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I say that so often lately, out loud and to myself. I am very scared right now as thoughts of ending my life have been dominating me for a very long time. since I was about 13, I had problems with anxiety and depression. I tried once to end my life.

 

Lately I am feeling both emotional and physical symptoms that seems as though they are pushing me to my death. I have a hard time finding many reasons to live. At work and at home I feel pushed aside, ignored, stupid, like nothing I do is good enough. I feel very very alone as well.

 

I have only a few close friends and they do know of my issues. I have no family support with it though. My father is deceased. My mother comes from a generation that doesn't believe in such things as depression, therapy, etc. In the past when I expressed what I am experiencing, she says I am "being silly."

 

I feel as though few, if any, understand what I feel and think. I am afraid to open up to people as I do not want to be seen as a freak or a complainer. I just don't want to bother people with my problems.

 

I found this forum by Googling "I want to kill myself." I do and I don't. I want a way to feel as though I am worth keeping alive. I just don't know how to do it.

 

My feelings, especially of late, frighten me terribly and have induced panic attacks and severe anxiety. I think of shooting myself, swallowing pills, cutting my wrists, ending it with the car exhaust. I recently found myself in the cellar to look for a hose. I stopped. I am scared. I am scared to die, I am scared to live. I am scared that my mother will find me. I don't know.

 

As I said, I am not sure anymore.

 

What can you all suggest?

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Do you know what is frustrating? Writing you a heartfelt response and then having the computer shut down! To sum up what I had written I just wanted to let you know that I may not be able to ever understand what you are going through, but I can sympathize. I have been dealing with something very similar. It's been a very mentally and physically painful and draining ordeal for me. I can only imagine what you are going through. I don't have many friends. I really don't have any. I also don't have any family except for my mother. Although I could talk to my mother it would be done so on to deaf ears as she feels that I need to suck it up and deal with it. She believes that the issues I bring up and try to deal with are simply excuses and she won't tolerate it. So I get it, trust me It's the worst to feel alone. I got to the point where I found myself with a blade not too long ago. I couldn't do anything. I sat alone, cold and numb looking at the blade in my hand. No thoughts, just blank. The next day I called my doctor and she set me up with a professional to speak with. It's going to take time. I just try to think that there has to be something great out there. There are so many people. So many places. I want to travel. I want to find others who are like me. It's ridiculous that so many people look down upon others if they aren't happy all the time. We are supposed to feel pain just not constant. I'm saddened to know that you are in so much pain. all I can tell you is that I can relate. I would hope that you could attempt to give yourself at least another chance. Try to speak with someone. It takes time I know. And I know how scary the process is. You said that you don't want to die. I believe you and I get it. Find something out there to hold on to. I have my dog The best part of the day is when I go for a walk with him to the park and we sit alone and quietly on the bench together. I get to gather my thoughts and spend time with complete unconditional love. When I feel down I try to think of what would happen to him. If I was gone he would go to a shelter and he's not the easiest dog to handle so I know (I work in a shelter) that he would be euthanized. That alone keeps me going. How unfair would it be to do that to him? How selfish. I hope that you can find something to hold on to. To keep you going. You are here for a reason. If I can offer anything I can offer my support. Write you thoughts down. keep them out of your head. Find something you care about and focus on it. Over time it will happen. Today is a good day for me. Tomorrow might be bad, but I'm hoping it will only get better with time. I hope the same for you.

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If you are not sure and you end your life that is permanent - you can't change your mind.

 

At least you have a few good friends. Please try to look at the positives in your life.

 

I tried to commit suicide 7 years ago. I was saved. So many things have happened since then. Good and bad. That is the ebb and flow of life. Many days I wish I had succeeded, many days I don't.

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I do have a doctor appoint (for another reason) on Monday and I will discuss what is happening with her. Perhaps she can make a suggestion to see a therapist, psychiatrist or something. I feel so disconnected from everything...as if I am insignificant. I don't feel jealousy of others who are happy or anything like that. I feel as though I just don't fit anywhere. I am single, professional, make a good salary, have wonderful friends, stay as active as possible. So what is it? A short circuit in my brain? A chemical imbalance? Am I just spoiled in some weird way? I don't drink or smoke or take drugs. I cannot say what it is.

 

My job does come with a tremendous amount of stress. I often wonder if I don't deal with stress properly.

 

Oh well. I appreciate your input so much. It is comforting to know I am not the only one who feels this way. It is comforting to see that while so many of us have come to a point where suicide is an option, there are just as many who are trying to learn to live with it.

 

I hope I can find something.

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I wish you so much luck with speaking to someone. If you are anything like me and many, many others you might find yourself sitting in someone's office wondering what the hell you are doing there. Trust me though, stick with it for a minute. Maybe after a couple of sessions you find that the person just isn't right for you so search for another, but please don't abandon it right of the bat. Slowly over time with the help of a doctor you will start to unravel truths that maybe you have forgotten or misplaced. The doctor will hopefully give you all the help you need to find out what's going on and where you can go from here.

 

I have found that I lost myself in a job that did not make me happy and I had to move on. The pay was okay, but it was all i had. I found that slowing down at work and learning how to properly deal with the stresses associated has helped some. Try to give yourself a break and room to breath. A "mental health" day every now and then never hurt anybody. I'm not advocating irresponsibility and skipping work left and right, just a day or two to relax and re coupe.

 

Good luck and remember if you ever need to simply vent ENA is always available

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