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Should I ask a girl I'm seeing if she is "sexual?"


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I have been talking to a girl I met online for about 2 months now, we finally had our first date a couple weeks ago. Hiking/cookout then back to her house and hung out for a bit. We talk every day almost for 30-60 mins on fone or FB chat.

She came to my place yesterday...We had a couple drinks at a bar and had a nice chat just us two....then had plans to take her to a BBQ, which we were there from 4-9. Then we left and went to a free Bluegrass festival in the city park. We wrestled around a bit at the park and it was playful fun. Anyways, we leave, she drops me off and basically says she has to leave to get back to her town (90mins away) so she can wake up for church in the AM. I walk her to her car and basically we kiss for 30 seconds. It was a decent kiss, but both her and I are a bit "rusty" as far as anything like that goes. I text her a bit later saying I had a great time and that next time I saw her I would plant a better kiss, and she said "lol, I am a bit rusty too."

 

My questions/concerns:

 

This girl is a southern girl with conservative roots and works at a small christian college. Granted, she drinks a bit (in secrecy, she's 27, I am 27 BTW) and is a tad liberal in that sense. But she is quite inexperienced with guys. I want to ask her if she fancies me/sees me in a sexual light at all, or ask her if she is generally a sexual person at all. I am about a year without anything and I have an ex starting to poke there way into the picture again about wanting to hook up sexually. No I am not gung ho about sneaking off behind the new girls back. But is it wrong of a man like me to ask such a question of if she is sexual? I am very sexual (meaning I need to be taken care of in that department or I grow resentful, just my wiring.)

 

Summary: I have been seeing a girl for a brief time and am not sure how/if at all she is into me sexually/or is a sexual person per say, and would like to know if I have grounds to ask her such a question? Or should I let it "play itself out."

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I'm sure she's a sexual person...most people are unless they're asexual. I think maybe you mean, "Is she ready for sex?" Since you guys have only just met and aren't actually in a relationship, I think it's too soon, personally, but that's really up to you guys.

 

I understand you want to be taken care of in that department (most men...and women do)...but how long are you willing to wait? You hardly know each other.

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I guess the real question is..what are you looking for...a solid relationship or simply a sex partner. The fact that you are considering taking your ex up on the offer of sex, leads me to believe that you are dating simply to find a sex partner and not to find a solid relationship. If your needs are more important than a relationship I would suggest you simply bang your ex girlfriend and let this new person go so she can find someone who actually wants a real relationship with her, not just someone to have sex with. People can be very sexual when they are comfortable in a relationship...so your labels are kind of very limiting...you view sexual people as simply people who are ready to put out with virtual strangers..and asexual people as those who are not ready to put out with virtual strangers. There are lots of very sexual people who are only sexual when in a solid relationship. As I said, given the kind of thing you are looking for, you would be better off with your ex rather than this new person.

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Summary: I have been seeing a girl for a brief time and am not sure how/if at all she is into me sexually/or is a sexual person per say, and would like to know if I have grounds to ask her such a question? Or should I let it "play itself out."

 

You let it play out. This is one of those things that it is pointless to ask, and IMO, makes you sound creepy.

 

It's like asking someone if they are honest, or if they like drama. Almost no one is going to tell you "No, I'm not sexual" or "No, I lie a lot."

 

It sounds like you didn't exactly "wow" her either, so she may be wondering the same about you.

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you can bring up the topic somehow casually... like... somehow bringing up the topic of sexuality... not sure how, but you can bring it up sort of and see how she responds, but that's the best i can suggest. but the truth is, like everyone said, if you bring it up as a direct question, it's just strange. YOU can talk openly about YOUR sexuality and put yourself out there, but asking her to put herself out there and reveal herself without you doing so is just kind of strange.

but a general conversation about sex in some kind of way might work, not sure exactly how, but there has to be a way. usually i bring it up almost every time I talk. haha, no i'm just playing.

your posting though, caught my eye, cause on my date today i was telling him that someone was accusing me online of not being sexual cause of what was on my profile and that i wasn't going to argue with him about it, cause of course i am sexual but it isn't any of his busines... thus, while telling him the story i ended up saying that i am sexual. which wasn't intentional at all, but... i have a problem saying too much sometimes. though i guess, most people appreciate the fact their potential girlfriend is sexual.

