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Why don't people like me?


Lusif

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I find it hard to make friends. I can talk to people, I make eye contact, smile (closed-mouth but genuine I think?). But I'm not the mega-friendly kinda clingy type, because I grew up pretty independent so I don't have that instinctive need for people all the time. I try to make a good impression but fail, it seems? But sometimes I just think, why even bother trying when I know I won't get much out of it? I know, I know, social interaction for the sake of social interaction is important, but that's ALL I'm doing it seems, while other people are making proper friends. It's harder because people make friends through friends, too. This is all at uni.

 

I have really close friends at home, and a boyfriend at uni, but if I can't even make new friends, how do I know my old friends won't start not-liking me for the same reasons as new people?

 

I've tried all sorts of stuff. Acting more confident - but I could only do the aloof confidence, which obviously doesn't really attract friends. Talking more. Listening more. Complimenting people. I just don't freaking know.

 

I've realised I can be a bit serious sometimes... like with one of my boyfriend's friends, and his female friend who I don't know that well, I went on a mini rant about how I'm against casual sex, after she'd kinda been talking about doing it... I KNOW, really stupid and snobbish of me. And sometimes when people tease me playfully I take it to heart and get a bit moody.

 

So I don't know. If I just try to see things more light-heartedly and joke more, will people like me more? I know I sound desperate and needy but I'm worried that I could be putting off potential friends by giving off the wrong vibe! or just any other tips.

 

I know smiling is important, but I only smile naturally when I'm laughing, I'm a bit self-conscious about my teeth but also I've never been a big smiler, just the way I am. Apart from when I worked customer service, and when I've done job interviews. I'm fine at doing it then

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Well that it hard to say! Some people certainly have charisma, and many times it is hard to define just what it is about them that makes them so damn likeable... I think it is definitely a mixture of personal confidence and happiness and therefore they project that in their interactions with other people. I personally find that people who don't care about what others think are very charming and charismatic...

 

When I started university I had a hard time meeting people at first. I complained about this to one of my friends. It might sound simple, but he told me - To have friend you need to be a friend first. I sat down and really thought about what that meant... but the more I have tried to be a friend, the more friends I have. That sometimes means making the first step, the first gesture, going the extra mile, asking them to hang out first, making them feel good about themselves and who they are. People want to hang out with other people that make them feel good about themselves! They don't want to be around negative people or people who are constantly pulling them down.

 

On the other hand - a lot of super friendly and bubbly people have a lot of friends, but come off as being fake. Kind of like they are trying way too hard. I'm sure you have met the type. And then everyone will just talk about how fake they are behind their back, haha... so all in all, it is important to be yourself as well.

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It might sound simple, but he told me - To have friend you need to be a friend first. I sat down and really thought about what that meant... but the more I have tried to be a friend, the more friends I have. That sometimes means making the first step, the first gesture, going the extra mile, asking them to hang out first, making them feel good about themselves and who they are. People want to hang out with other people that make them feel good about themselves! They don't want to be around negative people or people who are constantly pulling them down.

 

Wow great advice and also, you sound/seem like my bf. ^^^^

 

I have the same problem with making friends. I don't put people down and do my best to smile and be as friendly as possible. Yet I never seem to make new friends! It also feels like no matter how much I try to listen more and be responsive, but end up not getting it right. I always get the vibe people prefer their other friends over me.

 

 

Like someone asked: do you like yourself?

Same goes for other aspects. If you're aware of your fllaws, there's a chance your body language will portray that and people notice stuff.. They'll probably also sense if you're feeling akward, nervous or trying way too hard.

I'm definitly no pro at this but I try to keep thinking positive thoughts and push out any thoughts which will give off a bad vibe.

 

 

First thing my bf taught me is not to be so critical or down putting of people. I didn't do it on purpose, just was a bit too honest (in a non-rude way) and would unintentionally make them feel like I was critisizing.

So just try to be open minded with people and keep certain things to yourself. (It gets easier biting your tongue.) (Examples: when someone asks you how they look, when they ask if their new curtains look nicer, when they ask if you like something new of theirs, etc..)

 

 

My bf is luckily (for him) very social and has alot of friends. He makes friends easy and keeps them. I've noticed he is very charismatic and can get excited when talking to people. Never ever puts them down or critisizes. Seems very confident too. Very inviting, and will make you feel at easy. Always ready to give advice or lend a helping hand.

 

 

I think my biggest problem is not taking innitiative and inviting people out on my own. I tend to sit back and let them approach or make plans.

I'm not saying this is the solution but it's worth a try and may help.

 

 

Another thing that works for me, once I've gotten a bit more familiar with people is being helpfull, making jokes with them and just smiling. Doesn't build a close bond, but it definitly does make people like you more lol.

 

I also try asking questions and seeming interested (I am.. not faking it lol). But sometimes I worry that I come off intrusive with all the questions lol.

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I just thought of adding another thing... While I was attending university I made a lot of friends by joining groups... And while that might sound nerdy haha... I think it is a great way to meet people, around a cause or something you are interested in! It also builds stronger friendships. I joined two groups, an environmental sustainbility and Latin dance group... and I met a lot of people that were interested in the same things I was as well as people that I might not have normally met in my just every-day life or in a night club or through other friends or whatever. Hope that helps!!

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Thanks guys!

 

Tbh guys generally seem to like me, I grew up with my dad so I guess I know how to deal with them

 

I've actually got my sights set on a few different groups/societies at uni next semester, so that'll be some fun if nothing else!

 

I do like myself, I'd say I'm no more insecure than the next person. I'm comfortable in my skin, but sometimes not around people... weirdly.

 

One thing is I've always had this mentality about not being intrusive with people, even in a jokey way, because I thought I'd come accross as rude/nosy. Instead I just seem apathetic/aloof, I guess.

 

I was just thinking about the 'be a friend' advice, and felt like, 'Oh I couldn't act like someone's friend because I'm not worth it and I'm too boring to be their friend anyway'... so I guess there's a self-esteem problem there. I really don't want to be one of those overly fake, in-your-face people who act like they're everyone's best friend! But I will definitely try to be more of a 'friend' to people. People are always coming to my boyfriend for advice or a chat or whatever, and I guess that's why! I don't know how he does it, he's just friendly and genuine but not in-your-face and I suppose people see that. What does that say about me, though?!

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