Jump to content

New relationship ruined by relapse


Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

Some of you might remember my story. Short version: lasted 1.5yrs, lived together, I'm 32 she was 28, dreams of marriage/kids, broke up in March... tried to reconnect after 6 weeks NC, got shot down big time...

 

It has been complete NC since May 1st. I had done a lot of new stuff, exercising like crazy, lost heaps of weight, got a whole new wardrobe, went on a holiday, dated new people, caught up with old friends etc etc. I felt like a new man.

 

I met a new girl and at first we were just friends. 3 months passes by since the breakup and I decide that I am finally ready to try a new relationship with her.

 

Everything is great for the first two weeks then it hits like a tonne of bricks: a relapse. My ex, who had hidden her Facebook profile for over a year makes it visible again. At first she has me blocked so I can't see any of her details, she then unblocks me with most of her "info" still hidden. Her photo is an old one. The only recent activity is "is no longer in a relationship"...

 

It's torture.

 

I can see her but she has absolutely no info or status updates. I ask myself "what's the point of doing this"??? I think about her too much now, I've had dreams of her and have woken up in a withdrawn, melancholic state which affects me for days.

 

My current girlfriend has recognised a change in me. I am emotionally unavailable, I go into quiet contemplation suddenly, I am distant when I am around her. To make it even worse, sometimes things we do together make me feel a sense of dejavu with my ex.

 

Now I am in a state of limbo. How can I move forward with someone when I am haunted by ghosts of the past? I feel like I'm dragging a sack of potatoes up a hill... Held back by memories of my ex, while struggling to climb a steadily increasing slope of reasons to break it off with my current girlfriend.

 

My new gf knows it. She knows it's not fair for her to be with a person who is hung up on his ex. She knows that sooner or later pride will kick in and she will tell me where to go and fix myself up before coming back. I am screwing up our new relationship, unintentionally, but I cannot help the way I feel.

 

I wanted to delete my ex off my FB friends list. So many times I wanted to do it but I lack the willpower. I keep looking at her profile, there's nothing there, it's like being silently mocked. Thoughts of breaking NC and emailing her consume me. It's rediculous to contact her, nothing good will come of it? But how can I be sure? She made her decision to not be friends last we spoke, but why then appear on FB and keep me as a friend???

 

Am I just caught up in the tail end of the cycle of grief? Will my feelings towards my gf change once that cycle ends? Or will this relapse mean the end of the new relationship, leaving me feeling guilty for hurting a nice person I care about? My gf and I have been totally upfront about my relapse. She understands, but she can only take so much before she calls it quits.

 

Love sucks, maybe it is better off being alone... for the time being, until I find myself again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three months is not really a long time to get a handle on your grief, especially since you lived together and were planning marriage and forever with her. I think you need to end things with this new girl and deal with all of your pain. It is good that you got your life together, but it also sounds like you were in overdrive smothering your pain by exercising like crazy, losing weight, traveling, dating etc. Self improvement following a break up is great, but in 3 short months you were doing ALL of that so it sounds like you were totally smothering your feelings rather than working through the pain and feelings. Dating immediately after is a knee-jerk reaction following a break up in order to fill the void of not having a partner, and also looking for someone to be interested in you to soften the blow of the rejection. So now that you actually embarked on a relationship and got someone to be interested in you, you now breathe a sigh of relief and then have time to process the emotions. That is what happens with rebounds...there is the desperation to find someone to replace the ex, it is about finding someone, anyone will do, in order to ease the loneliness and feelings of rejection...and only when that mission is accomplished does the person start processing the feelings of loss and realizes that they miss their ex as a person and that the new person in their life is not the answer to their pain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Willpower shmillpower, you are just making excuses. Delete her off of Facebook and every other form of stalking, you are only hurting yourself. You are just feeding yourself more regrets. There are times in life that can decide to either take a route that will make us happy or one that will suck and it all depends on how we handle the bad things that happen to us. Make the right decision and don't be one of those people who is not strong enough to face the bad times gracefully.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 months is not long enough to heal. You will often hear me on here pleading with people to take their time. 6 months should be the minimum as far as i'm concerned and even then, you should get out and date and just be social again and open yourself up before diving into another relationship.

 

At least you are being honest with the current girl. Tell her you need time and let her go for now while you get yourself together.if she is still available later on, maybe you can reconnect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, i'd have to agree with everyone here. Please, please take the time to process your emotions, feel them, understand them and know that you got through it yourself. I didn't have time to process my emotions over an ex 4 years ago because i met someone right away. When she got engaged, it still affected me, after 3.5 years. I was still dating that girl and it hurt her alot when i was honest. Trust me, take the time now, this attachment will not go away unless you do. I would highly suggest talking to friends and a therapist to help you sort it all out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good replies, thanks guys I appreciate it.

