ANOTHER bad falling out with boyfriend today

[mca1975]

 

 

Well we had an argument on text yesterday about me giving notice on my flat, which I also posted under "So mad with boyfriend". We agreed to disagree on it and moved on from it, but maybe we didn't discuss enough I don't know.

 

We were together last night and it was ok, but not the greatest night we have had. All was well this morning, except he didnt feel very well.

 

Well we are meant to be going away for the weekend this weekend to meet my dad's side of the family and it's really important to me (even though my dad won't be there as he is estranged).

 

He loves family things, but he was asking last night who would be there and where would we sleep etc. It made me wonder if he didn't really want to go.

 

Well today he has text me to say that he doesn't think he can come because he has no money. He has got money troubles at the moment I know that, but we don't hardly need any money for this trip and I have some money anyway. It is all arranged and he has just dropped out at the last minute. It's just embarrassing as they have arranged for us to sleep at my cousins and everything!

 

I text back to say Please you must go, please it's really important to me and then he called. I said I was upset and then I accused him of not wanting to go at all and we slammed the phone down on each other. Then the text arguments started again and now he says that he has had enough and thinks I am just a spoilt brat and that he doesn't even want to see me right now, let alone spend a weekend with me! I have not heard from him since then, a few hours ago, as I thought I had better leave it for a while. I am quite angry with him also though!

 

I know I was a little angry when I accused him of not wanting to go, but he then accused me of always being "on the take", which has really peed me off.

So much in my life have I been let down by boyfriends with these sort of things and it used to cut like a knife, it felt like that was happening all over again! He is good to me he really is, but I am just shocked as I feel really let down and he has never done that before. He says I am selfish.

 

He would be very upset if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Now I think I will have to go away alone, well with my parents, without him and just lie to everyone and say he hasn't got any money to come. I am worried that they will think he is not serious about me!

 

Feeling let down....

[savignon]

I can say "don't worry what other people think" a lot easier than I can practice it. He DID say he hasn't got enough money to make the trip, so you're not lying if you say that. I'd rather do that than go with someone while there was so much tension between us.

[mca1975]

Well I would be SO worried about dropping out of something that was arranged. I always have a sneaky feeling that he has got money anyway. He said to me that I am always on the take, which is rubbish. Sometimes I feel he is just saying he hasnt got any money. I dont even want his silly money! grrr...

[free2Bme]

Hmmm, I'd be a little embarassed to say he had no money to go, considering it is costing next to nothing.

 

Poor you, I'd feel very let down as well. Maybe there is still tension there, if you didn't talk things through thouroughly about the moving in together problem, then he may be harbouring some bad feeling about that still.

 

Time for a heart to heart I think, to get everything out in the open, dealt with, and hopefully get past the upset.

[hockeyboy]

Hanging up on each other, having argument via text, not respecting what's important to you, blowing you off last minute....you sure you should be moving in with him right now?

[annie24]

Hanging up on each other, having argument via text, not respecting what's important to you, blowing you off last minute....you sure you should be moving in with him right now?

 

exactly.................

[mca1975]

Yeh I am embarrassed. It's just lame. They (my family) will all be like, what? He doesnt need much money anyway, if any...?

 

He basically doesn't want to go that's what I reckon, but why?

 

I am so angry with him. I think it's expected I would be angry and upset, but I just get called selfish and then he throws in that I just TAKE TAKE TAKE, when he knows I am so paranoid about money!! grrr

 

I tell you what, I certainly dont feel like moving in with him now, its pathetic!

 

We are meant to be going away together next weekend down to his family by the sea, well if we do end up making up, maybe I will pull out of that and see how he likes it!!

[hockeyboy]

We are meant to be going away together next weekend down to his family by the sea, well if we do end up making up, maybe I will pull out of that and see how he likes it!!

 

retaliation is another bad quality in a relationship....i would definitely reconsider moving in.

[Catdancer]

MCA...I've read your threads and even supported you jumping in head first with this guy...but your thread yesterday and now this one has me reconsidering. There are too many indicators that this is not a steady, stable, healthy relationship.

 

I think you should reconsider moving in with him and back off a little. Take this weekend to yourself and really think about things.

[mca1975]

Well, thing is, I have already called my Landlords yesterday about moving out, and they weren't happy with me doing that anyway, because I have rent arrears.

 

So if we don't move in together now, I'm kind of risking being chucked out now anyway!

 

And the thing is, it was HE that made me call them yesterday!!!!!

[Ms Darcy]

Hanging up on each other, having argument via text, not respecting what's important to you, blowing you off last minute....you sure you should be moving in with him right now?

 

 

Ding ding ding.

