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Reaching out - does it always have to be the dumper?


stabilo
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

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I am posting this on Getting Back Together and I'm trying to make an encouraging thread, but I understand that some people will say go complete NC, forget the ex or just move on already. Fair enough. This is an open forum. All I'm looking for, and for other members on this forum who seek reconcilation, are suggestions for reaching out, taking the plunge, when you are ready to face the music and maybe act on that hope you have been clinging to even if that hope is the most miniscule of glimmers, BUT in a slow and calculated manner.

 

And I'm talking about after a long bout of NC or long bouts of LC. Because anything and everything is possible in this life, and even if this would be a waste of time, I personally believe love requires patience and patience is a virtue. Hope is a killer, but sometimes something has to be done. I'm not just talking about me here either. People obviously get back together all the time. It is not always going to happen because the dumper is reaching out.

 

I'm not bitter about my ex, I love her to death. Some days I try to convince myself that getting back with her (even though it isn't really in my hands) is the easy option or that I just miss being in an intimate relationship. But to no avail, almost every morning, or anytime of the day the anxiety of me losing her forever creeps in. It is her I miss. More than anything and its been 4 months now. I feel like all the things I do, are not as enjoyable as they can be. When I do a gig, I want her to be there. When I score a goal, I want her to have seen it. When I print my clothes, I want her to model them with me.

 

Nobody else. Nobody else on this planet will ever have a hold on me like her in my opinion. I'm her first love, and she is mine, and all that baloney but it feels so true. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to move on but I am trying. I'm doing things but even though they are the things I love to do, they feel pointless or that I'm doing them for the sake of it. I play football (soccer), I play drums in a band and I am starting up my own clothing company for a hobby. These are cool things!!! I guess it proves that my ex really did make me a complete person.

 

Having read countless threads and posts and whatnot about contact, timeframes, gestures, everything etc, there is no set rule for any reconciliation. BUT I DO KNOW THEY ARE UNLIKELY. For my situation, I know now that I was never going to get her back in the first few days, weeks or probably months, despite all my pleading. I know now that a Hollywood style romantic gesture would most probaby not lead her to fall back into my arms. I know now that its not going to be some magical reunion if it ever were to happen.

 

For example, in the last 4 months I have not had a phonecall from my ex, or have I called her (I haven't called mainly to protect my heart). I know that me calling her NOW would perhaps be the wrong move. We have been talking via text message only, and I guess this suits her. She is shy, and stubborn, and extremely proud. I can be the same, which is another reason I haven't called. One of us will have to call sooner or later, and I believe that will have to be me.

 

So basically, this thread is about people in LC or looking to reach out. And I have some questions people might like to throw their thoughts at below

 

1 Are there ways of showing someone you care for them, love them, think about them, without coming accross as being too strong? For example, letting them know about a band they like coming to play in town...i.e. doing something that is friendly but goes beyond being a friendly at the same time. Maybe the band example is not a good one, but it could be something that shows you have been thinking about her interests...

 

2 Once LC is established, how often should the contact be? I know that every situation varies, but sometimes, the contact needs to be increased by one party. I know it needs to be increased by me, but at the moment I have no indicators to increase it just yet.

 

3 If LC is still in its early days, and you are doing LC because you hope to reconcile, how can you improve the dialect? For example, at the moment, whenever me and my ex converse via text or MSN, its like our relationship never existed. I don't like this. We have so many fond memories (heck we only ever had one fight) and they would be nice to bring to the surface - when is a good time to bring up nostalgic moments?

 

I'm sure other people will have other questions that others might have suggestions for. Please feel free to add.

