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Still Love Wife but Painfully drawn to Co-worker


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I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

First let me say that I love my wife as much as I always have. I know that the hollywood version of love only allows us one person at a time to have romantic feelings for, but I personally don't find that to be true for myself.

 

Secondly, I have absolutely no consideration of divorce or infidelity. I married for life, and I meant what I said and said what I meant. Furthermore, I have three beautiful children, and I know that divorce has a very negative effect on them. Also, my wife and I get along just fine, and we really have a great relationship that has grown and improved through the many years we have been married.

 

Now to the problem. I have a co-worker to whom I am painfully attracted. I personally am as faithful to my wife in my thoughts as I can be, which I am fairly successful at. The problem is I continue to have dreams about this co-worker that has gotten my heart into the situation. In my dreams, we have been married, or confessing our love to each other, or some other situation that just has fastened on to my heart like a vice. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to dream about this, but you know how dreams are; they aren't really chosen (at least now without some training and major work and even then I think it's not always 100%).

 

Here's where it gets worse. I have worked with this woman for over four years, and I don't have a choice but to see and interact with her everyday. To complicate it further, obviously I can't talk to my wife about how I feel, because that would only hurt her and accomplish nothing, but I also can't talk to anyone in my family. The company I work for is family owned by my parents. If I tell anyone in my family, it is possible that it could result in the co-worker being fired, and that obviously wouldn't be fair to her.

 

The reality is, I can't think of anyone to talk to about this, and it's literally causing me pain almost to the point of tears at times. What I need is to find a way not to care about this person anymore, but feelings are not so obedient to our wishes. Anyway, just getting this out there and getting some feedback, I believe, will be therapeutic in itself, but I am certainly open to suggestions.

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So it's safe to assume that your feeling towards ur co-worker is purely lust and infatuation. You are not really in love with her. In any case, your wife is your priority for the sake of everyone else, such as your kids. So keep your distance. Also, keep reminding yourself of the consequences if something happens between you two, so you don't act out your fantasy. And know that if you do, your marriage would be definitely be in trouble and in the end your co-worker will get fired regardless.

 

In my opinion, since you said you love your wife then I hope you will follow through with actions to back it up. Have a talk with your co-worker, and tell her the relationship should be kept strictly for business only. I hope she understands and leave you alone. If she persists and crosses boundaries than it's really not worth having an affair with a homewrecker.. Anyways, I agree that you shouldn't tell your wife about this, simply because it's unnecessary. And you haven't actually done anything wrong...yet, so it's better to avoid any possible misunderstandings.

 

Good luck with ur situation.

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I don't believe anyone has a good explanation for what "in love" means, but anyway, I all I know is that it's more that just lust. If a woman is objectively beautiful, just about all men will feel "lust" for them. Yeah that's just how men are; we are visually stimulated and being visually stimulated doesn't necessary touch our hearts.

 

This is more than lust because there is a tender feeling of affection that continues to grow with interaction. Frankly, it's the dreams that have really caused me big pain. Before the dreams, I was still attracted to her, but it had no affect on my heart; it was just lust.

 

I agree with you on staying true to my wife and kids. Again, I have no intention of infidelity or divorce. It's just not an option for me.

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All three of you have brought up the point about talking to my co-worker about this, but I see this as a mistake. At best she will say that even if I was single and she didn't have a boyfriend and I was the last man on earth, she still wouldn't want me. Mind you that's the best case scenario, and granted that might be a little of a relief, but as I have no intention of ruining my marriage, I am not sure what would be gained.

 

On the other hand, if she is interested in me, and I have some clue that she might be, talking to her opening would only make it worse for me and her as she has great respect for my wife and our marriage. This co-worker is no fluzy or I don't think it would be possible for me to feel tender feelings for her. She is the child of parents who have been married for 30 years and she believe strongly in commited marriages and wants that for herself.

 

Am I missing something or is there little possibility of gain and major possibility of damage by talking to my co-worker directly?