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I am not looking to just sleep with her. Crazydogs you misunderstood me. I am just looking for sort of a baseline into how "horny" she is of a person, to put it bluntly. Like if she is fine going to bed most nights without getting it on (if she was in a serious relationship with me) then my resentment would grow to the point of breaking up. I dont NEED sex right now as you all might have presumed. I would just like a bit of an edge, kinda of an aggression coming from her. But it still could be too early to tell. I wouldl ike to find a way as VOLPE suggested, to bring it up somehow, casually.

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I am not looking to just sleep with her. Crazydogs you misunderstood me. I am just looking for sort of a baseline into how "horny" she is of a person, to put it bluntly. Like if she is fine going to bed most nights without getting it on (if she was in a serious relationship with me) then my resentment would grow to the point of breaking up. I dont NEED sex right now as you all might have presumed. I would just like a bit of an edge, kinda of an aggression coming from her. But it still could be too early to tell. I wouldl ike to find a way as VOLPE suggested, to bring it up somehow, casually.

 

No, you don't bring it up. Sorry to volpe, that is bad advice. You aren't going to get a "baseline into how horny she is" with a conversation. Sexual compatibility is something you figure out by spending time together, and letting things physically progress.

 

Are you coming off of a relationship where you weren't getting enough sex? Have you ever had sex? That's what it sounds like to me. Trying to ask a girl how horny she is or how much she wants sex is going to come off as creepy and inexperienced, believe me.

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No, you don't bring it up. Sorry to volpe, that is bad advice. You aren't going to get a "baseline into how horny she is" with a conversation. Sexual compatibility is something you figure out by spending time together, and letting things physically progress.

 

Are you coming off of a relationship where you weren't getting enough sex? Have you ever had sex? That's what it sounds like to me. Trying to ask a girl how horny she is or how much she wants sex is going to come off as creepy and inexperienced, believe me.

 

Yep. Sexual chemistry is something that builds on its own between two people, free of 'prediction'. You could date someone who's been cold as a stone with every guy she's ever dated, only you'd never know it based on how she heats up with you. So how would she be able to predict that?

 

And do you really think a woman would tell you, "Oh, I hate sex and won't be giving you much of that--I hope you don't mind if I wear socks to bed..."

 

C'mOn.

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No, you don't bring it up. Sorry to volpe, that is bad advice. You aren't going to get a "baseline into how horny she is" with a conversation. Sexual compatibility is something you figure out by spending time together, and letting things physically progress.

 

Are you coming off of a relationship where you weren't getting enough sex? Have you ever had sex? That's what it sounds like to me. Trying to ask a girl how horny she is or how much she wants sex is going to come off as creepy and inexperienced, believe me.

 

I don't think it's bad advice. But maybe that's cause I'm the one that suggested it.

I am just saying- there is nothing wrong talking about sex casually. I mean, I do it all the time. But maybe I'm just a weirdo, I don't know.

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This question is kind of pointless. It just varies so much from how comfortable you are with a person, how much you like them and for women.. even what time of the month it is sometimes! IMO, it just seems like you're looking for some kind of guarantee and as the saying goes.. if you're looking a guarantee, you're not looking for love.

 

Her saying - yes, I want to have sex every night before I go to sleep - will be no indicator of the chemistry or sexual compatibility between you guys.

 

Also.. consider this.. comfort is a big deal for me.. so when I first meet a guy, I can be frigid for months and very "non-sexual". And then when I get to know him and develop deeper feelings for him I eventually want to jump his bones 10x a day. Does that make me sexual or non-sexual? I assume that a lot of women are like this too (esp ones with conservative backgrounds) so how are we suppose to answer that question?

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Like others have said, it could sound like you just want a sex partner and not a relationship with her. Most human beings are interested in sex, but you want to know if she'll jump your bones sooner rather than later... right?

 

In any case, I'd say that kind of question is a turn-off to girls.. so if you want to turn her off then ask her that.. if not, give it time and let it happen naturally like a lot of people do. I remember going out with this guy who asked me ON THE FIRST DATE if I was a virgin (I was at the time). But at any rate my interest in him took a nosedive after he asked me that, and we stopped going out soon after.

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To whom asked me if I had ever had sex before...yes, I have.

I bring this topic/concern up because all of my ex's have been quite aggressive from the get-go. Gf #1 started out of lust, lasted 1.5 years. gf #2 started after nights of getting drunk together aand fooling around--lasted almost 3 years. gf #3 i invited to a party and we made out hardcore for the whole night--lasted 2 years.