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This is a very difficult thing to deal with as sometimes if not all the time all we are left with is despair and a small glimmer of hope. In my case, the dumper remained and initiated contact with me after things ended. This made it even more difficult because it made me think she does not really want to break up and in fact it was the complete opposite. She wanted me not to hate her partly because I work in the same building as her. Its a horrible feeling to know that she has already move on because she does not intiate any contact late at night as she used to. I consider myself a pretty smart and aware person so I have been doing whatever I think that will make her want me back. However, the horrible feeling remains that she may already be seeing someone else and may be in constant contact with that person like she used to be with me. I did tons of things this past weekend and barely enjoyed any of them so I know exactly how you are feeling. You may be younger than me as I have already had a first love, we were together for 3 years and then I met a co-worker and fell in love. After a year and a half I finally started seeing her and than lost her. Intiating contact does not have to always be the dumper but obviously the dumper needs to always want to reconcile in order to get back together. I have tryed sticking to the 2 steaps forward 1 step back, and have fwded her a funny email, or said good luck with this and when I get a reply back I say nothing more. When we do speak it is like nothing ever ever happened which is also an absolute horrible feeilng.

 

My suggestion is to don't always be the one intiating, and when you do intitate give her a little, and then lean back.

I am trying to do that right now, but the fact is once attraction is lost it is almost impossible to get it back. I have been thinking of sending her flowers with no indication who their from (her favourite) and then she might ask me if I sent them to her and than may tell her maybe her new bf sent them to her. I am petrefied of the day that I find out/she tells me she is seeing someone else.

Don't let that happen to you and its a bad thing to say but don't get your hopes up too quickly. It has already been 4 months. Its been only 3 weeks for me with contact intiated by her and I have already wrote it off. Even though I remain doing things in an attempt that it might get her back.

 

If she is seeing someone already, chances are it may be a very long time before any reconciling can happen and by that time its too late.

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Moonbug -

 

I do not know if she is seeing anyone but she is very pretty girl and mostly likely is being hit on. I deleted her from Facebook which would tell me directly!!! However, a few people I know have bumped into her or seen her about lately and she has either been on her own, or with her mum. I have a feeling that she is not seeing anyone but can't be sure. I suspect she is happy but for a long long time during our relationship my ex couldn't live without me. She is just generally a happy person but she also puts on a front a lot of the time.

 

I haven't asked her if she is happy, or if she is seeing anyone. We haven't had any meaningful conversations to date, just a couple of text exchanges, and a conversation on MSN which she started. Its the meaningful conversations I want to start up, just like we did before we dated. Unfortunately, I do not know how to gauge her interest indirectly, which is kind of why I wrote this thread although I wasn't aiming to make this thread solely aimed at me!!!

 

Broken - thanks for responding too. Keep in there. And it really does suck. I'm kinda getting used to the idea that she would be with someone else. I mean, its gonna happen and it really is a horrible thought. But I know that he has a tough act to follow. Unfortunately, I know that I cannot force myself into her life and perhaps your theory of 2 steps forward 1 step back might be a good plan to follow. She has iniatiated the last few contacts we have had. What happened with your co-worker ex? How long were you together?

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Nothing ventured nothing gained. After a few months of NC it really doesn't matter who reaches out now does it? She might still not want to get back together but I'll bet she wants to hear your voice. I know from reading your post that you want to see her. NC is for you to heal. NC is not a panacea for getting your ex back.

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Bexcelant - I do feel like its crunch time and a friend said something similar to me in regards to what you say about it not mattering so much who does what now. She has something to return to me which she was going to meet me for 2 weeks ago but pulled a 'raincheck' on me at the last minute. I was annoyed but played it cool, like it didn't really matter. It would have been the first time we'd seen each other since breaking up. I've been waiting for her to contact me ever since, wondering if this event will happen. Its torture, coz I know she has to return the item (its not mine) and it hasn't occurred to her that she could send it in the post so my fingers are getting itchy waiting for her to contact me. Its so hard figuring out what to do.

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I know stabilio, this is where you have to be the Zen master. Be cool and do not let your emotions override your mind. Just call her and leave a happy message that you thought of her and that you remembered that we were going to meet 2 weeks ago. Are you still up for it because if you are, lets meet up for coffee or drinks.

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LC or NC having absolutely nothing do with technique on how to talk to the dumper or deal with them in order to succeed. Reconciliations happen with yourself.

 

In your message you have made serveral statements that throw up red flags in my mind as why you should not contact her yet.

 

Making decisions out of fear, instead of love will only bring unhappiness.

 

I'm not bitter about my ex, I love her to death.