 

From your previous threads, I have always urged you to reconsider moving in until you had a lot more time under your relationship belt. I still think you should reconsider.

 

Also in my response to your other thread I said (I don't know if you saw it) that you must tell him that he is not responsible for your behavior and circumstances - that you are. Accordingly, he didn't actually force you to call your landlords; you made that decision. And although you notified them, it doesn't mean you can't at least talk to them if you change your mind. Isn't that what you would do if you and he broke up?

 

It sounds like you two have some serious issues to talk through. There are three points I am sensing from your posts.

 

One, that you seem to place a lot of blame on him for the conflict (he made you do this, he won't let you do that, he doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you've made for him). In this case I think both of you are responsible for the escalation of the conflict. I had never even heard of 'text fighting' until this forum. Just don't do it.

 

Two, this man has some bitterness towards you. It sounds like he thinks you are trying to take advantage of him financially perhaps? You two need to flesh that one out as well, because financial resentment alone can end the relationship.

 

Three, I wonder if he isn't starting to get 'fed up' with this relationship. This last point is really up for you to decide. Is his fighting style more hostile than in the past? Is he more demanding of you and less patient/willing to work things out than before? If you are noting changes in behavior towards the negative, then I think you should be concerned that his feelings for you may be decreasing.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well I would be SO worried about dropping out of something that was arranged. I always have a sneaky feeling that he has got money anyway. He said to me that I am always on the take, which is rubbish. Sometimes I feel he is just saying he hasnt got any money. I dont even want his silly money! grrr...

 

Not to dissect things but that to me doesn't sound good. Where's the trust? Why would you be with someone you think is lying to you about not having money to get out of things, etc?

Not a good thing to have in any relationship. Not just romantic ones.

 

 

Secondly, maybe he was asking what the sleeping arrangements where, just so he'd know? He's going into an entirely new situation. I don't see why there was a need to get snappy unless he was making excuses about going then and there.

 

Now the part about saying he doesn't have money, LAST MINUTE and cancelling, yes that would peeve me off too. Then again if he doesn't want to come, he doesn't. It really depends if he's being genuine and CAN't or is just saying it to get out of plans and do other stuff.

 

Maybe he's nervous? Or like others said, maybe he'd rather not have to put up with the tension.

 

I think you both need to learn to calm down a bit. Stop texting arguments. Pick up the phone and calmly explain your sides of the story next time.

[mca1975]

Well, I have no idea why we are arguing so much this week. I think it's stress, we were getting along fine before this week and so looking forward to moving in together. He is stressed about having no money and I'm stressed about the impending move, as I hate moving house.

 

I think we are both quite stubborn and set in our ways and that leads us to argue sometimes. Basically, he has worked really hard on a job for two whole months, but there were lots of problems with it, and now he has been paid, he has nothing left for himself, so he is pretty angry.

 

He says he was upset at me comparing him to my other not-so-nice boyfriends, which I guess was wrong (because I pointed out that they used to do that to me all the time, drop out of trips at the last minute because they didnt want to go), but he says that he DOES want to go. Also he argues that I did not even give him a chance to explain about the money before going off at him, which is correct.

 

I went round to him last night and we talked but he is just so down about having no money and says he hasn't got a penny and he knows that I don't have much either. However, he is now going to come and said he thinks it would be good to get away right now, then he apologised later on for getting so angry and said that he was just very wound up.

 

I find it hard to handle when he is down and moaning, it makes me feel down too.

 

I know its me aswell, I can be a nightmare. I think this may be no more than a case of taking things out on each other?

[mca1975]

Three, I wonder if he isn't starting to get 'fed up' with this relationship. This last point is really up for you to decide. Is his fighting style more hostile than in the past? Is he more demanding of you and less patient/willing to work things out than before? If you are noting changes in behavior towards the negative, then I think you should be concerned that his feelings for you may be decreasing.

 

I'm sorry, I really don't agree with this. He is incredibly passionate about me and is forever telling me he can't wait to marry me someday. We are a great couple, I think we are just having a bad week. He is incredibly sensitive, always talks about feelings, is very affectionate and he does always put me first.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry, I really don't agree with this. He is incredibly passionate about me and is forever telling me he can't wait to marry me someday. We are a great couple, I think we are just having a bad week. He is incredibly sensitive, always talks about feelings, is very affectionate and he does always put me first.

 

I also don't buy the "feelings decreasing" but it is about actions. It depends on how you and he act on your various feelings, whether those feelings are passion, resentment, joy, or feeling down. It's all too tempting to act on negative feelings by lashing out at the other person who lives with you even if it has nothing to do with that person, and that becomes a cycle very fast. I'm sure you're aware of this, but it sounds like you're very focused on the finances and logistics of moving out -- and I would focus more on your communication style and dynamics (including a complete ban on fighting by typing to each other).

