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Still Seeking Advice on Co-worker attaction


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I am re-posting because I have had little response and my post is falling into the unnoticable zone.

 

First let me say that I love my wife as much as I always have. I know that the hollywood version of love only allows us one person at a time to have romantic feelings for, but I personally don't find that to be true for myself.

 

Secondly, I have absolutely no consideration of divorce or infidelity. I married for life, and I meant what I said and said what I meant. Furthermore, I have three beautiful children, and I know that divorce has a very negative effect on them. Also, my wife and I get along just fine, and we really have a great relationship that has grown and improved through the many years we have been married.

 

Now to the problem. I have a co-worker to whom I am painfully attracted. I personally am as faithful to my wife in my thoughts as I can be, which I am fairly successful at. The problem is I continue to have dreams about this co-worker that has gotten my heart into the situation. In my dreams, we have been married, or confessing our love to each other, or some other situation that just has fastened on to my heart like a vice. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to dream about this, but you know how dreams are; they aren't really chosen (at least now without some training and major work and even then I think it's not always 100%).

 

Here's where it gets worse. I have worked with this woman for over four years, and I don't have a choice but to see and interact with her everyday. To complicate it further, obviously I can't talk to my wife about how I feel, because that would only hurt her and accomplish nothing, but I also can't talk to anyone in my family. The company I work for is family owned by my parents. If I tell anyone in my family, it is possible that it could result in the co-worker being fired, and that obviously wouldn't be fair to her.

 

The reality is, I can't think of anyone to talk to about this, and it's literally causing me pain almost to the point of tears at times. What I need is to find a way not to care about this person anymore, but feelings are not so obedient to our wishes. Anyway, just getting this out there and getting some feedback, I believe, will be therapeutic in itself, but I am certainly open to suggestions

 

I don't believe anyone has a good explanation for what "in love" means, but anyway, I all I know is that it's more that just lust. If a woman is objectively beautiful, just about all men will feel "lust" for them. Yeah that's just how men are; we are visually stimulated and being visually stimulated doesn't necessary touch our hearts.

 

This is more than lust because there is a tender feeling of affection that continues to grow with interaction. Frankly, it's the dreams that have really caused me big pain. Before the dreams, I was still attracted to her, but it had no affect on my heart; it was just lust.

 

All three of the replies on this have brought up the point about talking to my co-worker about this, but I see this as a mistake. At best she will say that even if I was single and she didn't have a boyfriend and I was the last man on earth, she still wouldn't want me. Mind you that's the best case scenario, and granted that might be a little of a relief, but as I have no intention of ruining my marriage, I am not sure what would be gained.

 

On the other hand, if she is interested in me, and I have some clue that she might be, talking to her opening would only make it worse for me and her as she has great respect for my wife and our marriage. This co-worker is no floozy or I don't think it would be possible for me to feel tender feelings for her. She is the daughter of parents who have been married for 30 years and she believes strongly in commited marriages and wants that for herself.

 

Am I missing something or is there little possibility of gain and major possibility of damage by talking to my co-worker directly?

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There isn't much you can do. You feel the way you feel. You are committed to your wife you aren't going to do anything about it you just have to deal. There are some hippie woo woo things you can try. Keeping something of your wife’s close to you. When you feel attracted to the other women spend a few moments thinking about how attractive you are to your wife. Think about wonderful moments you have had with her and things you hope to do in the future. Try spicing up your sex life.

 

But the truth is there is nothing that is going to "fix" this. Short of opening up your relationship you just have to deal. And opening your relationship could be incredible hard and it might damage your relationship or even end it if your wife doesn't or can't think that way.

 

Just stick it out. That is all you can do sometimes.

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Just to give you a little more validation...do not talk to the co-worker about this! You are going to put her in an impossible position. I know it sucks for you and I know that you can't help what you feel, but you have already said that you want to stay with your wife. Please, don't complicate your life by sharing this with anyone except anonymous strangers on the internet. Hopefully talking about it on here will help you move past it.

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I wouldn't talk to the co-worker about it either. It's not going to help, and could make things much worse.

 

How closely do you work together? Might there be the opportunity to re-shuffle work teams, take on a different project role, and/or delegate some tasks to others so that you do not encounter her as much for a while? If not, I think all you can do is keep your interactions on a very professional level and do not draw them out in order to enjoy more time in her company. If you catch yourself thinking about her in a more personal fashion, try to get your mind on another track immediately.

 

The co-worker is probably a very lovely person who has no idea of this turmoil in your mind. It sounds like you love your wife very much, and you have not done anything wrong here--you just need to keep yourself from straying into further temptation.

