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in love with gay friend (I'm straight)


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I am a straight female in love with my gay or bisexual (not totally sure, I think he's bisexual but prefers guys) friend. Currently, he's in a relationship with a guy who treats him really badly. I knew him before he came out of the closet and he told me he had feelings for me and that he was attracted to me (so it wasn't just a friend-love type thing). At the time I was head over heels for some jerk, so nothing happened, but now I'm interested in finding out if he still has any of those feelings. It really seems like he does sometimes. I would really like your opinions on the matter. Am I an idiot for even thinking I have a chance? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I make a move? Do you think he would get freaked out if I told him? Is it possible that he's still attracted to me?

 

Also, I have quite a track record of falling for gay men. It even seems to have worked the other way around, too. A lot of guys who've professed their feelings for me later came out of the closet. Am I just a cover for guys who haven't come out yet? Am I turning them off to women? Are there any gay guys out there who have unexpectedly fallen for girls?

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It doesn't sound like you have much of a chance, and that's probably what is attracting you to this person. If you fall for someone who is completely unavailable, it is kind of safe, and you will not get hurt. You're not risking anything. If you went after straight guys, they may actually be interested back and there could be a possibility of heartache. Anyways that is what I think.

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You may not want to hear this, but this is the most likely reason that a straight person would fall for a gay person...

 

They're safe.

 

That's it. There's little chance of experiencing real rejection because, afterall, "Oh, he's gay." And if you're the kind of person who is a little bit relationship-phobic to begin with then better still. Somewhere in your heart, you know that it won't really work out. And getting to know a gay person is also safer because you aren't "suppose" to be developing romantic feelings for them. It works the same way when we fall for our close friends partners. It's easy to get to know them, it's not suppose to work out, and you can get close to them without having to worry about all the bother that comes with normal courtship.

 

So if this is a pattern for you, you may want to ask yourself why you're choosing partners that you know deep down you won't have to maintain a relationship with. And remember, it's usually about emotional safety.

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I wouldn't pursue him now, just because he's in a relationship. Not a good idea to demo disrespect for relationships in order to try to have one--the contradiction will haunt him and get in your way.

 

Don't bad-mouth the BF to him, no matter how badly he mistreats him. It will provoke defense, and people who defend tend to buy into their own defenses very strongly. That would position you badly.

 

Patience.

 

In your corner.

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I think the first thing you need to do is to establish what is sexual orientation is. In your original post you seem uncertain of whether he's gay or bi. if he says that he is gay, then i would advise you to step back, and not persue him because the chances of developing a stable relationship is going to be very low. if he turns out to be bi, and is willing to be in a heterosexual relationship, then by all means.. persue him BUT respect the fact that he is currently in a relationship.

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  • 1 year later...

You will have a good chance to stay great friends, but you will never be his intimate "partner" and if you reveal your attraction to him (beyond friendship), you may lose him as a friend. Do you really want that? Also, I have met women who have had long-term relationships (and even marriages) to men who are gay/trans/bi and you know what....there is always deceit involved in that kind of relationship. Give your head a shake.

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