 

I guess with this girl, maybe I am just not used to the slow pace of it all. Sure I can wait for the sex, it isnt everything I am after as you all assume of me. But I do find it a very important part of a healthy relationship. I just threw out the idea of asking if it would be a good idea to ask her thoughts on anything sexual related and/or if she cares any deal about it. For me, sex is 1/3 of a healthy relationship. For others, its 5%. Catch my drift?

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So, sex was amazing and you have had several girlfriends who were animals in bed from the getgo...and yet, amazingly they are now all ex-girlfriends! Clearly hot sex from the getgo didn't exactly translate into a life-long solid relationship. Instead of trying to figure out why those relationships ultimately didn't work out and what you can do better in the relationship or make better choices in women so that you can find a lasting relationship, you are simply focusing on whether or not the woman will be a hottie in bed as soon as you start dating her. Clearly you didn't get the "I am horny for you" vibes from her like you did with the other women which is why you feel the need to ask. If you feel the need to ask then perhaps she is not the kind of match for you...you need someone who is going to rip your clothes off and have the lustful look in her eyes on the first date. I would say that you need to move on because it sounds to me like sex comes first for you and you can only build a relationship if you are guaranteed immediate hot sex.

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But I do find it a very important part of a healthy relationship. I just threw out the idea of asking if it would be a good idea to ask her thoughts on anything sexual related and/or if she cares any deal about it. For me, sex is 1/3 of a healthy relationship. For others, its 5%. Catch my drift?

 

I think everyone understands what you are saying, and I don't think anyone disagrees that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. What people on this thread are trying to tell you is that sexual compatibility is not something that can be determined via a conversation, and to try to have such a conversation is weird.

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Sorry bud, no way to determine that without actually getting into it. A woman's libido is a function of so many things. She could be an inherently sexual person, but she might not want to have sex if she doesn't feel a strong connection with someone. Or, she might not realize that she's very sexual until she meets someone and fireworks! She could also start out as a bombshell, and then stress/kids/life saps the energy out of her, leaving little leftover for the bedroom.

 

Asking a woman if she's "sexual" is like asking a man if he's looking for a long-term relationship.

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I remember going out with this guy who asked me ON THE FIRST DATE if I was a virgin (I was at the time). But at any rate my interest in him took a nosedive after he asked me that, and we stopped going out soon after.

 

Well, are you a virgin?

 

The worst question I asked a girl on the first date is how many guys she slept with because I wanted to see how much of a slvt she was. She didn't want to see me on a second date.

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I think, if it is a question that is "bothering" you, and you are going to have this on the back of your mind during the while you are talking to her, then you better just talk to get it out of your system. Otherwise, you'll always be apprehensive, worried, anxious, and for what?

 

Are you worried she'll turn into a green eyed monster if you ask her a basic question? If so, you don't really trust her and it will come through. She will not turn into a green eyed monster if you ask her if she's sexual. A nuclear bomb is not going to explode somewhere while you are asking her. The super-volcanoe on Yellowstone national park is not going to explode.

 

Just ask her, or make some sort of sexual discussion to find out what her values are -- but get it out of your system. If you have to use the washroom, or would you rather walk around farting? It seems to me you need to ask her to get it out of your system and find out that she is a rational human being.

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I wouldn't recommend asking directly, but there are indirect ways to gauge her feelings on the matter. Don't just assume she has modern beliefs about it. I personally believe that it's never good to assume anything, as you can end up in a situation where, say, you've spent a few months getting to know all kinds of trivial things about her, only to belatedly find out she doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage.

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I also want to add:

 

That's like a woman asking you right away if you are marriage material. A lot of people want to get married but they don't start discussing it right away, do they? You might think it comes off as desperate, creepy, or a plan to trap you.

 

I see your question as being similar, only omit "marriage" for "sex." Sure, it's fine to talk about sex in general. But to start pressing someone to know if they are "sexual" (which is absurd since just about everyone IS) is a huge turn-off like some of these posters said.

 

I don't want to talk about having sex with you if I haven't even built up anything special yet and am not feeling the vibes. You sound desperate like you want to just skip everything and jump in bed.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting sex...but your approach is off and not very conducive to casual or less0than-casual sex. Not a good way of attracting women!

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