 

Note that I was feeling quite good about myself at 3 months. It was only when the FB thing happened and the sense of dejavu creeped into my mind that I started going into relapse. 3 months may not be enough but how would you know unless you tried?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good replies, thanks guys I appreciate it.

 

Note that I was feeling quite good about myself at 3 months. It was only when the FB thing happened and the sense of dejavu creeped into my mind that I started going into relapse. 3 months may not be enough but how would you know unless you tried?

 

a lot of people think they feel good about themselves because they block it out, rather than staying with their emotions all the way through. You see it on here time after time where people are almost trying to convince themselves that they are healed and you read straight through their posts.

 

It's about being aware and being in touch with your emotions and being honest with oneself. That's why there are so many rebounds.......people are not in touch wth their emotions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see what you're saying atelis. I am simply not over it yet.

 

Deleted her off my FB. There is a sense of relief. Thankfully I did not break NC. Time to start working on myself again. Maybe I can still salvage my current relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I go through the same thing.........i have bouts where i feel ok, but i know the trauma and hurt is still there waiting for an excuse to come up again. You can never block things out.........it doesn't work that way. when you try to block it out rather than stay with your emotions and feel the hurt and pain all the way through, you are simply storing the hurt away only to resurface again at some point in the future, perhaps even years away. That's why it's so important to give yourself as much time as possible and feel your feelings

 

Maybe suggest to your current girlfriend a period in which you see each other less and back off the intensity, if she will allow it. Almost like starting from friendship again

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah it sounds like you tried to fast fwd or avoid in part the grief process ...the Grief Recovery Institute (do a google search) has a good website of articles and their "Grief Recovery Handbook" (available from even your library) is a helpful resource IMO bud.

Humour is good too for a balanced perspective....ill include a great youtube video on the "absurdity" of relationships later for us all to chuckle over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

a lot of people think they feel good about themselves because they block it out, rather than staying with their emotions all the way through. You see it on here time after time where people are almost trying to convince themselves that they are healed and you read straight through their posts.

 

It's about being aware and being in touch with your emotions and being honest with oneself. That's why there are so many rebounds.......people are not in touch wth their emotions.

 

Thing is atelis, many people here on ENA (I'm guilty of this too) prescribe massive "self improvement" and NC after a breakup. This is meant to heal and it does... to an extent.

 

The things I did, the exercise, the new goals in life, they're all great for making you feel fullfilled in other areas of your life. They took my mind off my ex and in time I hardly thought about her anymore. Which is great, but I have since found that I've not actually done any work on myself mentally/emotionally or psychologically wrt relationships.

 

While I did feel good about myself physically, I quickly realised in my new relationship that certain relationship wrecking behaviours of mine still existed. This is very alarming, it's causing problems again and I believe that these behaviours have been ingrained from childhood.

 

As I have said before, my new gf is a psychologist. It may be unethical to apply therapy to your partner but she has done so anyway. This has revealed a few underlying issues that I have not been aware of. These include an overdeveloped sense of protection/safety, control and anxiety issues.

 

These things make it very difficult for me to connect emotionally to someone for fear of being hurt. No wonder my ex complained about my apparent lack of interest and neglect towards her emotional needs. Even though I loved her greatly, I just could not express it. She felt that I was keeping her at arms length, never fully letting her get close.

 

On a side note, my 80 days of NC with my ex was broken tonight as she emailed me to ask me for my current mail address. Apparently I have some mail. I responded politely and briefly.

 

So I hope some readers out there realise that there is much more to NC than meets the eye. To conclude I want to make a few simple observations:

 

1. NC is not for winning your ex back. It's for healing yourself.

 

2. When you are in NC you should be improving yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. You need to address your issues that caused the breakup as well as improve the quality of your life.

 

3. Time is not the only measure of your healing, you need to do things in that time, you have to make a conscious effort to get over the ex every single day. Live in the moment, live for now. The past is the past, it cannot be changed, you cannot control anything in this world except you.

 

4. Acceptance, forgiveness and letting go are the keys to freedom.

 

5. Sometimes they come back, most of the time they don't. Don't expect or hope that they will in the short term. Even if they did come back, the hardest part is actually starting over again from scratch without bringing up the past. Without having done all of the above, it would surely fail again and be even more devestating for both parties a second time around.

 

Take care people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good post cl76. It's the psychological work that is the most important. Improving all of the other stuff is great too, but it's the psychological work that will give us the greatest awareness and therefore the best chance to avoid making the same mistakes or the same poor choices in relationships. It will also allow us to choose different types of partners than we perhaps have in the past.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...