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Struggling with getting over liar


mrvaughn

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Hi all. Guess i'm posting this to get some words of encouragement with this as it's still a bit of a struggle:

 

About two and a half years ago a girl started in my work & we immediately hit it off & became close friends. I could tell she was attracted to me but at that time i didn't think of her that way.

 

After a short period of time i did develop feelings for her too, but i didn't act on them as she had a bf and a young son too. However the way we were with each other in work, it appeared to others that we were "more than friends". We were very touchy feely and most suspected we were getting up to stuff in private (however we did nothing sexual in any way). I'm annoyed with myself that i allowed us to behave that way as it goes against my beliefs when it comes to someone who has a bf.

 

She recently got told she was getting re-deployed to another office & was having probs with the bf (looked like they were breaking up) so i suggested that we give 'us' a try.

 

She said OK & asked me to be patient and let her do things in her own time & we'd get together (she recently got her son back as she was raped at a party when 16 and her aunt took custody). She's 21 now.

 

So time was going by and she was starting to give me mixed signals. At first she would mention it a lot, but when i did she'd get all red faced and just say "be patient & let me do this in my own time". That was a red flag for me that she'd changed her mind. We did a lot of convo over work e-mail & one day she'd say we would get together, the next it'd be probably, and so on. We said we'd go to lunch a lot after she left but it would never happen & when I asked why she said it was coz she didn't feel comfortable on her own with guys she hadn't "been with" yet. (this made no sense as we were best friends & wasn't a problem before, so again a red flag, but she was still asking me to be patient for her)

 

It all drove me nuts as in the previous 6 months, my feelings developed from an interest in her to love. I ended up getting a bit obsessive as i didn't want to get hurt and accused her of waiting to see if the bf was going to split with her. She said I hurt her by saying this but it did appear to me that this was the most logical explanation for her behaviour. And then I made the mistake of apologising a lot when I had already explained my concerns to her. I think she should have understood.

 

Eventually we stopped talking after we got caught using the e-mail in work which is a no-no and got a formal warning. She told me that I only had myself to blame and that she was staying with the bf as she'd had enough.

 

It was quite devastating to think that i'd ruined something i saw as so important to me. But here's the kicker....said she got raped & had a kid...she lied. It was a fabrication...no truth whatsoever & I know that to be a fact.

 

So my instict not to trust her was correct. Tbh there were a number of things she said over the time we were together that i thought may have been a lie, but we were mates & I trusted coz that's what you do for a friend don't you.

 

It doesn't make getting over her any easier, but now I can relax a bit thinking that, not only did she lie a lot, but the way we behaved in work means that I could never trust her not be like that with some other guy. Before you'd know it i'd be in the same boat as her current boyfriend (only worse coz i'd know she could be doing that behind my back). The trust is gone & part of my 'impatience' and going nuts was always down to trust issues. I think I wanted her to end it with the bf as soon as possible so at least i'd know that if she found someone else when we were an item she'd do the right thing & not keep some dude in the background.

 

As I say, I did love her but the trust has gone, but it doesn't make this any easier. It's normal to feel this way isn't it. I mean, surely after such lies, most wouldn't give it a second thought, would they? Even though it's over & I don't want her, the thought of her breaking up with the bf & getting with someone else drives me a bit mad. Weird, eh?

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What's going on with you that you are willing to pursue someone in a relationship and clearly not available?

 

I understand what you are saying but the relationsip between them appeared to be coming to an end & it was obvious that there was a lot between us. She gave the impression that she wanted to get together too. I don't know what happened after that but i agree with scorpion...she could do this with anyone (and i'd prob be none the wiser, although would constantly suspect her). So yeah she can be someone elses headache now, lol

 

Getting over the physical attraction is the hardest part now. She wasn't especially attractive but the fact i was in love with her & felt comfortable with her (I've not had that much sexual experience) i can't help but thinking of her eyes, smile (bum, lol). I wish I didn't focus on that part as much now. But my view of her personality has totally changed. Wish i could stop thinking of the physical

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so if a hot married woman was coming on to you and it looks like she will be getting a divorce you would hook up?

 

i'm not sure how her being with her bf is being behind your back.

 

No.

 

I think you misunderstand. I'm saying that if she finished with the boyfriend & we got together i'd worry that she'd do to me what she has been doing to her current boyfriend.

 

I saw her today as it happens & those feelings i had have gone. Just drove past her without looking back. Felt good. I'm over it...at last

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well it's been 6 weeks of NC & i've had a bit of a struggle today. I keep going over everything in my head. What I said...what she said. What I did wrong & what could have been done differently.

 

Even though I know she lied to me about having a kid and prob a lot of other stuff...I'm still struggling to get over her.

 

I also keep thinking about how much fun we'd have in work together & it stings a lot to know that it's gone forever.

 

I would never be able to trust her coz she was a certain way with me in work and she will prob do this to some other guy & the bf will be none the wiser (plus all the bad things she said he did to her is prob all lies too).

 

But I'm still finding it hard. She said to be patient & wait for her to sort things out, but I couldn't do it coz I felt I could see 'red-flags'. Even though I think that I was just the 'back-up' bf, I keep thinking "what if I WAS patient?"...Would we get together?...

 

But then, she is a liar & I know that it could never work bcoz of that. I keep thinking that if she does end up splitting with the bf now & gets with someone else, i'll be kicking myself knowing that her new guy will be having the fun 'we' were supposed to have...

 

But again...liar...why would I still feel like this about someone I can't trust?...Oooh, My head is soo messed up right now ](*,)

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