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I need some serious advice, I have no idea what to do, its 4am here and everyone that i would turn to is asleep and i just need to get something off my chest and get opinions on it. So the forums is my only outlet


My friend Gareth and I meet two years ago, we connected instantly and after a while started a friends with benefits arrangement. A few months later i realized that i liked him i didn't tell him i just asked if we could further our relationship. He said we were just 'friends' and we continued our sexual relationship. The sex was great so i decided to just forget my feelings and be friends. Gareth at this point in time was depressed, a good friend having committed suicide and all his friends just sort of disappeared. I guess i became a support for him. So i often invited him over, he stayed most weekends. I acted as a friend and tried to help him.


Then my dad passed away, Gareth was there for me he took time off work, drove me to Grafton for the funeral he brought me some stuff that i hadn't been able to afford at the time...new shoes, some clothes. It was his turn to cheer me up i suppose. He stayed a week with me and my family and we came home. I had to move into my aunts back from and quit my job. I felt completely lost without my dad, he was my best friend and everything that i enjoyed just sort of died with him. I lost myself.


This was apparently the time Gareth started to have feelings for me.


Now im the type of person who needs to be told what your thinking, and your feelings. I don't get subtle hints and what not. Especially when im convinced we are just friends. I got a new job closer to my aunts, and started to draw again after a while, i started hanging with my friends and being back to my old self.


I started seeing someone else and he got really upset at me, i told him that he had no right as he keeps saying we are just friends...i asked him if his feelings had changed, he said no. He wouldn't tell me why he was so upset. I ended things with the person i was seeing, not just because of Gareth but because the guy was wrong for me and disagreed on alot of my views. Gareth and i started having sex. Every weekend he would drive the 30mins to my aunts house to sleep over and some times when his parents let it, i slept over at his. He started to become depressed again and would not tell me why, so i just gave up asking him what was wrong and decided to be there for him.


Then he took me on a holiday that he was meant to go on with a friend, but he had to cancel. He took me and i agreed to pay him back. He took me to these nice cabins and let me pick what we wanted to do. It would have been very romantic if i had realized at the time he was trying to tell me he liked me.


A couple of weeks passed and he eventual told me, said he wanted to try. I a said okay lets try. I waited for him to ask me out, but he never did so i was a little like * * * .


Then he meet Dot and started talking to her, she at the time had a bf of 7 years. A couple of weeks later he decided to tell me he didnt want to try anymore and i was like 'but we never started..' I was extremly confused and upset and had no idea what was going on. I became jealous when he told me about how dot had broken up wiht her bf and him and her where gonna try. He then stop calling me spending much time together...which was understandable, if he had given me warning. I carried on with life, im used to moving on from friends and change. Then he started talking to me saying we needed time apart so we could move on...ok got it check. we hung out when he went to paintball practice and sometimes went to the movies. We had sex...at this point he told me he wasnt sure about dot, i think she was controlling and very moody. i didnt really ask much about her, i didnt want to know honestly.


On my birthday i had to plead to get him to come, so he came... i ended up in a grumpy mood because my best friend had bagged out on my birthday, but i was happy that gareth came, but he was upset the night...tried talking to him but couldnt get an answer. He was messaging dot alot and getting upset.


He apparently hadn't told her he was hanging out with his best friend at paintball and movies, she got pissed at him and guilted him...this is wear i got worried about him if he actually went into a relationship with her.


i backed off, but had a few fights with him about how he told me he liked me and then just left me and we didnt even try. We agreed this whole thing was stupid and that we are friends and thats how it should be, i even told dot, that i just want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then thats how i want it.


I went to a little sex party and Gareth found out. He got upset and cut himself, i rang him and cried and told him to get his butt over to my house, i looked after him and cleaned the cuts.


The next week we started having sex, then just last week he told dot he was sick of her controlling him and wanting him to quit the only sport he has ever been interested in. then he spent most of the weekend at my place.


THe thing is, i dont want to end up farted again and emotional confused. Him going with dot brought me to wicca which in turn made my passion for drawing and painting come back. I dont want to be his dirty little secret. but i dont know what to say to him to get my point accross.


I feel like the next time i see him im just going to yell at him, which is not the best way with gareth because he shuts himself off.


I just feel so lost atm and i dont want to feel my heart break because of him again.


I should at this point say that i love him very very much, more then i ever felt with my ex-fiance.


Sorry its so long, just felt like i had to get the story accross

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What do you want?

If you want to be in a relationship with him ( a real relationship) then you need to tell him how you feel and quit playing this guessing game.

This friends with benefits has gotten really messy as they often do. It is time to stop having sex with him and figure out what you want for your life. You cannot be responsable for him. He needs to do that for himself.

If he really wants to be with you then he needs to quit talking to the other person. He basically is getting you for sex and her for a relationship and sex I suppose.


This doesn't sound at all healthy for anyone involved.

Step back and look what this has become.



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I agree with lostandhurt. If you want a relationship then you need to say so. There is nothing wrong with the woman being the one to start the relationship. Just talk to him, and explain that you love him and want to go out with him. If he wants to go out with you, make sure that you two are both clear on the fact that this is now a dating relationship, not just friends with benefits. Once that is established, then everything else should work itself out.

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard


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