 

But to no avail, almost every morning, or anytime of the day the anxiety of me losing her forever creeps in. It is her I miss.

 

Nobody else. Nobody else on this planet will ever have a hold on me like her in my opinion. I'm her first love, and she is mine, and all that baloney but it feels so true.

 

I guess it proves that my ex really did make me a complete person.

 

 

All the things youve listed above are reasons why i believe you need more time. For yourself and her....

 

First of all, the feelings your currently have for her are in no way part of a healthy relationship, let alone a non existant one. Second, women tend not to dig the desperate thing. Im not discounting the fact that you feel the way you do but if you want to get back with her you need to start thinking with your head about this, instead of blowing the chance that someday you will look back on and wonder about.

 

And yes, you do need NC and yes, you do need to get over her and move on because i assure you that is the only way to get someone back. The old relationship is dead for good reasons, like all are; what you need now is a new relationship with that person if it is ever to succeed. Continue living your life the way you are its good that your active, and making cloths and what not, if those things make you happy your already on the right track.

 

But remember this your life. All your actions are forever going to be about you, and only you. The moment you start living for yourself is the moment that you begin to become attractive to your ex and anyone else if it doesnt work out.

 

NC is for you to heal. NC is not a panacea for getting your ex back.

 

You need to heal in order to get your ex back, so NC is best way to make sure that the relationship you seek with your ex will be healthy and possibly succeed, so yes 'panacea' is a correct term for NC. Because in fact NC can never hurt. If you go NC and they leave, it doesnt matter, its not over until your both 6 feet under. The longer you heal the better the chances of getting them back, and for more than just a quick fix.

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I guess I'm not fully healed. Crikey I sound desperate! Thanks for pointing that out to me Coldplay. I'm not as desperate as I sound. But just to add, there are days, times, when I do feel like I am ready to face her and I can love her without being the desperate sort. Other days I'm not. I do want to reconcile and I just feel the longer time goes on without me putting a foot forward, the more likely she will leave me behind forever. Maybe that is the case anyway...and at the same time I can't deal with further rejection so I'll consider my feelings a bit more this week and keep to NC...

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I guess I'm not fully healed. Crikey I sound desperate! Thanks for pointing that out to me Coldplay. I'm not as desperate as I sound. But just to add, there are days, times, when I do feel like I am ready to face her and I can love her without being the desperate sort. Other days I'm not. I do want to reconcile and I just feel the longer time goes on without me putting a foot forward, the more likely she will leave me behind forever. Maybe that is the case anyway...and at the same time I can't deal with further rejection so I'll consider my feelings a bit more this week and keep to NC...

 

Ya none of this is easy, im in the same position you are fast forward 5 months, my ex broke up with me july 10th of last year, nc since aug 28th. Ive had to deal with the constant waiting, the unbearable urges to try and do something, anything, rather than just wait.

 

The way i look at it, if i really do care about my ex, why would i make a irrational decision to see her before im the best man that i can be? A decision like that would be completely selfish.

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If she dumped you because she was no longer interested in you and wanted to see what else is out there, I would not recommend reaching out. The only time I recommend reaching out is if the dumpee was the one who sabotaged the relationship by treating the dumper poorly. Then it is worth apologizing after months of self-reflection, self-growth and sincere change. If it was simply a case of the dumper losing interest, then why should the dumpee make any effort if the dumper hasn't declared that they made a mistake and want you back. Running back to the dumper just because you are feeling lonely and needy is not a good move. Continue healing...remember that if she dumped you, then if she wants you back she should be the one making the effort and making amends. If you do it you are setting yourself up for further rejection and damage to your self-esteem...you are already too fragile at the moment and need to gain more strength. Take her off that pedastal, see her as a person who rejected you...why bother running after someone who rejected you.

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It depends on the circumstances, IMO.

 

For me, my ex was the one who decided to leave and wanted out so he should be the one to open the lines of communication and reach to me. I sure as heck will not make the first move. AS IF!