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Let me help you on this one. Basically your penis is doing the thinking for you, so either cut it off or spank yourself off till there's no tomorrow everyday. I swear no women should be that tempting after you're done and you should be logical in your commitments to your wife and kids afterward. This is the very least you can do for them because they are your life and existence and you are theirs.

 

As for this other woman, either you quit your job, or you get rid of her by helping her find another job or simply by paying her off to quit the job. How much is your marriage worth? $10K? $20K? $30K? How quickly will your wife pay her $40K to quit if she finds out there's a slight chance of cheating? Work with your wife and bring this whole thing out in the open with your wife. The secrecy is simply an excuse to continue on your lusting. This is how a lot of cheaters started out.

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I agree, my marriage is worth everything. What I think you are missing, is that I am not actively lusting after her. Yes, I am not perfect and so I slip up in my thoughts every once in a while, but it's pretty rare and very short lived (like a couple seconds at the most). I really am fighting the good fight here.

 

Seriously, the thing that has made it harder is the stupid dreams. It's ridiculous how much the feelings you feel in dreams stick with you throughout the day. It sucks!

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Unless you have crossed that line of intimacy then you don't need to tell your wife. I don't think you need to talk to your co-worker about it either because you are only opening yourself further to temptations.

 

It appears that you love your wife. Maybe its time to spruce things up a bit in your marriage though.

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Unless you have crossed that line of intimacy then you don't need to tell your wife. I don't think you need to talk to your co-worker about it either because you are only opening yourself further to temptations.

 

It appears that you love your wife. Maybe its time to spruce things up a bit in your marriage though.

 

Always a good idea. Thanks, I do what I can there, but I admit, my wife has very little libido. She is a good woman though and trys to please me even when she is having trouble. How could I betray such a woman!?

 

Thanks for the comment.

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Just to give you a little more validation...do not talk to the co-worker about this! You are going to put her in an impossible position. I know it sucks for you and I know that you can't help what you feel, but you have already said that you want to stay with your wife. Please, don't complicate your life by sharing this with anyone except anonymous strangers on the internet. Hopefully talking about it on here will help you move past it.

 

It is helping thanks.

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Quick question before I offer my two cents' worth. How come your screen name is freedomfrombondage? Just curious.

 

The only way to bring this to its appropriate (i.e. no cheating) conclusion is to get away from the object of your desire. As Wayoverit said, you have to get rational and either quit or help the girl (anonymously, of course) get a different job. You are on a very slippery slope if you don't put distance between you immediately. If you truly value marriage, your commitment to your wife, and your childrens' long-term well-being, you will shake your head HARD and STOP thinking about this person. If you need professional help to do this then, by all means, get help. I would not tell your wife because then you open a whole can of worms and it may actually do more harm than good. Deal with the fact that you are human and that your desires are really working on you, then get rational and DON'T head in the direction that will ultimately result in the loss of all the important LASTING, permanent things you have in your life, family love, a spouse you love, etc. Good luck to you.

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Always a good idea. Thanks, I do what I can there, but I admit, my wife has very little libido. She is a good woman though and trys to please me even when she is having trouble. How could I betray such a woman!?

 

Thanks for the comment.

 

I am having an "AHA" moment. I see the root of your problem. You are a man and your wife has very little libido, as you put it. You are in what is known as the "loaded" state. This means you are not getting enough satisfying sex with your wife and are seeking release a good deal of the time. You are a ticking time bomb. You should look together with your wife, after discussing with her of course, why her libido is low. Perhaps seek therapy together about this. I know that from a woman's point of view, there are deeper issues at play if your wife does not desire you sexually. Don't add a bunch of "everything's all right in our marriage" fluff to your cry for help, because obviously there are some real issues that need attention. Unsatisfying sex in marriage is the number one reason people cheat. And unsatisfying sex is a secondary symptom of other major issues under the surface.

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I use the name freedomfrombondage because I am not one of these people who thinks you have to act on what you feel to be true to yourself or to be free. I think it's more liberating to remember that we have a choice on whether or not we act on what we feel than to assume you can't choose.

 

Just so you know, in this market either quitting my job or having this co-worker fired seem like very bad choices. Not to be too specific, but our industry has been badly hit, and her (the coworker) and my job experience is specific to our industry, so finding another job for which we have experience, is a very difficult proposition.

 

You should also know that I starting feeling this intense affection for this co-worker over 6 months ago, and I have never given in in any way to what I feel. I should also say that some days are better than others. On days where I don't have to interact with this co-worker, it's not so bad. I really do believe this feeling will actually go away eventually. I think I only will have to endure so long, and I feel it's my burden to bear; it's not her fault so she shouldn't pay with her job. Also, I really can't afford to lose my job or I put my own family at risk.