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From the sound of it, the feelings between you and your co-worker may not be mutual. You do not know that she's interested in you. In this case, I would not talk to her directly. I thought the feelings between you two were somewhat mutual, therefore talking about it would only make sense.

 

I understand that dream is something you can't necesarily control, and it's the root cause of your pain. I would just give it time, maybe the feeling will fade away with time, but you can't keep thinking about her. Make an effort to stop fantasizing consciously.

 

Hopefully, this will all pass with time. After all feelings don't last forever in most cases...

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I agree with you that talking to her would be a bad idea. I think one thing you could do is focus on negative things about her. Does she have physical qualities that you don't find attractive? Does she have habits that turn you off? Are there positive qualities your wife possesses that your coworker doesn't? Focusing on these things might help you get over your feelings for her. Also, when speaking to her, try to keep things very businesslike. Try not to talk about anything other than what is required for work. Try not to look at any part of her that you find especially attractive. If you love her eyes, for example, avoid looking at them.

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I feel for you. Definitely don't tell the co-worker how you feel. The only thing I can suggest is to think often and focus on how your wife would feel if she discovered any of this. Or if something did happen and she found out.

 

Whenever I am mildly tempted to do anything wrong by my husband (like I was last night, where I was tempted to take the easy way out and just ignore a certain sleazy text message I received, rather than tell my husband and then actually deal with the sender in a manner my H and I were both ok with) I just think about all the great things he does for me, all the love, all the faithfulness from his side.. and I think about how he'd feel if I acted as I was tempted and he found out about it ... and the temptation quickly goes away and I know very clearly what I must do.

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I so agree that it is essential that you do not tell your co-worker about your feelings.

 

What comes to mind for me is imagining in detail, your wife in your situation & you in hers, and acting/thinking exactly how you would wish her to in such a situation....

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I agree, that talking to co-worker about your feelings is not a good idea. It would just open the door to uncertainty and temptation. It would help you to accomplish nothing.

 

At the same time I do not think that right now is a good time to bet that focusing on your wife importance in your life would ave you from this drama. Let's assume the worst: you are in love with a co-worker. Yes, and this is a true love. To escape it by hiding behind your love to your wife is not going to work. To resolve the problem you need to deal with this problem and do not try to distract yourself with something else (you love to your wife in this case). What you can do? You can re-access your view on love. You already understand that she is a pure heart, she would never accept you in a circumstances. And even by an impulse she would give in, it will make her terribly unhappy in the long run. If you love her, you wouldn't want it for her. Love is a positive feeling, it craves to give. So why don't you decide in you heart that yes, you do love her because she is a beautiful woman and amazing person and it is okay to love. And it is. Just detach a sexual content, and bless her in your thoughts for life and grant her a peace from yourself. Love doesn't need to be possessive. It can stay respectful, noble, kind, dignified. You do not need to have her in order to love. If you could make peace with all this, forgive yourself, the pain will go.

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Also, if your true bet is to stay with your wife and you will be at the point when you HAVE to talk to someone, your wife is your best choice. Honest communication brings people closer. I do believe that feelings in times could be confusing, but I am certain that when the trouble comes the person talks to the one whom he trusts. If you would come to her and confess that you are confused over your reaction on this co-worker, but you really love her, it would hurt but considering your love and all the years together and three kids, I am sure she would find a heart and a wisdom to understand. However, if you would go with this problem to another woman, that would be what i call a betrayal of your wife.

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Also, if your true bet is to stay with your wife and you will be at the point when you HAVE to talk to someone, your wife is your best choice. Honest communication brings people closer. I do believe that feelings in times could be confusing, but I am certain that when the trouble comes the person talks to the one whom he trusts. If you would come to her and confess that you are confused over your reaction on this co-worker, but you really love her, it would hurt but considering your love and all the years together and three kids, I am sure she would find a heart and a wisdom to understand. However, if you would go with this problem to another woman, that would be what i call a betrayal of your wife.

 

Freedomfrombondage:

 

I don't mean to go against someone else's words here but gosh - I think it's so important that you do not tell you wife this.