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Agree with the above few posters...it depends on the situation. My ex walked out on me because he wasn't happy and didn't know why, needed to be single, and told me he loved me but is not in love with me. He couldn't even come up with a specific reason of anything i DID that caused him to feel this way. We were in an LDR, and I think stresses in our own lives and not being able to be there in person on a daily basis rather than the phone had a lot to do with it.

 

After time of reflection in NC, I identified some of my mistakes, but also learned that a LOT of this was his fault, as he was nowhere near as invested as I was during the last few of months of the relationship. I often felt very neglected and was ignoring several red flags. He even recognized that he wasn't treating me the way he should have. And after all that, I should contact him first? I don't think so. He asked for space, and I gave it to him. I went NC right after the break-up, and after 7 weeks I got a random e-mail from him...

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The only time I recommend reaching out is if the dumpee was the one who sabotaged the relationship by treating the dumper poorly.

 

My problem is that when she broke up with me, she made me feel like it was all my fault but the truth is I didn't really do anything bad. I never made her cry, apart from happy tears and I never raised my voice at her in all our time together. She said that I wasn't making her happy (and my grandmother died only a month before this mind...) and that she was confused. Basically, she made me feel like I was neglecting her. I've looked back, and she has a slight case in our last month together because we had a disagreement about something and we were both in a huff, but not at all for the 21 months beforehand. And we still spoke to each other every day fondly. Its not like I ever ignored her, stood her up or said I don't want to see you tonight so in a way she can't say I neglected her.

 

But our last month together was weird. She chose to walk away without giving me a chance to make her happy again and went cold turkey on me. And I cannot ascertain whether she fell out of love or not coz only weeks before she finished with me we were planning her birthday party together and I was integral to her plans, as well as other things!!! And this is the worst bit - because I remember this vividly and this is what has made it so confusing for me. A few days before she broke up with me, we were walking towards my car along the side of the road at night time and I just stopped her, kissed her really passionately and she told me she loved me more than anything. I thought she was gonna fall over. I thought it was a magical moment. And the look in her eyes that night haunts me today coz I could see in her eyes it was the truth. I don't mean to sound all mushy but I'm a romantic guy and thats the type of thing I do. But then a few days later she breaks up with me.

 

This is kinda why I posted this thread. I'm in limbo. She never gave me the truth when breaking up because she said so many conflicting things - I don't know whether it really was me, or her, or her being insecure, scared of commitment, someone else. She promised me there was nobody else. I know what I did in January and February that might have caused her to be upset but it was nothing major (things like not spending the entire weekends together like we used to and being impatient with her on Valentines Day, although there was a reason). And she wasn't an angel herself so in a way it feels unfair that I have to blame myself. But she said what she said. I'm in limbo because I don't see how you can fall out of love so fast but she was young (20 turning 21) and maybe I do just have to leave it to time. I'm in limbo coz the last 6 weeks there has been positive contact. The previous 3 months it was like I never existed to her. Thats why I do not know if it should be me or her to reach out.

 

you are already too fragile at the moment and need to gain more strength. Take her off that pedastal, see her as a person who rejected you...why bother running after someone who rejected you.

 

But its the confusion that weakens me I believe. I guess I need to get to a place where I do not care if I ever find out the real reason or if she ever comes back or not before I start increasing any contact, because at the moment, any more rejection would floor me. All I know is, she is unlikely to put any effort in because at the moment she doesn't see the positives of us being in a relationship together, when the truth is the positives significantly outweigh the negatives. Heck, we only ever had one row, like I mentioned earlier. I need to stop ranting. Thanks to everyone who has posted.

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And this is the worst bit - because I remember this vividly and this is what has made it so confusing for me. A few days before she broke up with me, we were walking towards my car along the side of the road at night time and I just stopped her, kissed her really passionately and she told me she loved me more than anything.I thought she was gonna fall over. I thought it was a magical moment. And the look in her eyes that night haunts me today coz I could see in her eyes it was the truth. I don't mean to sound all mushy but I'm a romantic guy and thats the type of thing I do. But then a few days later she breaks up with me.

 

This is kinda why I posted this thread. I'm in limbo. She never gave me the truth when breaking up because she said so many conflicting things - I don't know whether it really was me, or her, or her being insecure, scared of commitment, someone else.

