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Is it ever appropriate to bring up past relationships?


Seymore
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I was wondering about this...

 

There were times in my last relationship where we'd pass a place and my ex would say: "Oh, me and one of my exes went here. We spent the night on a boat together, smoked some pot and fooled around", or "I went to that motel with one of my exes and spent the night with him there".

 

I know that it doesn't matter because they're with you, but are comments like that even necessary?

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No, no, and no. I would not accept any sort of comments about exes because they bring nothing but negativity into the relationship. It should be all about you and not what they did with so and so in the past, especially not an ex. Also, it kind of makes you wonder if they are over their ex or not. I personally never talk about my exes in front of a current boyfriend simply because of respect.

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Agreed with pinkelephant. Sure, there are times when it's appropriate to mention past relationships. For instance, my boyfriend has a kind of negative view of cats as pets--I love cats, so when I asked him why, he explained that his last ex (whom he lived with) never changed its litter box, never gave it any kind of discipline when it shredded furniture, etc. Now that was appropriate, because it explained something I was curious about.

 

But to pass by a random place and say, "Oh, we smoked pot there and fooled around..." Really? That's lame! So inappropriate, there was no significant purpose behind bringing it up...and it shows that when they look at that place, all they see are memories of themselves and their ex. Ugh.

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My boyfriend said, during sex,

 

"Oh man. Not again. It used to hurt my ex, too."

 

I just laugh. I really don't care because I know they have experiences, and I have my share of experiences, and I just don't care about the past. I don't treat my SO that differently from my friends so it's just something normal to me.

 

That said I wouldn't bring up -my- ex's or whatever we did unless I was nagged. I'd be too scared to get a bad reaction.

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I was wondering about this...

 

There were times in my last relationship where we'd pass a place and my ex would say: "Oh, me and one of my exes went here. We spent the night on a boat together, smoked some pot and fooled around", or "I went to that motel with one of my exes and spent the night with him there".

 

I know that it doesn't matter because they're with you, but are comments like that even necessary?

 

She sounds a bit immature perhaps? Or maybe something else I can't really quite put my finger on, but I used to be this way.

Some girls feel the need to share stuff they did which was exciting and they forget what a huge turn off it is to the person their dating, how some guys may even lose respect for them flaunting stories like that around, and how they would judge a guy if HE said something like that or even get mad. Heh..

 

 

With future girlfriends I'd straight up tell them you don't want to know what they did with exes, and it's really not necessary. Or... something along those lines. It's the only thing that made me get the hint and understand why it's unnecessary and maybe even hurtfull to guys I dated.

Just bring it up in a serious, non-angry tone. Or jokingly tell her "oh yea.. and there was an ex of mine I used to also get drunk with and then have amazingggggg sex with... see? not so nice to hear huh?" If she acts like it's not a big deal just tell her to you it is, and you'd prefer not to know about her sexual past with exes.

 

Gotta think before you say stuff sometimes.

 

I agree with other who say there's certain topics you can bring up. But out of respect keep the sex, romance and other intimate stuff to yourself.

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"Oh, me and one of my exes went here" - OK, just a random possibly relevant comment

"We spent the night on a boat together, smoked some pot and fooled around" - HELL NO, absolute bad form, show at least a shred of respect for the person you are speaking to.

 

It does matter because they are with you, no one wants random intimate details thrown in their face

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No. Assuming the both of you are that close, a mate worth being with, would not be concerned in any ex mate fashion. Statements of that fashion are typically performed in attempt to build/recover self esteem/self worth. Sorry man. I am glad you caught it. Move on.

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No way.

 

The random comment about you went to a restuarant or a place with an ex is fine, im guessing it'd be more about saying you, yourself have been to that place, but to say you went to a motel or 'fooled around' with an exis extremely rude. What use is that information to you!

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Thanks guys. I guess that speaks of the kind of person she was to me. No respect at all. And when she'd say those things, it was almost like she had pride in it, like she was saying "Look at me. Look at all I've done." It didn't happen ALL the time, but I almost got used to it because I couldn't say anything to her about it, out of fear she'd get mad and there'd be a fight again.

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I think thats disrespectful, whats done is done.

 

But yes, I do think there is a time and place to bring up past relationships.

In fact, the other night my partner filled me in on his last long term relationship, what happened, why it ended, etc. as we have been planning on moving out together, and has had a bad experience with his last relationship and it fit in the conversation, and I was open to hearing about his experience, plus it was over 7 years ago. Its not new or fresh.

 

But to do what your partner did, no.

Just kinda shows me that she's still thinking of him, he crossed her mind and she's bringing him up still.

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TMI, pure and simple. There's any number of reasons that some people do it: an overall lack of respect, revenge, self-sabotage, control and one-up-man-ship, the list goes on. This level of over disclosure does absolutely no good - the only variable is the level of harm it can cause.

 

I'll say things like "oh, that's a great restaurant," in passing, but that's it. That's just normal conversation. If she asks who I've been there with, I usually won't even answer the first time - "long time ago, I can't remember." If she's someone who has been uncomfortable hearing about my past, I won't ever answer, or I'll make up something like a business lunch. If you care about them, why put them through it? At the same time, you can't not mention a great restaurant just because of who you went there with...walking on eggshells doesn't work for long.

 

As far as talking about a certain hotel and mind-blowing sex with so-and-so, that is just total BS. Like, she expects you to be somehow impressed, or happy for her that she had great sex with someone else? I'd say, next time go **** yourself!

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I agree that when your in a relationship ex's and especially past sexual experiences are something that should never be brought up randomly. It is disrespectful to talk about it to your current S.O. Everyone has a past, but that does not mean that it needs to be talked about it frequently. In my current relationship me and my gf have once or twice briefly talked about past relationships, but it was never anything specific, more on what we learned from the past and mistakes we do not wish to repeat or relive. Good thread!

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I was wondering about this...

 

There were times in my last relationship where we'd pass a place and my ex would say: "Oh, me and one of my exes went here. We spent the night on a boat together, smoked some pot and fooled around", or "I went to that motel with one of my exes and spent the night with him there".

 

I know that it doesn't matter because they're with you, but are comments like that even necessary?

 

I'd turn green with jealousy over that! So I don't think they're necessary!

 

I think it's best to avoid mentioning exes too much. Definitely never mention fun times you had with an ex! I mean sometimes things from the past get mentioned, it's hard to pretend a part of your life never existed, but you really have to be careful and some things your current partner just doesn't need to know!

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I actually got used to hearing about it, but it never didn't hurt. Not that she did it ALL the time, but it definitely happened. Even 8-9 months in, she wouldn't want to drive near the city her ex-fiancee lived in. I mean she literally made me turn the car around. She saw him in traffic one time when I was with her and she flipped out and jerked the wheel to quickly turn off the road. It's a terrible feeling. These other guys she mentioned were from years ago, and it just felt to me like she was hanging on. I saw no point in divulging that information. It wasn't graphically detailed, but it was enough to make me wonder.

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