 

She wouldn't necessarily find a heart and wisdom to understand at all. It really may not happen that way.

 

And it would be particularly difficult to both deal with and contain/keep private between the two of you if the woman is still working there daily with you. I don't think your wife would be too happy about that. It may end up getting out because your wife would like the woman to leave the job or have some kind of changed effected where you do not work together. I couldn't say I'd blame her in a way either. If that were the case then even more people would be hurt.

 

It would likely cause very much chaos and suffering in your marriage that could stay a very long time. She might be wondering all kinds of things about your feelings for her and her attractiveness to you. "Am I looking old, heavier, does he really still love me, etc.-- all kinds of things"...

 

If nothing is ever going to come of this with the co-worker than what would be the point of putting your wife through a traumatic excruciatingly painful ordeal, and placing all of this suffering and hurt into the midst of your marriage unnecessarily?

 

It must not be done as a catharsis simply to unburnden yourself. If you feel you cant' contain and heal this and need to turn to someone, enlist the short term help of a counselor. That is your best bet.

 

Very best of luck.

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I understand where nina is coming from, but I've got to say I agree with muffin. Even if this love could become nonsexual, it would still be romantic love, which would not be okay with your wife.

 

I was thinking about what you said about the dreams. I remember having a dream once in which I met some great guy who I really liked (he wasn't anyone I knew in real life). We seemed to hit it off in the dream and I thought it could go somewhere. When I woke up I was really disappointed that it hadn't been real and actually missed this dream-guy. I've also begun to develop feelings for real men whom I've dreamt about (even though I'd never thought of them romantically prior to the dream), and have experienced exaggerated feelings for a man I was already interested in after having a romantic dream about him. The more vivid the dreams are, the more they effect us. Try to remember that in the dreams, your coworker is a glorified version of herself, that she is probably not the perfect way you've dreamt her to be. If the dreams stop, your feelings really might go away. I'm not sure how to make them stop, but there probably is a way. You could try doing online research and if that doesn't work you could see a therapist. Do you go to church? You could talk to your pastor about the situation.

 

Until you resolve your feelings (which I truly believe will happen since you clearly love your wife), stay strong. Who knows, your wife could once have persevered through a situation just like yours. And aren't you glad she did? (And aren't you glad she didn't tell you?)

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She needs to go and NOW! It sucks and you can offer to give her a stellar recommendation or your family. If your wife is truly your priority it shouldn't matter what happens to the woman of your fantasies because what matters is real life and you have a duty to destroy anything that threatens your wife and family. It totally sucks and you sound like a guy that wouldn't hurt anybody but if you had to choose (and let's not candy coated you have no choice but to choose) between your wife and co-worker who would you protect?

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I agree with all of those who say you should NOT talk to your co-worker about how you feel, as that will only complicate matters which is something you do NOT want to do.

 

I can only suggest you interact with her as little as possible and if you two are flirting with each other (as I can only imagine you would be doing), then I strongly suggest you quit with the flirting immediately. If you love your wife and family as much as you claim you do, then this should be fairly easy to achieve (imo).

 

Make sure your dreams remain just that - dreams. Remember, you have choices here. You can choose to "turn the other cheek", so to speak, or you can let this get out of control by getting too close and too involved. Choice is yours.

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I can't believe how many are suggesting you should quit or get her to quit (it doesn't sound like you're buying into that either). I really think if you just stick it out a bit longer and try some of the things many of us have suggested, you will ultimately get over this and be fine. No need to mess with anyone's career.

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Something needs to be done and unfortunately this is affecting his work performance and his feelings are putting his family and marriage in danger. He obviously does not want to cause further damage to his marriage so the only logical answer is to get rid of the coworker that is causing this strife. Nobody wants to see this innocent woman lose in this but his wife and family are the ones that he needs to worry about not the other woman.

