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Things that are bothering me ... and what do I do about them...


soursobgirl

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Hi all,

 

Lets put it this way... its nearly a year that I have been with my bf ... and I am sitting here writing this and thinking how did we make it this far.

There is always something that I am upset about I dont know if its my own paranoia or it really is an issue.

 

1. The gym - Firstly my SO is a type 2 diabetic at first he didnt excercise at ALL and was overweight ( slightly ) and now he goes to he gym Mon,tue,weds,thurs and sat.... and I go to the same gym as him but we dont work out together. Anyway by the time we finish work at 5 go home and change and then go home we are too pooped to see eachother. It will be around 8.30 and I have to get ready for the next day wash my hair etc and he will be tired from work. So we just chat online and then go to sleep around 11.00 cause I can do things in the house while he is online. Now it seems we only spend one or two days a week with eachother and spend all of Saturday and Sunday together. Is this enough?

 

2. Alone time. WE dont get any ever. He lives with his mum still and I live with my grandpa due to my financial situation. His mum sits with us on the couch never goes out. Sunday day is "family day" for him and his sister comes over for a Sunday roast and then usually stay til about 3-4pm then again we might go out to the movies and do something. Saturday night would consist of either going to my house and watching movies or his house with his mum and she will watch movies with us. He doesnt have a TV in his room and his mum openly said she would find it rude if we were to leave her in the TV room alone and we went in his bed room alone. I mean I would find it rude too if I was a mother and my son shut the door with his gf. I guess this is another thing that is causing massive distance between us. We do have lunch every day but it will consist of walking through the city of where we work.

 

3. His age. He is 30 years old ...I know this is a touchy subject but... his dad died and left his mother alone. His sister is a total BASKETCASE and everyone knows this. The mother cannot communicate with her at all and then my boyfriend is put in the middle alot of the time. The mother will come home and complain to him etc. Alot of people when I say this to them will say. " he's never moving out " ..."leave him now he's a lost mommys boy". I hate hearing this. It puts ideas in my head that things will never progress with him and me. I mean we are going to the USA for a huge trip in November. Just me and him. She didnt complain that we were going etc. I thought as a "mummy's boy" she would have kicked up a fuss but she didnt. I just hate hearing people tell me I am with someone that's a dead end. I am scared I am wasting my time with him, what if he never commits? He has no plans to move out yet and before we went into a serious relationship he said he would want to know the person at least 3-4 years before gettign engaged. Me on the other hand is 26 years old, I would be 30 years old and engaged if this EVER was to happen. I mean it feels okay for me...

 

 

I hope someone out there can give me some good advice, I dont know what to do and I am so confused.

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If you would have to be thirty by the time you found out if you'd be marrying him, I think it'd be better not to tie yourself down to this guy. You would have wasted a big chunk of your life.

 

Its not reasonable for his mother to expect you to sit with her, rather than you and he have 'alone' time. That isn't healthy. The fact that he accepts it isn't a good sign either.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't stick around. He does seem to be pretty settled in there.

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I'm going to side with offplanet here.

 

His age and unresolved family issues are serious problems here. It's understandable that death in the family can cause a lot of anxiety and loneliness that family needs to support each other through it. What is unhealthy is that his mother is not letting her son live out his adult life. At the age of 30 he should try to have his own place and his own adult privacy. If his mother is still grieving about the loss of her husband to the point she can't separate herself from her own son, then she needs to see counseling immediately.

 

Unfortunately, it's not your place to tell him what he should be doing. However, you need to make it clear to him that you are not happy with this type of settlement. I doubt it will change anything because he is so close to his mother, but you need to be with someone who can make you happy and be there for your needs too. He sounds like he is the kind of person who will drop everything he's doing to help his mother out... are you ok with that?

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He doesnt have a TV in his room and his mum openly said she would find it rude if we were to leave her in the TV room alone and we went in his bed room alone. I mean I would find it rude too if I was a mother and my son shut the door with his gf. I guess this is another thing that is causing massive distance between us.

 

I think his mother clearly has some issues because neither mine nor my boyfriend's family find it rude when we go off into one of our rooms to be alone. Once when I was visiting his country (we're long distance) his family even went away for the weekend so we could have some privacy which was their idea. They don't do it every time but they just feel that sometimes couples like to be alone. I think his mother clearly just doesn't like being alone and it feels like she's using her sone to fill the missing void left from his father. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to realise that this is hindering him from starting his own life. The problem is I think that bringing this up is likely to cause arguements and problems. It's a case of tough luck for your boyfriend, if you don't stick around he'll realise that his living situation is driving girlfriends away. The question is, do you want to stick around like this for a few more years?

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I have to defend 30 as an age first....it's not old! I got engaged when I was 33 and don't feel like any of my life was wasted away by dating some frogs before I found my prince.

Okay, with that out of the way.....my concern would be that even after 2 or more years of dating, how well will you have gotten to know him when there are always family around? I mean, to make a decision to spend your life with someone, you want to have a good idea of how things will be in YOUR home together, in YOUR lives together.... that would be hard to determine if we couldn't spend a lot of time together.

PS...one of the guys I met while I was dating lived at home but was this successful NY investment kind of guy...tall, handsome, wore a suit to work, worked for a great company, made great money...So I wondered why he still lived at home but didn't know how to bring it up without being insulting. One day I asked "So, do you have plans to live on your own?" and he was like, "Why would I do that? I have everything I need here!". Shortly after that he got a remote control helicopter from his mom for xmas

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Well our sex life is non exsistant also.

I really dont find him attractive or have any feeling toward him. its weird... I go through stages... its nearly been a month with no sex and he is okay with it. He tried to initiate it on the weekend with me alone in his lounge room while his mother was asleep in the front room and I felt revolting so I didnt persue it.

 

I think I am over it.

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you dont feel attracted to him and he clearly has issues , what normal guy wants to sit and hang with his mom ? he needs to look at things from your point of view and he needs to get his own place , his mom needs to move on with her life and not cling to her adult son, and she should want him to find someone and have a life and be happy,

sounds like you need to break things off with him and soon . best wishes .

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If you are not attracted to him then the rest is probably irrelevant unless you think you can revive the spark or work on that. I found the whole gym/exercise routine an excuse -- I too have the "wash my hair" thing but you know what - when you're a couple you find ways to shift your schedules or you wash your hair while you're together and style it after he leaves, the next morning, or quickly/halfway while he's over.

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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