best of people and think there intentions are pure. I have obviously been mistaken on quite a few occasions and am beginning to believe what everyone has been telling me for years, I am naive. How old is she? I am 30 and am just now starting to realize that all men that are "friends" with an attractive woman even though his intentions may be pure would ultimately have sex with her if the oppurtunity arose. I'm not saying men can't be friends with an attractive girl, I'm just saying that if he is single it's not a good idea to be friends with him.

 

Advice for you, turn it around on her. If you were to make new girl friends and were constantly chatting with them via text and phone how would she feel. If she says she wouldn't care. Make a new friend, I bet you 100% she cares, freaks out and will either change her ways or she'll start making excuses as to why it's different, then you know she either a) doesn't trust you, or b) is doing more than making "friends"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh hell to the NO. I worked at a restaurant. I didn't give my number to my guy "friends" there even when I was single. Nothing wrong with it, but far out, you dont have to give it to every guy that you strike a conversation with!

 

I would NOT stand for this.

 

SHE is the insecure one that needs their approval and is going out of her way to make them like her. She's looking for a confidence boost.

 

Give her a very stern talking to. And dont stand for the "youre being posessive" crap. If she brings it up, ask girls for their numbers in front of her. See how she feels.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've fallen into the classic trap of being called the 'insecure' boyfriend. There is no way out of this hole except to stand up for yourself, and walk out the door. Anything less, especially simply doing nothing but complain, simply devalues you in her eyes. You are no longer a challenge to her, and have little value or worth.

 

I have also dated girls like this and my experience is that these women know what they're doing is wrong, but because there are no consequences for her bad behavior (you don't break up with her), she figures there's no point in stopping.

 

The best analogy I can come up with is that it's like she can eat all the chocolate and candy in the world, and not gain a single pound. That's what all this extra male attention basically is. She can continue to flirt with all these guys, give out her number, enjoy the attention, because it does not cost her a single thing (you). Because there is no real threat of 'losing' you, she can continue to behave badly and get away with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

this question comes up alot and is very simple. women who have tons of guy friends like the attention and/or have self esteem issues (same goes for men). this behavior borders on cheating if taken too far.

the men who go along with that type of behavior are puppy-dog type men...cute and looking not to upset their lady...but sacrificing their pride in the process.

 

all good women and men know this. it's just a matter of what you'll tolerate and how highly you value yourself...obviously your partner doesn't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this question comes up alot and is very simple. women who have tons of guy friends like the attention and/or have self esteem issues (same goes for men). this behavior borders on cheating if taken too far.

the men who go along with that type of behavior are puppy-dog type men...cute and looking not to upset their lady...but sacrificing their pride in the process.

 

all good women and men know this. it's just a matter of what you'll tolerate and how highly you value yourself...obviously your partner doesn't.

 

Great response and great user name, yodalove.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Get the eff outta town. This girl is being completely inappropriate. I was a waitress in high school (you know, when I was at my prettiest and most flirtiest *nostalgic sigh* lol) and yeah, I'll agree that being so gets you a lot of extra tips.

 

But exchanging phone numbers and going to have a private photo session does NOT get you extra tips, it gets you the opportunity to get laid. Don't even bother trying to "have a talk" with her - it sounds like you've brought it up a few times enough already. She's completely immature and banking on not having to answer to you to the point where she's disrespecting your relationship entirely. How long do you want to put up with this degradation?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...