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I absolutely feel for you

 

thank the gods for a forum where we have an outlet for discussion of these types of situations

 

I am in a similar type of situation

 

 

I am very happily married to an awesome guy

 

We have a child who is almost 5

 

I've never even given another man the time f day or a second glance

 

However, I am finding myself very drawn toward to a young man I encounter weekly, sometimes more often. It is a rather casual relationship but a medical relationship We are on a first name basis and we often chat about our personal lives

 

I can't explain my feelings for him. I think it is merely an infatuation but I becoming obsessed

 

I have searched the web for him right down to his family's facebok pages,

apparently he is not very into web stuff because he has no social networking pages at all

 

 

I have no intention of leaving my spouse but I am enjoying the thrill of thinking of this young man. I figure it's not wrong as long I haven't acted on the feelings

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I believe that you have an obsession with this woman, but it is all fantasy.

 

We all have obsessions throughout our life, some do grab onto you like a vice, as you have explained. I don't think you are in love with this woman at all. You have made such an issue about it and worried about it so much, that you cannot help but believe in it and this very thinking is exactly the reason you probably dream about her a lot now. It has manifested itself basically. Maybe you first-off just had a fleeting thought about her being attractive, or maybe fantasised a little about "being romantic" once again, which is actually nothing major, but you have worried so much about it, that it has gotten out of hand.

 

You sound like a lovely man who does love his wife very much, but this is just an obsession that has taken ahold of you and you must not panic.

 

I think you must tell someone asap, because that is what is killing you the most, that you have this "awful secret". How about your local church, are you religious? Can't you go in and go to confession? You can always go and speak to a counsellor and keep the session secret. They can help you.

 

Do you not have a close male friend who is not involved with your work or the family who you can confide in? I would strongly recommend that you do not tell the woman in question, nor your wife or family, but please stop torturing yourself over this. It is an obsession and nothing more and you WILL get over it.

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From the sound of it, the feelings between you and your co-worker may not be mutual. You do not know that she's interested in you. In this case, I would not talk to her directly. I thought the feelings between you two were somewhat mutual, therefore talking about it would only make sense.

 

I understand that dream is something you can't necesarily control, and it's the root cause of your pain. I would just give it time, maybe the feeling will fade away with time, but you can't keep thinking about her. Make an effort to stop fantasizing consciously.

 

Hopefully, this will all pass with time. After all feelings don't last forever in most cases...

 

Thanks, I believe the same thing. Our hearts are unruly at times, and I don't believe happiness requires that we "follow our hearts" as popular opinion would suggest.

 

I can just say as a man, if I acted on everything I felt, I would be a menace to myself, my family, and society.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the remarks.

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Thanks for the support. I agree.

 

I have actually told a friend who works with me here. He is a friend of this co-worker and understands the importance of keeping this a secret. He doesn't want to see her fired or my wife hurt by this getting out.

 

He has actually kept the secret very well as I knew he would or I wouldn't have risked it.

 

Sharing it with him has helped, but it's also helping to have this mode of expression and dialogue.

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I agree on not telling my wife. I haven't explained this yet, but my wife already has a low self-esteem. She often asks if she is good enough for me. What's more is that I am very quick to praise and re-assure. I am very expressive and eager to let her know how much I appreciate her and care for her. I seriously can't imagine anyone doing more on that than I do. HOWEVER, she still struggles with her self-esteem, and I am quite certain this information would be more than she could bear.

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This is going to sound mean, but....

 

Actively look for qualities in this woman that you find a turn off. You have associated her with the dream version of her, and the dream was arousing or otherwise rewarding. So being near her relives the feelings you had in the dream.

 

If you hadn't had this dream, would you have been drawn to her? Likely not, so you need to start looking at her with those eyes again.

 

Only keep face-to-face contact when she has bad breath, pay closer attention to how she eats, or the language she uses. Imagine her doing something you find unattractive or a turn-off..whatever qualities about her that stopped you from being attracted to her in the first place- focus on those as much as possible.

 

That happened to me once with a friend, dreams can be very powerful. Now I find it hysterical that I was attracted to the man that for some reason, made his way into my dreams in appearance, but in no other way. With time, I saw him again for who he was, not who my dream represented him to be.

 

Good Luck!

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