 

Oh, Stabilo I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a similar experience with my ex. A couple weeks before our break up, we shared the closest, most romantic moment of our relationship. It was such a sweet moment I was day dreaming about him for a couple days afterwards. And then he was gone! And such confusion during the break up... so many disjointed statements and non-reasons and "I don't know what I want."

 

Since the break I have replayed that moment in my mind over and over. I wonder now if what I saw as beautiful and indicative of our happy future, he saw as a sweet kind of goodbye...

 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's a struggle every day not to call him and just ask "Do you know what you want, yet!?" I think it would feel better to be rejected outright than face this wishy-washyness. It really leaves us hanging in such a bad way.

 

I guess the reality is, he hasn't called me and so I can assume that he either a) is still confused, or b) Has figured out that he doesn't want me. Either way, my only option is to try to let go and be happy. I know that. It's just hard to do.

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What would be examples of unreasonable behaviour or neglect? I cannot ascertain if I fall into these categories - its not in my nature to. I know at the time of breaking up, due to us having a weird month, her feelings were all over the place, which is probably why she gave me so many break up reasons. If it sounds like I was acting inappropriately please tell me.

 

On breaking up she told me that we were like an old married couple, that we were doing less things...But her main reasons for being unhappy were coz I was playing with my new puppy, who was only 2 months old at the time, too much; overtalking her when she talked sometimes (I didn't even know I did this but she never told me and it could only have developed as a bad habit); not sitting on the same chair as her when we watched a film in my living room (once in 2 years!!!) and playing on Guitar Hero which she bought me for Christmas instead of again, watching a film one night (about 3 weeks after Christmas). I was too upset to argue at the time but to me they are silly things. We still saw each other practically every day, kissed, cuddled, made love when we had the chance (we both lived with our parents).

 

In our time apart, I have identified things that I did in our last few weeks together that I know might have upset her which I touched briefly on my last reply and they are just totally out of my character and it was because like I said, we were in a slight huff, but she never mentioned these things. And I remember, just a month before breaking up I was going out with my friends, and decided to surprise my ex at her house with some chocolates on my way. I remember how happy she was to see me and chuffed I got her chocolates. So even if I was an ass at times, I still showed signs of being the great boyfriend I can be. I don't mean to include so much of my story but it really does pain me not truly knowing if these are signs of neglect or not. And I'm not an ass; I'm just a nice guy who would never harm anyone or want to hurt anyone's feelings.

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I'm just a nice guy who would never harm anyone or want to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

I think there are a lot of us in the same boat here. But the learning I have taken out of this is that communication is always more important than intention. I never ever had anything but pure and unlimited love for my girl. And so did she. But within a matter of a fortnight, that fizzled out after a new guy burst on to the scene. And the reason for breakup that she gave me? "I just don't feel loved!" I mean that would be the last reason I was going to buy. It basically boiled down to this" She didn't think I was SHOWING my love enough. Whereas the new guy was showing it all the time. My intention just didn't matter. All the gestures were just forgotten. It sucked.

 

But this where I feel even more sorry for the romantic types who got dumped. Its like we never can get to be with the people who really get us. And yet, we yearn to be with those who don't even understand where we come from.

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It basically boiled down to this" She didn't think I was SHOWING my love enough. Whereas the new guy was showing it all the time. My intention just didn't matter. All the gestures were just forgotten. It sucked.

 

Which is why I'm confident it will all come back to bite to her in the ass mate. At the end of the day, you seem like a really nice level headed guy, who knows what you are doing, whereas your ex is not - I have no time of day for people who leave for other people. I don't know if this means she will ever come back to you Moonbug, who knows the future but if that guy came on the scene all lovey dovey, he has to keep that effort going for a long time...so sorry for you mate.

 

I wish I knew what I did that was so bad my ex would want to leave me. I remember the day she finished with me I went through all my messages and emails for the previous 2 months - there were no signs she was falling out of love. The only sign was on the day before she finished with me, when for the first time in a year and a half she didn't text me when she woke up in the morning at 6.00am. As my friends say, something happened to her but none of us know, especially me, who deserves a right to know!

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