 

Anyway, yes my wife may need some help in the libido department. This is something we are working on and will continue to work on. If my wife is being honest with me, and I believe she is, she just doesn't feel the desire for sex very often with anyone. She doesn't feel it about movie stars or characters in stories; she just doesn't have much drive. Actually, when she has sexual dreams for example, she says that most of the time, I am the man in the dream.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. It's something I will take into consideration.

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I have to ask but who is more important? Your wife or this other woman? If you choose your wife then it shouldn't matter what happens to the other woman. I'm not advocating ruining an innocent woman's life but if you're committed to making right with your wife then it should be obvious what needs to happen. You may not have acted physically but you need to think long and hard about how you would feel if your wife were having an emotional affair and infatuation with another man. Of course you would feel terrible for your colleague to lose her job because it is hard for you. You're going to feel terrible no matter what you do though and if you are truly remorseful and want to protect your family you must stand up and do WHATEVER it takes to protect them.

 

Allow me to paint you a picture. You are married. As in all marriages you reach a point in your relationship where the passion fizzles but you long to reconnect with your wife. You love and adore her more than ever.

 

You don't know how to reconnect with her and it becomes increasingly difficult for you because something has changed. You can't quite put your finger on it but something has certainly changed. You want desperately to work on this marriage but you don't know what to do or how to fix things. You become anxious and worried that you are losing the love of your life and don't know how/why.

 

You don't know because your wife has also noticed the passion has fizzled and has now fixated on the hot guy in accounting. He makes her feel good in a way that you no longer can. She coasts through the monotony of her life with you by fantasizing about the other man and eventually entertains daydreams that all her personal happiness would be realized if they could just be together in the flesh! She is strong and has not acted physically but even when she is with you she burns for her coworker and feels all the guilt and remorse as if she were having a physical affair. She is strong and doesn't want to hurt you but she would never want to hurt the hot guy's career either. After all, he didn't do anything wrong except be sexy!

 

If it was not reciprocated or she never acted on the physical would that really matter? Would her infatuation or emotional betrayal be any less real? Would you feel betrayed if she was more concerned about the other man's career options than making things better with you? How would you feel everyday when your wife leaves for work knowing she is going to be in contact with a man she can hardly resist? Would you be at peace knowing your wife was in the heat of temptation everyday at the office? Knowing there could be a chance they could be alone numerous times and you would NEVER know the difference?

 

 

Don't think she isn't aware that your emotions and attraction lie with someone else. Women are incredibly intuitive. Has she been short with you? Extra pleasing? Tried new things in bed out of the ordinary? Or become completely cold and disinterested? She may not know exactly what is wrong but I will almost guarantee she knows something's up and it involves another woman.

 

 

I'm not suggesting that what I have written is anywhere close to your specific situation. I'm only attempting to lend you the insight of looking at what it would be like if your wife were betraying you and possibly some of the things that she would be imagining if she were ever presented proof of your emotional infidelity.

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I appreciate your perspective. Trust me, I don't see anything of more importance than my marriage and family life.

 

Here's where I am. I have already determined that if I ever get any open come-ons from her (the co-worker) or I slip up and do the same to her (the co-worker), I will quit my job. However, I do know this. You don't go from not even knowing if someone is interested in you to sleeping with them in one day. If you asked this co-worker if I have ever flirted with her, she would probably say I haven't. There is nothing definite about anything right now except that I know what I have been dealing with.

 

Now, if I was openly flirting with her and she was openly flirting with me, and it was clear we were both interested in each other, then I would be a fool not to either quit or help her find a new job. I totally agree with that, but that's not where it is. Again, if it ever got to that point, I would do what you are recommending.

 

Furthermore, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong. Before I got married (at 22 years old), I never had sex with anyone even though I flirted and even kissed many girls in my dating years. In fact, my wife is the only person I have ever had sex with, and I intend to keep it that way. My point is, I do have self-control; I know how to keep my pants zipped. Again, if I ever felt like I was really on the edge of the precipice of infidelity, I would remove myself completely from the situation.

 

Now as far as my relationship to my wife goes. I have been more affectionate than ever. I told you I don't love her any less than I ever have. In fact, one of my strategies is to think of her when I am feeling attracted to my co-worker. To the best of my ability, I direct all of my sexual energy to my wife. I don't look at pornography; I don't even masturbate. I save all of it for my wife.

 

Thanks for taking the time to encourage me. I do appreciate what you have said. Hopefully my response clarifies what I am thinking and why I am thinking it.

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You sound like a decent man that wants to do the one thing. I feel compelled to warn you about some things expressed in your response to me.

 

First of all, you state that there has been no obvious flirting with the woman. It's the flirting you may not realize happening that could get you into trouble. PLEASE PLEASE don't say it's not possible. If the girl senses your sexual tension then believe me she is fully aware of the power she has over you. Women are intuitive whether its your wife or the woman you don't think knows you've noticed her.