[Ms Darcy]

As annoying as this is to you, you have to realize that this is going to magnify when you live together. You'll take things out on each other when stressed. And life is often stressful so that's not going to end. He'll remain stressed with work and money. He'll remain, very likely, down about that subject. And you willl feel brought down about it as well. What will change is that you will spend even more time together so there will be more opportunities to fight.

 

One of the best signs that a relationship won't last for the long term is the way a couple fights. Another is how quickly and thoroughly a couple resolves conflict. Just a couple of things to think about.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry, I really don't agree with this. He is incredibly passionate about me and is forever telling me he can't wait to marry me someday. We are a great couple, I think we are just having a bad week. He is incredibly sensitive, always talks about feelings, is very affectionate and he does always put me first.

 

I also don't buy the "feelings decreasing" but it is about actions. It depends on how you and he act on your various feelings, whether those feelings are passion, resentment, joy, or feeling down. It's all too tempting to act on negative feelings by lashing out at the other person who lives with you even if it has nothing to do with that person, and that becomes a cycle very fast. I'm sure you're aware of this, but it sounds like you're very focused on the finances and logistics of moving out -- and I would focus more on your communication style and dynamics (including a complete ban on fighting by typing to each other).

 

There is nothing to buy because there is nothing being sold Batya. If you read carefully, notice I wondered if that was the case and asked if it was so rather than asserted as such. It's a conditional statement, not a declarative one.

 

MCA, I hear what you are saying. What we get from the relationship is what you post here so I have to ask and thanks for completing the picture.

[mca1975]

Thanks Ms Darcy, I know it is very hard to get the whole picture from just some posts and also it is always a one-sided view on here isn't it as we don't have the other partners to ask for their views. We are actually a very well-matched couple, we are so similar with our sense of humours, our interests, we are both very affectionate and passionate people. We are both crude (lol) and have the same views on a lot of things.

 

Everyone around us considers us to be perfect together, if a little similiar. I won't lie, I have had a problem with men for a long time, with trust, and I tend to paint him with the same brush at times, which infuriates him, because he promises that all he wants is to care for me and protect me and he does make me feel that way, but I have a lot of anger inside me at times. He is extremely loyal and he is always looking out for me. I get paranoid sometimes and feel that he is trying to get one up on me or something, or to manipulate me and when I communicate this to him, he is very hurt.

 

This has been one of the biggest fights we have had and it hurts us both each time but I do agree, we need to concentrate and work on our communication. I tend to flare up quickly at him if he doesn't do what I expect, out of panic almost, and he tends to then get very defensive and angry, but never to the point where I am afraid or anything. On most occasions when we argue, we always get over it very quickly, and most of the time, we end up just looking at each other and laughing. In fact, I see a lot of my own faults in him. Basically we are both opinionated.

 

I'm not sure how this will fare in the future, but I want to take that chance. I need to move out of my flat, I hate it there, I want to be living with him, I need to move on, with him.

 

I can only think of one other big argument we have had in the past, all the others are small. I know we will argue at times and take out stress on each other, but we will have to promise to not let it become set in a damaging pattern and like I said above, work on our communication.

[free2Bme]

Me and my boyfriend rub off on each other like this too. When one of us is moody, we bicker and end up both being moody.

 

The key we have found is to not let things get out of control, when things starts spiralling we tend to recognise it now and stop each other from carrying things on further.

 

Sometimes when I look back at something we argued about, it seems so silly, but we have both blown it out of proportion, thankfully we are quick to make up and get back to normal, and I think that's the main thing, we don't harbour grudges, we'll deal with them and move on.

 

I'm sure all will be fine

[mca1975]

Me and my boyfriend rub off on each other like this too. When one of us is moody, we bicker and end up both being moody.

 

The key we have found is to not let things get out of control, when things starts spiralling we tend to recognise it now and stop each other from carrying things on further.

 

Sometimes when I look back at something we argued about, it seems so silly, but we have both blown it out of proportion, thankfully we are quick to make up and get back to normal, and I think that's the main thing, we don't harbour grudges, we'll deal with them and move on.

 

I'm sure all will be fine

 

Thank you free2Bme, I think you are right, we need to stop it before it escalates and we are both guilty of escalating it into gigantic proportions. In fact, we had a conversation today about it on the phone and we both agreed that we had both contributed to the argument by totally overreacting. Will have to agree to recognise, resolve and move on in future like you said. x