 

That is admirable that you waited for your wife to experience sex for the first time and that you have a strong will power. Have you listened to cheaters though? Many men that are unfaithful are in happy marriages and believed themselves to be just as strong as you believe yourself to be. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you're being honest with yourself on your superhuman ability that defies nature to coexist with this woman in the workplace? or if you have convinced yourself that you can withstand the temptation and maintain a perfectly balanced professional relationship in the workplace because it would be the most convenient arrangement? I'm not in your situation so I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to help you to find the truth you're looking for.

 

You are being more affectionate with the wife and focusing all energies on her. Believe it or not that can be a sign of infidelity and could actually be concerning your wife more than comforting her. She may NEVER admit to it and may have trouble sticking her finger on what's wrong but if you've looked through the threads where guys came clean with their wives about emotional or physical infidelity there is a striking pattern. The women almost always knew. Women often feel like they need physical concrete evidence before pressing about a man's behavior out of fear of looking like a psycho.

 

I would also like to add that if you are ever in a room with your wife and your co-worker passes by, it will only take a nanosecond for your wife to know.

 

As good as you are at physical self-control, which I commend your efforts for, you must know that your body language and expressions cannot always hide your secret attraction. In fact, I will bet its not much of a secret and even if you are really good at hiding it a wife and time will always be able to tell.

 

I hope this helps and I look forward to your response.

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I think your right that my co-worker has some sense of the possibility that I am attracted to her, but I believe if she does she is denying it to herself because she has too much respect for me, my wife, and my marriage to even want to believe it. If she does sense it, I have had no sure indication of it.

 

I think you are right that my wife may sense that I am attracted to my co-worker, but she hasn't made it an issue. I believe that she trusts me implicitly and knows that I love her and am committed to her. Also, I don't really think she wants to bring it up because I think she is happy not being sure if I am attracted to this co-worker. My wife struggles with her self-esteem and has since we met, and I really don't think she could handle knowing this. That's why I am sure I don't want to tell her, and why I think she is happier not being sure.

 

I will say that my wife's behavior toward me has remained virtually the same as when we got married years ago. I have only recently started struggling with this issue, and I did read some of the points you made, and I even pondered them, but I honestly haven't seen any of the changes in behavior you have described.

 

I really should have mentioned this, but this co-worker has a boyfriend and from what I hear should be engaged any day. I personally feel it will be helpful once she is married; that adds just one more truth that exposes this silly fantasy as just that, a fantasy.

 

I want you to know, that I don't fantasize about this co-worker ever. I have never imagined having sex with her for example, unless it was like for a split second before I realized what I was thinking or unless I was asleep and dreaming. I also know that the image we have of people we are attracted to and aren't commited to isn't real. We tend to glorify them. We all want to believe in the fairy tale in the romance novel or in the movies. Life and relationships are every bit as wonderful as that, but they also have difficulty and struggle which is typically left out of the story.

 

One last point. Let me share with you a short story on a time when I was really tempted to sleep with a girl before I was married. When I first started dating this girl, I knew that she probably wasn't a very good match for me, but I was really attracted to her, so I went out with her anyway. I was determined not to have sex before marriage, but we did have a level of physical affection through hugging, snuggling, and kissing. Well, you know how these things progress; eventually I was at her apartment and even got to the point of undressing her. HOWEVER, before I even had her shirt completely off, I came to my senses and immediately left her place. She even tried to hold on to me and yank me back before I left, but I was determined to do as I had committed. Here's the point, I dated this girl for like 3 months before I ever got that far. Furthermore, I never saw her again after that because I knew that I couldn't be around her anymore and stay true to what I knew was right. I truly believe that I know my limits and I will say "uncle" long before I get there.

 

Thanks for all of your time corresponding with me. It's very kind and it's really helpful to be able to talk to someone about this. Please let me know if I am still missing your point.

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Always a good idea. Thanks, I do what I can there, but I admit, my wife has very little libido. She is a good woman though and trys to please me even when she is having trouble. How could I betray such a woman!?

 

Thanks for the comment.

 

 

Looks like you are fighting the good fight. If nothing else, look at how you'd destroy your marriage, not to mention your environment at work. not a good thing, not at all worth the heartaches inflicted on you and your wife and kids.

You are entitled to your own fantasies and thoughts, and it's no mystery that you've run into a good looking gal. everyone runs into good looking people all the time. it's good you're keeping thyou're feelings in check.

 

Think about your wife, go home from work and do it good with her. you'll both be thankful.

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A large problem is the inability to speak with your spouse about your feelings.

 

It is merely human to be attracted to others through your lifetime.

 

This non-monogamous nature can be constructively utilized within your current relationship.

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